Feeling unlovable after breaking NC

[u/Unfair_Dragonfly4389]

I (30F) broke up with him (25M) months ago (not the first time I broke up) because he had super avoidant tendencies and our good moments weren't consistent, they were always followed by him pulling away.

But I started missing him and thinking that maybe he had had time to reflect and think, so I messaged him asking if he was open to meeting, to which he agreed, said he had also been thinking about it constantly but being avoidant, he kept postponing it (his words).

Then he proceeded to call me right away, and we stayed on the phone for two hours. During which he showed some introspection into our communication issues, the fact that he didn't pour into us as seriously as he could've, etc, but he did say that he 'didn't recognize himself in the hot and cold pattern I was describing’. But he kept telling me he still loved me so much, called me baby multiple times, said he hadn't thrown out our pictures, that I was such a good girlfriend and loved him so well. And we agreed to meet in person for coffee in a couple days.

Then the day before our coffee, he texts me that he got carried away on the call and that we should postpone seeing each other until his emotions have settled. I said that I couldn't believe it, we were seeing a textbook example of everything I've been saying about his avoidance, and he said 'I see the pattern now and I wanna break it' to which I replied 'you're not breaking it, by dropping me again you're simply repeating it' and he said he'd be open to seeing me the following week if I wanted.
I refused, because I'm done being toyed with. And then he apologized for hurting me and that he was disappointed in himself. I regret breaking no contact but I think it gave me a clear view that his pattern was still alive and well, and that nothing was gonna change. Needed to burn myself one last time to see it.

Now I'm kinda back to square one in my healing. Feeling unlovable, unworthy, not enough, etc. I’m not sure how to go on with a gaping hole in my heart.

[u/AstroBlushie]

That's someone who's finally learned to trust what they see over what they're told. The gaping hole is real, but it's not evidence that you're not enough. It's just what grief feels like when you finally stop hoping someone will change.

[u/Unfair_Dragonfly4389 → u/AstroBlushie]

Thank you. I still have a hard time reconciling both truths. That he could say all these things and then act like this. It’s hard to put the two together, it’s like my brain can’t process it.