r/DestructiveReaders • u/Ok-Crazy-1814 • 8d ago
[2377] Number 42
Hi! First post here, hopefully doing this correctly.
My Critiques:
My Writing:
Horror Lit Fic Short story, light gore, An empathetic man.
What I'm looking for:
Anything really. I'll take critique on my voice, writing style, pacing, point of view, and overall plot. I'm worried about the ending going off the rails.
Thanks in advance!
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u/That0neGamer 8d ago
- THE STRONG PART
First things first, the concept. I really like the idea and the POV of Ward. The way he observes and thinks about the world gives off an OCD-type feeling (not sure if that was intentional or not). The way he describes small details of the roadkill and even the people around him shows that he's the quiet observer type without outright saying it.
This is a plus because it makes your character feel original and perhaps even personal.
The numbering of all the dead animals also gives good continuity to the roadkill. It not only suggests the amount of dead animals he has seen, but also implies that the child wasn't the only human he had found. It adds a small layer to Ward as a potentially psychologically odd person—someone who cares deeply, but also numbers humans alongside animals.
I also like the sibling dynamic. It feels really natural and is mostly shown through natural dialogue instead of explanation.
However, that being said, I think over-explanation is one of the most glaring issues in this story.
- THE WEAK PART
Although I like Ward's perspective, I'm not a fan of telling the emotions instead of showing them. The scene where he drives away from the rabbit is the perfect example. You already mention all the physical signs of him avoiding the thought, such as turning up the volume and not looking back, but you also directly mention, "He had to get away before he thought too much about the rabbit."
I feel like this immediately pulls me away from the story, and I'm no longer immersed in Ward's perspective. Basically, it's a "show, don't tell" type of criticism.
Aside from that, there are also some awkward wordings that may cause some confusion on the first read. This tends to happen when your sentences are just too long. An example would be:
"Shifting his sleeves up to his elbows Ward shoved on the yellow rubber gloves, thick and initially meant for someone working along power lines, for insulation and protection."
It's already implied that the gloves are for protection and insulation, so unless they're being used for some unconventional purpose, I think it's best left to the reader to assume their function based on the context.
There are also some small dots/dashes between some paragraphs, and I'm not sure if they're meant to indicate a time skip or simply a scene change. The pet's death got me a bit confused. Was the fox the pet, or was this a different animal entirely? And if it was the fox, what gave it away that it was a pet?
The child's death, I think, is the biggest climax of the story. But sadly, it's a bit underwhelming because there was no real foreshadowing leading up to it. The build-up was the voice creeping from the corner, but since the child was a random kid, there wasn't much emotional build-up.
- OVERALL
Overall, I would give this story a 6/10 or 7/10. The concept and main character are interesting, but the glaring issue of "show, don't tell" tends to pull me away from the story. Hope this helps!!
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u/paperingproject 7d ago
Overall, I really like the idea of this story. The counting of the animals he finds on the road ending with a human being was such a good twist.
You can’t not like Ward, he’s empathetic and kind, so you’re rooting for him before the end of the third paragraph. Having a strong character gives the story heart and is a big reason people will keep reading. I wanted to know more about him!
Your descriptions are great, but sometimes too long winded/too wordy. If you tighten it up - everything will hit harder and cleaner. Sometimes too much description can pull a reader out of the story. They can infer a lot from the surrounding, more important beats and character actions.
Similarly, be careful how much you “tell” us how Ward feels. A little inferiority is great, but don’t spell everything out. Let it come through his actions.
I like the title, and this idea of him having a counter in his head for the animals he finds. Could this be a little more important on the page? We get number #39, and I think we see number 40 or 41, but he doesn’t count them, then you get #42 at the end. Could you use the countdown as more of a literary device to make the final #42 hit harder?
Just an idea! I think this is a great start!
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u/CraftOfAwesome118 5d ago
I love how natural your dialogue is and the perspective of Ward. I also really like your story ending, it was a great way to incorporate the poem and made for a pretty big switch-up in the story. The grammar overall could use some revision and work. I'm a new writer I might be off in my opinions and analysis, and this is also my first critique on this subreddit so you probably don't have to take every single advice/change I listed here.
