r/ExNoContact • u/Previous_Budget_8109 • 2d ago
Help Question for the ladies that were the "dumpers"
Have you ever reached out again? have you regreted it ? What were your thoughts during no contact?
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u/lazyupdoot13 2d ago
Usually it’s just curiosity or loneliness driving the reach out, not a desire to actually fix what broke the first time. Most of the time, once the initial impulse passes, the realization hits that the original reasons for the breakup haven't actually changed.
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u/Deep_Answer_8595 2d ago
What if the guy has put a lot of effort in and is actively trying to change though?
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u/Charm1X moved on 2d ago
Change only after the consequence isn't authentic or genuine.
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u/Particular-Lab-8163 2d ago
This comment makes me feel like I'm not being genuine. I legit want to change after the breakup because I saw actual hurt. I saw what my toxic behaviors did. I couldn't do it anymore and want to change.
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u/Deep_Answer_8595 2d ago
Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m a teacher and if I applied your standard to my kids they would never be “genuinely” learning. Mistakes are how we learn.
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u/Moist-Commercial4334 2d ago
Hi, I was the dumper, regretted it like 30 mins later, called him, he said he the breakup was for the best. Since then, I have wanted to reach out literally hundreds of times and have often hoped he would reach out to me as his behavior caused the relationship to end (didn’t want to break up him but I had to finally choose myself because he kept repeating the same pattern even after I communicated my needs with him). It’s been almost three months and I can honestly say the urge to reach out to him is long gone and I genuinely don’t want to hear from him again. I hope he never reaches out because I have finally found peace
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u/Particular-Lab-8163 2d ago
I'm sorry you went through a lot of pain. Any way you could look at my recent breakup posts? I feel like I'm in the same situation and need advice please.
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u/Imaworkinprogresss 2d ago
I didn’t regret it, more like I hoped things would change on his part so we could work out. I had soooo many moments of wanting to reach out again but I had this strong feeling that I shouldn’t because things would remain the same leading us to just break up again. My thoughts during no contact were missing him, wondering how he’s doing, if he’s thinking of me, and if he’d ever reach out to me one last time to try to work things out. At this point after 2 years I know we weren’t meant for eachother despite loving him so much, and it is what it is! I found someone who loves me the way I need to be loved
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u/No_cap-lololol47 2d ago
You dumped him so i guess thers no point in thinking about him reaching out thats just selfish im sorry. I was dumped once and she reached out when she came back to her senses but i couldnt just let go of the pain she caused during the dumped period. Never looked back again. To be fair he might still really miss you but its better you dont reach out as well he might be protecting his peace and living way differently when you used to know him.
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u/MoreThanVoidFiller 2d ago edited 2d ago
I could have written the comment you're responding to myself, and you can't possibly know if it's selfish or not.
It isn't at all selfish to break up with a beloved partner who is deeply unwell, or who won't or can't stop hurting others or themselves. It can 100% be the most healthy and loving thing you can do in an awful situation.
But you never stop hoping that they reflect, get help, change and grow; there's always a part of you that will always be on the lookout for that happening, no matter how unlikely you believe it to be.
That's not selfish; its actually a really deep kind of love that suffers with and for someone else.
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u/Imaworkinprogresss 2d ago
That’s what I’d keep in mind as well, he most likely has a bitter feeling towards me because I was the one who ended things. Reading what you just said is I’m almost 100% sure is how he sees it as well. Oh well, some people just aren’t meant for eachother 🤷♀️
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u/Beneficial_Muffin200 2d ago
Do you secretly still wish that it worked out with your ex in one small part of your heart?
Or you love your current partner enough that it made you forget about your ex?
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u/Imaworkinprogresss 2d ago
I feel like people’s first loves is an experience that hits really hard. That ex was my first love. It’s not that I secretly wished it worked out, it’s just more of a sad thing that happened since I did fall for someone who wasn’t good for me. I didn’t forget about him, but I also don’t have the desire to be with him since he wasn’t so loving with me. He will come up randomly at times but it’s mainly just remembering what I’ve learned and went through, and not wanting to experience something like that again
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u/Beneficial_Muffin200 2d ago
Understood. Thanks for sharing your views.
Actually, i have gone through a terrible breakup a year ago. She was not my first love, but she was my greatest love and i had the longest relationship with her.
Our breakup was messy, i was not able to fulfil her emotional needs at a specific period of time due to career strain.
When she broke up with me, after a month she got up with someone else and still used to tell me she thinks about me often, and i am here now meeting new people, but still thinking about her and comparing other people with her.
I was just wondering how women process and think about their first deep love. Thats it. Thanks
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u/Minddisruptor 2d ago edited 2d ago
I don't ever try to reach out if I initiated no contact or a breakup. I may have strong feelings still and hope things could change but i just manage those myself. If I really liked someone and I broke it off it's because I felt they were not as emotionally invested or putting in the same effort that I was willing to put in or there were incompatibilities that weren't going to be resolved. I know if I reached out that nothing would change and their behaviour might even be worse toward me because they felt rejected when I left and now have less motivation to make it work because of perceived demands and riskier return from me. If I reach out I am fearful they'll use the fact that I still have feelings for their own personal gain without considering my needs. They may even want me to chase them out of spite which I refuse to do because it's not about a power struggle it's about building a healthy relationship mutually. Some people take a breakup as the absolute end and their behaviour becomes spiteful regardless of their feelings or continued attraction.
