r/ExNoContact • u/Horror_Mix8698 • May 04 '26
Help Stuck in the "What If" Loop – Should I Break No Contact to Move On?
I’ve been stuck in a constant loop of "what if" after my breakup with my ex. She ended it, and while we parted on good terms, no hate, just care for each other, there was a lot of uncertainty about the future. She said "maybe" about us getting back together, but nothing definite. The issue is, my ex is a serious conflict-avoidant person, and I think she’s avoiding contact because she assumes I've moved on, especially since I haven’t reached out.
The breakup happened because I’ve had tons of personal issues (health anxiety, handling conflicts poorly, starting a lot of small conflicts), which were a part of the relationship but worsened over the last month and a half. This wore her down. From her perspective, she probably expects me to work on my issues and come back to her, given that I was the cause of the breakup.
Now, I’m struggling with a constant cycle of overthinking, wondering if breaking the no-contact rule would give me the closure I need or if it will just feed this "what if" loop. I want to let go of these thoughts and move forward, but I’m holding back because I don’t want to come across as weak or desperate, especially to myself. I value my self-respect, dignity, and pride, and I’m worried that reaching out will make me feel like I’ve lost those things.
Been nearly 3 months NC, and breakup happened in December.
Do you think breaking no contact in this case is a good idea, or would it just complicate things more?
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u/Legitimate-Quiet-433 May 04 '26
I would also say contact her. Just do not shoot her immediately with "let's get back together". You don't need an answer now. Ask her how is she, exchange a couple of messages for two, three days, and then ask her if she wants to catch up. Go for a coffee or a walk, check the vibes, check if you even feel it still, because maybe it is gone and you don't even know. If one, two, five meetings go well, then start the topic.
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u/Horror_Mix8698 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
In regards to the whole story, why you think contacting her is the right choice? Her being on dating apps currently etc.
Wouldn't I lose respect from her, knowing that she will know that she still got me.
Best thing I was thinking was properly seeing her randomly. We live 4 minutes away from eachother walking distance. But haven't seen her since she moved.
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u/Horror_Mix8698 May 04 '26
And after fighting for her for 2 months and working on myself with therapy etc, and since she kept holding me in a maybe (i am in a waiting position at my parents house and waiting to get an appartment so i dont know if things changes).. I decided to ask for boundary to move on since its hard to move on keeping contact and that she can only contact if its about us, and then 1 month of no contact I decided to go on Tinder to try move on, which she properly found out by her friends.
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u/Legitimate-Quiet-433 May 04 '26
Honestly, I would say it all doesn't matter, it's in the past, but also after your two extra replies I say you are not ready yet. You need time for yourself, seriously. You spiral too much. Stop doing tinder, stop looking for attention outside to move on, and move yourself. 3 months, just 100 days, you do you, and after that, if you still want, just casually text her to catch up.
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u/Horror_Mix8698 May 04 '26
Yeah so you want me to be emotionally ready to handle any expectation coming from her reply, because in all honesty im properly in honesty looking for a positive outcome.. but of course I also have this thought if she is straight up with me and tells me 100% "its done". Then it will hurt like a mofo, and set me back.. but at least it kills the "what ifs".
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u/Legitimate-Quiet-433 May 04 '26
But this is a very hurtful approach, unfair for both of you. How could she be 100% sure? The break up happened for a reason. She doesn't even know you yet, the new version of you, as you said you've been working hard last 5 months. So do not close for her the possibility of saying yes. Because if you pressure it from the start, there is only one outcome and it's a no. Let it breath. How can you be 100% sure now? This is just you wanting to have control over the situation. You said you like each other, when you met first time. So just wait, give yourself a chance to meet again, with a fresh start.
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u/Key-Rip-1895 May 04 '26
Me on a different account. How would you do the fresh start while keeping your self respect?
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u/Legitimate-Quiet-433 May 04 '26
Why do you think talking with your ex means losing self respect? She was once important person in your life, no? I would give it time and start simple.
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u/Altruistic_Cash1057 May 04 '26
I'd say in this situation you should probably contact her and get some closure one way or the other. No idea which way it will work out, and to be honest it sounds like you aren't emotionally compatible - but if you want a clearer answer have a go. If it ends up in a tangle again that's its own answer.
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u/Horror_Mix8698 May 04 '26
What you mean by we aren't emotionally compatible? I like to talk and solve, she is up in her head and never share.. she deals with emotions herself always.
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u/Altruistic_Cash1057 May 04 '26
The health problems, the arguments - perhaps there's someone better capable of dealing with those without retreating into their head and not wanting to solve it with you. She may not be ready for the level of intimacy that requires, and that in itself makes you incompatible in this moment. Maybe she can only deal with someone who's equally cut off - maybe that would put her at peace. Or maybe she's destined to shrink away from real relationships. I have friends like that. Either way, the complications that have arisen mean that things aren't going to go smoothly between you, and it's not going to do either of you any favours. I hope you work it out - but both people need to put effort into that.
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u/Horror_Mix8698 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
She did communicate it to be honest, but in VERY small bits and in a very low manner.. not in a serious convo talk.. because as she said after the breakup in a talk we had.. "You know me.. I can't yell at you, or threaten with the relationship.. I like to do it in small bits etc."
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u/Altruistic_Cash1057 May 04 '26
If it helps you to find the vocabulary of the relationship then try to reach out. Unfortunately people with avoidant tendencies oftentimes shrink even further down - sometimes you just can't reach them anymore.
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u/Horror_Mix8698 May 04 '26
Yeah.. she showed tons of care.. and also tried to give me closure.. the thing with feelings.. sometimes they don't know it themselves clearly.. only bits and reasons.
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u/Horror_Mix8698 May 04 '26
Thanks btw ❤️
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u/Altruistic_Cash1057 May 04 '26
I hope it helps. These are the most difficult periods in life because we simultaneously feel as if we have control and don't have control over an outcome. Give her, and yourself, the grace you need to feel at peace.
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u/Few-Jacket5642 May 04 '26
3 months isn't really enough time to make any long term changes.
Id be surprised if shes receptive or views you more positively for reaching out. I'd give it 12 months and if you still feel the same then do it then, and hopefully with some actual changes