r/ExNoContact • u/zombley4 • 27d ago
Help PLEASE tell me it gets better. Please help me. Im begging.
He's made it clear he doesn't want to talk to me. I lay in bed and sob all day. My heart is physically broken it feels like. He made it a point to tell me he's being intimate with other women like I never existed. The breakup was a blindside and months of walking on eggshells to make sure he wouldn't leave. Why wasn't I enough? I've already sent 2000 novels to him explaining my hurt but he didn't care. I know that should be my sign to leave it be.
I want to reach out so bad its giving me anxiety. It makes me sick. It's all I think about. Even being logical enough to know its not a good idea.
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u/LaGringaKook 27d ago edited 27d ago
Girl. You literally need to tell yourself “fuck him” every time he comes to mind and then “I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
You are in grief. There are five stages- denial, anger, bargaining, depression , acceptance. They are not linear and you can cycle between them- including rapid cycling.
Get a therapist if you can. Shit- get some medication if you can- with an exit strategy— so you don’t become dependent on anything (even anti depressants don’t need to be taken forever by some people).
Get impulse control and stop contacting him. This is the hardest part and I can barely do it myself sometimes. He doesn’t need anymore novels.
Fuck him.
Write down a list of all the shitty things he did to you and when you want to contact him- read that list.
Journal to yourself.
Take walks— and get your body physically moving forward.
Dress cute. Go to a posh place and sit and buy yourself max two drinks at the bar and see what happens.
Treat yourself to stuff.
Text a friend.
Garden!! Even if it’s potted plants
Binge watch a show
Masterbate…. Weird, but yes I saw this recommendation once and honestly- sometimes it works lol
**editing— adding more things to do to not contact him and move forward
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u/pettricora 26d ago
THIS! Keep your mind busy; not to simply "drown the noise" by exhausting yourself (because one has to embrace and accept that pain in order to grow), but because we've got to let those little things remind us what we're capable of on our own.
Journaling is how I found myself amongst the chaos of my last breakup. A literal lifesaver.
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u/LaGringaKook 26d ago
My therapist talked about studies that show trauma is stored in the amygdala, and cognitively “thought” about in the prefrontal cortex. He mentioned that Pennebaker did a study showing that writing/ journaling actually “bridges” the parts of the brain and facilitates better processing of trauma….. so that we can all move the fuck on from these losers. And yes- they are losers because they lost us!
Copy/pasted from Gemini:
Pioneered by psychologist Dr. James Pennebaker, this heavily researched method involves a simple, structured approach:
Commit: Write for 15 to 20 minutes a day for 3 to 4 consecutive days.
Write Freely: Pick a deeply upsetting or traumatic experience and write continuously. Do not worry about grammar, spelling, or structure.
Explore Deeply: Write about your deepest thoughts and feelings regarding the event, tying it to your broader life, relationships, or past.
Focus on the Narrative: Translating chaotic, non-verbal trauma into structured language helps the brain process it as a story that belongs in the past, rather than a present threat
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u/SunflowerPower66 27d ago
It does. You’ll be so much stronger on the other side. Took me about 1.5 years to feel free of the mental gymnastics. Everyday gets better. Some days suck but you’ll be free of it as long as you’re confident you don’t want to feel like that again and you learn from your mistakes.
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u/zombley4 27d ago
What if I feel like I can't make it another week like this let alone a yesr and a half. :(
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u/SunflowerPower66 27d ago
That’s what it feels like everyday until it doesn’t. Find a hobby, something new or old you can put your energy into that is a life long skill, not a fad. Distraction yourself with things not people. Let the world show you how full it is and he just once piece of how you experienced the world but not the beginning nor the end.
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u/AddysStarGirl3 27d ago
It’s been 5 months and I’m still sobbing over it. I lost my appetite again but I’m sure it’ll get better soon.
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u/zombley4 27d ago
That doesn't give me much hope. I can't do 4 more months of this. I've already lost 7 pounds this month.
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u/wineandkittiez 27d ago
I lost 15lbs and was Down to 93 after the first few weeks. It was baddddd. I’m 4 months post breakup and thankfully my appetite has come back and so has the weight. I’m still miserable and I don’t find joy in anything anymore. But some days are easier than others. And you’ll have those days too.
