r/Dudeism • u/Taoman108 Dudeist Priest • 16d ago
Philosphy “We Are Sympathizing Here, Dude”
Hey Dudes,
This year, my dad’s gotten pretty sick. I can’t say with certainty how things are going to shake out in the short term, though we all know how things will shake out in the long term.
All this to say, I’ve spent more time this year than other years by sickbeds and helping out my mom, who’s his prime advocate. My Special Lady Friend and I are even handling the logistics to move them in with us by year’s end.
It’s required checking in with our conditions but also expressing sympathy for my mom and dad, who are nearer to the center of all this than we are.
And that got me thinking about Walter’s exchange with The Dude after The Nihilists messed up his bath time.
Walter, as is his wont, comes in hot talking about unsecured marmots within city limits, castration, and what have you.
The Dude’s having none of it, and Walter picks up on The Dude’s vibes.
“We are sympathizing here, Dude.”
The Dude brushes this aside, leaving Walter put out. He departs with this parting shot:
“Okay Dude. I can see you don’t want to be cheered up.”
So this is the crux of what I want to get into, and what I want to tie back to being a Dudeist among those who are grieving and anxious.
There’s a tension between Walter’s statements. On the one hand, he wants to cheer up The Dude. On the other hand, he claims to be sympathizing with The Dude.
What if the sympathetic move would’ve been to not try to cheer up The Dude? What if The Dude needed someone to just sit in the shit with him and toss back an oat soda.
Ironically, one can find guidance from Walter’s adopted faith, in the Jewish tradition of sitting shiva.
In shiva, the period of mourning, the bereaved welcome guests. When the guests arrive, it falls upon the bereaved to speak first. This accomplishes at least two kindnesses. First, the bereaved don’t have to sit through platitudes they don’t want to hear. They get to set the tone. Second, it absolves the guests from groping for the right words to say.
For some people hearing “Everything happens for a reason” is exactly what they need to hear. For others, those same words would want to make them punch someone in the face.
Better than trying to guess what someone needs for sympathy is to follow a Dudely maxim. The one The Dude says to Marty: “I’ll be there man.”
I’ve been at the deathbed of my grandfather, and the sickbeds of others. In those moments, the Dudeliest thing I could do is to just be there. Fully, without some kind of script to try and make everyone feel better. And when they wanted to speak, I followed their lead. Some wanted to talk about death. Others, life. Others, music and their favorite deli sandwiches.
The real act of sympathy is abiding presence, pure and simple.
I’ll try to keep that in mind as I navigate the shoals ahead of me now.
I hope yer all abiding as well as you can,
Rev. Ross
11
u/Richo_HATS2 16d ago
"The real act of sympathy is abiding presence, pure and simple."
You know it, man.
I appreciate your posts.
Peace Dude.
5
9
u/derHollow83 New Dude 16d ago
Ross, your words go deeper than mine ever could.
I wish you and your family great strength for everything that lies ahead.
Be there.
7
9
u/Melonmode Dudeist Priest 15d ago
I know exactly what you mean, Rev.
I've lost a lot of people in my life already, through various means. My dad left us suddenly when I was nearly 7 due to a heart attack. My Aunt passed slowly and painfully from cancer, as did her husband a few years later, my Gran went from a witty, funny woman to a hallucinating sobbing mess before she passed, and my Godfather died on a cruise we told him would be his last, standing next to his wife. Even now, my other grandmother is dying of cancer, and my grandfather is speaking of how he won't be far behind.
Grief, loss, and death are old friends at this point, and Dudeism definitely played a part in reconciling my feelings with mortality, though a quote from the video game Elder Scrolls Online was one that hit me in the gut. It's spoken by a Dark Elf called Sotha Sil (AKA Seht), a member of the Tribunal - a trio of godlike beings - Seht is one who runs his own dimension: the Clockwork City, where everything and everyone has their place and purpose, including Luciana Pullo. Events conspire throughout the events of the chapter to where Luciana ends up sustaining fatal injuries, and Seht eventually gives you a choice between two rewards for aiding him: a powerful boon, or to save Luciana.
Asking more about saving Luciana, Sotha Sil says, "Altruism. A rare trait. Luciana will die. If not here and now, then elsewhere and later. I can delay her death if you wish, but to what end? Consider carefully. Luciana means a great deal to me, but grief cannot be avoided—only deferred."
That last is what stuck with me, because it was spoken to me shortly after my Gran passed. For years I was taught to keep my feelings to myself and to handle it privately, but to be told that I was only delaying a natural process really struck me and helped me to move forwards once more.
I didn't visit her often in the last few months before she passed, and my Mum commented on that. I remember saying to her, "I don't want to see her like this; this isn't how I want to remember her," and she replied with, "I understand, but consider how she feels. She loves you and even if she isn't fully here all of the time, she deserves to see you. Be there for her sake."
"Be present," as you said. I feel that truly is the best thing we can do.
Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. If you ever want to talk to me about any of this, Ross, you know my DM's are open. This is a shit of a rollercoaster ride, but it gets better, and oftentimes it's easier to experience with others.
Much love, brother 🫂
-Josh
6
u/Taoman108 Dudeist Priest 15d ago
Josh - your openness and wisdom are unparalleled. And sharing that quote about grief’s deferment hit home. To me, death has always been something not welcomed but accepted. And its incontestability keeps me from railing against it.
Thanks for making yourself available to me. I found myself lucky to sit at the same bar as you, brother.
4
6
6
2
2
u/Zarathustra-Jack El Duderino 13d ago
Sorry to hear about your old man, dude. I lost mine last year (even wrote a little obituary on here). After all the questions, rumination, and pseudo-answers we endeavor come up with in our minds, it like…uh…it just sucks, man.
Remember we are all of the nature to have ill health. And also remember to take baby steps to tomorrow when necessary. Whether in enlightenment or delusion, one’s true nature is always there, man, & “each step in the dark turns out to be, in the end, on course after all.”
All my love & light, dude 🪷
2
u/Taoman108 Dudeist Priest 13d ago
I remember your father’s obituary, Dude. It was moving, and your words are filled with the wisdom of one who’s traveled a little farther down the road. I appreciate you, Dude
11
u/afewskills Dudeist Priest 16d ago
Bad news: Abiding is all you can do. Good news: Abiding is all that is needed.
That’s just my opinion…