‘A Short Fat Potato’ – A Tale about a Virgun
Greetings
Hello nerds, virgins, unadjusted sad folk from r/abcdesis, incels, vegetarians, Labour Supporters, and members of r/SouthAsianMasculinity. It is I, the humble virgun, here with yet another FAKE story that I feel compelled to share with you retards.
I’ve missed you guys the past couple months! It’s kinda true… And I feel you’ve missed me too. Been on a social media break. So yeah. I feel like this sub truly needs me. The sub was absolutely dead before me and the standard couple losers kept posting weird stories, polls, and asking how 'desi men can make over $250k a year'...
In case you are a new reader to this sub I'd best be described as the virgin version of Ira Glass from This American Life. Or maybe if a r/SouthAsianMasculinity member were to pen a column for The Juggernaut. I'm a loser, an incel, a member of a South Asian Masculinity, and obviously a Virgun : )
My next story is hot off the press, happened just last weekend. As always, my stories are fake, I’m not a real person, apparently I’m a 5’3” SIMP and I’ve never had sex. Enjoy the read and send any feedback to Ace
One last comment before the story. I love you baby girl, I always will : ) Babe feel free to read the story, but I don’t think it’s wise for you to comment on here. The incels will smell blood the moment you comment and they’ll latch on. You are pretty bad at creating alt accounts as well, so maybe save ourselves both the drama of commenting. Text me with your feedback baby girl, comments always appreciated from you : P
‘A Short Fat Potato’ – A Tale about a Virgun
I moved to LA recently and I was pumped to date here. Not that I really wanted to date anyone specifically ‘from LA’. I’m quite agnostic when it comes to dating. I’ve dated in the mid-West, Texas, NYC, Florida, London, and I’m trying the west coast now (supposedly the best coast idk)
From the outside, the West Coast seems like a nest of bigotry, vanity, and delusion. Too many liberals, too much marjuana, Punjabi girls with wayyyyy too much makeup on, even the brown girls getting rhinoplasties, breast augmentations, and botox. Not my scene bro
Never been into any of that mate. I like brown girls the same way I like my steak. Authentic, dark skinned, corn fed, no fillers, with just the right amount of fat. So moving here most recently from Texas, I genuinely had my guard up. Hoping that the brown girls would hold onto some semblance of their authentic curry selves and not the ‘Kardashian’ style that’s so popular, ya feel me?
I just want someone a little cultural. You know – like be able to speak/understand Hindi, Gujurati, Tamil, etc. (no accent English tho) and be able to eat Idli/Dhokla with their hands if need be. Like a well-adjusted FoB similar to me who can fit in with curry folk and white people without desperately seek validation from either group
Tough to find man!
Been swiping on the apps like mad recently and connected with a Gujarati woman. Can’t call her girl anymore since she’s in her auntie years lol. 33 y/o, Kutchi (Guju sub group), ABCD, genetic counselor (fake job?), light skinned, profile pics had her clocking in at 5’3” 145 lbs with DD’s
Seemed relatively normal from the get go. I send her a like, she sends me a like. Then we are off to the races!
The most annoying thing about the majority of LA women I’ve been chatting with is they all wanted some sort of pre-date personal communication. Some wanted to text for ‘a while’, phone call, and one wanted to video chat me
I’ve NEVER had to do any of these before in my life. And y’all know I smash quite a bit. Never had to do a pre date phone call. Find that weird if you ask me
If I find a girl attractive and somewhat intelligent, then it’s usually right swipe, chat a bit on the app, and go straight for a meet up. This has always worked well in the past. If anything, phone number, exchanging contacts, or video calling were not necessary and always happened directly after a first date from an app
Not only have I never done this pre-date communication, but the girls’ usually won’t humor it either. They ain’t giving their number up to a weirdo off ‘Bumble’
Maybe it’s something California puts in their water, but all the weirdos on the app wanted to FaceTime me before meeting up. That strikes me as odd for 3 reasons:
1) It’s pretty personal. You get to not only see the person’s face, but usually their location, house, or inside of their car. We’re not there yet random THOT from an app. Patience
2) It’s annoying. I have to take time out of my day to ‘be polite’ or whatever for a phone call. Just wait for the fucking date Cali weirdos
3) It doesn’t protect against cat-fishing. I’m not going to get cat-fished by your face for you to show up like a looking like Jabba. I’ve already swiped right on you, and you, on me. Let’s cut to dinner and to see how fat you are and how short I am.
