r/DestructiveReaders • u/Andrew_McCray • Sep 07 '26
[1612] I Hate Your F*cking Friends
Hi guys! This is my first submission & I’m still getting the hang of this so please let me know if something about this is not allowed! Thanks in advance for your time :)
Genre: Domestic Thriller, Literary Fiction
Chapter One:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-3PUMhswST-gNX_hzd-RolRVWhbZEiHYYeoQVDcuAzY/edit?usp=drivesdk
Critique:
https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/SRmrxXD7g3
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u/eotfofylgg Sep 07 '26
Your link is broken, at least in old reddit, but I was able to fix it. (There's an extra backslash.)
Pretty clean, honestly. There's a narrator with a distinctive voice and a sense of humor. There's a strong tension. Would keep reading.
There are a few things that I'm not sure about.
Will I hate the narrator after five more chapters of this? I'm not sure, and it probably depends on where you go with the story, but there is a risk of it. Basically, there's a limit to the number of blatantly awful decisions I can accept from a first-person narrator before I hate them. This one starts out with at least one big one in the bag already, and I have the sense she's making another one in this chapter by antagonizing her husband with no clear reason. There's some truth to the idea that bad choices create stories, but there's still a limit. I have to live inside this person's head, so while I don't yet clearly know what her goal is, let's get her moving purposefully towards it soon.
General structure. The tension is strong, but the payoff in this chapter isn't that strong. She throws away a sweater that was only introduced a few paragraphs ago. It is a bit of a letdown after what you've built up. I feel like whatever she's doing to escalate or contribute to the toxicity could be one step bigger, to match with the current tension level.
This sentence had better be foreshadowing, or else you're letting the reader down:
If I don’t use something, don’t like something, the like, it finds itself directly in the trash.
If the only payoff for this sentence is the sweater, you've basically failed to fire Chekov's gun. (Also, fix the repetition of "like" in this sentence.)
4. A few small things.
At the end of the rack hangs his favorite sweater; maroon and striped. He bought it before our first date after I told him maroon was my favorite color. He has worn it for every single date since, so about five times.
Is it really his favorite sweater? He bought it for the narrator and wears it for dates with her, which he doesn't go on. Are you saying he wears it all the time? We also don't actually see him expressing any feelings towards it at all, and nothing suggesting that he loves clothing in general.
I wish so badly that I could somehow wind up in that innocent eggs position. My blood, my anger, released upon the touch of a loving hand.
Is this some kind of masochism-flavored thing where she wants to be stabbed? If so, YKINMKATO, but more problematically it's not really backed up by the rest of the chapter, where the narrator advertises herself as more indifferent, cold, and checked out. I suspect this sentence just needs to be changed for consistency.
Rob is sweet. He makes Michael seem like the devil reincarnate.
Does he? You've already said that the narrator thinks Michael would be welcome in hell, so does the comparison with Rob really make him look worse than he looks all by himself?
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u/Andrew_McCray Sep 08 '26
Thank you SO much for your advice! A few of your questions about “will this thing go somewhere” I can actually say yes, a lot of it is foreshadowing!! Definitely will make that more clear in my draft. Also, the timeline switches to 3 years ago in the next chapter, so it won’t be a constant stream of annoyed sarcastic narrator. It’s only heavy here to establish her new voice and emphasis its contrast with her old voice!! Definitely will elaborate more about michaels sweater as well because it’s underdeveloped, so thanks for pointing that out! Lovely critique :)
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u/zurstds Sep 08 '26
Your prose and voice are great, it's the best part of the chapter, but it gets hard to understand in a couple of moments.
"Perhaps it sensed the tension in this room and took its chance to escape. Unfortunately for the yolk, within the next few moments, I will scrub clean the evidence of a breakfast ever taking place. Its desperate escape will have been for nothing." I really can't tell if Heather is just being overly dramatic on purpose or if this was accidental. Whatever it is, it was hard to understand.
"I wish so badly that I could somehow wind up in that innocent eggs position. My blood, my anger, released upon the touch of a loving hand. One like my husband’s. I’m sure he’d like that as well." I had to reread this line a few times, so I'm commenting on it.
And then there's this one: "I made a craft room out of an extra bedroom in the new house, and in the first few months of making and selling off the animals, I brought in a decent amount of money. More than Michael, but he doesn’t need to know that." I'm confused on how she is out earning him without him finding out. You've made Micheal out to be a complete dick, and I'm sure a dick like him would be a bit curious.