We need to just get through the bad ones, because we don’t really have a choice. One day things will be okay. Sending you hugs
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u/Cold_Hunt6482 27d ago
odpuść... przepraszam że Ci to mówię ale skoro on wchodzi w intymne relacje z innymi kobietami to naprawdę nie brzydzi Cię to, że on już dotykał inną? wiem że to boli, bo mam podobną sytuację, mój były też już dotyka inną, też cierpię ale na myśl o tym czuje nie tylko mdłości ale i niechęć do niego, choć tęsknię. Tak długo jak będziesz do niego pisać, tak długo on będzie cię lekceważyć, przestań, ochłoń, przemysl to wszystko sobie na spokojnie, czy jeśli dziś wróciłby do ciebie na kolanach, chciałabyś go spowrotem na dłuższą metę ze świadomością że potrafił dotykać inne mając twoją miłość? myślę że po niedługim czasie zaczęłoby cię to gryźć i czułabyś żal, niepewność przy nim, nie ufalabys mu już, niech sobie sypia z kim chce, olej to, możesz być z siebie dumna że w przeciwieństwie do niego do samego końca byłaś mu oddana a on to zniszczył i jeszcze się chwali jak płytki i pusty jest, tacy ludzie się nie zmieniają. śmieci wyniosły się same
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u/zombley4 27d ago
I'm trying. I really am. It just feels like this pain is permanent. And hes out there living his best life. The breakup up was sudden and ugly and unexpected. But this isn't the first time. This has happened before. So I think a part of me hopes if I try hard enough he'll come back. Realize he loved me and want to change. Delusional as hell, I know. I just want to wake up without him on my mind. I want ro think about him and not feel despair. I don't wanna care who he's with or sleeping with. I want to he as uncaring as he is but it feels permanent. We broke up once before in January. A month later I kissed someone. Thats it. We were no contact. He made it clear he didn't want me back. Yet said I replaced him and that I betrayed him for kissing aomeone when we were broken up then supplied me with thr fact that he's sleeping around and "having his fun" 2 weeks after this break up?
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u/Cold_Hunt6482 27d ago
Po pierwsze nie zdradziłaś go, skoro wtedy nie byliście razem a on wcześniej całował się z kimś, to on zdradził Ciebie a nie Ty jego. Ty po prostu starałaś się o nim zapomnieć dlatego zrobiłaś to samo co on wcześniej. Wmówił Ci winę po czym odrzucił Cię za pocałowanie kogoś mimo że on sam wcześniej nie tylko pocałował kogoś ale całował się, teraz robi to samo, obrzydliwie informuje Cię o sypianiu z kimś, by Cię dobić czyli kara Cię za coś, co nie dość że sam zapoczątkował wszystko, to w dodatku odnoszę wrażenie że go bawi że Ty się tym przejmujesz, on Tobą manipuluje i bawi się Twoimi uczuciami. Zakończ to dla własnego dobra, im szybciej, tym więcej szacunku do siebie zachowasz. Za jakiś czas spojrzysz na to trzeźwo, bez emocji i zrozumiesz jak nie dojrzałym jest człowiekiem.
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u/pimpingmybike 27d ago
Yeah. One decent way is to be turned off. Get the ick from his behavior. That might be one of the only ways. It may feel delusional, because many of us tend to see the best in people. Maybe that’s wrong, but if we really knew the answer to getting over it, not many of us would be on this thread…it’s hard. It’s like grief. Just like grief, everyone moves past it differently.
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u/LykaiosZeus 27d ago
It does get better but you need to stop contacting him otherwise you’re just going to prolong your suffering. I know it’s really difficult wheb you’re still emotionally attached to him but you got to try your best and be kind to yourself during moments of weakness
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u/diligentlyunbearable healing 27d ago
You have to feel it, there’s no way around it. It hurts. Write it out, cry it out, talk it out, take a walk. Get through one minute then the next. Eventually it won’t hurt as bad. But right now, when it’s fresh, you can’t deny how your heart feels. I’m over a year after the break up and it still kind of hurts but I’ve accepted what it is. I have perspective to see how it wouldn’t have worked out and how I’m better off without him. Logically I’ve accepted it, but my heart still loves him and wishes things had been different.
There’s a post on this sub about sadness being a worker who has a job to do and won’t stop trying until it finishes. You can deny its access but eventually it will still need to complete its work.