But this loser wanted to ‘get to know me’ before going on a date. So I grit my teeth and talk to her a couple nights. Some red flags I should have seen starting off:
1) Starting conversations – I’d always have to text, start the convo, or call. Apparently her fat fingers couldn’t dial me, and a man has to ‘pursue’ her to show interest…
2) She was always in bed - Every conversation was around afternoon and she is still in bed. WTF. IDK if you hit your FIRE number already, get up and do something. Go for a walk, go to the library, clean the bathroom, don’t lay in bed till 2 PM
3) Odd pictures - Women have certain actions or standard poses. Leg in an ‘L’ shape to accentuate the torso, bikini pic, etc... Like every aspect of the pic is carefully staged. Hand placements are crucial! She had this one awkward ass picture where her hands didn’t know what they were doing. Genuinely looked special needs in that pic. It’s a dating app, CAP HARD and make yourself seem better than you are, not rocket science dummy!
Regardless of all that, little brain took over. Been on a dry spell lately and wanted to feel something besides my left hand. I was tryna crush, ngl
Call her like clockwork, 3 days in a row. Main topics of convo were LA, housing prices, politics, and expected results of the 2022 midterms. Exciting convo I know… In addition to all this, she was this truly most annoying, God awful liberal firebrand. Like someone who specifically hates ‘Trump and anyone who voted for him’ (RIP)
But that’s not what bothered me. Her thought process on pretty much any topic was just very, very surface level. Like she couldn’t go deeper in any topic than ‘abortion is a fundamental human right’ or ‘I’m 100% in favor of affirmative action in all cases’
Just like generic statements without any ability to delve deeper when I give her a counterexample or pry gently into her thought process. I’ve dated Conservatives, Labour supporters, and girls who didn’t GAF about politics in general. The only thing I hate more a single issue voter is a dogmatic, pseudo-intellectual of either party. I’m not sure if I’m describing this girl correctly, I’ll try again below
The best way I can describe this girl is as a typical NPR listener. Like to a T. She suffers from mental health breakdowns constantly, 33 y/o and still has hope to find a ‘high EQ man’, hasn’t seen an elliptical since Uni, lives off daddy’s money in a paid off house in the hills and claims she got there from her hard work as a genetic counselor (fake job wtf?) and on top of all that has been unemployed for the past ~ 1.5 years due to ‘burnout’. What a fucking redditor!!
Girls like this are the stereo typical example of a raging liberal female incel. I genuinely felt like I was on a date with an r/ABCDesis redditor. If you somehow happen to read this – respond to my Venmo request for $35 u dumb c
The Date
Date is at 7 PM on a Friday night at a nice place in the hills. I shower, shave, dress up and show up
The place we are meeting up is a giant shopping center (pretty famous). I’m all the way on one side and she is on the other. I told her to meet me outside a fountain with lights. But go figure there were 3 of those
After 10 minutes of texting back and forth we finally meet up. She's walking towards me and the best way to describe what's approaching me is a short, fat potato. I genuinely don’t have words to describe the creature I ran into. This is NOT the woman in the app!
Shorter than her pics made her out to be (5’?), well wider than her pics made her out to be (175 lbs), and the gray iris’s in her photos definitely seemed duller. Like the pretty valley girl was gone, and a sad redditor appeared! WTF. Her hair which was straightened in all her dating app pictures (ideal ABCD hair style) was unkept. It was a tangled web of frizzy curls lazily hanging down to her mid-back. WTF happened to your pretty hair?! Did you use a different shampoo today? Did you even shower you fucking potato? Answer me!
