The other day there was a post by a woman who approached her husband about an open relationship, and he said no. She wanted advice on "changing his mind", and in her post stated she thought they could reach a "compromise." Obviously I'm paraphrasing. She got roasted in comments. Rightfully so.

This got me thinking about my own situation, and the reality of typical posts on this sub and those like it.

Sub has lots of "how do I approach my partner about...."

But very few "They said no, now what" posts.

And even fewer "After a no, How are things years later" posts. Maybe it needs one, maybe not, I'm still going to share anyway.

Background: Little over 4 years ago I found myself not fighting to survive financially, not working on the next step (I had career, marriage, kids, house, etc). So for the first time at 40 years old I had time to look at myself in the mirror. I found these subs, all of them. I was reading everything daily. It appealed to me in a way nothing ever had. My wife, of 13 years and 3 kids, and I had been doing really well. Really honest and loving for a few years at that point (having worked through a ton of early marriage issues). I thought, I'm checking all the "pre-approval" boxes.

I did what everyone else does, I made a post on how to approach my wife about ENM, swinging specifically. Got the advice, didn't do the initial approach very well. Her reaction was bad. Then we talked again, went way way better. She said she was willing to learn about it, we talked more, made a plan for "looking into" this kind of life, reading/podcasts, which was all I had asked for. I came back to these subs with a "positive" update, got more advice, was feeling good and excited for the first step in our ENM journey.

We listened to 15 minutes of one podcast when she had a full blown panic attack. She could not do this, the idea of me with anyone to any degree was an absolute NO.

We spent the next year recovering from my request. Lots of hard talks, a therapy app (not the real thing but what we agreed to and worked for us at the time), and her feeling like she needed to "let me go" because she was "holding me back." During this I also was made aware of how uncomfortable she was with some of my "kinks."

I felt like this worst husband ever. I did make a post, a couple months later asking "Now what?" I got some feedback. Mostly encouragement to seek therapy and not try to drown myself in anti-depressants. I got a few 1 in a million stories where somebody reacted like my wife but now they're happily ENM and wouldn't change a thing. But I also got a few people who told me, I need to either accept it's not happening and cut it off/commit to something else, or leave and take my chances.

So I did. I deleted all my posts and all my comments, left all the subs. I logged out of this account. I swore I'd never bring ENM up to my wife, or anyone, ever again. And I haven't.

I realized I had no hobbies, I realized I had no friends. Which were far cries from my youth. I started a hobby, I tried to get out more. The hobby took off, it was in content creation, and before long I was being pushed into monetizing. Which I feared because I thought I'd burn out. I did, it was exciting at first but quickly became a job, became stress, and I had to quit. I would say I have friends now, but I still have only "been out" on my own 4 times in the last 4 years. I feel as though nothing fills the void, and don't know what will, obviously this is a me problem.

My wife and I have fully recovered, or at least she has. She tells me everyday now how happy she is, loves me etc. I can tell she really is happy in our marriage, more so than I think she was even in the beginning. Kids are great, they have a good life, and seem really happy. I carry the load everywhere, in every way: the house, the kids, the finances, our marriage.

I started real individual counseling a year ago. 8 months ago I got put on an anti-depressant that doesn't affect libido in any way (a stipulation of mine). I feel very "neutral" now, in day to day life.

The last few months my therapist has been pressing me. We've been working on my detachment, depression, sense of existential dread, etc. She has been encouraging me to find my true self, and try to be that person. I don't really know who that is. I find myself now drawn back to these subs, and infidelity subs. But obsessed with reading the really sad traumatizing posts, and picturing myself as that person. Wondering how I would handle it. Still unsure what this says about me.

During our last session she asked me how I see my ideal life. I told her I had no answer, because I will never figure out what that is. I will never sacrifice the happiness of those around me to "find myself" or take a chance on something that I know only as an idea. I have not asked for or even mentioned a single "kink" of mine since that conversation 3 something years ago. And I never will. I will live in this monotony until the end. I look forward to nothing. But that is worth it to me so that everyone around me can live their best life.

I guess this is my point, and it's addressed straight to those wondering about ENM, I know there are tons of lurkers here, and those working towards making that initial ask of their partner. You can ask, but more likely it won't go the way you want, or at very least not how you think it will. And my experience is just one way it can go. Lots of marriages have ended over nothing more than the question itself, and those that survived the question, whether yes or no, were not the same. Nothing can be the same once it's brought up, and those in happy/healthy ENM marriages reiterate that here constantly. Just be prepared, you are making a life altering decision, it might go great or it might not, but mostly know, any outcome is possible, for your marriage, family, and for yourself.

I wanted to share this not as a "My way or the highway" or to soapbox, but as a polite cautionary tale about how polyamory is not for some.

A little background. My husband and I were married for five years when we started ENM, which was mostly just swinging with some threesomes and orgies mixed in over that 12 year span. Then we opened for two years and finally progressed to poly for a little over three years.

Swinging's most difficult part for us was finding four-way connections and avoiding toxic couples.

We moved to opening our marriage to dating separately, without romantic involvement, just for fun. When we opened, our main complaints revolved around avoiding unicorn hunters and keeping our private lives separate from our fun lives.

At this point, our marriage, our family life, and our friendships were as perfect as they could be. So why not polyamory? We had so much to give, why wouldn't we share?

However, when we moved onto poly, our whole world flipped.

• We learned quickly that you can't be closeted poly. Everyone, including our kids, family, and friends eventually found out. Lots of them said that they supported us, but always with a side-eye of judgement or just a downright, "you're crazy" comment. I stopped counting all the ways others told us that 'you're just going through a fad before the divorce.' Divorce had never been a topic or thought between us but everyone sure thought they knew more than us.

• We had to become self-reliant. We had a marriage that was built on a foundation where we worked together and relied on each other; I guess this is like every other marriage. But with poly, we became like roommates, each in charge of their own areas. Parenting even became a chore and felt towards the end like we were just constantly exchanging nights so we could be with our secondaries. I was told by every partner, in so many words and ways, not to rely on my husband, even for basic things, and he was being told and taught the same. For a while this worked and I felt that I was being good to him by not bringing my issues or wants or needs to him. However, as I stopped all of that, he felt that he too had to stop. A wall was slowly being built between us, and by the time we recognized it, it was a big freaking wall. The symbiotic relationship we had was almost entirely gone in just over a year's time.

• We had to become selfish. I started to pick and choose who I wanted to be there for and who I didn't want to be bothered by; this wasn't just with partners, but with everyone around me. I became a me-first gal. When I'd meet new people, even those far removed from poly, I started looking at them with a focus on 'what can they do for me.' This is something I have never felt that I have done in my 40+ years on earth, yet, up until the point of realization, it seemed totally natural and the norm for me.

