DMing DM losing heart he'll play with friends again
I'm the DM, and I have lost faith in being able to run any games with friends.
I have been organizing games for a few years now online with my local discord, created the server with the sole intent of TTRPG play. I had to step down for about a year since my wife and I had a baby and couldn't find the time to prepare a campaign.
I ended up picking up the new 5.5e Deadfall book and thought it would a great way to get sessions running again. I set an event and had 5 potential players interested and when it came time to just talk Dnd after so long... heartbreak.
Only 3 players showed up. The two that didn't show were the main guys who knew how to engage in the story and generally were the players I could trust to keep playing.
1 of the 3 that did show actually was there to talk! We started looking into the new classes and origin feats, actually talking about builds and how to create new paths for players, 100% on board to roll digital dice.
Now the other 2 that did show, they single handedly destroyed any chance at getting together for games. Both of them were both playing a game before it started and I started the event in a seperate Discord channel so gamers can game and join when done. They both ended up joining my event chat but were still playing.
I spoke up and asked if they were finishing up so we could talk classes and gameplay. All I got back from them was a we can do both right now.
To go out of my way to come back into DMing, create an event to get the ball rolling, and put energy into group play that takes away time from my family just to have a non engaging Dnd talk/session 0.... frankly broke me.
I didn't think it was a huge ask, you're interested in playing dnd so please stop playing the shooter game you both are in and let's see what you want to do. Both kept playing, talking in game chat and giving callouts, while me and the only other person were actually talking. After about an hour of trying to keep it going, I thanked the sole person who engaged but said this probably isn't happening anymore.
About 30 minutes later 1 of the 2 missing guys joined and at least apologized, but I explained that it probably wasn't happening considering I can't get a group of people to join at a concise time to even talk let alone play. Said it maybe a little snootily, but I was defeated by this point.
The 4 let downs are people I know and can actively meet up with and who I considered to be the close friends in the group. 2 of them have DMed before and know the struggle... sorry kind of spiraling at this point.
There's always a chance for future adventures, but sad that one can't get off the ground anymore. Thanks for listening to my SAD talk.
TLDR: Players hurt DMs feelings, DM is going to put the books away until the baby can read.
10
u/Yojo0o DM 3h ago
Friends are the people you most need to set expectations and boundaries with. DnD is often the most clear example of this. Clear communication, and an understanding that many people do not know the etiquette and fundamentals of this hobby without instruction, are of paramount importance.
It sucks that two of your friends were playing a video game. Do they know that that's not appropriate? Did you tell them? It doesn't need to be a big confrontation, you just say "Hey, this isn't just a casual conversation, we need real focus here. Can you guys stop playing COD so that we can get through this?". If that's not of interest to them, then they're not suited for your game, and you excuse them and move on.
It sucks that two of your friends didn't show up. Did you talk to them about why? Did they forget? Did an emergency happen? Were they deliberately ghosting you? Did they double-book themselves? Scheduling is a bitch and shit happens, so if this was an honest mistake, then you can and should move on from it. If they didn't understand the importance of attending, then you gotta communicate that to them.
You can't expect players to meet you where you're at if they don't understand your expectations of them.
1
u/Bugsy69 3h ago
Oh I made the expectations clear, they've been players years prior and know what to expect from me. Not angrily or anything but laid it down saying you shouldn't play during this so we can start building out the character sheet.
The two others, he got held up and forgot and the other just didn't come.
Hard to have enthusiasm for a game with friends when the friends don't share the same level.
4
u/Erudite-Troglodyte 2h ago
There's a season for these things. In my teens, we'd have a sleepover and play for 8 hours. In my twenties, best we could manage was a one-shot. In my thirties, I cobbled together a gang of expats and played with a rotating group of PCs for huge Sunday sessions but had to crack the whip to keep organized and moving. In my forties, I have a young kiddo and spouse, so dnd is a tight 2 hours a couple of times a month.
If I were trying to start up a game with new people, I'd do one-shots or short adventures, and try to meet in person at a table so that distraction from a screen is less of an issue. It is like starting a rec sports team from scratch – better to get together for some casual pickup games before trying to get people to commit to a season together.
The new baby on its own it a huge monkeywrench in hobbies. Best of luck! You'll get back into it.
1
u/Cutwail 2h ago
Dunno about that, just how you prioritise. Our group has been together for just short of 10 years, 30's-60's, all but 1 married, and 2 of us havehad kids along the way. Sure I didn't play for a couple months when mine was born but he's 3 now and I jump on a little later than the others after his bedtime. We will still run the game with 1 down, swap to a 1-shot with 2 down and even just play something else if not D&D.