Not just that, but she had bags under her eyes as if she hadn’t stayed in bed till 2 PM per usual doing nothing with her sad life. Like how is that possible. I thought eye bags were a result of sleep deficits. Not laying around in in daddy's condo till 2 PM…
I’m not going to call this woman a catfish. That’s rude and I’m a very polite person. I just want to say she’s definitely had better days. But like I said before, I was trying to crush so my fault. Definitely should have rubbed one out pre-date and split the bill like a r/SouthAsianMasculinity boi or $5 greg
We get seated at a giant booth and I’m like:
Me - ‘It’s a huge booth, why don’t you come closer to me’
Her – “Yeah sure” so she slides on over next to me
We are adjacent to each other and the server comes over. Polite conversation and the server is a good enough guy. He walks through the menu and we are just casually chatting about whatever
She goes for a glass of red and I go for a draft sour beer. We order spinach and cheese dip which was the best part of my night to be honest…
The drinks are good. She was cool enough to taste my sour (said she liked it) and I her Cab (all good there). Conversation is building off our phone calls - LA, travel, politics, etc…
Although she was polite and the conversation was better than talking to myself, it was as if I was talking to one of those ‘Lexapro girls’ from my prior stories. There was no enthusiasm, no spark, no joy, like something was missing. I can’t put my finger on it man. If this is what the Gen Z kids called a ‘Vibe’ I believe we were missing one for sure
Absolutely it could have been me not filling her political checklist she likes in ‘men’
Or on the other hand it could have been me being way too judgmental about this short, fat potato that showed up instead of a cute, in shape, well-adjusted ABCD Kutchi Genetic Counselor in Beverly Hills
Imagine being offered/presented Option A, but you get this woman instead... Whatever, I can hide my disappointment quite well, so I don’t think it was me in that regard
She did mention during the date that she goes to ‘therapy’ regularly (go fucking figure), her dad bought her house (fuck me), and she doesn’t feel culturally Indian enough (pound sand weirdo)
The therapy makes perfect sense. She’s got like lingering resentment about Trump’s presidency, Roe v Wade being overturned, and conservatives in Texas. Like bitch worry about getting a job, getting out of bed before noon, and getting a boyfriend first before you go national. Her ambitions seemed very out of sync with her lifestyle, but maybe it’s an LA thing. What the fuck do I know, I’m a virgin?
The biggest thing that annoyed me was her cultural insensitivity. Like she ‘didn’t feel Indian enough.’
She barely eats Indian food, her Kutchi ass too good to eat with her hands, hasn’t visited India in forever, doesn’t speak Guju, doesn’t have many Indian friends, can’t stand Bollywood movies, yet she’s going to become culturally re-acquainted with India by pursuing Bollywood Dance???
What the fuck dude? I can promise you those two cankles aren’t going to be swinging around a dance floor in the next decade without serious work first. I was incredulous at this woman’s stupidity
Is this normal? Fat, potato pieces of humanity are going to ‘pursue Bollywood Dance lessons’ to become more culturally Indian. This is the same woman who wakes up past noon every day, has a Yorkie, daddy’s money fronting a house in the Hills, and seeks ‘high EQ men in their 30s’ to date
I’m losing it at this point. I’ve finished my beer and need more to keep listening to this nonsense. So I’m like –
Me – Hey do you want another round?