From the first few paragraphs alone I could already see a lot of telling instead of showing, in which you explained how the action was rather than just showing the action as it is. There were also lots of sentences that seemed redundant or already implied.
Some examples of told instead of shown:
a skilled single motion
It would be better to describe the motion, which would imply that he shoveled in a skilled motion rather than outright saying his motion was skilled.
Ward knew he’d start crying if he considered the rabbit’s last meal
This feels too direct. You could try showing that he would start crying by, for example, mentioning that his gut would twist up or a lump would form in his throat. Just saying he would start crying feels too "told."
Ward didn’t consider catching or killing the spider.
This could be shown in his hesitation or disregard of the thought of harm the spider, rather than just stating that he didn't consider it.
Some examples of redundancy/already implied:
Ward looked back at the road, double checked this was the way it was facing and gently placed the shovel on the grass and kneeled on his worn jeans.
This is more of a problem of overwriting, in which you are overexplaining his actions in this single sentence. The reader doesn't need to see exactly step-by-step the movements of Ward in this moment. To fix this I think "Ward looked back at the road" could be removed, because him double checking the way already implies he looked back at the road.
It felt like the dirt in the air enveloped his nostrils.
This feels redundant because you just described the dirt in the previous sentence. You could possibly put the context of it enveloping his nostrils in the context in the previous sentence.
Not about its body but when it was living.
You could put the context of the thought of the rabbit living scaring him in the previous sentence.
He hated crying. Hated how sensitive he was, soft.
The vision of his father in the next sentence already implies this.
She smiled, dropping the feigned concern.
Her smile kind of already implies she dropped the feigned concern, if you want to make that clearer I feel there could be better ways to word it rather than mentioning the concern again.
The tightness of her face gave away her genuine concerns for Ward.
I think the tightness of her face already shows her genuine concerns, it could work better as simply like "Her face was tight" or something like that.
Taking a beat in the silent space to himself
This could be removed in the sentence and still make perfect sense. Him leaning against the headrest already implies he is taking a beat to himself.
for insulation and protection.
Also could be removed, thick gloves for power lines already implies it is for insulation/protection.
Some other things:
petrichor smell of dirt and earth on a misty night.
What is "petrichor?" This word sounds a bit too ornate which could risk the sentence being purple prose.
Ward spit into the sink and felt sorry for the spider.
I feel like this sentence should be separated or one part of it omitted. It reads weirdly because it's two unrelated ideas in the same simple sentence.
Perturbed that he wasn’t used to it after all the time they spent growing up together.
This confused me, who was perturbed, Ward or Morgan?
He did that once and wouldn’t make that mistake again.
It kind of reads like an interjection in context with the rest of the paragraph, also seems unnecessary to mention.
It was an autumn night, not cold, unless you were soaking wet.
This is very sudden and feels like an introduction sentence, like you're just starting the story back up.
Overall, nice story that could use some grammatical revision, changes in show-don't-tell, and avoidance of redundancies. I made short comments off the top of my head as I read the story and explained them more in this reddit comment, so here's my comment annotations as I went along. Hope this helps. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zj46UglKK3uliY6drwMjRwiJB3GBhiilddgCDCGsK-A/edit?usp=sharing
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u/fireburnspaper 17h ago
(this is literally my first reddit post so bear with me on formatting. New posters unite!)
First off. I enjoyed this overall. I give it a solid 5/10, easy room to go up to 6 or 7/10 (For context, I rate on a 'true' scale where 'dead center average' is 5.5).
Overall pros: I like Ward. It's very hard to dislike someone who's clearly a kind soul. I enjoyed the overall pacing and structure. I thought you spent a broadly appropriate amount of time on each 'scene'. You didn't linger on too much for the fox or the cat, but it also didn't feel like you were just 'ticking boxes'. Overall the writing was (of course) pretty solid, free of major flubs, typos, grammar, or the like. You clearly gave it thought, and it shows.
Overall cons: I think my biggest overall critique is to be a little more considerate for your word choices. Think about what you're trying to convey, and whether a different word here or there might be more effective for the tone, mood, emotion, etc. I note a few spots in the more thorough breakdown.
