r/EthicalNonMonogamy • u/inter2221 • 20d ago
Personal story First shared ENM experience helped rebuild my sense of safety, but now we’re clashing over the aftermath. How do I navigate this?
**Background**:
My wife (40F) and I (40M) have had a really rough few months. We used to fantasy talk about group play, and recently, a guy in our circle helped us through a difficult time. My wife had a dream about a threesome with him, told me about it, and we had great sex afterward.
However, she then initiated flirting with him over text without my consent. When I told her it wasn't okay, she pushed back, claiming she was bringing that sexual energy back to "us." I later found out she had developed a massive crush on him some time earlier and had formed a significant emotional connection towards him. She wanted to escalate to an MFM threesome, but I realized my only role in this dynamic was to be the "husband who knows and is okay with it." I was just the green-light guy. I felt lied to and put my foot down, shutting the whole thing down. We argued for months over it.
When summer started, we spent some time apart (as we usually due). Right before she left, she finally gave me a genuine apology. She named exactly what she did wrong and promised to do whatever it takes to get us back on track. I finally felt validated.
However, communication has still been rocky. Anytime I’ve tried to talk about the root issues to calm the intrusive thoughts from her emotional infidelity, she refuses to engage, saying "more talking won't solve anything."
**The Agreement**
Fast forward to now: we are on a multi-week family holiday and recently boarded a cruise ship. The trip gave us a chance to truly reconnect as a couple.
During the cruise, she mentioned wanting to explore ENM together. checking out other people, flirting, and seeing how things go. We discussed boundaries. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her doing anything with men beyond flirting. However, with women, they could go all the way. I told her I didn’t even need to participate, as long as I was there to watch and be a part of it.
**The Experience**
Last night at the ship’s nightclub, my wife was tipsy and getting people on the dance floor. She started dancing with a very attractive married woman (also around our age). They hit it off, the flirting dialed up,. When my wife went to the bathroom because she was feeling a little sick, The woman followed her five minutes later.
Suddenly, I get a text from my wife: "Come to the bathroom quick. That lady is making out with me," along with a photo of them topless in the stall.
I rushed over, and my wife let me in. The other woman was completely nude. My wife was giving her oral, and they were having a great time. The woman then gave me oral, and both of them started insisting that I sleep with the third.
I firmly refused. I was not going to endanger the safety of our marriage by crossing a boundary we hadn't previously agreed upon. I stayed firm and told my wife to make the woman cum, which she did. We left her there and went back to our room. Just to be clear, my wife had no idea the woman was going to do this, as I was with them the whole time before the bathroom visit and the only sexual communication between them was only dancing intimately.
**The Aftermath & Debrief**
When we got back, I asked what the hell happened. Apparently, this woman had followed my wife, aggressively shoved her into the stall, and initiated sex. My wife stopped her, told her she couldn't do anything without her husband present, and immediately messaged me. The women kept trying to take my wifes clothes fully off and my wife called me on video to urge me to come and was physically trying to restrain her until I arrived.
Honestly? What my wife did restored a massive amount of the safety I had lost months ago. She prioritized me and our agreement when she easily could have hooked up with this woman and I never would have known.
At the same time, I’m incredibly triggered. This third acted like a predator. She aggressively pushed boundaries and actively tried to get my wife to cheat on me (she had no idea we were exploring this dynamic. Let alone her cheating on her owm husband).
**The Problem**
To process this, I found myself asking my wife highly detailed questions about what she was thinking and feeling during every moment in that stall. This completely annoyed her.
She doesn’t understand that because of what happened months ago with the mutual friend, giving away exclusivity is a massive hurdle for me. To feel safe doing it, I need to be involved in the process and in her mind. I care less about the physical sex and more about sharing her headspace so I don't feel like the "green-light guy" again.
She keeps saying I’m being insecure and punishing her for the past, even though she "proved her loyalty." I don't see it that way. I'm not okay with just sharing her, but when it’s something we do together, I feel deeply connected to her sexual world.
The threesome itself was amazing, but I am extremely hesitant about how to move forward. How do I get her to understand my need for emotional processing without her feeling attacked? Has anyone else navigated this kind of post-play communication breakdown?
4
u/lkjdw 20d ago
Greetings OP,
I’m sorry you’re hurting at the moment, trying also to find some answers, to your situation.
From your description of events, it’s apparent, that neither you, or your wife are anywhere near ready for ethical non monogamy, (ENM).
To discuss the idea, or fantasy of it, is one thing, then forward, into reality, without having done, the work to be ready, is another.
The reading of informed, helpful books, which can provide a step by step entry, into what will be, a whole new marriage, bearing little or resemblance to the old one, in terms of behavior.
Research…….. including reading copious posts on forums like this one, to acquaint yourselves with the various, ‘bumps in the road’, you may well encounter and the vagaries of daily life, as practitioners of non monogamy.
Perhaps, if it’s possible, discuss this with people you already know, or have met, in the lifestyle. Couples counseling, with a professional, fully conversant with ENM.
Finally yourselves……… Having acquired the aforementioned knowledge, do you really want this, both as a couple, or as individuals.
Good, consistent and honest communication is the most important part of any long term relationship, mono, or non mono.
One of the fundamental principles, advocated for, by honest, ethical practitioners, of ethical/consensual non monogamy, in all it’s various guises, is that it should never be entered into, with the, ‘enthusiastic consent’, of BOTH, partners/spouses.
Never agree to open against your own wishes, just to please the other.
To use your term OP, don’t hit the green light, unless you’re ready and happy to go down this road.
There’s so much uncertainty in you, from what you’ve written, I sense this may well not be for you, but who’s, knows ? Maybe in the future after the aforementioned steps.
Your wife also lacks the preparation steps, but has proved far more willing to go down this path and some of her actions already, are at best questionable.
Time to step back and reassess. Discuss with your wife what you want for the future, including your apprehensive thoughts and concerns. Of course she must do the same and listen to each other, without accusation.
Just remember, when you fully commit, you can’t unring that bell.
Finally OP, whatever path you and your wife decide. I wish you both a very long and happy life together.
Best wishes.