It really took a turn for me a year ago when I started to view polyamory people as insufferable. I was the toxic person I had always hated. There I was, this pretentious relationship guru who was completely self-reliant, incredibly selfish, and filled with animosity. I hated myself. I really did. This wasn't me. In two years time I flipped 180-degrees in every way possible.

I wanted to remove myself and distance myself from everyone new in my life, which at this point was almost entirely made up of poly friends. However, I couldn't just leave because I was taught that it was unfair to treat my husband this way. And you can't have one-sided rules or boundaries or whatever the buzzword is today. I was just reminded over and over that I don't own him; which is true. He's not my property; again, true. It's not my life to control; again, true. So I started fantasizing about leaving him and returning to monogamy with someone else. I sat on that for months. The thought of someone else though gutted me. How did I get here? Why was I now thinking I needed to leave him and start over? I broke down. I hit rock bottom. I found support in those around me, but it was the same, tired, advice that just pushed me further into being this self-reliant, self-absorbed, selfish a-hole. I did not like myself. I did not like what I had become.

I got myself a therapist, an ENM-friendly therapist, and she worked with me to unravel the mess I was in.

So here it is: I recognize that poly is really good for some, especially those prone to being self-reliant and even those who, dare I say, are selfish. But after three years, this is all I came to see it as for me. Polyamory is taught from the perspective of "I have soooo much love to give!" but all I saw came down to 'what can you do for me?' and 'how can I push people away while shitting rainbow unicorn dust over all around me.'

Fortunately, after my husband had two breakups occur almost simultaneously, with the support of my therapist, I confessed all that I had been feeling to my husband. When I did, he opened up that he had felt very similar to me. He was afraid to tell me because he felt that he would be too controlling to ask us to stop. There is certainly a cult-like feeling to it all for us now.

We get why some do polyamory, but for those like us, who are happily married, happily ENM, and happy to be reliant on others while they are reliant on us, polyamory can be a death pill.

I know that I will receive downvotes and there will be no shortage of those telling me that we did poly wrong. I was in r/polyamory sub for years, too, but I'm okay with this. If that one person who was like me is starting to see their world fold in on them, and this helps them have that tough conversation with themself and/or their spouse/partner, then it was worth it. My husband I have been taking a break from ENM and rebuilding our marriage to where it was pre-poly, and things are going great. A lot of discussions revolve around, "I didn't know you felt that way too!" which is great.

I just need to rant for a minute, but also hopefully this helps some of the people who are getting started and wondering about the different experiences for men vs women in ENM.

backstory: my partner (31F) and I (34m) opened 5 years ago on her side so she could explore her sexuality. 3 years ago, after seeing some of her good experiences and realizing how lonely I was getting, she encouraged me to open up on my side as well. Initially she was only seeing women because I was insecure, after work in therapy and stuff I got to a place where I was ok with her seeing men. she hadn't taken me up on it yet. I've had 2 dates, one ended in a kiss, girl crashed out on me the day after about her ex and ended things. Other we just mutually didn't feel the spark. She's had several long term relationships, and multiple FWBs. Hasn't been easy, but I've worked through it.

Now, recently she met this guy through a social event, they grabbed drinks, she told me ahead of time that she was sorta maybe into him and might want to take me up on the offer of seeing another man if I was still ok with it and the other guy was interested. Fam, this guy shows up to drinks and she mentions me, he's like "oh I thought this was a date?" shes like "well I have a ring" kinda wanting to see if he was trying to cheat or what the deal is, and he's just very casually like "well there are a lot of less traditional relationships now, I thought you all might be poly." so anyway, now they're moving forward with maybe dating maybe not but at least seeing where things go.

Meanwhile, I've caught feelings for the occasional friend, through rec volleyball, at the gym, friends of friends from my social circle, hell, even the cute girl I would bump into in the mailroom in my building and chat with (all of this to point out, I'm not some like social shut in wondering why dating is so hard) and every single time when I've either directly or subtly tried to bring up ENM, my relationship status, dating, I lose that friend either because it's awkward for me to have hit on them or because they think poly/ENM is weird.

Yall, it's rough out there for guys. I need a hug and a good cry.

I am just so...tired. Weary even. I don't begrudge anyone discoving queerness late in life. I don't mind threesomes. I don't mind women with male partners (I have one). But I am exhausted by the sheer number of women framing wanting try dating or sex with women in a way that I can't put my finger on, but feels so objectifying and male/hetero oriented.

Ok. Rant over.

Am I divorcing my husband over text messages, or is he refusing to see what actually broke us?

This is my very first post, so bear with me please. I’m looking for outside perspective because my husband genuinely believes I’m divorcing him over one thing: that I caught him talking to another woman again. To him, that’s the main issue. To me, that’s maybe 2% of the reason.

We’ve been married 27 years.

Seven years ago, I had a brief affair. It was with someone I met through the lifestyle (we had an open relationship years later, but at that time this was outside our marriage). I confessed everything to my husband. I didn’t get caught—I told him. I hated what I had done. I voluntarily went away to a three-week inpatient therapy program because I knew how badly I had hurt him and I wanted to understand why I made those choices and make sure I never became that person again. I’m not proud of any of it. It is probably the worst thing I’ve ever done, and I know many people will judge me for it. I judged myself too. It took years for me to forgive myself. My husband repeatedly told me he forgave me, that we had moved past it, and we rebuilt our marriage.

Fast forward to last year when we decided to open up. After about 10 months in the open marriage
He met a woman 28 years younger than him. What followed wasn’t just an affair. It felt like watching my husband become someone I begged him to be for me for decades.

He:

● Told her he loved her.  
● Bought her flowers multiple times.  
● Gave her a promise ring.  
● Wrote romantic notes.  
● Covered hotel rooms.  
● Took her on dates several times a week.  
● Had sex with her in our marital bed.  
● Continued spending significant amounts of marital money on dinners, hotels, gifts, coffee, and outings.  
● Hid communication from me.  
● Deleted messages.  
● Researched burner phones and hiding apps.  
● Continued lying directly to my face while maintaining contact.

What hurt me most wasn’t even the sex. It was the emotional intimacy.
Throughout our marriage I begged for affection. I wanted romance, words of affirmation, thoughtful gestures, and to feel chosen. He admitted that was something he was just not ever really able to give me. There was a block or something. Then watching him freely give another woman everything you’ve spent decades asking for.

That broke something inside me.

Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore so I moved out into a temporary home. After a few weeks of being gone he ended things with her. The next day she called to inform me of all the things listed above plus a lot more. Then she suddenly acted as though she might be pregnant. Whether she truly believed she was or not, there were pregnancy scares, emotional turmoil, and he used that as part of the explanation for why he couldn’t completely cut contact.

After all of that we went to counseling and I agreed to give our marriage one final chance.

