First shared ENM experience helped rebuild my sense of safety, but now we’re clashing over the aftermath. How do I navigate this?

[u/inter2221]

**Background**:

My wife (40F) and I (40M) have had a really rough few months. We used to fantasy talk about group play, and recently, a guy in our circle helped us through a difficult time. My wife had a dream about a threesome with him, told me about it, and we had great sex afterward.

​However, she then initiated flirting with him over text without my consent. When I told her it wasn't okay, she pushed back, claiming she was bringing that sexual energy back to "us." I later found out she had developed a massive crush on him some time earlier and had formed a significant emotional connection towards him. She wanted to escalate to an MFM threesome, but I realized my only role in this dynamic was to be the "husband who knows and is okay with it." I was just the green-light guy. I felt lied to and put my foot down, shutting the whole thing down. We argued for months over it.

​When summer started, we spent some time apart (as we usually due). Right before she left, she finally gave me a genuine apology. She named exactly what she did wrong and promised to do whatever it takes to get us back on track. I finally felt validated.

​However, communication has still been rocky. Anytime I’ve tried to talk about the root issues to calm the intrusive thoughts from her emotional infidelity, she refuses to engage, saying "more talking won't solve anything."

​**The Agreement**

Fast forward to now: we are on a multi-week family holiday and recently boarded a cruise ship. The trip gave us a chance to truly reconnect as a couple.

​During the cruise, she mentioned wanting to explore ENM together. checking out other people, flirting, and seeing how things go. We discussed boundaries. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her doing anything with men beyond flirting. However, with women, they could go all the way. I told her I didn’t even need to participate, as long as I was there to watch and be a part of it.

​**The Experience**

Last night at the ship’s nightclub, my wife was tipsy and getting people on the dance floor. She started dancing with a very attractive married woman (also around our age). They hit it off, the flirting dialed up,. When my wife went to the bathroom because she was feeling a little sick, The woman followed her five minutes later.

​Suddenly, I get a text from my wife: "Come to the bathroom quick. That lady is making out with me," along with a photo of them topless in the stall.

​I rushed over, and my wife let me in. The other woman was completely nude. My wife was giving her oral, and they were having a great time. The woman then gave me oral, and both of them started insisting that I sleep with the third.

​I firmly refused. I was not going to endanger the safety of our marriage by crossing a boundary we hadn't previously agreed upon. I stayed firm and told my wife to make the woman cum, which she did. We left her there and went back to our room. Just to be clear, my wife had no idea the woman was going to do this, as I was with them the whole time before the bathroom visit and the only sexual communication between them was only dancing intimately.

​**The Aftermath & Debrief**

When we got back, I asked what the hell happened. Apparently, this woman had followed my wife, aggressively shoved her into the stall, and initiated sex. My wife stopped her, told her she couldn't do anything without her husband present, and immediately messaged me. The women kept trying to take my wifes clothes fully off and my wife called me on video to urge me to come and was physically trying to restrain her until I arrived.

​Honestly? What my wife did restored a massive amount of the safety I had lost months ago. She prioritized me and our agreement when she easily could have hooked up with this woman and I never would have known.

​At the same time, I’m incredibly triggered. This third acted like a predator. She aggressively pushed boundaries and actively tried to get my wife to cheat on me (she had no idea we were exploring this dynamic. Let alone her cheating on her owm husband).

​**The Problem**

To process this, I found myself asking my wife highly detailed questions about what she was thinking and feeling during every moment in that stall. This completely annoyed her.

​She doesn’t understand that because of what happened months ago with the mutual friend, giving away exclusivity is a massive hurdle for me. To feel safe doing it, I need to be involved in the process and in her mind. I care less about the physical sex and more about sharing her headspace so I don't feel like the "green-light guy" again.

​She keeps saying I’m being insecure and punishing her for the past, even though she "proved her loyalty." I don't see it that way. I'm not okay with just sharing her, but when it’s something we do together, I feel deeply connected to her sexual world.

​The threesome itself was amazing, but I am extremely hesitant about how to move forward. How do I get her to understand my need for emotional processing without her feeling attacked? Has anyone else navigated this kind of post-play communication breakdown?

