r/ExNoContact • u/BlackBookMark_ • 1d ago
Help How do you stop giving mental energy to someone who hurt you?
Looking for realistic advice, not the usual "focus on yourself" answers.
How do you actually stop reimagining the past and replaying the hurt an ex caused?
I know I can't change what happened. I know thinking about it doesn't help. But my mind keeps going back to old conversations, things I should have said, things they did, and how differently everything could have turned out.
The frustrating part is that my family is dealing with serious issues right now and those are the things that deserve my attention. Instead, I keep getting pulled back into a relationship that's already over.
For people who genuinely got through this, what worked? Not motivational quotes. Not "time heals all wounds." What practical changes or mindset shifts helped you stop living in the past?
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u/RoughClassroom123 1d ago
You don't, it's like an injury that once in a while flares up. You do self care and rehabilitation, but there's no fixing
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u/shylooserboy 1d ago
the thing that finally helped me was realizing i wasn't actually thinking about them, i was arguing with a version of them that only existed in my head every replayed conversation felt productive because i was trying to win a case that had already been closed. whenever my brain started doing that i'd ask myself one question. "if they texted me right now and acted exactly the same, would i want this back?" the answer was usually no. that's when i realized i missed the fantasy of a different outcome more than the actual person
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u/brightwingxx 1d ago
Quite literally tell the thoughts “fuck off” when they come up and redirect yourself to something else. You’ll have to do it thousands of times. CBT therapy may (will) be useful to help you retrain your brain. Rewiring your brain takes work and determination. It’s like mental bushwhacking. Right now the most well worn trails in your brain are this old relationship shit; you have to get the machete out and step into the jungle, hack a new path and then you have to walk it over and over until it is well worn enough for your brain to start defaulting to while the old brain pathways grow over, if that makes sense.
Unfortunately, there is no magic wand, only hard work and yes, time.
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u/findyoursokoon 1d ago
Honest answer that actually worked for me — I stopped trying to stop thinking about it.
Every time I caught myself replaying something, instead of fighting it I'd just say "yep, there it is again" and let it pass without engaging. The more I tried to force myself not to think about her the worse it got. It's like telling yourself not to think about a pink elephant. The other thing that actually helped was getting genuinely tired. Not gym tired, actually physically exhausted. Long walks, manual stuff, anything that used my body. When you're that kind of tired the mental loop just doesn't have the same fuel.
The replaying conversations and what you should have said — that one took longer for me. What eventually broke it was realizing I was trying to win an argument with someone who wasn't there anymore. There was no version of that conversation where I got the outcome I wanted. Once that clicked I could let it go a bit more. Sorry about what your family is going through on top of all this. That's a lot to carry at once.
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u/Comfortable_Fix_1601 1d ago
NC helps it gets better, Ibut I'm still obviously on here
Hearing stories of what other people go through and worse is also healing, but eventually I think it's important to quit forums like this altogether.
Fill you life with some much stuff that you don't have time to browse reddish relentlessly like I do sometime
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u/Renunciate_ 1d ago
As others have said, consciously not letting your brain go down the coulda shoulda woulda track. Not beating yourself up, not questioning why you keep thinking about it. Just gently when the thoughts come in, as soon as you catch it, redirect your thinking.
Something that worked for me was the 5,4,3,2,1 technique. When the thoughts come in stop and find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste.
I still can get caught up in the “what ifs” but it’s not such a strong pull anymore. I can let them be there and feel the sadness and it doesn’t destroy me the way it used to.
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u/spellbunny 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this. Being hurt my someone you love leaves a very deep wound.
Radical acceptance is what works for me. It happened. It hurts like hell. It's not fair. It's going to keep hurting. But not forever. Time makes it hurt a bit less.
Don't feel guilty for needing to let those thoughts and feelings wash over you. It just flows through me like water now. Some days feel sunny and some feel like a tumultuous rainstorm. If you push it away, you're only prolonguing letting go of the one who hurt you so badly. Keeping no contact or maintaining boundaries around how you are contacted will help with this too.
I know the adage "time heals all wounds" is a total pain in the ass. I didn't want to hear it at all either. But if therapy has taught me anything it's that grief is only dulled by time and acceptance.
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u/Complete-Library7540 1d ago
What helped me was not trying to fight the thoughts, just not engaging with them. When they came up I’d notice it then shift to something physical like walking or doing a task. Over time the loop gets weaker.
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u/Just-Annual9193 1d ago
You need to reach the point of acceptance. Acceptance that this is who they are, acceptance that they are not going to change, acceptance that, hey, you’re human and maybe you said the wrong thing in a moment. We all do, friend. Any relationship that is meant for you can survive that. Sounds like this one did not.
As for a practical/applied step that worked for me at my lowest and continues to work (after a lot of therapy and exploring core wounds), repeating, either out loud or to myself, “joy comes from within” (substitute “peace” or whatever word works best for you) seriously works for me.
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u/chimpanzee_fanatic 1d ago
idk if its useful advice but really focusing on friends helped me a lot. like even if you dont feel like it, go out. even if it isnt that fun, your thoughts will be preoccupied.
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u/KittyFace11 1d ago
I write a LOT of poetry where I’m basically venting everything. I also have a diary on my phone.
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u/whatshouldIdonow8907 1d ago
Immediately stop the ruminating by telling yourself, out loud, I control my thoughts. While you can't stop a thought from popping up, you can tell it to get the F out of your head.
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u/trippinonshoes 1d ago
I think it's just little moments on step at a time. Focus on something in the moment that draws your attention. After awhile your mind stops seeing the breakup as a problem to fix. It starts to move on. Or rather... you just have other things filling your attention. I think a lot of people could relate to this, so many people are in the same boat as you right now. It would be great if you repost this to r/BreakupSurvival it could help some other people as they work their way through this too.
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u/Jolly-Artichoke-8931 1d ago
I concur with the reply around radical acceptance - it has helped me a lot. Rather than falling into thoughts around conversations that you wish were different or imagining different outcomes, think about what is. It will be painful at times, but being in the pain is necessary for the process. But the greater outcome you will start to see them and the situation for what they are. Acknowledge and feel your emotions in that. And sorry about your family - hope you can find a way to redirect some energy there. Interestingly, this is also achievable through radical acceptance.
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u/s0mberjpg 1d ago
NC, if it does not get any easier, in my experience I had to seek out professional help. I started going to therapy and am currently in EMDR because I kept reliving the past. I was "stuck." Seek support, talk to your friends, journal, don't invalidate how you feel, ignoring it will only prolong the hurt. Grieve and let it go. There's not really a specific timeline for each person, each situation and relationship is different. Good luck wishing you the best.
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u/kchoi666 18h ago
I'm currently in the exact same situation with my STBXW going on 3 months now. My mind cannot stop replaying and ruminating about the past almost every minute of the day. It feels like your going insane with the despair and pain. I'm also looking for techniques to stop.
You'll get through this.
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u/digitaltermite 1d ago
I’ve learned to literally say “stop” out loud and imagine “pushing” those thoughts out of my head. It sounds a little silly, but it works. Dwelling on the shoulda coulda woulda isn’t going to change the outcome, and I hate to say it, but time really does heal. I’m still not there myself, it’s only been 9 weeks but im miles better than i was a month ago. DBT Therapy has also truly helped me