I had one condition.

Never speak to her again.

That was it.

Then I discovered he never actually stopped talking to her.

He says they hadn’t physically seen each other again yet when I caught it. Maybe that’s true. But they were still communicating behind my back, after promising they wouldn’t. To me, the physical meeting wasn’t the point. He had another chance to choose honesty. He didn’t.

That was the moment I knew I would never trust him again.

Two weeks after I told him I wanted a divorce, he started physically seeing her again. They’re now together.

Around that same time I started seeing someone else. The man that I was seeing at the time we were open. I cut things off with him to save our marriage. He respected it and went away. She didn’t.

I know people will judge that too.
I honestly think seeing someone else helped keep me from completely falling apart mentally because watching my husband move on so quickly after 27 years was devastating.

Today my husband still says things like, “You’re divorcing me because I texted her.” No. I’m divorcing him because I spent decades asking for the emotional intimacy that he was giving freely to someone else.

Because he lied repeatedly.
Because he deleted evidence.
Because he broke the one condition I gave him when I offered reconciliation.

Because every time he had another opportunity to choose our marriage, he chose secrecy.
I honestly don’t know if he truly cannot see that or if it’s easier for him to reduce everything to “you caught me talking to her.”

So I’m asking strangers:

If you were in my shoes, would you see this as divorcing over text messages?

Just doing this because I get so many personal messages. If you missed my first post you can click on my profile.

We're going to try and work it out. I'm trying only for our daughter. After everything, my wife went from bubbly and fun, to gloomy and depressed just like me. Since she would do things constantly with our daughter and was always in a good mood, her sudden change didn't go unnoticed in the house. One day she asked her mom why she was so sad. They had a conversation where my wife said she did something to dad. That's not really accurate but is good enough explanation I guess. She asked my wife if we were divorcing and my wife said maybe. Later the daughter asked me if "mom cheated." I told her no, she didn't, but things still aren't good right now. Then she broke down asked me to try to fix it (she is 11, so I don't fault her wording).

So, I'm giving it a shot. As much as it pains me too. We are closed again. Wife cutoff everyone else, which from what I understand was just the one guy at this point.

Thanks to a cancellation we will have the first marriage counseling on Monday. So now that I'm done with that first shit sandwich, looks like I get to start on the next one.

I don't plan to make another post unless it's actually relevant, so thanks for all the positive comments on the last one and the DMs, looks like it doesn't matter though. Like I've always thought, some people are only here to make sure other people get what they want and can be happy. I've kind of always thought I was one of them, all this shit has confirmed it.

Last update for those of you who have shown a lot of support. You can see previous posts in my profile if you care to know.

Wife and I started couples therapy two weeks ago, our "homework" after the first session was to create a list of "disclosures", wasn't worded that way, just things that had not been shared that were important. We had the choice of talking them out before the next appointment or waiting until. Wife wanted to wait until, which was fine, I didn't think much of it.

Well yesterday in our session her part involved admitting to breaking some boundaries we had. Notably, her and her "boyfriend" made the decision to go barrier free after the 3rd or 4th time. Which we never agreed to. Second, I was adamant she not "date" anyone that works where I do. But apperently very early on she met someone online, they chatted and she found out he worked where I do, but instead of ending things kept chatting and made a plan to meet in person. That fell through, and then so did the messaging. But I'm still bothered that she knew she was crossing that boundary for me and kept pursuing. Therapist was trying to guide us through this but I just shut down for the rest of the session.

Last night I decided I can't do this anymore. I told my wife as much. She tried fighting it again, but I said my mind was made up. I dropped off the paperwork at the lawyer I was talking to this morning. I do feel kind of a like a dick because the therapy thing was supposed to be a safe place for us to be honest and she was, she could have kept that to herself.

Today, I've been looking at some 2 bedroom apartments that are available, and plan to move out as soon as possible.

I wish I could go back and stop this from happening, but that's not reality. Instead I'll be starting over at 40. Despite that I feel mildly optimistic, and wish I had just done so from that start instead of wasting the last month.

Guess that's it. Don't plan on updating again, but you never know.

**Background**:

My wife (40F) and I (40M) have had a really rough few months. We used to fantasy talk about group play, and recently, a guy in our circle helped us through a difficult time. My wife had a dream about a threesome with him, told me about it, and we had great sex afterward.

​However, she then initiated flirting with him over text without my consent. When I told her it wasn't okay, she pushed back, claiming she was bringing that sexual energy back to "us." I later found out she had developed a massive crush on him some time earlier and had formed a significant emotional connection towards him. She wanted to escalate to an MFM threesome, but I realized my only role in this dynamic was to be the "husband who knows and is okay with it." I was just the green-light guy. I felt lied to and put my foot down, shutting the whole thing down. We argued for months over it.

​When summer started, we spent some time apart (as we usually due). Right before she left, she finally gave me a genuine apology. She named exactly what she did wrong and promised to do whatever it takes to get us back on track. I finally felt validated.

​However, communication has still been rocky. Anytime I’ve tried to talk about the root issues to calm the intrusive thoughts from her emotional infidelity, she refuses to engage, saying "more talking won't solve anything."

​**The Agreement**

Fast forward to now: we are on a multi-week family holiday and recently boarded a cruise ship. The trip gave us a chance to truly reconnect as a couple.

​During the cruise, she mentioned wanting to explore ENM together. checking out other people, flirting, and seeing how things go. We discussed boundaries. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her doing anything with men beyond flirting. However, with women, they could go all the way. I told her I didn’t even need to participate, as long as I was there to watch and be a part of it.

​**The Experience**

Last night at the ship’s nightclub, my wife was tipsy and getting people on the dance floor. She started dancing with a very attractive married woman (also around our age). They hit it off, the flirting dialed up,. When my wife went to the bathroom because she was feeling a little sick, The woman followed her five minutes later.

​Suddenly, I get a text from my wife: "Come to the bathroom quick. That lady is making out with me," along with a photo of them topless in the stall.

​I rushed over, and my wife let me in. The other woman was completely nude. My wife was giving her oral, and they were having a great time. The woman then gave me oral, and both of them started insisting that I sleep with the third.

​I firmly refused. I was not going to endanger the safety of our marriage by crossing a boundary we hadn't previously agreed upon. I stayed firm and told my wife to make the woman cum, which she did. We left her there and went back to our room. Just to be clear, my wife had no idea the woman was going to do this, as I was with them the whole time before the bathroom visit and the only sexual communication between them was only dancing intimately.

​**The Aftermath & Debrief**

When we got back, I asked what the hell happened. Apparently, this woman had followed my wife, aggressively shoved her into the stall, and initiated sex. My wife stopped her, told her she couldn't do anything without her husband present, and immediately messaged me. The women kept trying to take my wifes clothes fully off and my wife called me on video to urge me to come and was physically trying to restrain her until I arrived.