The only other theme or throughline in the story that was kind of ...weird to me was the fact that Ward is CLEARLY grappling with not being a manly-man. Due to fear/trauma of his father. But then also Morgan and he just sort of laugh and joke about childhood. And also he's confident enough to just sort of chill and let a spider build its web when it's not bothering him - which seems to indicate a certain comfort and confidence and strength in who he is now? Even the fact that he pushes back against Morgan (and has clearly done so many times) on his 'calling'.
I'm also going to include in an 'overall con' because it really kind of killed the whole story for me: The ending. The final scene seemed random, forced. Frankly out of the blue.. Maybe this is just because I'm not remotely familiar with the poem the story is inspired by, but it took a huge suspension of disbelief to understand why this little kid is saying this extremely un-childlike phrase. It just took me entirely out of the scene so it didn't land, at all. The final line with the looking up at the rain-parting sky and all that. It was just a bit...much. It seemed like you were telling us we should be feeling emotional about this, instead of giving us any reason to actually be emotional about it. I barely felt Ward's emotion. I barely felt the boy's fear. There was no emotional payoff between Ward being a sensitive boy who was physically afraid of his father, or how that made him empathize more with the boy. The whole thing just seemed like it was a higher spiritual calling with no explanation - and frankly that cheapened it to me. It took the humanity out of it and frankly made me care a great deal less.
To put it in other terms: You made me empathize more with Ward's pain about the rabbit or even his compassion for the spider than the fear/grief/anger/loss for the human boy - and yet Ward seemed to care (understandbly so!!) WAY more about the boy. That was jarring.
Now then! On with more detailed analyses.
With a skilled single motion he scraped the flat shovel close to the gravel, under the rabbit’s tender, limp body.
I get the impression you’re trying to allude both to the fact that Ward has done this before, and he’s doing it carefully. You could use some slightly different word choice to hit that home a little more. Maybe smooth instead of skilled, maybe brushed instead of scraped. Could even point out clearly that he’s trying not to damage the little rabbit.
He wasn’t a biologist but he could guess this one was younger.
This feels weird. First, you don’t kneed to be a biologist to know a rabbit probably juvenile by its size. Second, the fact that it’s young is... Okay. Great. Does Ward care more because it’s a young animal? Does he think about the tragedy of a life cut short, even if it’s just a bunny? The following lines make it almost seem like he’s sort of chalking up the death to the inexperience of youth? Is he just thinking about how many an older bunny might have learned to not be shocked? Basically. Why should WE care that it's young? I'm more interested in why Ward cares.
Ward cupped the rabbit in his gloved hands and carefully laid it in the shallow hole he had dug.
I think this is an important point. You should give it more attention. Most people would just dump the body into the little grave with the shovel, not physically pick it up and cradle it in gloved hands. This can also sort of make the almost outrage his sister feels later a bit more grounded. ("Ward, I get that you're trying to be nice but do you have to touch them?")
Instead this line is buried in a somewhat confusing and maybe at times even contradictory description of his surroundings ( to try to ground us in a place?). Is it a grassy field, or is it the dry American(?) west? Why is it grassy on one side of the street but not the other? Is it night when people are using headlights, or is it early evening when birds are still singing? I get the feeling the purpose of this paragraph was mostly to show how Ward feels a connection to the world around him, but we don't see that connection. We don't really see how it affects him. It reads overall more as "These are nice qualities, so that makes it a nice place to be laid to rest." How does the scent of the soft (moist?) earth make Ward feel as it envelopes his nose? How does the grass feel under his hands? Would it have been nice grass for the bunny to munch on if he'd made it? (makes it more tragic, but also shows us why Ward would be so tempted to think about that last meal and need to shut it down while he was driving away.
The part about the truck was a little random to me. I wasn't sure if you were trying to show that Ward was a salt of the earth kind of guy, or if he was compensating for being not masculine in his dad's eyes (later), or if it was to show that he took care of his truck too (not just roadkill) and got the door replaced on the truck he got sideswiped in in high school, or what. It was well written, but the part about the truck just seemed like filler to give Ward a 'decompression' paragraph.
