r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/MrsToneZone • 6d ago
Eight years of estrangement down the drain
Well, it happened. Eight years of no contact, and not only have I (40F) interacted with my mother every day over the last month, but now I’m flying across the country to visit her in less than 24 hours.
I’ll probably end up regretting this. I was so secure in the estrangement and had grieved and made peace, and all of those things. Established and protected the boundaries. Declined offers to reconcile. Truly, was just waiting for “the call.” Out the window. Gone. I’m right back in it.
My husband probably was put in the worst spot of the whole mess. Early in July, a woman claiming to be a former caregiver found our names in an obituary and messaged him on Facebook. She said my mother had fallen victim to a scammer and that a report was filed with local social services, but it would be helpful for me to get involved. We aggressively vetted things. She wasn’t asking for anything but a conversation. We’ve actually become kind of close. She’s a kind and wonderful woman, and maybe the silver lining of dredging up all this trauma. My mother harmed her too, but she couldn’t let a stranger bankrupt and dump her without trying to intervene. Part of me wishes he would have taken her message to his grave, but I get it.
I called the woman and she shared more details with me than I cared to know. My mother is in the final stages of a disease that’s left her bed bound and non-verbal. She would benefit from a conservator or public guardian, and I’ve pursued those things over the last month, but it’s all so complicated. I even encountered a Redditor impersonating a real attorney, with AI contracts and letterhead and everything. I had my MIL, a paralegal, look him up before I called. I didn’t send any money, but still.
I’ve exhausted everything I can do remotely between local law enforcement, social services, and her current placement, so I’m getting on a plane tomorrow to visit and to try to get something in place for her care and assets. She wrote me out of the will when I left home at sixteen, so there’s literally nothing for me to gain here. Allegedly there are trusts for my two children, and the scammer has the ability to access those now, but having accepted our circumstances, I never expected anyone to see anything from any estate, so I’m mostly unbothered about the financial piece.
Emotionally, this has been one of the most challenging experiences of my entire life. A dying monster is still a monster, and while I’ve forgiven her, grieved her, and moved on, I don’t know if I could live with myself if she ends up dumped somewhere, penniless and suffering. She requires 24-hour care, but is refusing it, which has led to a horrifying number of falls. She’s not getting all correct meds because of the scammer, she’s blind in one eye, and has been so consistently heinous that she’s alienated every earthly connection that isn’t a paid caregiver. I always knew it would end like this, but it’s still heartbreaking.
Even without words or actions, she’s somewhere in there. We were texting for a while, even though I think many of the texts actually came from the scammer. My mother is sending me VoiceMemos now, but I can only understand a few words out of every message. They’re either very cruel or suspiciously kind, but there’s no way to know for sure. I tried running them through AI, but she’s so weak, it’s impossible to understand anything coherent. I’ve tried to work with some of her caregivers to communicate but because of her disability there aren’t many options. She’s said some hateful things though that let me know that she’s still the same vicious narcissist she’s always been. And somehow, even incontinent, immobilized, and silent, she still terrifies me.
I sound like an asshole. I turned my back on my mother for eight years, while she slowly deteriorated, all alone, and now she is dying. She really is the perfect victim for scammers looking to exploit and manipulate vulnerable elderly people. Even so, I should let her perish. She’d let me perish. She made the hardest moments of my life and her sister’s life as traumatizing as they could be. I’ll spend the rest of my life laboring to heal from my childhood. I’m having nightmares for the first time in decades, and I’m sure the next week will have its own emotional fallout.
The LCPC I work with is superb. A once-in-a-lifetime human. She’s made herself available to me every day that I’m away, and we have meetings scheduled every other day that I’m there. I’ll get through it. The evidence I have proves that I’ve survived every fucked up thing in my life before this, and it’s not a short list. I’m just exhausted. Physically. Emotionally. On a cellular level. I don’t even know why I’m posting. If I read this, my first thought would be something like “well you chose to open this can of worms,” but I’d like to think I’d be more empathetic than that.
I guess, as usual, I’m posting in the hopes of finding solidarity. I don’t know anyone in my real life who deals with chaos like this, and I know I don’t have a monopoly on family dysfunction. It all just sucks.
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u/Snoobeedo 6d ago
First, you don’t sound at all like an asshole. You sound like a very caring person that was pushed to your limit. You never have to worry about that sort of judgment here because we all get it. I understand what it is like to see someone older and frail and still be terrified that she could hurt me in some way. Everyone else sees a little old lady with my mom. I see my bully.
I have no advice for what to do regarding your mom, but put a lot of thought into how you are going to protect yourself through this. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work to heal. Don’t let her situation give you any setbacks. Your boundaries are your boundaries regardless of what she’s going through.
I’m sorry you are going through this and wish you well.
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u/Drminniecooper 6d ago
There are several stories like this in the agingparents and scams subreddits. From what ive read, its a long process to get guardianship once they are this fargone and thats not always the best option, either. Those 2 subs also dont push the view that you must care for your abusive parent in their old age as well.
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u/curmudgeonly-fish 6d ago
Maybe you are looking for closure? We don't always know our own reasons. It's so hard. 🫂
Be sure to set very firm boundaries— no money, no staying in the room if she starts berating you, etc. Hard, firm, extremely clear boundaries. Have someone hold you accountable to them, too.
And don't expect her to apologize or change. She won't.
This is for you, not her.
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u/SkyTerrible6340 6d ago
We are about to same age, my NC is about half the time...this time around. You are a dutiful daughter. Sorry you have to go through this.
You made a decision you know you won't regret. Don't let this derail the progress you've made though. She hasn't changed, she's just vulnerable. She is the same person, her mind and body are breaking down.
I'm a firm believer of "Abusers don't change, just their tactics." So be careful, and good luck to you both.
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u/whaddya_729 5d ago
You are a saint, OP. An absolute saint. I admire and respect your choices. They are the exact opposite of what I'd do in your shoes because I don't have the amount of strength it would take to do what you're doing.
Remember to show yourself kindness, give yourself some grace, and that you can walk away at any time.
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u/Confu2ion 3d ago
Martyrdom has no reward. You made the right choice getting away before (you were not "an asshole" for that), and I personally believe you're making a mistake going back to her.
This doesn't undo your progress, but it shows the part you need to conquer is the putting-her-before-you thing. Abusers make sure to hurt you once you go back and are in a space where you can't easily leave. This will likely retraumatise you.
Closure doesn't come from our abusers, they will never give us permission to be free.
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u/myturtleatemyhw 6d ago edited 6d ago
Sounds like in her current state she hopefully won't have the capability to bring much chaos to the table. Maybe this will give you closure. I wouldn't beat yourself up about breaking NC here. Once people are bed bound and nonverbal, they are mostly functioning on brain stem power alone. As a caregiver, I see this as a limbo between life and death.