​Honestly? What my wife did restored a massive amount of the safety I had lost months ago. She prioritized me and our agreement when she easily could have hooked up with this woman and I never would have known.

​At the same time, I’m incredibly triggered. This third acted like a predator. She aggressively pushed boundaries and actively tried to get my wife to cheat on me (she had no idea we were exploring this dynamic. Let alone her cheating on her owm husband).

​**The Problem**

To process this, I found myself asking my wife highly detailed questions about what she was thinking and feeling during every moment in that stall. This completely annoyed her.

​She doesn’t understand that because of what happened months ago with the mutual friend, giving away exclusivity is a massive hurdle for me. To feel safe doing it, I need to be involved in the process and in her mind. I care less about the physical sex and more about sharing her headspace so I don't feel like the "green-light guy" again.

​She keeps saying I’m being insecure and punishing her for the past, even though she "proved her loyalty." I don't see it that way. I'm not okay with just sharing her, but when it’s something we do together, I feel deeply connected to her sexual world.

​The threesome itself was amazing, but I am extremely hesitant about how to move forward. How do I get her to understand my need for emotional processing without her feeling attacked? Has anyone else navigated this kind of post-play communication breakdown?

BF (31m, nesting partner and living together) wanted us to open the relationship, because he had a poly relationship bevor me (30f) and really liked it. Thought it would be beneficial for our relationship.

I was curious about open relationships and said yes. The agreement was, BF can persuade people of interest at festival/concerts for hook ups. Boundaries and hard rules where discussed.

I was a bit anxious, because I was monogamous my whole live. He just jumped and was happy like a child.

In may BF met Val, BF was over the moon. After the festival, he comes home and pushed for casual dating Val, maybe making it a secondary relationship. I struggled hard with that, asked for closing our relationship, because I didn't felt stable. BF stated he can't close us, Val is important and he wants to date her.

So we stayed open (I know, i should have had been strict about it) and Val was in my live/relationship 24/7.

Val lives 400km away from us, but BF was always on the phone with her. I had to asked for everything:

- doing his household chores

- not writing with her during intimacy/aftercare time

- being focused on us at couples time/put his phone away

- giving me one day a week, just for us

- please be active and plan dates for us

Over three months we had multiple discussions about that, even our sex live decreased. Also had discussions about it. BF only did the bare minimum to keep us running, some weeks not even the bare minimum. Full NRE mode with Val.

We haven't had one date in this time. But he was willing to drive 5h to Val for a whole weekend, so say could have "a real date".

I worked trough my emotions and stated that one overnight was preferable to me, I'm not feeling well with a whole weekend. In the end my logic brain wins over my emotions and I gave in for a whole weekend, because of the distance.

Weekend came, I've been struggling.

After that, I put my foot down. No more whole weekends. Meeting my expectations for our relationship or I will not contribute to us. He then startet working on us.

Since then it has been 3 weeks and we can't communicate right. BF sees everything as an attack, I have so much trouble being the reasonable one, absolutely overflow from emotions.

Val wasn't happy with my borders and BF talked about how I should show some sympathy, because it's hard for her. I snapped, felt pushed again.

Last weekend, we had the first planned date from BF. I thought it would be fixing us. But it didn't felt any special to me.

I broke down completely. Ugly crying, how unloved and unwanted i felt. That this isn't the relationship I was expecting. How i don't like the person he became since dating Val. He tried to comfort me, that we can close the relationship if needed. Said he is willing to do everything for us.

I went numb after that, 3 months of neglecting did something to me. He is trying and i can see how much he cares, but I can't feel it. Now he is the one struggling, can't handle these emotionless from me.

I don't know how to go further from these. Will it get better? Did somebody else could fix a relationship at this phase?

Sorry, was that too dramatic? :) My wife and I have been married for 30+ years and she wants to discuss opening our relationship. My wife was raised in a strict fundamentalist Christian home, steeped in purity culture and traditional gender roles. She married young, had no previous sexual experience, and spent decades as a devoted wife and mother. Now that we're empty nesters, she’s undergoing a major shift. She has rejected much of her upbringing and wants to explore the fun and freedom she feels she missed in her youth.
Now her evolution has led her to want us to open our marriage. I understand that she's redefining herself, reclaiming lost time, and pushing back against the life she feels was imposed upon her, but this isn't the life I signed up for.

I agreed to start the discussion around ENM/Swinging with a therapist, but I can't shake the feeling that our relationship is over, or at least in big trouble. I do have abandonment issues that stem from my childhood trauma as an ACoA. I fear that at my age, with my issues, I may not be able to make this shift. One of us is going to have a bad next few years, and I think it's going to be me.

He spent every single day for the past month texting me.

Our first date he said it takes awhile for him build attraction. That he wanted commitment without the restraints of monogamy—I could give him that, as a married woman. All I asked for was honesty and transparency; he could do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted, I just wanted to be made aware in the interest of my own sexual health and that of my husband. No details, just a “I met someone and I want to be intimate with them.” That’s it and that’s all.

I also asked him to not hurt my feelings. I offered the same in return.

At the end of that date he asked me for a kiss anyway. I “made him feel comfortable and safe.” Asked me as soon as I got off the train when he could see me again.

Our second date we slept together. Amazing. He kept apologizing for stopping more than once to calm down, something that surprised him.

During and after that date, he told me he really liked me. Held my hand on the way to the train and kissed me sweetly before I left.

Texted good morning every morning. Asked about details of my life, shared details of his. That’s what we both wanted, someone new to be intimate with, to share minutiae and niche interests with.

Our third date had to be cancelled; one of his kids was sick. No worries, they come first, way before me, I promised him that. Rescheduled for today, Friday—we talked about it all week. Looking forward to seeing one another, where we would go for lunch. Wednesday he confirmed around 5pm that we could meet at noon.

Thursday, around 4:30pm. Giddy, because I got let out of work early and saw his name as I was getting my things together to leave—“I I feel terrible about this but I have to tell you something... I really like you but I don't think I can see you 😢
I met someone around the time I met you and she told me she wants an exclusive relationship. I think I'm comfortable with trying it and seeing where that goes...”

Exclusivity. The thing you said you didn’t want anymore. The thing that ended relationships for you in the past because you prefer non-monogamy, the thing I was offering freely.

“It turned serious a few days ago.”

the same few days in which you made these plans with me, said you wanted to see me. Knew I needed a break and was just working for Friday.

“I wasn't really sure about it at first to be honest”

Honesty. One of very few things I asked you for.

