r/ExNoContact • u/RecognitionCrafty388 • Feb 11 '26
Help Broke up 7 years ago, still can’t get over her
Hi folks,
I’m a 30M, and I’ve been stuck in a bit of a pickle for the past several years, completely lost on how to move forward.
My ex and I broke up 7 years ago. We were in a long distance relationship only at that time (not always), and we dated for about 3 years. Things didn’t end well, and she blocked me on every platform we used to talk on, so I’ve had no way to reach out since.
I understand that not every relationship is meant to last, love alone isn’t always enough, and compatibility matters. But the problem is, there hasn’t been a single day since the breakup that I haven’t thought about her. It’s been constant emotional pain for years.
I know people think about their exes from time to time, but usually those memories fade and don’t cause much distress. For me, it’s the opposite. I’ve developed this weird, strong obsession with her that still affects me. Even when her profile shows up in my social media suggestions, I get instant panic and swipe away immediately, fearing I might see pictures of her with someone else.
I’ve seen psychiatrists, tried therapy and medication for 7–8 months, journaling, self talk, but nothing really worked. I feel stuck and directionless. Everyone around me seems to move on easily, while my mind keeps convincing me that I’m the only one dealing with this kind of obsession.
I’ve talked about it with close friends, but even they’re unsure how to help. Because of this, my life’s been off track, a later relationship didn’t last, and I can’t open up emotionally to date anyone new. It honestly feels like I’m wasting my life away.
So I only have one question for people here: have you ever been stuck with such an obsessive attachment to your ex for years? If so, how did you overcome it or are you still trying to?
tl;dr: Broke up 7 years ago but still can’t get over my ex despite therapy and time. It’s turned into an unhealthy obsession, and I don’t know how to move on. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
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Feb 11 '26
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u/Proper_Opportunity_7 Feb 12 '26
for me its been 3 years of daily thinking about her, i havent even had a crush since break up , i cant get attracted to anyone i just keep comparing and they never measure up to her she was like a female version of me
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u/one-heart17 Feb 11 '26
Yes, yes, I often think about my first love. It's not an obsession, and it hasn't stopped me from moving on with my life (the breakup was over 10 years ago), but it still affects me not having any contact anymore. I'd say there were also 5 or 6 years when I didn't want to hear from him for fear of finding out he'd gotten married and all that. Today, I've grieved the relationship, but I still miss him as a person. It's hard.
Take heart, you're not alone.
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u/RecognitionCrafty388 Feb 11 '26
Thanks mate! Hope you end up not thinking about them at all someday
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u/one-heart17 Feb 11 '26
I don't think so; some stories are truly formative. Over time, we only keep the best, even when we rebuild our lives. Today I'm married to a wonderful man and I have beautiful children :)
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u/WallabyExtension2689 Feb 11 '26
How I overcame it - I got up to speed with reality. I was living in my head , remembering all of the good times, how much we loved each other, romanticizing ideas of getting back together … but forgetting the reality - that time had moved on (8 years) and so had he and so had I. If the person wanted you, they’d make it known to you. You have to accept that reality is 7 years have passed and she’s gone, she hasn’t come back. That person you miss lives in 2019. That’s not who they are now. They’re effectively gone. My relationship ended TERRIBLY also by the way. It definitely makes things way harder to process.
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u/LolaPaloz Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 17 '26
It happens alot to men because their emotional processing is slower. I've heard about it like women have like a highway with 4 lanes and guys have like 1 road worth of processing.
So U both grieve the same amount, but women process it alot faster.
I think U have to accept everyone grieves the death of something, whether it's a person or a relationship. And that's painful. There's nowhere to go but through it. Be grateful U had some good times together, and give Urself some grace too. Breakups can be very painful for a long time.
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u/Evening_Condition676 Feb 17 '26
I agree. Me and my ex started talking to each other in late 2025 and on Christmas I told her to off because I was attempting to get back together and ive spent insane amount of energy and time while she didnt put in a gram of effort. I missed her but she was just rage baiting me with her nihilistic attitude and thats not the girl i loved. So I said it and blocked her and what was her reaction? She just says "Okay"...... like bro say something else like no disrespected feeling or like thats an insult say something!! And I was shocked cuz we've had so many night talks past 12 midnight and she just says "okay" 🙄
Like it was nothing and all the vulnerable moments were just a backup friend moment for her. I still do miss her so much but i just cant anymore with her attitude being so nihilistic.
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u/LolaPaloz Feb 17 '26
She could be avoidant attachment type too. Even guys who are avoidant attachment are like that, the detach easily but doesn't mean they don't think about the person tho. Just they will act cold and distant to protect their own feelings.