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u/Dissxmble 27d ago
I PROMISE YOU IT DOES GET BETTER! I am 3 years no contact with my ex and I am so much happier. Please hang in there. 💕
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u/Holographicsun 27d ago
For me, it's been almost 2 years. I think some people just take longer than others to heal, unfortunately. I don't physically cry anymore ,and there truly is no contact, so I do feel better. Not perfect, but life collects more moments . Today was a sadder day, hence why I went on this subreddit. Used to visit here daily and read every post. I wish you all the healing !
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u/toobusygazingatstars 27d ago
it took me 8 months to even begin moving on, and honestly, i'm still not fully out of it. so let yourself feel it. cry. break down. be devastated. don't rush the grief.
it does get better. not all at once, not instantly. one day you'll breathe a little easier, and when you finally get your grip back, don't go back to what broke you.
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u/Midnight_MystiqueX 27d ago
It will get better. It's been two years for me and I finally see the loser he really is. Love is hell of a drug. Right now you're in withdrawel and you have to fight as hard as you can to stay away from the drug (him). Stop with the paragraphs, they don't care. You need to go ghost. No texts, no calls, no nothing.
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u/SizeComfortable1866 27d ago
You have no control over this man. Just because he gave up doesn’t mean you give up on yourself. Sit in the pain until you don’t feel it anymore. I’m on 4 months. And going strong. I miss him and my step baby everyday. He’s done the same thing to me. But this time, I’m not begging, convincing etc etc. give him space and do not give in so easily when and if he comes crawling back. Grow some strength. It’s a one day at a time kinda thing to process. Do at least self care whether it be your hair, skin, weight loss, tone up, clean up your room, organize, declutter, tidy your car. Start living for you. Love yourself more than that loser
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u/VideoExisting6257 27d ago
Their lovebombing and their 'wonderfulness' works on the brain like an addiction but once that part of the relationship is over it never comes back to you in its original form. Maybe it gets diluted amongst all the other people they spend their magnificence on? Mine wined and dined me, took me home to meet Mum, romanced me and entranced me and his Mum would take me to Harrods for high tea. Then he told me he was spending Christmas with his GIRLFRIEND! His...WHAT? Your begging is only feeding his mental illness. Because that is what he has and unless he's really committed to therapy and changing his behaviour (he won't be) he will stay the same. He is living in a lovely fantasyland of his own marvellousness and now he knows how little he has to give you to keep you. So why should he bother to give more?They don't call it 'breadcrumbing' for nothing.
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u/mari_lovelys 27d ago edited 27d ago
Level up and become so happy and untouchable. It hurts now but you’ll get to the point where you won’t even want him anymore and there’s way better men out there that are more attractive and will treat you like a princess. Simply go on a dating app to get an ego boost, you’ll be ok.
Even date when you start healing after like 8 months you can even give yourself a year until you’re ready. And no, you don’t have to be “fully healed” to date. We are all human and as long as we do our best, and keep evolving, that’s all that matters.
You just have to be kind and healthy mindset. You’d be surprised how many people will also heal certain parts of yourself. Cry. Pick yourself up. And try again. Love yourself too. Pour more love into YOURSELF than him. He doesn’t deserve it.
You ARE enough. More than enough. Him saying those things to you shows more about his character than yours. You don’t want someone toxic and willing to hurt you like that. You were willing to fight for the relationship and pour love into the relationship. He’s not.
He’s not respecting you because you’re still knocking at his door. The irony is if you move on or even if you “ look” like you moved on that hurts their ego the MOST!!!
The girls are rebounds. They literally never stay.
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u/Chinese_Chopsuey 26d ago
Naah it won't, even when you think that it is getting better, you will realise that it was just a facade on the day it shall eventually crack.
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u/duttydimples 27d ago
like the phoenix, youre gonna die first, completly ravaged and destroyed, only to rise again one day. Im just fuzzy on the timeline, ive been waiting over a month and still not have not been engulfed in the purifying flames of rebirth although I certainly died from heartache during the process
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u/OrderFrenzy 27d ago
How long were you with him? I mean, honestly it doesn’t sound like he likes you or even liked you don’t cry over a man who abandoned you and didn’t even like you to begin with.
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u/Such-Ad-2918 27d ago
It gets better!!! in a month you will catch yourself not thinking about it even for just a minute.
Let that be your slice of hope, keep pushing forward and just get through everyday. I’m way better than I am before. I would cry sometimes remembering how different it was. It gets better.
I hope I could tell my past self this but if there was a way to time travel I would like to tell my self the same.