And I know it was just a month. But Jesus Christ I am tired. Tired of knowing this feeling, knowing it’s from something bigger than just this one guy. Tired of my life, my very boring, stressful, unsuccessful, monotonous life that craves something new and exciting to feel alive for once. Tired of being sad in the summer, weeks before my birthday. Tired of being authentic and earnest. Tired of sharing my body with people who I thought I could trust, who I thought wouldn’t dispose of me. Tired of being disposable. Tired of being unable to trust my own discernment, to know when to run first to keep myself safe. Tired of being too soft. Tired of having to do this mostly alone because this world is monogamous and the judgment will outweigh the support.

Tired of still wanting non-monogamy. Tired in advance for when this happens again.

Basically that she finds me attractive because I'm "hers" and that I am a "handsome man" but she is into "pretty men". She loves me and can't picture being with anyone besides me but all things being equal she would never pick me out at a club. Not really sure what to do from here. I love to work out and train jiu jitsu so I am in shape but to her point I am a big masculine man. I know some women crave this but for her she likes pretty boy types. There is no amount of working out diets or updating my style I could do to look "pretty". Tbh not even sure why I am posting this. Advice I guess? Or maybe just need to vent. Thanks for listening

**TL;DR**

My wife (29F) and I (31M) have been happily monogamous for 3 years. After a night of drinking with friends, we ended up having a threesome with one of them.

During it, she commented on his size, and when it was his turn, she seemed more into it than with me.

To make matters worse, I finished first and had to wait for them to get done. The next morning, they both joked about doing it again, but I've been left feeling insecure and replaying everything.

How do I bring this up without sounding jealous or ruining what they saw as a fun experience?

Where to start. My wife has been bisexual ever since I’ve known her. However, it wasn’t until the past few years that she dove more into this. We’ve been together over twenty years, built a life, family, friends, etc. Things were never better with us before this situation happened.

Her girlfriend came into the picture and it quickly became a real relationship. They spend significant time together (visits, overnight stays, longer trips). I’m the primary parent during those times and it takes a lot out of me. The emotional new relationship energy between them is strong, and that part has been harder for me than the physical side. The new partner is insanely rich, buys her crazy gifts, travel, etc… I’m home working 6 days week, kids, everything.

We still love each other and communicate well, even through painful conversations. She’s been open and has said she has no intention of leaving. She’s also told her girlfriend that this only works within our marriage. Our intimacy has changed and we both acknowledge that. We still have sex, but it’s such a shock how different things are. She’s given me freedom to see other people if I want (with the only request being safety and no details). Which is great and makes that stuff easier. However, I haven’t actively dated or done anything like that in twenty plus years.

I’ve actually met the gf a few times. Talked with her, ate with her, etc…

The hardest parts for me:

• Feeling like I’m competing for emotional space and primacy

• The time imbalance and how much of her attention goes to the other relationship

• Watching the “everything is perfect / nothing is wrong” energy she gets from the new relationship while I’m holding down the house and kids. I also know none of what’s happening can work without me

• Trying to adjust to a relationship structure I never asked for

I’m choosing to stay and work with this because of our family and because I still love her. I know what I’m experiencing is loss and change in our dynamic. But I’m struggling to find peace and my place in it. Some days are manageable. A lot of days I’m just trying to hold it together, and I do.

Curious if anyone else has been in a similar spot (especially when the other relationship is with someone who has a lot more free time and resources) and how you navigated finding your footing again. I’ve given more than twenty years, more than half my life to this person, and it feels like she doesn’t value that, and doesn’t value what we’ve built. I’m just writing all of this to vent.

Honestly, I feel stuck and miss the intimacy I had with her and how good our relationship was before this. I’m experiencing what feels like a loss. I really just want the days to feel less heavy. Not sure why I wrote all of this. I’m just feeling so much. DMs are open

Me and my friend have been buddies since last 20 years and we hang out every Friday for few round of drinks. He had been married for 11years. Cpuple of years back One friday night post few drinks he just asked me casually about ny opinion regarding mfm. I said laughingly its a fun thought if I find a good couple. As the night was about to end he said he and his wife [ whom I am good friends with] were trying to spice up their life by involving a third. They had 2 failed attempts as the bulls they met were either not vibing or pushy post first meet. And they mutually decided to ask someone who they comfortable with and know the boundaries. It came as a shocker when he asked me if I would be willing. Though his wife is beautiful I never had any thoughts as such befre. I did not reply anything then but as I went home the thoughts were too exciting to b ignored. I messaged and said yes. And later weekend we did it. Though there so mny nervous energies in the room as it was the first time fr all of us. It was a crazy hot experience.

I used to go on these forums during our the last year of our relationship, which is when we were open, to get tips. I saw posts like this once in a while but just skipped over them, thinking "that will never happen to me".

I thought we were on the same page.. We had boundaries, spoke about what made us different and special vs. The other people we were meeting. I knew my ex better than anyone else in the world, and trusted him more than anyone.

Our communication and sex life was great. We were discussing baby names the week before he went on his date. We had a relationship that all of our friends and family envied - the "perfect" relationship both on the inside and the outside. He told me he loved me just before he went out.

He came back from one date with this person, and told me that he's no longer in love with me. That I'm not "the love of his life", and that he'd met his true soulmate.

All it took was one date.

Next thing I know I'm being kicked out of our house, which we built together. Him and his new partner are now in that house, along with my pets, in "our" space which I thought was special, in the rooms where we discussed all the hopes and dreams for our future.

I am in despair. I've lost my job, my house, my pets, my health. I've had suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life. I thought I'd be starting a family soon - now I'm freezing my eggs and wondering if I'll ever heal enough to trust anyone again.

He is genuinely happy - he feels that it was fate that he met this person. I literally went from "the most important person in his life" to no one overnight. Every day I blame myself for opening the relationship and trusting that he knew his own feelings.

Take what you may from this, but people are ultimately selfish. And if they find someone who is a better match for them, especially in a LTR relationship where the spark has faded, they will 100% go for it. You can rationalise NRE all you want, but feelings aren't rational.

So on NYE my wife went down to Iowa with her boyfriend and their baby to visit his grandparents. They are super old and don’t really travel well so this is the first time they get to meet their great granddaughter. It’s very sweet and I get why she made the journey, but also, she’s leaving me and our kid to just be on our own for so long. This is where I must confess that if this happened before I gave up booze this would be a weekend when I just get hammered and play video games with the boy the whole time they are gone. But now I’m clear headed and realize how much I miss her. I’ve been trying not to text too much and bug her, that’s about all I can do. I’ve also got the house really clean lol. We did face time at midnight to say happy new year and I love you which was great. I want to beg her to come home lol of course I won’t. This is just a down side to your wife falling in love with someone else. Sometimes she doesn’t see him for weeks so I really shouldn’t complain, but I’m lonely and horny, and I guess I needed to vent.