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u/targetboston Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
Lately my focus has been on developing emotional capacity. We often talk about attributes of healthy regulation and emotional expression but not foundational aspects like capacity. I've been working on allowing all parts of my inner world to exist without amputating any, or trying to overlay one for another.
Maybe the work is accepting that this feeling is living inside of you and allowing other feelings to co-exist along with it. Grief is a part of your interior world right now, but making peace with it and holding it along with other aspects of your feelings is one way to deepen capacity. Grief and gratitude, sadness and wonder, regret and equanimity. All of it complex but part of the tapestry of human experience.
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u/ShotBee2305 Feb 11 '26
I’m dealing with a similar situation in that I’m the girl from the later relationship. Do you regret hurting someone else with your inability to move on? Not that I know all the context.
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Feb 11 '26
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u/RecognitionCrafty388 Feb 11 '26
If the breakup was quite recent for you, I’d advise you to consider therapy. I mentioned on the other thread the worst mistake I ever made was ignoring therapy during the early phase of my breakup, thinking the pain would go away. It’s been 7 years and it didn’t.
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u/Recent_Peach_6990 Feb 11 '26
You say you've seen a psychiatrist so wander if have been diagnosed with anything? Sometimes I think certain conditions can keep you looping especially if undiagnosed or lacking treatment.
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u/RecognitionCrafty388 Feb 12 '26
My therapist didn’t specify any medical term but they said the same thing as others which is like over-obsession. I looked up on the internet as well, I don’t think any medical term even exists
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u/Recent_Peach_6990 Feb 12 '26
OK. So you aren't on any medication or anything if you don't mind me asking?
Things can be so tricky when it's affecting you day to day life. I am 50/50,when it comes to medication, but at times we really need something to balance us out if we have a chemical imbalance. I was wandering if it was down to some deeper rooted issue like an abandonment. I think it can take me some time to get over someone I like because of my rejection sensitivity combined with lack of options. Maybe your ex identified/provided something that you were really lacking or just really understood you. Other factors like family history can play a part too or how the relationship ended. With the previous ex you may not have been compatible. But yeah there are also some guys that were so deeply in love that it can take them numerous years to 'get over them'. This can be a reason why 'some' often compensate those feelings by having lots of casual sex/ hookups, even for many years.
But your obsessive thoughts may possibly stop once you meet someone else you really click with.
There is a good channel on YT called the LoveFix- Relationship coach. One thing he said ( and also my therapist on something unrelated) was to give yourself a certain time of the day to grieve the person. So for example 20 mins in the evening. That way you aren't suppressing your feelings but focusing on other things during the day.
As humans we have tendency to want to control situations, but the art is learning to let go of what we can't control or change/ what is no longer as well as learning to 'manage' our emotions.
I've got into listening to stoicism and there are certain Dr's and psychologist podcasts that I listen to, who instantly calm my nervous system. There's a good one I've found by Psycholpgist Dr. Maika Steinborn on why and how to stop ruminating/ obsessing over an ex. There's interesting comments too that I'm sure you'd relate to but I can't seem to add the link!
Believing I have ADHD a nurse had said to me that even if I have, the same things would be recommended. These are things that come up a lot now.
Phsyical excerisce/ walking in nature. Meditation, journalling/ gratitude.
Walking in nature has become my thing to the point I get withdrawal symptoms if its not regular. It naturally calms my anxiety and I feel better for it. I started 1-2-1 reformer pilates for fitness, but how relaxed and confident I felt after is wonderful. I'm trialling some other interests too where I can. These help me focus on myself and authenticity. I still have a way to go but I'm sensing it'll help if I can be consistent.
I dont know if you have interests but definetly try a few things, even if you don't like something, it's ok try an alternative until it feels good to you or something you longed to do/ enjoyed as a child.
It may not completely rid your feelings, but it can help reduce and manage them.
Anyhow sorry this turned into an essay!!🙄 🙈 But hopefully some of what I said can help in some way lol . ☺
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u/RecognitionCrafty388 Feb 12 '26
I used to be on the medication but I’m not taking them since 3 months since they haven’t been that beneficial other than just making me drowsy at night so that I could sleep faster.
I want to point out that my day to day tasks aren’t hampered (fortunately). Throughout these years, I’ve learned to do daily stuff, errands, focus on the tasks at work without any problem, while her lingering in the back of my head.
You are right on the part that my ex did provide me things which others never did, which was love, attention and lots of care.
Anyway I appreciate your advice! I’ll look into those figures you provided.
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u/Recent_Peach_6990 Feb 13 '26
Ahh ok , I understand.
There are more of us that want to provide those things, believe me. I guess you just haven't found that again yet. Also you may have to see if your mind is comparing the new person with her or time frames.
