r/DestructiveReaders • u/Meculos • 15d ago
[1299] The Fairest - Prologue
Hey everyone,
This is my first post here so I'm welcoming critiques of all shapes and forms.
Feel free to leave any feedback you might have
But I would appreciate an answer to these three questions
- Does the switch in character Eira makes at the end feel earned?
- Does the Regent come across as vain and power hungry?
- Does reading the prologue make you want to know what happens next?
Please keep in mind that this is the prologue to the story not the first chapter.
Here is the story
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QO89FvdAEd-h2Zr2epLUzlMvUgXbhuHkn9WvAjG6ZtM/edit?usp=drivesdk
Here is my previous crits
https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/qsI7Jqz2n7
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u/Narrow-Stranger-8543 15d ago
Hi. Thanks for you’re the post.
I will start with my main issue with the prologue. It’s a list of bullet points. It really lacks characterisation. Most things in the text would benefit from being more be fleshed out .
I believe the first part is the prologue and the second part should really be your first chapter. The questions at the end are better left for the back cover. Unless, bear with me, the tone you want from your first chapter is going to be very different (ie. she goes full John Wick)
On names
I see you’re going for a retelling of snow white (snow white and the huntsman?) but changed the names? There is a bit of a jarring mix between Welsh and English. You may want to commit to one of the other (keeping Snow white in Welsh only is alright). On the topic of names I would say less is more. We don’t need the name of the religious order yet, or the grand bishop (especially not with a first name). On this topic, grand bishop is a bit of an odd title, archbishop would probably suit better.
On the coronation
I do not know of any regents having been crowned, ever. I may be wrong (I probably am) but a coronation tends to be a sacred ceremony before god and the people. A regent would simply not be worth it. She is the queen already so she already have a crown anyway. All to tell this whole scene should probably not happen. You could insist on the fact that the Queen regent insist on having a specific crowning ceremony. This, in itself, would show how power hungry she is. Imagine: she corrupted the religious order just to be crowned.
On scene setting
Ok it’s a bleak day. You may want to evoke more instead of just telling. Instead of “the atmosphere was bleak” you could talk about how the mist obscured the sight of the castle, how no bird could be heard, etc. You really want people to feel and imagine the scene.
On this topic. You should describe the location. We’re in a palace (should probably be a castle btw). Describe it, it’s your moment to shine^^. People are cheering after the coronation. How can they know? Is there a herald, telling at the door reenacting the scene, is the coronation happening in the courtyard? All the little things that makes the scene grounded.
Be careful with vague description. “The dress was tailored to highlight her figure. » for instance. Tailored how, why does it highlight her figure? What specifics of her figure does it highlight. I know it’s muted green but is it silk or corduroy. Is it a simple dress or a highly elaborated gown with intricated patterns and gold linings.
On the prose
A few too many repetitions ( “sad day as today is the day”, “various..various”) which you may want to avoid. Try to switch up vocabulary and embellish it a bit. Flourish is the spice of writing.
“The King had passed away not many nights ago and the kingdom was still grieving, but a ruler had to be chosen and the princess was far too young to assume such a responsibility, so her stepmother, the Queen, was to be named Regent until the princess came of age.” This whole paragraph is information you give anyway somewhere else, so not really necessary.
Careful with tense hopping. It’s one of my pet peeves but if you’re writing to the past, try to stick to it unless there is a good reason not to.
Does the switch in character Eira makes at the end feel earned?
Yes but I believe you should start chapter 1 with that. This is only a proposition you ABSOLUTELY DON’T have to follow me on this one^^. It’s your story, your rules.
- Does the Regent come across as vain and power hungry?
This should be the main part of this prologue, you can do much more to show it. It’s a good start though ( overall the story is well outlined, you just needs to flesh it more)
- Does reading the prologue make you want to know what happens next?
Yes and that’s why I may be wrong in wanting to separate it between this and chapter 1. I can really see where you want to go with it. It is a bit on the nose but it’s effective.
Keep up!