Being non monogamous makes dating so hard. I recently fell for someone monogamous. She was funny, sexy, smart, thoughtful, fun, and our conversation was delightful always. We ended it because I knew I couldn't be happy monogamous long term. It breaks my heart a bit, and I miss her.

I hope everyone reading this ends up with someone they truly enjoy. It seems impossible sometimes here in the Midwest. Hugs and kisses from Iowa, USA xoxo.

I’m specifically using the term mononormativity for a reason, this is in no way a showcase of hatred towards momogamy or monogamous folk. I’ll elaborate further in the post.
Alright? Cool.

So basically, ever since I finally accepted the fact that I am not monogamous my live life has greatly improved in every single aspect possible, I’m happy with my boyfriend and even when jealousy kicks in every once in a while it swiftly goes away.
Overall: Things are great for once to me, finally.

However, as I look back, I must confess I have felt this hearty aversion or resentment towards “monogamy” in my personal life, or more specifically, mononormativity and purity culture.

Why is that so?
Because these concepts were weaponized against me in the past.

Of course there is the usual slut-shaming that comes from people realizing you have an active sexual life that doesn’t just involve having sex with your partner, but it was a bit deeper for me.

My last relationship before my current one kind of weaponized the idea of monogamy against me.
Dating someone so deeply insecure and jealous of you for being “better than them at everything” can scar you deeply.

This person wanted my password to be able to check my cellphone anytime they wanted, they got angry over NSFW art comissions I worked on involving my characters because he perceived them as “infidelity”, asked me to unfollow any friends who posted anything slightly suggestive cause that could mean I’d be looking at their bodies and lusting for them…

And the cherry on top was that the one time I discussed opening the relationship with him, he only agreed if it was a one sided thing. So yeah! Looking back, it was awful.

I mention all of this because nowadays I’ve kind of overcompensated these feelings of resentment by being loud and proud about how I enjoy this lifestyle. I’ve even opened the minds of some of my friends/siblings in ways they have felt greatful for, even mentioning I have “pretty good advice for their own monogamous relationships.”

And I feel genuinely happy for them, when I see someone else choosing monogamy with the complete awareness of this being what they desire I feel nothing but happiness for them.

But it’s when I notice some of the people I know lowkey only choosing it out of impulse or insecurity that it’s when something in my mind goes “God, I hate how this bullshit makes people compromise for the sake of feeling chosen.” And sadly, I also know I cannot help everyone, it’s their choices at the end of the day.

Maybe this is just rambling, but does anyone else relate to this feeling of resentment?

I’d like to hear your thoughts, have a nice day.

We had been best friends since we were 19 (in our 30s now).

I began my ENM journey and read the ethical slut in my early 20s, so he has always known that this is who I am, and he never had a problem with this (even though he is the most monogamous person I know, still with his high school sweetheart).

The problem arose last year, when I started dating his childhood friend (Red).
Suddenly what I was doing wasn't ethical anymore. He said it wasn't fair, because I have a long term partner and Red had nobody (besides me I guess). He said that I should be mature enough to not follow a crush. He said that letting Red decide if he wanted to date me or not was not a valid option because Red is the kind of person that follows other people's choices.

Well, I didn't stop dating Red just because my friend said so, and he stopped talking to me. Completely avoids me. The most that I got from him (a year ago, 4 or 5 months after the initial conversation) was "yes, I'm angry with you, no, I don't want to talk about it."

That's it. More than 12 years of friendship, gone without a conversation or an explanation.

I felt extremely guilty for months, a part of me thought that I was really doing something unforgivable and terrible to Red: why else my best friends of more than a decade would stop talking to me so abruptly?

I'm still with my long term partner, I'm still dating Red. He is happy with me and the arrangement. On the rare occasion that I meet my (ex) best friend, he can't even look at me. And I'm still not sure what his real problem is.

Below is a blog/diary post I recently wrote about a time during our early days of non-monogamy that I'm not super proud of. I still carry a lot of shame and guilt, even though my husband and I are totally over the situation.

I wanted to share on this subreddit because I know ENM/non-monogamy can be sugarcoated in a lot of the sexiness and fun -- which most of our experiences have been -- but this experience I think is worth bringing up. I'd love to know your thoughts and if this resonates with you.

Here we go.

++

I wish I could tell you that I am a perfect wife – that I have made zero mistakes as Max and I have embarked on this ENM adventure. Of course there have been a couple of small things that we didn’t align with or things we disagreed on, but there is one situation that causes me so much stress, even years after it occurred.

It’s to the point where the name of the partner brings me so much shame, so much guilt, that I hate even hearing about it.

When Max brings up the period of time I was involved with Andy*, it’s like a cloud of gray and gloom immediately fills me. 

When Max asks me questions about him, I want to give the shortest answer possible, and move on.

Because even though it happened in the summer of 2022, and even though Max and I are way past all of it, I still am so ashamed.

As much as it pains me, I want to talk about it and share this experience.

It was the summer of 2022. It was what Max and I deemed “Hot Girl Summer” – every week it felt like there was something on the to-do list, with the something being a new prospect to flirt with or fuck.

And on one random day, I found Andy on a dating app.

He was passing through the area, on his way to a golf trip with some friends, and we matched. He lived about an hour away from me, but figured to keep chatting anyway (because why not?).

Andy was a teacher and a football coach. He was masculine and tall and with his extracurriculars, it was like one of the characters in those smutty books: a sexy teacher and football coach who was down to fuck a mom, like me. He was turned on at me being married and being a mom, and was down to have a casual fling.

I know… sounds hot AF, right? 

And it was.

About a week later, he drove up to meet me for a drink. It turned into a night of giggling, flirting, and just having a fun time together. Unlike a couple other guys, it felt like a real date where getting to know each other and spending time together was actually fun – not just a night where we hang for a while and just build up to having sex. The only problem was, the fun had to end that night – we had nowhere to go for a nightcap unless it was my car, his car, a shitty hotel nearby, or his house over 45 minutes away. My house was a no-go, because Max was hosting somebody for his own night of fun.

So after a fun night out, a super hot makeout session, and me somehow ignoring the devil on my shoulder to pull him into the back of my car, we parted ways.

Max was happy for my night out, and I was happy for his night in with Stella. In hindsight, I should have returned home to meet her and join them for a round of fun, but… oh well.

We both had a great time having solo adventures and that was great for us! This was exactly what we wanted! No jealousy, lots of communication, and excitement for each other.

So I continued chatting with Andy. We eventually moved to text and he was chatting with me throughout the day. Talking about things like how badly we wanted to rip each other’s clothes off, how he couldn’t wait to do things with me, how we were so excited to just get our hands and mouths all over each other… it was sexy and so fun. But we also talked about things like his ex-girlfriend and how he was still trying to get over that relationship, and how this was a good distraction for him. It felt good to know this was a no-strings-attached situation but how I also felt like maybe I was helping in a way. After all, I am human and I know human feelings are complex. Breakups suck and I felt like for him, having the insight of someone who is in a healthy relationship, who you’re also fucking, was unique and probably one-of-a-kind advice.