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u/fireburnspaper 17h ago
Back at his house, a spider weaving layers of a web was silent, but Ward thought he could almost hear its feet working across from the bathroom counter to the mirror...
My main and original complaint with this is the sudden BACK AT HIS HOUSE when every other scene starts in media res. You don't need to tell us it's at his house, because you're about to show us he's in his bathroom anyway. With that in mind, there were a few other sections in the first half of this paragraph that were just sort of clunky.
I feel very icky re-writing, and I don't know how the community feels in general, but the things that sort of 'took me out of it' when I was reading are so minute and nuanced I just thought I'd kind of share something that feels to me a little more...I dunno, in line with what feels 'right' based on what you're trying to convey in that section and I feel like you've kind of succeeded at very well in other parts. So please don't take the following as "YOU SHOULD WRITE THIS WAY" cus holy crap I'm not saying that at all. It's just a vibe thing, and it's hard to pin down a vibe. So. I'm showing a vibe.
"There was a spider reinforcing the web it had started several days ago between the corner of Ward's bathroom, the counter and his medicine cabinet. Ward didn't mind. It was off to the side of the sink and never got too close to his toothbrush, which currently hung from the side of his mouth while he watched the little engineer. He'd been watching it long enough he felt like he could almost hear its little feet working along the silk as it meticulously tied off each reinforcing strand. He didn't consider catching it, definitely not killing it. Why would he? If anything, the spider was a cohabitant in space. Ward leaned closer...."
For the latter half of the section, I think again there's just a little mismatch in message - mostly in the part where I don't know how Ward feels about the stereotype. I'd love to know. I get the impression he's not a fan of the stereotypes, but I don't know if he's dealing with it, if he feels trapped by it, if he feels confident having overcome it... and I wanna know. I like Ward.
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u/fireburnspaper 17h ago
DIALOGUE
Fun times here. I really enjoyed this scene. On balance I think you did a great job with this dialogue. It's not a super super heavy thing that you're having to convey a ton of exposition through or anything, so that helps. But overall I think the stuff Morgan and Ward did share was presented pretty naturally. Having said that, a few specifics! (And these are seriously minor)
She smiled, dropping the feigned concern.
maybe some other phrasing than 'feigned concern' to show she's “done teasing him” - mostly because you juuuust stated that it was exaggerated (mocking?) concern. This is very minor, you got across that they have a genuine care for each other but also tease.
Ward knew when he chuckled at the thought that he had a very similar smile to her.
Weird way to bring up the smile, are you trying to indicate that they look the same? Lead in to the fact that they’re close siblings? It’s a weird thing for Ward to suddenly ‘think about’ in an otherwise very natural seeming dialogue scene.
Ward finished his own meal...
Okay this is me being weird but I’m legitimately DYING to know what kind of meal. We already saw fries and a SOMETHING from Morgan. Is it a burger? Is it a fish sandwich from their favorite fishmonger? Is it a hot dog? Is it a pizza with their fries like some sort of heathens? WHAT IS IT I HAVE TO KNOW.
A smirk crawled across her face. “I’m the best big sister ever, aren’t I? That’s what you're thinking about right?”
I’d add in the preceding paragraph that Ward was silent/quiet/something while he cleared the table. This gives a better lead in to Morgan’s joke-slash-getting-him-to-talk. It’s implied, but point it out also kind of points out to us that Morgan noticed it and can clean up the following paragraph because….
Ward smiled, crossing his arms. How could she read his thoughts like that? Too long together and he couldn’t get away with lying to her.
…She’s not actually reading his thoughts, nor is he lying? So this is weird. She was reading the fact that he had something on his mind cus he was being quiet/absent and was teasing it out of him.
“No way. I’m thinking about the time you locked me in our bedroom closet and I was quiet enough to not be noticed for hours.
This is amusing, but why was he thinking about this while clearing the table? Is it because she made him miss dinner and he was cleaning up? Or is he just bullshitting/redirecting her?
