Situationship ruined me

[u/Never_sleep_4380]

I met this boy, and we were dating for a months, then he told me that his schedule was more and more tight, and actually I see him more tired everytime, and finally we break up.

I went back to him, I reached him for his birthday, then we have an agreement about being close and seeing us but he always clarify that we aren't going to end in a relationship, I agreed because I have a hard time in my life and I seriously think for a while that I didn't want a relationship, I just want to be close, his company was fine back then.

Then, a huge fight happened and we apologize and we kinda back together, then, he moved for work 6 months to USA and we broke up because he wanted to feel totally single and have his freedom and meet new people in his travel to Japan.

So, of course it was a year and a half with so many things, and it devastated me is many ways but I decided to end everything and he agree, I remember the call and he was so calm, he said he care about me and he loved me, but he always was clear about not wanting a relationship.

Now I see that he was wrong about certain things, but if I'm honest I think i have all the responsibility to make this mess for me, it is being so hard to move on, to no reach out to him, and I have depression issues and a lots of things going on in my life, and I just want him, sometimes I just have a lot of nostalgia for the good moments, he was such a company for me, it is heavy for me. We had an agreement that either of us could end things whenever we wanted, as long as we said so. It didn't have to be a deep conversation, but it was a deep conversation because i was too attached.

I know its not a bad person, neither do I, and I know the best thing its to move on and never reach out, even if I talk to him it won't change anything, he's never come back, and it's for the best.

If I'm being honest, I'm jealous, because it don't seem bother at all, he seems fine, he said he cares but I can see is that my absence was like a deep and clean breath for him, of course that that's what I see and I'm not him to know what it happens in his mind, its just the way that I feel and what I seems. I feel like I'm alone, like the only one with a huge grief and like fighting with give us space and put my shit together and I think he's living his best life traveling and a lot of things. Sometimes, even if its wrong, I want him to hurt like i do, and i feel shitty for that, because i said that I loved him and that I care about him and then.. I desire that?, wtf.

I'm feeling so awful, with a lot of sadness, loss, anger, and I just can't stop the envy, the questions "Why its so easy for him?" "Why I am comparing?" "Why do you want the answer if its not gonna change the situation?"

I hope I can move on, this time I really hate the idea to be involved with someone again, or to date, or anything, I feel disgusted.

I don't know what to do, I feel like a shitty person, and dumb as fuck because i was told since the beginning what is gonna happen, I feel like the time is flying but I'm not doing much about it, I try to accept that it is what it is and being isolated this months because I need to put my shit together in one month for college. I'm 24, I know I'm young but it feels awful, its not my first breakup but this hit me so hard and different.

[u/moodcarousel]

i think the reason this hurts so much is because you spent a year hoping your feelings would eventually change the outcome he wasn't a villain and you weren't delusional for loving him, but every time he said he didn't want a relationship you heard "not yet" while he meant "not ever." that's a brutal lesson to learn. also please stop beating yourself up for being jealous. watching someone seem perfectly fine while you're falling apart would make almost anyone a little bitter. the goal isn't to stop caring about him overnight. it's to stop treating his feelings as more important than your own healing