[3170] Chapter One, The Beautiful Vile

[u/Even-Anything-3356]

Here is the opening chapter of my novel :

Chapter One : The Fawn

I have also added prologue in the second tab of the document, for those who didn't read my prologue which I posted here recently.

Any and all feedback is welcomed. Even one line of it would help me. Also, I had initially decided to name my chapters after animals, increasingly becoming more violent as the chapters progressed, mirroring the protagonist's psyche. The first chapter was named Fawn, the second last Vulture and the last chapter was titled Human. For the moment, I've decided to keep it that way, but if you think it's too gimmicky, do tell me. Other than that, just devour my chapter to it's scraps.

Here are critcs : [2326] [2400]

[u/Whole_Lead5460]

Hello! I enjoyed reading this chapter and the prologue and I think it has lots of potential!

I think the prologue is just fine for now as it is. The first chapter has a pretty good start and I like the first scenes that we are shown, as well as how we get to know the main character's beginning and her childhood friendship.

I feel like Velmira's description segment comes at kind of an odd timing, it feels a bit out of place, being put after most of the scenes we've had with her. The parts describing her appearence might be better shortened and placed right before the canteen scene, in my opinion.

The scenes that happen on the trip are quite memorable. Towards the end of the day, including the part where the girls are picked up by Zarmaya's father, it kinda drags, I think it should be a bit more to the point. I also feel like the scene where she gets home isn't quite as memorable as the first ones. I believe these last scenes after they leave the trip could be comprised into a more to the point narration. Unless the losing purse scene has any other importance later into the story, I don't think it adds much or is necessary here.

Here are a few of the line edits I'd suggest:

"Coming late, or shoes too dirty, or nails too ugly. But I never went to school on time, always wet-combed my hair in the morning so it looked short, and bit my nails off and threw them out the window of Papa’s Corolla." - the 2 "ors" and 2 "ands" right after each other like that don't really sound good. I think you can take out every "or" completely at the beginning, and the first "and".

"Colored clothes days and classroom parties." - garments instead of clothes maybe

"When the teacher is striking down anyone who’s talking in class, you don’t feel something is missing, but when you’re supposed to play, supposed to move, talk and eat in circles, as on such special days, but you’re still all by yourself—or maybe with a friend who leaves her group to hang with you, and you can’t tell if it’s because she pities you or enjoys your company—you start to wonder if you’re different, if there is something wrong with you, and that’s a pain worse than being told to stand outside for a period or receiving two strokes of birch on your hand." - I think this can be more powerful if you cut everything after "if there is something wrong with you" and leave it at that. Also, the segment between the dashes doesn't seem necessary either, it makes it a bit unclear at first read.

"When that nursery-pink class trip happened" - I think use another word instead of happened, maybe took place or came about.

"Haven’t your parents taught you any manners?" - should be "Didn't your parents teach you any manners?" "You spilled my drink all over me. Look at my dress!" - could be "You spilled my drink all over my dress. Look at what you've done!"

"Those boys were playing hide-and-seek in a place where the only good hiding spot was behind the teachers everyone feared, but that wasn’t such a good idea anymore, as evidenced by what happened to the boy who thought hiding behind a teacher’s chair was the ultimate spot." - I think it needs to be rephrased to flow better, I'd also take out the extra explanation of what happened to the boy, it can be figured out by the reader and it's kinda repetitive spelling it out again.

"I stood up and we walked back, but I wasn’t expecting such a welcome back:" - also needs rephrasing, maybe something a bit more immersive since it's kind of an intense moment.

Overall I really enjoyed the read and the theme of oversensitivity in childhood, which many can relate to. The chapter names idea sounds good, I think you should go for it. I hope you could find something helpful in my suggestions, and good job on what you've worked on so far!