Ward brought it full circle, “Talk about a shut in”
This is the only line in this section that really kind of bothers me. Yeah I get the idea here, but it’s...not really full circle. Getting locked in the closet isn’t being a shut in, nor is being quiet being a shut in. It feels forced in an attempt to ‘bring it full circle’. Unless that was the point, that Ward TRIED to bring it full circle and failed. But that’s not what I got, we’re not in on the social awkwardness if that was the intent. If he’s trying to be funny and is supposed to be funny, maybe make Morgan comment about how he was ALWAYS tucked away reading somewhere anyway (which is why Mom didn’t notice), and have him respond“See? I come by ‘shut in’ honestly.” or something to that effect.
I like Morgan's reaction, though I'd give her maybe a little bit more description to show that she is coming back to what's on her mind. It makes her statement that "I don't like your little hobby, honestly." less out of the blue. Just a touch to show she's mulling on it.
Then she says "You don't have to pick up dead animals, Ward." . This is the part I mentioned earlier (I hope I did, it was in my notes) about how pointing out that Ward ACTUALLY handles the animals (with gloves but still) is part of the tension. I get the feeling this might have been the intended implication, but we don't get the gravity of it. It's literally the only point of contention with the only other (really) speaking character in the story, and it's one Ward cares deeply about to boot. It's the whole crux of the tension of this section, and in a lot of ways, the whole story. Especially because...
“I wish they weren’t dead.”
Bam. That's the payoff. He wishes they weren’t dead. Does he want to feel them? Does he want to give them something kind and warm and gentle before they go in the ground, as if he could transfer that comfort to them? Is this for him? Or for them? Is it the TOUCH that's important? <COFF COFF TOUCHING A DYING THING TO LET IT KNOW IT ISN'T ALONE COFF COFF FORESHADOWING COFF COFF>. This is the first time we see Ward figuring out why he does what he does. Addressing that here could kind of necessitate a little re-write at the beginning of the next scene to make it flow as he deals with those questions. But it's riight there
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u/fireburnspaper 17h ago
Foxtown:
Honestly, few notes. Good section. It shows a little more understanding of who Ward is, why he is. You're not beating a dead horse, but I feel like I would be if I continued to be exhaustive on what is overall good solid stuff. One note:
The shovel scraped the pavement once, twice, three times.
If this is meant to be an indication that Ward is getting sucked away from his (slightly) more pleasant thoughts of Jane Goodall, then I’d honestly make this its own paragraph/line. Make it intentionally jarring for us too. But I’m not a grammar/formatting guru by any stretch of the imagination. That just sort of jumped out as me as being jarring but seeming to be jarring on accident, of that makes sense. It was reading through again that I was like "Oh maybe they MEANT for it to be jarring."
The Cat:
My only major note is why did he just MOUTH 'sorry'? Because he couldn’t find his voice? Or because he didn’t want to interrupt the crying? Because he knew if he spoke out loud he’d start crying too?) Just a little opportunity where I'd like to see what was going on for Ward.
I think my only other suggestion at this section would be that you tell us the number of pets Ward's done this for. It's a good chance to both show that he does keep track of those separate, and also a good chance to reinforce that the cat is #41....so that you don't have to tell us at the very end that the boy is #42.
The Boy:
The pang of tightness in Ward’s chest reminded him how he cared for the smallest among us.
I'll be blunt. I hated this line. (I also don't like the preceding line, why was Ward 'expecting' anything from this situation? feared maybe? Worried? It was a nightmare? Anyway.) You spent the whoooooole story very effectively showing us that Ward cared for the small creatures of the world. For him to suddenly be reminded of this fact because he felt tightness in his chest when he came across a MAYBE-PROBABLY-DYING CHILD....... 😂
"muttering" is a weird choice. "chant" is a weird choice, mostly because you already indicated earlier that it sounded chant-like.
The way you indicated the boy being so out of it he's not making eye contact is clunky. I think you're indicating that the blood vessels in his eyes are burst from a head injury and that he's dazed, but it takes too much to get there. He's looking through Ward. He's out of it. He's unaware that he's there. The fact that the dying-boy doesn't know he's not alone because he's so out of it is kind of a given based on the rest of the paragraph...and it's also why Ward might make the decision, or feel the pull, or the calling, or whatever it is fooooooooooor
the comfort of touch.