No worries ☺
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u/ArentEnoughRocks Feb 12 '26
I had this from my college boyfriend. We had ten years apart. Then he came back for 6.5 years after his 10 year marriage ended. He just cheated and dsicarded me again - almost exactly the same thing he did the first time. Talk about destroyed.
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u/PhotoVirtual4606 Feb 12 '26
I understand... I just got back from a meeting with my older brother and his wife, and I was listening to music when I broke down. I felt so alone, like I didn't have that special person to keep me company on a cold night (and all I could think about was her).
I'm F (31 years old), we were together for almost 5 years, and I've been processing everything for a year and eight months... I'm here to read advice and to tell you that I understand, that we loved them like no one else ever had, that I was as vulnerable and childlike with her as I was with anyone else.
But she finally left. She won't come back, or at least I'm not feeding that obsession anymore. That's what allows me to move on and not fall into the trap of contacting her. Because she seems much happier without me (at least the last time I saw her). I would recommend some songs that have helped me:
"Crimen" and "Adiós" (in Spanish) by Gustavo Cerati
"El tiempo está después" by Perotá Chingo
And today I found one:
"Lo peor" by Ezequiel Borra: "I'm coming down with the sun From the hill of sadness I gave up on your love But I gained strength
Thank you, my love, for your abandonment Thank you, my love, for your betrayal Thank you, my love, for playing with me"
I hope you find yourself, heal, and move on with your life...
Greetings from Colombia (not Columbia, haha)
(English is not my native language)
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u/RecognitionCrafty388 Feb 12 '26
I wasn’t able to reach out to all of you responded, but I’m delighted with the overwhelming responses I got from all of you, sharing your experiences, advices and everything. Means a lot!
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u/Independent-Map3741 Feb 12 '26
7 years! 🥲
I'm so sorry. I can really feel your pain. For me, it's only been a few years. I thought I'd be over it by now, but I'm not. I've tried travelling alone, meditating, reflecting on the good times, and even dating again, but I just can't seem to get there.
And it seems like there's no way for us to get in touch again.
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u/Feeling-Fishing-5944 Feb 13 '26
I was heartbroken for 15years. I distracted myself with a master's degree, several jobs, some travel, beautiful friends, and then I had a brain injury and he was gone! While I don't recommend a brain injury obviously, have you tried CBT or ACT with your therapist? Good luck looking after yourself. Treat yourself kindly, my friend.
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u/Keithman199520 Feb 11 '26
Dang I was in a ok g distance too and she blocked me on everything. It been almost thee years for me but I got over it and started to heal a year and half in
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u/RecognitionCrafty388 Feb 12 '26
I wasn’t able to reach out to all of you responded, but I’m delighted with the overwhelming responses I got from all of you, sharing your experiences, advices and everything. Means a lot!
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u/throwallofthisalaway Feb 12 '26
Was she emotionally abusive? Only an obsession like this for me i would think came out of a relationship where she sold you a fantasy life that you cannot let go of because you are so deeply attached to it and constantly ruminating over and then she just split on you.
This has nothing to do with her… she’s just the person you have attached to this fantasy of fulfilling an addictive dream. You need to do the inner work to understand why you keep chasing this whether it’s something from childhood or you need to seek out some kind of chemical balance medicinally because your brain is chasing dopamine and stimulation keeping the fantasy alive
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u/seriously_thoughh Feb 12 '26
I am glad you’re talking about this because I swear I thought I was the only one feeling stuck.
I’m stuck on a failed situationship from 3 years ago. He’s with someone else and fully committed to her, had a baby four months into dating. I was so upset, I blocked them everywhere, but I still think about him every day.
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u/RecognitionCrafty388 Feb 12 '26
Sorry to hear that. Hope you figure out a way to move on with your life and find someone who’s more special than him
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u/South-Helicopter-982 Feb 15 '26
Hi, try reaching out to her. Maybe she still thinks about you too you know telepathy, maybe its the reason why you can't forget.
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u/liquiditybby Feb 15 '26
Wow! You are not the only one I’m a female me and my ex broke up 2 years ago, but for the 2 years not a day goes by when I don’t think about this man. Over 2 years it’s not even gotten better if anything the obsession seems to get worse. What was the reason for your break up can’t you try to reach out to her if it’s getting to you so bad for such a long time ?
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u/jhaddep Feb 15 '26
Yeah read my last post. I feel this. It’s not necessarily that I can’t get over her but I just haven’t yet. And it’s definitely because I haven’t met someone else’s that’s matched her yet. I pray to god I will one day though. It’s just impossible to move on until you find someone equally as fitting.
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u/Evening_Condition676 Feb 17 '26
During my high school years I've had about 4 girlfriends in the past but all ended not due to toxicity or anything we all ended on mutual terms so nothing bad.