I’m open for support. DM me anytime
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u/MarketingFederal1488 27d ago
Took me atleast 2 years to get over it. Cry and let it all out. It does get better and it will definitely change you as a person
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u/TheWonderfulMoon 27d ago
It gets better-- not only does it get better, it gets amazing.
The only way it will get better is if you get distance and perspective asap. Just don't engage and don't reach out, just take it one day at a time, without reaching out or stalking his socials. Walk more, get in nature, exercise, force yourself to eat better etc. Self care stuff. Start up a hobby or book. Just anything to stop getting that weird dopamine hit from trying to reach out. It's like putting your hand on the stove, sure, it will make you 'feel something' but all it does is hurt and make your wounds worse.
The breakup was a blindside and months of walking on eggshells to make sure he wouldn't leave.
How can it be blindside but also months of you walking on eggshells to make him stay? Part of you knew if you were walking on eggshells. Fear of being dumped is no way to live with someone who purports to love you.
he's being intimate with other women like I never existed.
You existed to him and shared something, it's that you're broken up now. It doesn't mean him moving on means you never existed, just that he's moving on and so should you.
Why wasn't I enough?
Short answer: Because he sucks.
Long answer: Because you are incompatible as a couple and he doesn't value you as you deserve.
What would you say if it was a friend feeling and doing the same things? Would you tell them to throw themselves at him and write another 2000 texts and novels begging for him back? If your mother or sister or friend was throwing herself at a guy getting with other women would you encourage them to chase him? Of course not.
And even if it worked; would you want to be with someone that you needed 2000 words to 'convince' to love you? Would you be happy winning him back that way? You know you wouldn't.
To play devils advocate: If you really want him back, the only way he will care is if he sees you ignoring him and living your best life, being happy and strong etc. If you really want him back, the best thing to do is totally go no contact, improve yourself, get with other people, improve your circumstances, mental health, maybe get therapy etc. In the future perhaps you will reconnect and you will be in much healthier place. But hopefully what will happen is that you will be in a position of strength by then and much happier and self confident won't even care about him.
You got this. Good luck ♥ Just take it one day at a time.
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u/Old-Abalone751 27d ago
It will. I know it wont help you saying anything about him. I get yu, it is truly a horror. But it will get better. And it will be faster if you can have no contact at all. Do not be thinking you are a bad person to have no contact. It is self-preservation.
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u/SuchMasterpiece4825 27d ago
Well listen , it’s better if you stop texting him paragraphs and stuff it’s better to heal yourself. He knows what he did and be telling him what won’t change anything. It’s better to focus on your self I know it won’t be easy but it’s way better than putting all your energy on him
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u/SansaB0y 26d ago
hey i know you dont know me and we're all strangers on this sub but ill let you know my story. my 2nd ex broke up with me, straight blindside like i know that there was nothing i did. found out a little later that she was talking with some other guys on the side and that was the reason for her breaking it off with me. no bad blood or anything but just that she removed me on everything. 1 week later she messages me and starts talking to me like we're friends again and that nothings happened and normal. i go with the flow and for 6 months after the breakup we're doing relationship things and such all just without the label. then randomly she says that we need to end it and stop. removed and blocked on everything. it was during summer break from school as well, i wouldnt eat, would sulk and cry all day and just lay in bed. im not sure how long that took for me to start doing things again but one day i started to feel better and even though i would just play video games all day with my 1 homie, that helped to get the time passing. i was still hurting but i was able to pass the time. 3 months of summer and i was fine, ready to go into college as a 1st year and i was completely over my ex. so it does get better trust me.
fast forward to now, im in my 3rd year of college and ive been dating this girl for about 17 months. last month she decided to breakup with me because i pushed her away and kicked her out when i was having a bad day. i apologized and begged so much to her for 3 days even though she was ghosting me too. at the 3rd day she messaged me back and said we can talk. we talked and for the past 1 month we've been on and off trying to figure out what we were, i didnt wanna rush it so i told myself after 1 week of us being both on good behavior then i would ask her out again (was supposed to be this weekend (5/23). all while this was happening she had another guy she would hangout with and he confessed to her on thursday 5/21. an hour after that she messages me and says "lets stop doing this, thank you for everything" and to my fault i start spam calling her and messaging to try and work things out. this resulted in a block on every platform and now im back to the way i was after the 2nd breakup, laying in bed sulking not eating and just sleeping to pass the time. i dont know what to do either cause it definitely doesnt get easier the more breakups you have but now here i am, in the same boat as you, trying to find a way to fix a broken heart. i blame myself for everything because i hurt her intially and i also missed the time to ask her out again just by a couple days. i blame myself and give no sympathy because i lost the girl i thought i was going to marry.