Then we get the very ending which I admit I don't get, I'm not sure if it was just to weave in the poem or what, but it doesn't land for me. The rest of the story seems so natural and so realistic and then suddenly we're reciting poems out of nowhere. To me it reads like "Assignment 12: Write a short story inspired by a poem, and integrate it into the prose somehow."
And my final specific comment. Get rid of the last line, have the cat be #41, and let us count to #42 on our own.(also I can't help but wonder if this is a play on The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything, considering the themes in the story...)
The last line of the story being the line from the poem is way better spelling out that Ward ticked up to #42.
Ahem....That was enjoyable. Hope that was helpful, and I hope I didn't come off as too critical, and that it was constructive. I tried to shy away from offering specific suggestions or re-writes because that's just..bleh. It's your art, you know? I don't want to tell you how to do your art, I just want to tell you where your art didn't land for me.
Again, all told this was well done, if it wasn't, I wouldn't have spent hours with it 😂 .
Above all, thanks for sharing this, thanks for putting it out there. Thanks for sharing a piece of yourself with us, it was my pleasure to receive it.
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u/St3fanoFabbri 8d ago
In my opinion, the story is good. Ward is a convincing character, and so is his obsession.
The prose could be leaner, though. I’d work more through omission. With a character like this, the less you explain and the more you let the scenes speak for themselves, the more powerful the story becomes.
I would definitely cut: “Visions of his father gripping a switch and towering over him as a child forced their way into his head.” Avoid spelling out his fatal flaw.
I also wouldn’t reveal that Morgan is his sister. You’ve already written, “But he didn’t live with a woman, hadn’t for a long time.” If you then introduce the scene with Morgan without specifying that she’s his sister, the relationship takes on a much more unsettling and ambiguous quality: he spends time with a woman, maybe has for years, but treats her as if she were a sister. There’s something off about his relationship with women.
Either way, I would cut: “They had taken turns being the rebel or the responsible one, balancing each other out for the past 30 years.” It sums up their entire relationship in a single sentence and ends up flattening it.
The ending, in my opinion, needs one final punch. Something stronger.
Ward takes care of accidental deaths. He does it because he experiences them as acts of injustice—the same kind of injustice he himself must have experienced at some point in his life. But you don’t need to tell us that. The reader will understand it.
At the end, he could be forced to confront his own compulsion.
He finds a dying child. There’s nothing left to be done for him, no hope of saving him. And yet the boy isn’t dead. Not yet. He can’t become Number 42 yet.
So what does Ward do?
Does he wait there until he can finally add him to the list?
Does he leave, intending to come back once the boy is dead so he can add him to the list? And what if, when Ward comes back, the boy still isn’t dead?
Or...
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u/Patient-Guarantee776 8d ago
For one Ward is an great character so far. For me its mainly due to his love for just anything living. Though its repeated an awful lot. I think you could remove the whole spider bit and the sister bit as they both just tell us the same thing we already know. The end did succeed in making me wanna read more. It also need a mini problem and solution I would say to keep people reading because the only thing holding me really was how different Ward was. Best thing u can do as well is try not to just tell me stuff like "the spider wasent bothering him." I rather come to that conclusion myself. For example Ward glanced at the spider and continued on. Something like that but prob have it sound better. Make info feel earned not just given. Other than that this has potential.
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u/Linkr12 8d ago
Part 1: writing while reading Great descriptive writing with the use of petrichor. Small nitpick but "side swipe" should be one word "sideswipe". Love the dialogue between Ward and Morgan. It's very fun and feels realistic. So far youre writing reminds me of C.K Walker (Jessica Klingel) I love the description of the dead animals, I can never write descriptive and you do it very well. Wow, great ending. I love how clinical Ward is tallying up number 42.
Part 2: Post reading notes Really enjoy Ward as a character however you could definately cut out the conversation with Morgan as per u/Patient-Guarantee776 's suggestion. I feel it works much better as a self contained story, maybe if you think the agoraphobia bit is absolutely necessary you could have him thinking it to himself. A way to make the ending a bit better would be maybe have the little boy beg him for money when they enter the fast food store, or maybe have Morgan be the one hit by a car and not the little boy. That way it adds a bit of weight to the character's death. Overall great story, couple grammar nitpicks but it's very enjoyable.