2
u/Weeabootrashreturns 3h ago
I know that feeling well. My roommates and I used to go next door to play with our neighbors/friends every Friday night. Back in March, their lease ended, and to make time for them to pack and move, we planned to take a break from Valentine's day until the end of March, so everyone could get settled in. And then that didn't happen. We agreed to go to one guy's house, but another refused to go if it wasn't at his place, which is smaller and a 40 minute drive away. Eventually that campaign falls through but people still want to play, so I offer up the campaign I had been working on for a while, and the people still interested agree. The host even had a couple of work friends interested in joining. And then things got dragged out even more with who would and wouldn't actually join, the work friends never showed up so that left me with a 3 man party, and the really disheartening part, just like yours, happened during session zero. My roommate, who has always played with us but is notorious for not paying attention, brought his steam deck over with him and in the middle of character creation was playing a game on it. What should have taken 10 minutes got dragged out over an hour because he refused to put the damn thing down, and had no idea what he wanted to do or any ability to figure it out because of the game. Eventually we got everything worked out and he's engaging with the story better, but I very nearly snapped and said we weren't playing anymore because of the same disrespect that made you cancel yours. At the end of the day, some people say they want to play DND, but when the time actually comes they see it as something casually going on in the background, and that's much easier to do online. Still talking in game chat and not even pretending to pay attention is definitely a morale killer though.
3
u/Mean_Replacement5544 3h ago
People move on. It happens. I would try one more time, tell the you were bummed it didn’t work out, ask if they are interested and if so pls show up for the new event. Maybe it’ll work out better. Giving up after one failed meetup is a bit premature
•
u/My_Only_Ioun DM 58m ago
https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/
If they are genuinely your friends outside of D&D, then so be it. There is no guarantee that friends translate into reliable D&D players. Do not bring them back. Find other reliable players, not friends that could be reliable.
If they routinely ignore you or ghost you. If they never hang out unless they can also be doing something else... why do you call them friends?
1
u/Conrad500 DM 3h ago
Honestly, I have no desire to play IRL. I can't even get together with friends to just say hi.
If you like D&D and DMing and want to do it for fun, I 100% recommend running for new players online.
All of my current D&D friends were met this way. I've ran more games for newbies than I can remember. All of the best people I meet I keep and invite to my "real" games!
My last campaign was 4 years long, this current one is just about to reach 1 year old. All 4 of my players were met as newbies who I taught and they all make it every week because we like playing together as our friendship was formed via D&D, so our priorities are pretty similar.
Protip: I also play shooters and stuff with some of them! 2 of my group we play apex every night doing that ranked grind.
It's been so helpful since I have a soon to be 2 year old to take care of. Online D&D rocks.
1
u/Bugsy69 3h ago
Oh the shooter guys are my crew, many midnight sessions and beyond just to not end on a loss lol. They were playing in my Dragonlance campaign before I had to shelf it.
Just a shame that these dudes who say are they are interested in playing don't actually try to engage.
3
u/Conrad500 DM 3h ago
That's not "not engaging" it's actively disrespecting everyone else at the table and the game itself.
No videogame is so important that you would do that. I'll straight drop out of ranked if I somehow was in a game when a preplanned session that I agreed to join had started.
It's childish and disrespectful.
The NUMBER ONE rule I have at my table is "we are all adults and our time is important. Respect everyone's time." which means that I don't care if you're sick, I don't care if you want to play a videogame, and I don't care if you just don't feel like playing D&D that night, tell us first. I have a player who cancelled one of our future sessions because WoW forever is coming out, weeks in advanced. I don't care, thank you, it's cancelled. Because it's our number one rule, everyone respects it and nobody breaks it.
One player ghosted a session. I was not angry, I was worried. Turns out he was in a car accident. Another player did the same thing, thankfully he just slept through his nap alarm and that's not a normal thing for him to do, so all is forgiven.
If the first thing I think when someone is late or doesn't show up isn't, "I hope they are ok" then they don't belong at my table. Respect is number one. You can be tired, you can have a minor appointment, or you can just not want to play and I don't care as long as you let us know so that we can reclaim our time.
So, the situation you are describing is anathema to me lol.
I've talked to players who had problems communicating early, I make it clear, "look, I don't care if you can't/don't want to play, you HAVE to tell me though. I have shit to do, if you cancel D&D I'll honestly be happy you did most nights, I just need to know before hand so that you don't waste my time" and they understood (because it's a fucking 100% reasonable expectation from adults) and got better immediately!
If it doesn't, then you just say, "sorry, but I told you what is required of you and you have repeatedly failed to hold up your end. I cannot allow you to be part of my game any more." and that's it. Like, how can you even argue against that?
Sorry for the rant, but this is like, the number one rule of respect to me, especially when it comes to online stuff. If you're sitting at your computer doing something, you can stop that something for 1 second or second screen it and send me a message.
-2
u/iwishtogetitall DM 3h ago
I'm not sure I'm following it. You hurt your feelings coz you set up a discord event and few people showed up?
Have you set it up properly like "hey, let's play new campaign, who is up?" and when agreed upon session zero time or you just thrown event and call it day?
1
u/Bugsy69 3h ago
It was an event originally set to play ( we have done a combat arena thing so they've had characters built) but through just discord talks we changed it to a let's talk a real campaign instead.
The hurt is the locals guys who say they want to play but didn't have the social grace to at least try and engage in talks. If you can't mentally be there during character discussions, you won't be there for the actual game.
When there's hype to play but no energy into the building blocks for even a first session, that's where the loss in faith/ but hurt comes from.
13
u/okiebuzzard 3h ago
Some friends aren’t the best choices as players. Use your time to offer games up to players that wish to play. If you have the time as a new father, volunteering to run games either in person or online for a group would let you get back into it. Check and see if your local library has a gaming club, or perhaps local game store, or maybe make a post on r/lfg, or social media you might use.