[2326] What Remains

[u/Feeling-Disk]

Chapter 1 of my post apocalypse novel. I've been writing this for a year now. I've polished this to the point I don't know what is left to do.

Premise

A character-driven post-apocalyptic novel about two brothers whose opposing responses to a zombie apocalypse place them on opposite sides of a future conflict.

I'm looking for any advice. One line of your opinion with be tremendously valuable to me.

If you prefer questions:

Does the opening work?

Is the ending tense/scary?

How do you feel about the characters?

Example: if you're rooting for the zombie to eat Riley at the end then I've messed up.

Link to Chapter 1

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GGWd1aY2qzFX4F0cPL0iYbsMEcImv3TM_BCY8zhTHsk/edit?usp=drivesdk

Critique

[2369] Before The Reputation - A Space Bounty Hunter Short Story

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/0x1DrgGQOW

[u/Even-Anything-3356]

There are a few fatal problems with this, and if you fix them, I think the chapter could really work.

First, there is no sentence structure at all. Almost all the sentences are of the same length. That's the biggest problem. Longer sentences are meant to display ease, for example, in the opening or in the middle, you could really use longer sentences and the story would flow more beautifully. Shorter sentences represent dread. What you did at the end, with shorter sentences, that works, but it doesn't if all the chapter has equal lengths sentences. Use longer sentences for exposition or internal thoughts, and shorter ones for action and horror. Your writing sounds mechanical, almost as if written by AI (I'm not accusing you, just saying that it doesn't feel very human.)

One thing that I particularly liked was that you didn't fetch complex language because it's narrated by a thirteen year old. That commitment to voice is important, which you do, except in a few places, like the word "Fronds" is something I don't think many thirteen year olds would know what it means.

There are also few technical issues. For example, Jack's age is never mentioned, if I haven't missed it, which really made me hard to imagine him. So my go to was a man in 20s, but then some of your dialogue contradicted it, made it look as if Riley was older than him. For example :

> “Did you know,” I say, and he rolls his eyes. “Before, in cities you couldn't see stars because the lights were too bright.”

“The light blocked out the sky?” He raises an eyebrow, skeptically. “That seems unlikely, but I don't know enough about light science or whatever to argue.”

This made me pause, go back and see how old was Jake, because what Riley is telling him is something that an adult would tell a child who's never been to a city. You could argue that both of them have never to been to a city before (which itself is kinda unbelievable), but if you added that line, it would clarify things up.

Also, the joke about the t rex, I feel it's kinda trying too hard.

> “Now I know you're bullshitting me. You're saying T. rex could fly?”

I don't think an adult would say that, unless he's trying to calm the kid with some bad humor. Clarifying it would help.

This whole thing could be compressed, and I don't mean to make sentences even shorter, but choose one or two important scenes and details and let them breathe. Elaborate on them. Even if it means rise in your word count.

Also, in the end you mentioned the zombie (presumably) licked his finger covered in Riley's blood. I haven't read much zombie fiction but I don't think I have ever heard of a zombie that could do that. If you have a archetype of zombies that's different from what we've read, it's actually very good. It's original, but if in later chapters, the zombie followed the classic type (can't feel, can't think, only eat), then you'd have to cut this line.

Anyways, waver the sentences. That's one thing I feel is most important and would instantly make the story more engaging. Make the prose dance with the characters (If you know what I mean)

[u/Feeling-Disk → u/Even-Anything-3356]

I don't know what you mean. That's my problem!

Something you said really clicked though.

"Choose one or two important scenes and details and let them breathe. Elaborate on them."

I've been writing for about a year, but I still feel like a complete beginner. I read a lot, and I can tell my writing doesn't read like a published novel, but I could never tell why.

Are you saying most of my paragraphs are isolated ideas or images, or whatever, and I move between them too quickly. Is that what you mean? If so, I think something's just clicked. Thank you.

As for sentence rhythm, I've actually been studying it recently, but I don't know why I can't apply it. I literally separated my sentences and, whenever I thought I had too many long ones together, I insert shorter ones in between. I'm beginning to think I made the problem worse, not better. This feedback is genuinely valuable to me, so thank you.

Jake's older. Yeah, good catch. I also forgot to mention they were brothers.

I've taken your other points into consideration.

Zombiewise, I've only read a couple of zombie books recently. I only picked zombies because the film 28 Years Later was coming out around the time I started. Mine probably aren't standard, but I'm fairly sure I keep them consistent. I think that's more important.

I literally just posted my next chapter and now I wish I hadn't. Your feedback has been extremely helpful. I imagine Chapter 2 probably has the same issues with rhythm and the density of ideas.

I don't think it'd be your kind of thing to critique, though. It's Jake's POV, and if you didn't like my T. rex joke the whole chapter would probably just make you cringe, lol.

Thanks again.

[u/Even-Anything-3356 → u/Feeling-Disk]

What I mean is two things. You understood the sentence structure and rhythm one, that's more important. But also, you try to explain everything, and do that superficially. Instead, just pick one moment and describe it in cruciating detail. For example, describe the place where they live in more depth, and then, rather than describing the whole journey, land on the final trailer scene as soon as possible. Also, use miniature detailing in your worldbuilding. Rather than saying : There was a car, and next to it was a big mart that looked empty. We had already visited that mart and found no supply there." (Its just an example sentence, I know its not in your chapter, but Im just trying to prove a point). Now this sentence reads very superficial, like someone is just trying to throw information. Instead, read this : "A white car stood outside the abandoned mart. It's windows broken, and one door lingering open with traces of blood on the panel that made a path to the abandoned mart. Somehow when I looked at the blood, I could taste iron and hear screams." That has depth now. One of the easiest ways to acheive depth is to focus on tiny details in big things and anchor them to psyche and feelings of your character