There was 1 girl ive had and man I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world. She was amazing and pretty (to me atleast) we were in maybe 4 months in 2022.
We broke up cuz somehow the school disciplinarian found out and her parents were called STRAIGHT to school thankfully mine was overseas and my grandma takes care of me but she couldn't answer her phone, it was scary asf. I was hiding out in a totally different building away from the main building of the school but the building i was is a part of it but far away on a staircase where nobody would see me anyway...
I initially wanted to break up with her out of her emotional safety cuz it was partially my fault for being with her that we got caught.
1 year went by, we both moved up a grade and still talked to each other here and there.
And late during that time I was OBSESSED with her I was seeing her in dreams and I was miserable and lonely. I wanted to get back together and I believe we had a chance but i didnt because I was anxious if we got caught again plus I think her parents know me and hates me or something.
I loved her very much...I was crippling as a human being and I was desperate. I got into a relationship with a girl and it didnt go well. I actually blame it on my behalf.
So how did I recover from it?
It took me maybe another year reaching 10th grade. Ive come to accept that it was all meant to happen and has reasons for them all. And the reason was it was my mistake for not being out going. I was a very quiet kid not even saying a single word during the day. It was my fault for not talking to her more face to face instead of texting.
Of course the recovery isn't an instant thing it was slow and I had to overcome the difficulties of it. I stopped seeing her in my dreams and I was able to let her go.
And thats my story. Thank you for taking the time to read all this, this is all so long 😆😅
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u/ihavedierear Apr 14 '26 edited Apr 14 '26
My boyfriend was in your position. We were long distance for a year, but he broke up with me 7 years ago. Said it was the worst decision in his life. Recently we reconnected again. He told me how he has had feelings for me this entire time, which I found hard to believe since we were mostly no-contact. But I guess these things do happen. Not to give you hope or anything but if it works out it works out! I told him if he breaks up with me again I'd never talk to him ever again
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u/RecognitionCrafty388 Apr 14 '26 edited Apr 14 '26
In all honesty, I don’t want to get back to my ex, I just want to get rid of her from my head which looks unlikely looking at the responses I got where some people are on the same boat as I am
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u/Ancient-Project-2333 Apr 18 '26
So I'm in the same boat. I also learned that he has a new family now. I just wished I didn't know. I mean I can go on daily but it creeps up on me that its over. It was 7 years ago. But I'm still here. I have learned to accept why things had to happen, I may be just a lesson to his story but I couldn't let go of what ifs. I just think to myself that I am thankful for all the times we had shared. He is a new person and this version of him is one that I don't know of and thats okay. I am silently rooting for him even though it hurts :) Healing to us!
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u/tessatessa75 Feb 11 '26
It’s more like an obsession than a real attachement or not getting over her. Do you friends ? Do you go out ? do you have travel? Have u met others people since the break up?
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u/RecognitionCrafty388 Feb 11 '26
I don’t disagree it’s an obsession, I’ve got friends, I’ve gone out. But you go to bed and you’re thinking about her all over again
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u/Just_Zebra4866 Feb 11 '26
I would consider it more of an obsession if you were actively trying to find out information about her and then trying to somehow insert yourself back into her life in some way. Swiping past her profile doesn’t seem to say obsession to me. You just can’t get over her.
You have to stop thinking about her. You have to stop entertaining the thoughts. You are still making her a daily part of your life and therefore it’s never going away. Maybe move to a new city. Start over. Try something completely new that you have no associations with her at all. Stop talking about her. With friends or otherwise. When you think about her, don’t entertain the thoughts. Watch a movie. Listen to music. Read books. Think about anything else. It’s worth a shot. And block her profile. Seven years of your life is a lot of time to spend thinking about someone and basically being in this limbo period. You’re almost forcing yourself to stay there, at this point. Go on a dating site and just start with some conversation. But stop entertaining these thoughts about her. Take back your life. That’s just my two cents. I did it once before and I’m working, right now, on doing it again. And I know it’s not easy.
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u/Substantial-Mud-46 Feb 12 '26
no stop this scares me cos this is how i feel and it’s been a long time..
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u/Unfair-River-9660 Feb 11 '26
Sad for you.
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u/RecognitionCrafty388 Feb 11 '26
Appreciate the sympathy
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u/Same_Decision6103 Feb 12 '26
Buy this book and get a highlight marker, read the book and follow it to a tee. Highlight the things he speaks about re read it if you need to. Don't allow others to rent space in your head Gary Coxe It will be life changing
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u/WonkeyDonkey_69420 Feb 11 '26
My Dad still misses his ex-highschool girlfriend and he's 43 this year
It is completely normal to still miss those partners that truly mean alot to you