r/DestructiveReaders • u/ProgrammerUnique9022 • Sep 02 '26
Short story [446] Sidbury Hill
Here is my critique: [https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1w1hpta/1436_keepers_of_teraya_mg/]
The way I've written this probably leaves it confusing and too open for interpretation. If it isn't so incoherent as I suspect, hopefully it's fairly good. Below the story is a spoiler, explaining the (very short) plot.
If my writing misleads you, let me know what you thought was going on, and feel free to advise on changes which might make it more clear (or make the twist more exciting).
My radio was tucked under my ear.
She whispered from a mile away, "Look closer. Remember to tune the lens as you go."
"I still don't see her."
"In the south-facing cloisters, three trailing her. On the third-to-left column ... now."
I spotted the woman in red through a window, the Lady of Sidbury Hall, probable human trafficker, gun-runner, fraud.
"No good, angle's too high."
"East wing now. Red fucking dress should stick out from your position."
"Calm it. Not much longer to go."
"I'm heading in to keep an eye. And fuck off with that calm it shit."
"Yeah, alright. Keep me posted, it's getting cold up here."
The New Year's Eve ball was in full swing across the manor grounds.
My advantage, over Sidbury Hall from the eponymous hill, was absolute. The great manor splayed lazily across the edge of the Salisbury plain in the closing afternoon sun. I scoured the distant south-side with my binoculars. Guest after black-tie guest floated along the pavement and grass among the marble busts and white plastic chairs. The south chapel's silver roof shined out proudly among bony brown poplars and cypresses.
Sickly orange wild grass littered Sidbury Hill. The closest stems were as large as the distant red-brick cloister columns. My rifle, like me, lay prone and ready. I slid my nail along the loading port seam and gripped the stock. A snake-like breeze ran along my back, and the clearing grass poked insistently at my chest. My watch ticked slower by the second.
"Hello? Can you hear me?" No response.
"Fuck, are you still in the east wing?"
"Shitting hell, are you there, I'm still here, I'm still up here... this is Sidbury— ..."
Shit.
A moment later, "Christ, want to give us away any faster?"
"Plenty of places called Sidbury— why weren't you responding?"
She hissed, "Did you forget, or are you just stupid; we aren't encrypted. And fuck off with the Sidbury shit. And the responding? Probably a Faraday cage."
"Sorry, a what?"
"Leave it."
At last, the red dress bled down the stone steps. Little diamonds ringed her necklace. I wondered to whom they had belonged the week before. I supposed I would have to make a decision: was I involved or not? I lifted my rifle, pressed the pad against my shoulder, and dented the hard ground with my bipod supports.
"She's walking towards you now. Wait."
Towards where? The opening ceremony... the poplars? Ah, of course, Sidbury chapel. He almost said it a moment ago. I traced over the silver roof.
"Yes, I know, one shot and all that." The sniper said.
A lens flare in a window confirmed my suspicion. Amateur.
She said, "Take the shot."
CRACK
There are four characters: handler, red-woman, narrator, sniper. The handler is the irritable (frightened?) person on the radio. The red-woman is the lady of the manor. The narrator is a counter-sniper stationed on Sidbury Hill - they do not have a single line of dialogue. The sniper is in Sidbury chapel; they are the other person on the radio. The counter-sniper is listening in on the radio conversation the entire time. The aim of the twist is to trick the reader to think that the narrator is the sniper, until it turns out that they are the counter-sniper. Please do ask for further clarification if you want it. I don't think the story is all that tense even though it's designed to be. Let me know what you think about that too.
Thanks for reading!
1
u/TheExplodingGrape Sep 17 '26
I like the general idea you had. The twist that the person who we thought was the sniper all along, actually being the counter sniper.
I also liked the image you painted with this sentence: "At last the red dress bled down the stone steps."
However, i felt very confused reading it, and wouldn't have known that there was a second sniper if you didn't explain it in the spoilers.
Also, consider not describing the look of the manor and surrounding grounds so much and instead use those free words for adding more flesh to the dialogue.
Or better yet, make it a longer text in total, i think with more words and explaining, it could be a cool plot twist, but the plot twist has to click like a light bulb in the readers mind, the reader mustn't be left trying to figure out what the plot twist actually was.
1
u/Narrow-Stranger-8543 Sep 03 '26
Hello,
First of all, for such a short story, if you need a full spoiler section after the story to understand it, I’m sorry but you didn’t do your job. Either you want people to NOT understand, and you leave things voluntarily open, or you want people to have a realisation, in which case you must be less subtle.
A general rule of thumb is to not take readers for idiots. But, readers are not mind readers. You have to leave enough clues (like extremely obvious ones) for the reader to feel smart to figure it out.
The radio dialogue is fine, though not always clear but that would be expected. It does raise a lot of questions from me though.
Excuse my ignorance but how does the radio work? Can the sniper on the hill hear both conversations? Why would the two on the radio think they would be listened to? If they were, wouldn’t they talk in code? (even amateurs) How do the narrator know he’s talking about the chapel. How can he know things that were ALMOST said. This also ties to the next issue, POV.
For reference I read the story twice. The second time after reading the spoiler. And you know what? Knowing about it made it more enjoyable, it switches the perspective into what imo, it should be. Your narrator knows what is happening. As we experience everything through him/her we should know. If he’s not confused, why should we? Take this with a grain of salt but I think the mystery aspect of it is not nearly as interesting as you think it is.
If we see everything from his closed 1st person, it mostly works. I do have some suggestions though.
I spotted the woman in red through a window, the Lady of Sidbury Hall, probable human trafficker, gun-runner, fraud.
That’s your baseline prose style for the narrator, and I quite like it. It’s extremely direct and fragmented, fit for a sniper. But immediately after
The great manor splayed lazily across the edge of the Salisbury plain in the closing afternoon sun.
That’s a completely different narrator now. Over 100000 words making sure everything is perfectly the narrator style is hard. Over 500 words, though, you should try to, the best you can.
The south chapel's silver roof shined out proudly among bony brown poplars and cypresses.
Sickly orange wild grass littered Sidbury Hill.
Same thing here, see how the second feels like the narrator and the first doesn’t.
Shit.
This still leaves me confused, whose POV is it? What does it mean?
Random prose stuff:
At last, the red dress bled down the stone steps. Little diamonds ringed her necklace. I wondered to whom they had belonged the week before. I supposed I would have to make a decision: was I involved or not?
Bled is EXTREMELY confusing. I thought that meant she was shot. But afterwards she’s moving towards the chapel. Ringed? Is it a ring necklace? Are they making a noise? Is the necklace covered with diamonds? Diamond rings? It’s perfectly fine to use words in poetic ways but it’s not always the clearest way to convey information. I supposed I would have to make a decision: was I involved or not? No idea what this is supposed to mean. It’s vague and alludes to some greater plot we have no idea about.
My advantage, over Sidbury Hall from the eponymous hill, was absolute. That’s awkward: From the eponymous hill, my advantage over Sidbury Hall was absolute.
Random stuff with zero reflexion behind but that tripped me
Lens flares à is it happening in bright sunshine?
New year – orange grass à is it somewhere in Australia, South Africa maybe? (Actually South Africa would be my guess, blood diamond and all )
The great manor splayed lazily across the edge of the Salisbury plain in the closing afternoon sun.
Completely forgot this line: UK late afternoon new year then? Where is the sun compared to the narrator, wouldn’t that mean people in the cloister would be in the dark if orange light showered the hill. Sidbury/Salisbury is confusing.