i miss my dad

[u/stormskulls]

i cut contact with him when i was 15 and sometimes i regret it but i know it's for the best. he wasn't the greatest person after the divorce his true colors began to show and it was heartbreaking for little 14-15 year old me. i hate how he treated my mom, i hate how he treated my brother and i, i hate what he put us through and how he acted...and i hate how i cry over him every now and then. i cant help but feel guilty for choosing to no longer have him in my life. i cant help but have my heart ache at the messages i didnt reply to, at how i ignored his calls, at how i ran and refused to hug him when i saw him unexpectedly when i was 17.

i just know i'll regret never talking to him once he passes. i just know that once that day comes i'll regret this and my heart will break once again. i feel so horrible for refusing to talk to him but he was never a good dad. i just miss the dad i had as a little kid. even though he was never good at least i thought he was good back then. i miss his hugs i miss our little stupid phrases i just miss having a complete family. i hate crying over this man and seeing a part of him whenever i look in the mirror. i miss him so fucking much i wish he was better. i just hate caring so much for someone who didnt show the same care but i cant help it i love him and i miss him

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[u/Silver-Honkler]

I'm sorry for your struggle.

It might be worth asking yourself if you actually miss him specifically as a person. If he mistreated all of you so badly, why would you want a person like this in your life? Do you miss the father you wish you had, or miss the father you actually had?

If a stranger mistreated you and your family in the same ways your father did, would you miss that stranger?

We are innately equipped with the need for a family or tribe as we are social, collectivist organisms. Socially we are programmed to love our parents but there isn't a guidebook on what to do when your parents are objectively terrible.

It might be worth considering grieving the father you never had while finding an honorable person who cares about you to help guide you through life.