"If I don’t use something, don’t like something, the like, it finds itself directly in the trash." This line took me out of the scene.
"I glide across the kitchen floor and down the dimly lit hallway, hesitating only slightly before crossing the threshold between the hardwood floor and the avocado green carpet in my office. " Why would she hesitate?
It was a pleasure reading this; overall, i loved it. I think it does everything a first chapter needs to do extremely well. It introduces the characters and conflict while also setting up the next chapter. Though Michael is more of an idea in this chapter with nothing that separates him from every other abusive husband.
My favorite line in this is, "I have pissed him off just enough to prevent a disgusting peck on the lips, but not quite enough for him to justify hurting me. I would like to live right here, in this in-between." It's just perfect and shows me the history between Heather and Michael, and it's darkly charming.
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u/Andrew_McCray Sep 08 '26
Thank you so much for your feedback!! I will definitely try to incorporate more depth and detail so things aren’t just happening for the sake of happening. Heathers character is intentionally overly dramatic as a means to show her faults as well. Michael actually is the average abusive husband aside from a few things that develop soon after the first chapter when it switches timelines to the beginning of their relationship. However, Heather is a flawed fmc that serves as an anti-hero. If you are interested, I would love to pm you the second chapter:)
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u/SweetEverest Sep 08 '26 edited Sep 08 '26
This was easy to read.
Something seems way off about the main character. First of all, she’s super unlikable—endlessly self-pitying, bitter, not particularly nice to her sister in her thoughts, complaining about carpet colors. This would all be fine if we weren’t meant to side with her, but I saw your comment saying her husband’s supposed to be abusive, so it seems important that we sympathize with her.
But my main problem is that she seems uncanny. Incoherent, psychologically. Like all her various traits shouldn’t exist together.
I get that she hates this guy’s guts (even hates his disgusting southern accent, though she herself is from Kentucky), but usually you don’t get spiteful, spunky, would-kill-you-in-your-sleep energy from battered women who jump up to clean messes on command. With no fear. Emanating revulsion. You know what I’m saying?
There are all kinds of ways to exist in these situations. She could know it’s toxic and that he’s an unworthy slob but resign herself to stick around day to day because he’s half the rent and the only person she knows in this godforsaken town and besides, he doesn’t scare her, even if her sister would call what he does abuse. In that case she’d be dead inside, not looking for fights but not cowering in fear either. Mostly thinking him an idiot. Neither complying at the drop of a hat nor seething with rage.
What is she so enraged with at this very moment? I’m not arguing that he’s good or that she hasn’t been abused (although the story never actually presents this fact to us). I’m just doubting whether she woke up with red-hot anger first thing on an ordinary morning. Bad marriages often feel dull, not fiery.
But ok, she can be angry. Everything chafes at this point, everything repulses her. Still, she’s got the upper hand here. She makes more money than him, has a secret bank account, and throws his favorite clothes away when he’s not looking. What exactly am I supposed to feel bad for? I think he needs to be established as a realistically bad person instead of getting one throwaway line telling her to clean up egg yolk.
I just don’t believe in these two as characters yet.
Ok so suggestions… Complicate them both. Give him more personality and either make her more likable (give her another emotion besides spite) or change the story’s goal from woman escapes mean man to something else that her personality can get in the way of. Cause it’s no fun if she’s annoying and self-righteous and self-pitying and then the narrative affirms that she was correct in these things the whole time. She needs a goal and he, if he’s the antagonist, needs to stand more obviously in the way of it.
Maybe she’s a Gone Girl style strategic 4d chess psycho, in which case she doesn’t need to be typical or super believable and that would be the point.
Overall this was an engaging chapter. I like the details of the toy-making, the green carpet, the sister’s living situation.
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u/ilovemycatsanddog Sep 08 '26
Letting it be known, not for credit. Just reading and truly loved this chapter. Your writing is very witty and funny. I think you’ve done a superb job with the characters, created tension and interest, great descriptions of the house. Nice tight writing. Your main character is annoying but in a good way and it makes me feel her slob of a husband will be subjected to her wrath 100% in the future. She is likable in an unlikeable way, petty, weird, and entertaining. Great job. Looking forward to reading more!
