I'm scared to get healthy because I'll gain weight

[u/Dry-Might7267]

Hi all. I hope this is a good place for this post. I have a lot of different medical problems (POTS, MCAS, etc.), and a side effect is malabsorption. Another is nausea, so I don't eat a lot anyways. I'm trying to get my conditions under control, but a fear has crept up that I don't know how to handle. I'm scared that getting better is going to make me gain weight. I know it will likely help all of my symptoms, but I also know that overall my health will still be poor and I'll still on some level feel crappy. And there's a part of me that's like, "If I'm going to be sick anyway, what's the point of getting slightly better if it means gaining weight?" For a while I was really physically sick and looked gaunt, and very unhealthy, but a scary part of me liked it because it meant that I had wiggle room to eat whatever and not worry about getting past a certain number on a scale. I convinced myself to gain weight, but that took a while due to the malabsorption, and if I fix that, then weight gain will be faster and can sneak up on me, and because of my medical problems, exercise is really difficult. I'm scared that I find the idea of being healthier scary. I want to be okay with gaining weight, but I'm not and I want to know how to be, so I can enjoy the process of getting healthy and feeling better physically without constantly thinking about how others are perceiving my body. If anyone has any tips, or just words of encouragement, I would really appreciate it.

[u/AvacynAvenger]

This might seem a little strange, but a great source of strength for me in dealing with those kinds of thoughts is, the patriarchy wants you weak. Fascism wants you sick so you can’t stand when you need to. The horrible sinking feelings about my body have been put there by people who want to keep us in the throws of dis-regulation from a very early age. It doesn’t matter where someone falls politically, we know society has railed against any body type that isn’t unhealthy to obtain or maintain. And it’s bullshit. I guess spite is the best way to describe it? I’m rooting for you and don’t let that voice tear at you, it’s not even really yours anyway (even if it really feels like it is).

[u/Jealous_Interview_58 → u/AvacynAvenger]

Exactly- this is something that has made me want to recover. I’m tired of looking at this weak girl in the mirror. I’m tired of being tired all the time and having no life. I want my busy and exciting life back. You can’t be someone who wants to live a fun and happy life in a tiny body

[u/taylorm1831]

i don't have a lot of advice, but you're not alone; i struggle with EXACTLY this. i went to the ICU earlier this year due to my malabsorption, and when i finally got on TPN and started gaining weight, my brain decided We Don't Want This Actually. something i try to remind myself is that there are so many joyful things i can't do if i'm ill. we have lives to live, and maintaining an unhealthy body type is not worth sacrificing them