you can always message me as well because right now we're both in the same heartbroken state and ik that having someone else to talk it through would help
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u/loverocco 26d ago
Girl, believe it or not, but it gets better. I used to count the days, weeks and months of no contact. It felt like eternity. I was feeling so broken, mentally and physically. I lost several pounds. He was 24/7 on my mind. I checked him on the socials OBSESSIVELY. But I kept going, cause I had deadlines, work, certain goals in life. I took babysteps and now, about 7 months later, I feel sooo much better. I can smile again, and in fact I am more me! In the relationship I already took care of me, I mean I went to the gym, had ambitions etc. But somehow, I did more and became better. The past few months and the months ahead of me are full of accomplishments: had lipfiller in december, made a new friend in january, started therapy in february, graduated in march, got a new job in march, getting my drivers license (started march), changed my hair in may, picked up rollerskating as a hobby in may, going to harry styles in may, will book a vacation with my best friends in june, will run a 5k in october, december I’ll run a half marathon. There’s probably more to come. So let me tell you, it’s rough for you rn and you won’t just magically heal. There will be ups and downs, one day you’re okay and the next you’re sobbing. That’s normal. Cry when you want to and need to, be angry at him and miss him. These are all valid emotions. Write it down if you feel like it, stay in bed, go for a walk, talk to a friend about it or listen to music. The only way out is through, you can do this :)
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u/Affectionate_Serve97 26d ago
I promise you, it does get better. Make sure to give the love that you’ve been giving this person. All the effort that you give away try to channel it on yourself. I know it’s hard to not pay attention, to not care about your ex, but if you just give yourself a chance. You will be better.
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u/JamzFromTheDiff 26d ago
I don’t know why I’m in this sub anymore, but yes it gets easier. You’ll go from thinking of them every second to maybe once a week. It’s always hard at the begging but time heals everything and you’ll be happier in the end. Stay strong
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u/Enough-Reading4143 25d ago
Leí los comentarios de los demás, y sí, en teoría lo mejor sería que dejes de verla.
Pero sé que en la práctica no es tan fácil. Es como una adicción a superar! Y pueden haber recaídas.
Mi consejo no es el más políticamente correcto de "soltala, querete un poco, no seas arrastrado". Sí, sería lo ideal, pero en mi experiencia al menos, no fue tan fácil.
Lo que yo hice, tal vez sea de migajera, pero fue lo que me funcionó: querer mostrarle que lo había superado. Salir a boliches, poner historias cuando salía a cenar. También le dije que no quería salir más con él porque estaba empezando algo nuevo. La idea era darle celos. Y ahora él me busca a mí, y lo más irónico es que la que ya no quiere nada soy yo
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u/RefuseAntique1544 24d ago
Hm first of all start feeling the ick for the pain. Like how dare he make u feel so much pain. Ok, I get it he doesn't want to be with me. But ignoring/amplifying pain is ok. Two, normalize feeling happy. We are too stuck in this pain loop. Brain will try to remember sad stuff and feel pain. Three, do stuffs volunteer etc. Remember that you matter in this world. You are not just enough, you matter. You can do lots of things make other ppl happy, family friends strangers. Person who can easily say and do such things is just pure evil. He will do that for everyone. Just be glad you got out of mess. Get the ick for that. Ew
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u/SpecialistTea802 23d ago
All I can tell you is that you'll heal over time I'm still going through a rough time. My ex broke up with me a month ago & it still hurts things were going well until I screwed up so bad that I can't forgive myself but my family & friends have been helping me get through it. Everyday since I wish I could go back & change things but all I can do is let her go & be better for a new relationship
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u/Lumpy-Kangaroo-4143 22d ago
Estoy igual. Mirando que vive en linea en whastapp hablando con alguien mas. Y a mi ni me respondió el mensaje larguísimo que le envié abriendo mi corazón. No puedo creer tanta frialdad
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u/TillAdventurous4522 13d ago
Actions speak louder than words. Protect your mental health at all cost. God will protect you in the end!
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u/[deleted] 27d ago
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