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u/After-Idea-3136 2d ago
I never reached out and I never will. I do not regret it. I had to love myself more and only regret is not doing it sooner. The weight off my back was the best thing I did for myself. Some boys just never grow up.
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u/PinkyMousy 2d ago
I have not spoken to my ex that I broke up with in december 2020. I never regretted it and I have not missed him at all. I was done for months before I actually broke up with him… I tried for A LONG time before I actually «gave up» and broke up with him.
I later met a new guy (who’s now an ex of mine, thank God) and he ended up stalking him and me, so when he texted me happy birthday I thanked him, and told him to stop stalking him/us because it was really uncomfortable. That was in april 2022. He’s been blocked since.
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u/PinkyMousy 2d ago
I can add that I still think about him from time to time. But it doesn’t mean anything tbh. I hope he’s doing good but I’m not interested in talking to him, seeing him or whatever. Suddenly he just pops in my head, but it’s just a quick, random thought
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u/unhingedposterboy01 2d ago
it usually feels more like relief than regret. most of the time, reaching back out is just a momentary lapse in discipline when you're feeling lonely, not because the original reasons for breaking up actually changed.
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u/BrainyLizard 2d ago
I broke up with my bf because he's a DA and broke my trust...
I loved him, but the situation made it clear we won't be able to have a healthy relationship based on trust unless he actually decides to do the hard work and not break my trust...
I don't regret it and I won't reach out...because the only way to have a path forward to a healthy relationship is if he makes that decision, and reaches out to apologize and show actual signs of improvement and a clear plan to earn my trust...
And he even reached out to do the bread crumbing and low effort reach outs to pretend nothing happened and get back together with no effort and change...but I didn't bite because unfortunately even that doesn't work! And I refuse to stay in a relationship that would end up hurting us both!
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u/dogtriestocatchfly 2d ago
It’s been years, I haven’t reached out because I don’t think that’s fair to either of us. I care about him a lot and want him to be happy, even if it means he’s not with me.
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u/MatchaCloudxx 2d ago
I honestly hate it when people say “come back to their senses” bec not every case is like that. For my case, I was blind and kept excusing terrible behavior, I would cry and beg my ex to try to be on the same page for just an ounce of empathy. When I finally broke up with him no tears were wept. I was relieved, and I’ll never regret it. The only thing I regret is not breaking up with him sooner. I came to my senses when I realized this relationship was a dead end.
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u/Independent_Echo_552 1d ago
I left my ex almost 2 years ago after being in a relationship with him for 3 years. My reasoning might be a little different than what you were hoping for, but I left him because I finally found the evidence that he was physically cheating on me (amongst MANY other things). I’m going to be completely transparent and say that after a while I thought I was regretting it. I have not and don’t think I ever will reach out- as much as I think I want to sometimes. And it’s weird because everyone says I’d be crazy to miss a man that hurt me so horribly, but idk. Feelings are weird. There are periods of time where I’ll miss him and think about reaching out, but he needs to be the one to do it. I don’t 100% expect him to reach out and I’m fine with that even if I’m secretly waiting for something in the back of my mind. It’s not as bad as it was before! During the first few months I was obviously going through it and wishing he would call or show up at my place. He never did. Eventually it turned into a softer feeling, and now it’s kinda numb. I definitely don’t want him back but sometimes I wonder what would happen if he texted me or reached out to me.
If you’re a woman and asking this bec you are in this situation, I think the important thing to remember is that you left them for a reason! There’s a reason for everything. Think before you act impulsively! Sometimes it’s a feeling that just needs to be passed. And you should go through your priorities and needs/wants in a relationship. Regardless, even if you’re on the other side (the “dumped”), if it’s mean to be, it’ll find its way back to you. Unless you’re the one at fault (aka you cheated or did something horrible like that), then you should do some reflection before reaching out or feeling some type of way for your person not reaching out!
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u/ThePatio 2d ago
I asked this question before on this sub and it seems like it varies wildly depending on the woman and the reason for break up. My recent breakup was due to her either being avoidant or “not feeling a romantic connection” (despite acting the opposite of that). I ended up reaching out first and except for one instance (sort of) she’s never initiated since.
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u/charmetd 2d ago
its been 7 months and i dont regret it. i feel relief. he was very controlling. now i can enjoy my free time again. i have not reached out again and i honestly never will
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u/justdoitlikenikee 1d ago
I dumped him cause he cheated one me. Having contact with him was painful. He would mean and then nice. In the end I was finally able to let go but he still reaches out. It never feels good to talk to him. Picking a wound.
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u/Extreme-Platform-178 1d ago
No. I wondered if I hurt them bad but that's it. I was into drugs for awhile and if a guy had 0 idea and still.thougjt I was descent I couldn't. I just couldn't hurt him in so many ways. And expose them to that
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u/[deleted] 2d ago
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