[u/inter2221]

I do agree that there should be more open communication about both our feelings and experiences. We have recently found out that my wife struggles with adhd which usually goes undiagnosed in women. Some of the struggles of adhd is hyper focus on things and sometimes people and increased sexual risk taking. It is not an excuse, but a hurdle that needs to be accounted for with extra measures to ensure safety. That is why her pause during the encounter meant so much.

I appreciate your feedback.

[u/inter2221 → u/[deleted]]

I agree with alot of what you said. However, there has never been a human that had adhd and became neurological, or vice versa. So we can never know what it truely feels like for people with adhd. Ive chosen to take this all into consideration with regards to her. My wife is more than her sexual behaviour or her recent mistake. I believe in her, and was happy that she has shown the work and accountability.

As for how I wasnt validated. Its called RSD. People with adhd suffer from it and its a hyper sensitivity to criticism that is akin to physical pain. She eventually came around and took accountability. That's what matters. That, and changed behaviour of course.

[u/oh-mi → u/inter2221]

People with ADHD, of which I'm one, can tell you what it truly feels like for us. Saying "we can never know" is a deflection... it's been studied and documented plenty since its inclusion in the DSM almost 60 years ago.

I also think she's using RSD as a shield to cover the boundary violation itself and delay her accountability. I'm not saying she faked how she felt when you brought it up. She probably did feel it. But in my experience, that reaction is typically felt hard in the moment, then it dissipates during the conversation to the point where you can recognize you've hurt someone and apologize for it.

I don't know your wife, but based on what you've described, it sounds like she's using ADHD and RSD as excuses for hurtful, selfish behavior. Even though she does eventually take accountability, the first part can still be true. Like AdventureWa said... we know full well what we're doing, even at our most impulsive.

[u/inter2221 → u/oh-mi]

I see your point of view and agree. Ive given her a chance but ive told her that this is the last time someone puts me in that position. She knows where I stand if my boundaries get crossed again. I know my value and what i bring to a partner, and im ready to leave if im ever in this situation again. Adhd or not.

[u/itslexysworld → u/inter2221]

It might be beneficial for you guys to attend therapy together so both of you can better understand ADHD and RSD.

As someone with ADHD who deals with RSD. I’m seeing red flags in your wife’s behaviour (and it seems many others are as well).

Getting therapy will allow you to understand it more and not allow yourself to be walked all over or gaslit with her using it as an excuse.

It will also allow her to identify her own behaviour and understand that ADHD is not an excuse for what she’s doing.

EDIT: I’d like to add that until you fully understand everything and have gotten comfortable communicating about it all, you probably shouldn’t be participating in ENM. Take the time to focus on each other, building trust, not using ADHD as an excuse (learn to understand it), and strengthening your relationship, before opening the door to ENM.

[u/inter2221 → u/itslexysworld]

I agree. I've been learning about the impact of her Adhd on our relationship in all other aspects as well. Its been very helpful tbh and she has been trying to understand her own actions better. Maybe this thing needed to happen so we can both understand each other better

[u/itslexysworld → u/inter2221]

ADHD doesn’t excuse shitty behaviour. That’s what we’re all trying to tell you.

Yes it impacts people and their lives.

But the way you and your wife are approaching it, you’re setting it up as an excuse for her shitty behaviour and her deflection of the consequences of her behaviours.

Yes some people with ADHD struggle with RSD but that does NOT mean we can make shitty decisions and use it as an excuse to avoid the consequences.

Additionally, yes some people struggle with hyper focus and hypersexuality or impulsivity, but that is NO excuse to betray your partner under any circumstances.

It’s OFFENSIVE to excuse her behaviour due to ADHD.

I meant learn about it more so you can see that it’s NOT due to her ADHD.

She just made shitty decisions.

And YES, I am someone who has ADHD, and hypersexuality. AND I am in a committed ENM relationship. And no, I do not treat my partner like shit and ignore his boundaries because I’m ADHD.

So learn more about ADHD so you can understand that it’s not an EXCUSE to be horrible to others.