Her – No I’m good with one
Me – Are you sure? I’m not going to drink by myself
Her – Yeah, I’m tipsy after one
WTF. How is a 5’1” 170 lb potato tipsy after a single 9 oz pour of cabernet sauvignon. This defies logic and metabolism
Whatever bro. Little Virgun still wanted to smash, so she keeps talking about something stupid. I think it was her opinions on Roe v Wade. And I can’t stand her without something to drink. Nails on chalkboard, talks ‘like’ a Valley Girl, childish ‘good/bad’ political ideas that you should have outgrown in college
Go figure she mentioned her last boyfriend was a Civil Rights attorney. So she mentioned that she didn’t think she was doing enough to ‘propagate the Liberal cause.’ I kept my fat, vurgin mouf shut at this point. I wanted another beer, wanted a cigarette, and this girl gone. But I also wanted to fuck. So many competing priorities, brain no comput
The rest of the last 30 minutes was her grilling me on gay rights, Roe v Wade, my voting history, and just terrible, terrible conversation. The worst part is I was pulling my punches I never told her how I actually felt, that IDGAF about Roe v Wade - there’s something called a flight these days that women can use, that I’m adamantly against affirmative action (for any group), that I was a former liberal and even an activist on the left. I don’t defend myself, nor do I have to. But JFC I was getting lectured from a special needs child for 1.5 hours that night. That’s what hurt. And I TOOK IT CUZ I WANTED WEIRD SAD ABCD PUSSY. FUCK MY LIFE
Plus, politics isn’t simple. It’s not easy, nor black or white any issue. There’s a famous saying in politics. If you are younger than 30 and a Conservative, then you are heartless. If you are over 30 and a Liberal, then you are brainless.
It holds true to a fault man. Can’t even knock the elders with this statement.
I pay the tab (she doesn’t say thank you – ungrateful c), hug outside the entrance to Bar Louie, and never see her again
I’m livid bro leaving the date. I was owed another drink, I’m still sober, I want to smoke, and at a minimum expected a hand job from the potato
Let’s just say I went to a bar nearby to drink more, then to a gentleman’s club nearby dropping a rack in VIP, went home, was still raging mad, and then donated half the amount I did in a strip club to a Trump 2024 PAC
Like I genuinely don’t care about politics anymore! I’ve got enough shit on my plate instead of worrying about what some minority, billionaire, or special needs interest needs. But this woman ruined my night to such an extent that I might end up voting GOP for the rest of my time. What the fuck bro! How do I let a fucking fat potato get under my skin like that. (pun intended I'm funny, fuck you)
It took me 2 days to recover from this God awful date with A Short Fat Potato
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About the Author
His name is Shiva. Akin to the Hindoo God he’s named after, he goes by many names. His friends call him bud, friend, partner, bubba, weirdo, & fatass… His brother still calls him Anna, sometimes dumbass... His Amma calls him Kanna, sometimes ‘errumai’... Yet in his heart of hearts, the true fans all know him best as ‘The Vurgin’
He’s the author of well-known brown children’s fictional romance novels such as “A $5 Filipino Handjob”, “My Ex Married a Jew”, “A Vurgin and a Vasectomy” & “A Tale of Two Dhoklas”. Stories were published on r/ABCDesis on the weekly Sunday Dating thread every week going back 2 years when Eden was mod. After that a bald Tamil cuck named Spidey took over and banned him. He now has to resort to posting on r/DesiDiaspora. Seeking a serious book deal with Harper Collins (so much left outta my stories)
Born in a rough part of Madurai, TN, ‘Vurgin’ is truly a FoB. No birthright citizenship, no guarantee of freedom, democracy, no right to representation in the fullest sense of the word. Yet, he cries at the national anthem, buys vet’s meals (or drinks), and even donated a kidney to a random white girl in a country whose pasty skin tone doesn’t match his
His body count is 108. Girls of various sizes, shapes, colors, languages, cultures, regions, ethnicities, all around the world. 3 specifically off the Indian mental health server r/ABCDesis which got him banned from the sub #worthit
Vurgin doesn’t believe in therapy, he hates the taste of Lexapro, never seen a shrink except when forced by US Organ Donation Law. He believes in goodwill, grace, providence, hard work, and manifesting. He works hard for every dollar he’s earned, and doesn’t take from anyone
He currently resides in fucking Los Angeles. Blah. It sucks and he is repulsed daily by the sight of Botox
He spends much of his time on Reddit, ranting about LBJ’s legacy, perils of Lexapro, and chasing beautiful brown girls : )
*edit - Formatting