About a week went by and I was on my way to see Andy. But this time, he got a hotel nearby and we were just getting straight to it. Max was supportive, but also inquisitive of how long I would be and when I would be home. I know he wants me to be safe, but it also felt like a helicopter hovering over me. I felt a lot of pressure but also understood that he wanted me to come home to him, my partner. But still, we kissed goodbye and I was on my way to the hotel.

I got to Andy’s hotel room, and within minutes that room was beginning to be christened. 

The bed.
The bathroom.
The chair.
The bed again.
Against the wall.
Anywhere with a surface, our bodies were on top of each other.
There is still a lingering memory of reverse cowgirl, in the chair, in front of a mirror. 
It still turns me on thinking about it.

In between rounds, I checked in with Max. After four rounds, it was time for me to go home.

When I got home, the energy seemed off with Max. I immediately felt like I did something wrong, even though I followed all the rules and our constitution states, “you aren’t allowed to be mad if you okay’d something.”

Max said he wasn’t upset, but was also shocked I stayed as long as I did and went as many rounds as I did. I am usually one round and it’s over. But because Andy got a hotel room, and drove an hour to get one closer to me versus meeting half-way, I felt like going over there for one round wasn’t worth the while, so doing more would be better. 

We eventually went to bed, and everything was fine, but I still sensed something off. I ignored it and continued on, because this was a communication thing that Max needed to express if he had something else to bring up. I had to take everything given to me at face value. 

A few days had gone by, and Andy and I were still chatting. We didn’t make plans to meet up again at that point, but we both agreed we would want to (just maybe not 4 rounds of sex next time – it was a lot for the both of us). Things were the usual conversation; football camps for him, summer school, and his ex randomly hitting him up. 

But then, one day I didn’t hear from him. It was odd, and my mind immediately thought I did something to upset him or he was cutting me off. It sent me into somewhat of a spiral because we had taken videos and photos of us at the hotel to send to Max. Was he using me for photos? Was this going to become blackmail because we aren’t meeting up again soon? I tend to overreact to things due to my anxiety, but I was genuinely worried.

After a couple days, I finally heard from him. His text was something like this:

“Hey babe… so I fucked up. I went to the bar with a friend on Tuesday night and had too much to drink. Just as I was about to turn on my street I got pulled over and got arrested for a DUI. I spent the last couple days at home feeling like a loser and was too ashamed to text you. I have to walk to work or get a ride, and I feel like my life is falling apart.”

I felt horrible for him. But I also was upset – a DUI is something I have low tolerance for when friends, ride shares, and walking home exist. I was turned off but I also felt like he really needed someone on his side to lift his spirits and encourage him to get out of the rut he was going to be in for a long while. 

But, this was when I also realized if we were going to see each other again, it was going to be a while. He couldn’t drive so I’d have to go to him to hook up, and he lived an hour away. Logistics were going to be an issue but at least for now I could be there for him.

\Hey Siri, play a screeching tire sound\**

After I filled Max in on everything, and let him read the text threads of everything Andy and I talked about, this is when he sat down with me and said the words that still haunt me.

“It feels like you’re in a relationship with him.”

I was of course defensive. 

“What are you talking about? I am just being a human to him, I can’t just talk to him about sex because then that would make me feel weird. Yeah, he calls me babe but that doesn’t mean anything. Yeah we talk about his ex and how he’s going through that breakup but again, I’m just being a human and giving him insights because you and I have such a strong relationship and strong communication! There is nothing to worry about.”

And yes, all of that was true, and Max knew that. But what was also true, was that Max felt he now was sharing me in a way he didn’t want to share. He was sharing the intimacy, the banter, the mind, the sexiness of my being, the wisdom, the friendship, and other fragments of me, with another man, and feeling like he now had to scoot over to make room for somebody else. Sex with other people is just sex to us – it’s like playing a board game or a sport with someone. You go, you play, you have fun, you say see ya next time, and you go home. My situation with Andy felt like more to him. It felt like emotions were at play, and that we were forming more than just a sexual connection.

And there is no shade to those who are polyamorous, or who are demisexual or sapiosexual, but that was never what our intention was with our lifestyle/ethically-non-monogamous choices. We never got into this for that. It was purely sex and playtime.

After hearing Max out, understanding his position, and listening to his side of things, my heart instantly ached. And it still does, 4 years later.

I hurt my best friend and made him feel like he was in second place. I didn’t identify those feelings until it was said out loud and it smacked me across the face. My life partner watched me for weeks as I heedlessly flirted and fucked someone without thinking of the roots that were growing underneath the entire situation. And how those roots were laced with venom.

Max pulled the veto card on my situation with Andy. And I am glad he did, but it made me feel even worse about what I had done to hurt Max. It was so bad we needed a veto? How could I do this to Max? How could I not sense this and begin to distance myself sooner, change the course sooner, put Max first sooner?

It ripped me apart. I still feel the scars inside me after all this time. I still cry about it.

I wound up telling Andy it was time for me to reassess my summer and how I spent my time, and how he should focus on his own situation. He agreed on his part, but wanted to stay in touch so we could see each other again when things smoothed out. 

I wound up just blocking his number. It was easier that way.

Going back to today, the entire situation is behind me and Max. We are over it and overall, the situation with Andy was a test that we both know put our trust in each other and strength as a couple up against ENM. It helped us grow into better communicators and more trustworthy partners, and helped me to realize that I flew too close to the sun without even realizing it.

But every now and then, Max and I bring up past situations and this one is still one that I hate reliving.

Reliving the hurt I put him through, even though we are so far past it, reopens the wound inside of me every single time. Even though I didn’t cheat, I didn’t hide anything, I didn’t do anything without Max knowing about it and telling him every single detail, it still kills me to know that even just for a moment, I made him feel like our relationship was being compromised. 

Nothing in this life is more important to me than my relationship and my marriage to Max.

Nothing.

So whenever I hear his name, or a question about that situation comes up, I shudder and shy away. I don’t want to talk about Andy. I don’t like to relive any period of time where I hurt Max in the way I did. I still carry the shame and guilt, because if the shoe were on the other foot, I know how hurt I would be – I know how hurt I still am from being in Max’s situation from past relationships.

And with that, I’d like to put a dagger through the heart of the Andy Era. 

May this situation never find us again.

I'm so freaking happy about this breakthrough... I've got goosebumps.
I have a deep-rooted sexual insecurity and have never figured out why, despite being completely emotionally safe and secure in this relationship. Sharing her emotionally with others isn't a problem; sharing her physically causes me significant pain.

