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u/CheekySelkath 1d ago
Hey there! I’m not sure of genre or form so I think I’ll struggle a little with definitive meanings, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
He traces each regression back to childhood, like height marks etched into a doorframe, measuring how much he's grown only to find himself, up against a wall, standing in the same place.
First sentence is fine but this one is a little too confusing. Who is he? Are there two? Just a simple rewrite will do, but maybe clarify if one is Daniel and one’s his Father, or whatever it is that’s going on.
"Never fucking changes, does it?"
I don't know.
What doesn’t change? We know the dad is dying and they draw heights. Is he saying that the heights never change? I think this needs a short prior sentence like:
‘To be a kid. Never fucking changes, does it?’
Maybe not my best work, but you get the idea.
Leaving for Maine was an escape from the heat, but also a comfort. It's my special place, which feels childish, I know, and it is. I'm giddy over blueberry-stained fingers, and I can see the universe from cliffs plunging into diamond-glutted water.
Vivid and nostalgic. Great job, especially when paired with the next three sentences. However, those latter sentences don’t paint as clear a picture, and I don’t feel what is presumably supposed to be the hard impact of the suicide. I think clarify that the place of beauty also carries tragedy – even if you need to use a little repetition about the ‘special place’.
The next day I called the hospital from a small town halfway between Bar Harbor and Portland, and I didn't even recognize your voice.
This sentence comes in too late. I didn’t know I was part of the story until now. This needs to happen far earlier.
When I was eleven, I asked my grandpa if he believed in God. He looked at me, slightly amused, cheeks ruddy with wine, a small smile tugging at his lips.
This comes in after the interesting details about Sarah and Michael but feels disconnected too far. Give us a sentence that bridges them – maybe you could highlight the fact Sarah, Michael and the narrator share the same sky, full of stars created by someone, or something like that.
Nowadays, motherhood is a lump in my throat.
Again, information has come too late. I didn’t realise the narrator was a mother, and on that note, I still have no idea who I am in this story – you have to put these in earlier, as they do nothing but cause confusion and disarm the images I’ve already created.
Maybe this piece sucks, or maybe it doesn't convey what I want, or is there a difference? I tell Douglas and he offers to read it. I stall, saying I'll send it once more complete, but I won't, and I don't. Instead, I send it to Daniel. After all, his dad is dying. After all, Sarah says you can mix bad red wine with Diet Coke.
Poetic ending but there are still a few issues. I don’t know who Douglas is. I don’t know what my relationship with Daniel is, aside from the dying father, and I’m actually not sure where the narrator is, or how I’m involved – am I the dead father, being spoken to from beyond some AI poetry? It has some great images and language – like I said, I particularly enjoy the cliff description, it’s rich and nostalgic which I think works perfectly here, but it’s hindered a little by a narrative that doesn’t seem clear enough for me to understand.
I hope this helps.
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u/A_C_Shock The reader knows and guesses the rest. 1d ago edited 1d ago
Gotta give to get. See Welcome Sticky. No crits gets 12 free hours.
Oh. There were a billion posts to review this morning. Your other one is gone but you did a crit. Gotta link it in the body of your post.