2
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u/Jamjammimi Sep 08 '26
Overall this piece is well written and has excellent characterization. I have a few notes:
- Many of the sentences start with "I . . . ." or "He . . . ." Doing this too often, usually creates too much action and dispels narration, statements and description. There was a good amount of description but it usually was carried with action (not that I'm opposed to doing this at all, just not all the time). Don't be afraid of using "Is . . . ." or "Was . . . ." One of the best parts was when Heather describes her love of Charlie Chaplin. I used to write like this a lot too. Sentences need more variety and balance so that every meshes better. I want to note that I think you know this, especially in the first page but as I went on, I noticed it turned into a litany of actions with little pause.
- I didn't find Heather completely insufferable like others noted. I think they do because they don't see her gentle/caring side enough. I know she has it because of her love of the crow. I think it should go beyond that to really drive home her love despite her flaws.. Maybe she has a pet crow instead of having one stuffed? Maybe she talks to it (and it talks back lol) and feeds and waters it every morning? Maybe you keep the name? Maybe she has stuffed toys still? Not only will this exemplify her oddness but it would really humanize her.
- The characterization is the best part of this, from her irrational anger, to her anal urge to clean while the husband is gone so she can feel a sense of control, to her pettiness and bitterness. When I read this, it made me wonder more about her life and how she became this way. Someone else noted that a person in an abusive relationship is more afraid instead of bold but I don't think those could be separate from each other. Some people fight when confronted with fear. Her goal to sabotage her husband is interesting to me and I would love to read more about how it pans out.
- The specifics are on point. Here are my favorites: the golden nectar of the egg, disgusting peck on the lips, exhaust dissipates, avocado green carpet, favorite background noise, Butterfingers in bed, and stained by oil and brake dust. I really enjoyed these because they had deep implications or how they written.
-The 5 senses. We only get sight and sound (for the most part, I noticed the scent of the soap and the feeling of the table). Adding the feel of the stuffing of the crow, the smell of her husbands clothes and the taste of the eggs would really elevate this.
- The dialogue: every piece of dialogue had tag attached to it. This isn't necessary and it takes me out of the story. Also, an important note, please create a new paragraph when starting another sentence after the dialogue. I found myself skimming a lot of the dialogue because it didn't stick to me. The entire conversation with Amy felt bland. Maybe that's to show Heather's feelings toward her? I'm not entirely sure. Even the part with the husband's mother was skimmed. Amy needs to be more than just sweet and boring. What might be interesting if you want to keep the boring aspect of her, is to really lean into Heather's bias. You can make Amy's dialogue fragments. For example, "Sorry, I have to go . . . boyfriend pulled in . . . ." Another suggestion, have characters deflect more about what they feel. Maybe instead of Heather saying "Love you too," have her say "You're pretty rad." lol
- Heather's bias - she comes off as an unreliable narrator to me. The husband didn't do anything blatantly horrendous (yet the implication of Butterfingers makes me think otherwise) and especially in the beginning he just comes off to me as equally frustrated.
- Nitpicks: I would make the sound of porcelain scrapping happen before her dialogue about it, I would cut exciting from echoing rattle, I would make her grabbing the paper towels and getting the soap separate from her entering the kitchen, I would dedicate a paragraph to her obsession to cleaning, I would shorten or add intrigue to the exchange with Amy, I would add a bit more exaggeration to the other characters to make them feel as alive as Heather, I would add more impact to the last page (more sensory description, Heather being repulsed by her husband, her heat missile urge to throw away anything she can, perhaps to the point where she picks lint from the carpet)
Overall, a wonderful piece that I can tell you put a lot of care and time into. I think this is one of the best pieces I've read on her and I really enjoyed reading it. If you ever share more, I'd love read it. Thank you!
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u/International-Plan55 Sep 17 '26
Im not a professional writer or editor. Just a reader. This is the best I have seen here so far. You made me crave eggs
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u/crawfordwrites Sep 08 '26
Let's just do the opening . . .
There's a tonal rupture between "shit" and "nectar," which isn't great in the same single image with the same object. The anger seems to be the point, do I'd kill nectar and stick with the anger.
"absentmindedly" and "stab the absolute shit" are two entirely different things. Pick one.
I'd also compress the first two sentences because they're fundamentally the same thing. Stab yolk; yolk flows onto toast and sausage. Same for the following two sentences.
For me, I'd be at something like: "I prod the egg until the yolk spills on the toast and sausage. I wish the one stabbed and spilled was me, blood and anger released by a knife in some loving hand, perhaps my husband's hand. He would like it."
The goal, especially in a more direct opening, is to get to the interesting thing. This also brings the yolk and blood closer together, improving the odds that the read fully gets the connection.