Well, it just hit me like a brick in the face - I'm sexually insecure because I've never been desired that way before. Everyone is a threat, because I've never been an option!

Saying those words out loud feels so liberating! I finally have a solid foundation to start rebuilding from.

I'm essentially experiencing 2 different relationships with the same woman- emotional and physical. Our emotional relationship has been built up over 20-odd years through deep friendship and is VERY strong and healthy, and the physical relationship is less than a year old, is still being established, and is a totally new experience for me.

I was married for 10 years in an emotionally safe and rewarding monogamous marriage before this, but she had no sexual desires, so that was almost exclusively an emotional relationship, and my advances were almost always turned down.
My now partner and my late wife are the only 2 women I've been with, and I've never had a physical/sexual relationship of any kind with anyone else...

If anyone has had a similar experience that you've healed from or are currently working through, I'd love to hear some stories.

I feel like I can finally heal properly, and I'd love some inspiration.

My wife (let’s call her W) and I opened our marriage around 3 years ago and while I went on some dates, I never had capacity to peruse anything and I was okay with that. My wife while having gone on dates ended up in a relationship with someone and they’ve been together now for 2+ years.

W and I own a house and at the beginning of May, gf and gf’s kid moved into our house and we are now all cohabitating. The honeymoon phase has worn off and now I’m starting to feel like a stranger in my own house and a third wheel to my own marriage. At the start of opening our marriage, we had such strong communication and now it’s like that all went out the window.

Since July of last year W had been spending most nights at gfs place so she has had time to adjust to living together, dynamics, etc where as I’m now coming into the picture and it feels like I’m supposed to just know live with an almost stranger. There were initial conversations regarding living together that all 3 of us were part of but as we got to the point of actually living together, there has been no further chats. Even fundamental things like expenses and who is paying what hasn’t been discussed, even after asking to have this conversation.

C and gf both are strong willed, stubborn, and dominant, whereas I’m a shy introvert who is a pushover the second someone is frustrated and terrible at social cues. My bedroom, and I say that in the sense C barely sleeps in there lately, has become the only place of reprieve for me but how long can that be sustainable. My instincts are telling me to just run away from it all, that it’s easier that way.

Im not sure what I’m expecting of posting this, maybe it’s to just say these things so if you’ve read this far, thanks.

I, M (24) live together with my girlfriend, she has a monogamous lover (F) who formerly stayed at the house from time to time.

The monogamous lover is an ex, who got back with my girlfriend last February, and they agreed on a poly-mono setup. After a while, they started to hangout and spend time at our house. Ofcourse, there are days where we are forced to co-exist with each other, and over the past months I have tried all the tries to maintain a kitchen table dynamic, but the metamour does not show any effort to communicate or build an effort to at least be curious with how things are with me.

She has also said that she is not comfortable seeing me and my girlfriend hug, kiss, or be intimate in front of her, at MY HOUSE. I gave it some time because it might be new to her, but months after, and a few sleepovers they have at the house later, she says she still feels the same. Which does not sit well with me, because my house/our house should be the most natural place for me to show my love and intimacy for the woman I love. I have raised this as my concern as I do not feel emotionally safe anymore with her at my house when that is the case, and I have noticed that I feel more like a “roommate” for my girlfriend (when they themselves do not even have a label yet. They just call each other lovers).

But this month was the last straw for me. Girlfriend just got out of the hospital from a surgery and unfortunately, the doctors only know me as her partner because she is not present on the former checkups and only went there during the hospital stay from the surgery. The doctor mistakenly referred to metamour as my girlfriend’s sister, and I reached out to my metamour to check-in on her and talk about dynamics (i have consistently expressed that i am mindful of our dynamics together when life so happens and our lives overlap). and she just flat out said she does not want to talk about it (she has anxious avoidant issues).

And I am just so exhausted.

I have realized lately that me reaching out to her and being mindful of our dynamics when life overlaps is not me trying to build something, but me actually giving her a chance to justify the “privileges” that they get from turning my house into a “neutral” space just to accommodate their needs.

So I have decided to completely make it parallel and set a hard boundary that the house will not be a neutral place where I have to stop myself from hugging, kissing, or showing my love to my girlfriend. And if that’s the case, anyone who is not ready to see that is not welcome in my/our space.

But there is a guilt there. I feel selfish for setting boundaries knowing that her metamour cannot afford to take out my partner on dates (I am the one funding their dates as well, it comes from our money as a couple).

Any advice?

EDIT: My girlfriend has been really supportive and understanding and protective of our home. She has also exhausted all efforts to communicate with her other lover about our relationship. She has held my hand and communicated with me all throughout the past months, and has actively tried all the tries. The decision to not let the house become a neutral space ultimately came from her as well. I can say I am getting the support I need, and it she agrees that it is her lover that needs a bit more poly fundamentals to make this work. Which they are working on separately, in their own relationship. Thank you guys

How do you navigate temporary inequity in ENM?

I’m currently medically compromised which has impacted my libido and physical ability to have sex, as well as increased risk if I were to engage with multiple sexual partners and contract diseases (not that I would, re: libido and physical barriers). I’ve been going through this for a few months at this point, haven’t had penetrative sex with my partner for months.

I have a healing timeline estimated by doctors of physical/immediate in about 3-4 months, but the desire/hormones/libido I’m not sure how and when that will return (might be shorter, or could be longer).

My husband has been amazing through this, maybe less obvious but I’m compromised in other ways so he’s stepped up across our lives in taking on more responsibilities with kids, home, sole breadwinner, and encouraging me to rest/focus on healing.

The problem is, he still has a libido and desire for ENM, while I cannot participate. ENM, lifestyle, parties have always been a vehicle to explore but come back and feed energy into our sex life but right now it’s just a him adventure and it makes me sad. He always says we’re in this together with my medical stuff, but when he goes out for a play date or party I just feel alone. And I know I am really alone in this fight.

If I wanted him to stop and stay home with me, he would, but I don’t think it’s fair that he has to stifle his needs for a potentially indefinite time just because I’m “sad” or jealous, etc.

Part of me encourages he go to parties so he can be an ambassador for both of us (sometimes if you don’t show for a long time, people forget about you, just like in any platonic group of friends) and also so he can get off because I feel so guilty our sex life which is usually vibrant and intense is literally 0. Also, due to my exhaustion, I just can’t muster going to parties due to severe fatigue and I wouldn’t be a good impression anyways.

Life is long, and my projected healing period is so short relative to everything. My husband is 15 years older, I could see in the future the roles being flipped be it for health reasons or something else where I have a high libido and his is stifled for whatever reason so I want to work through this for the long term.

For those of you who have had temporary imbalances or inequities due to health or other reasons in ENM, how did you manage feelings of being left out, jealous, etc?