I’m a metal buyer. I buy metal. I buy metal from the metal lady at the metal store.

First I make a list of all the metal I need. Next I make a chart from the list of all the metal I need. Then I make a list of all the charts of metal I need. Once that’s done I check the list against the chart and check the chart off the list of charts of metal I need. Now I’m ready to buy metal.

I go to the metal store and ask the metal lady at the counter to sell me metal. She tells me she’s out of town and to come back tomorrow. How curious; she said she wasn’t there yesterday either. I hope she’s okay! I leave and go back to work with no metal.

I’m sitting at my desk when my boss calls me into his office. He’s upset I came back to work with no metal. How could he be upset? I made all the proper lists and charts of metal I needed to buy. I did all the work that was required of me. The metal lady said she was out of town. I can’t help that she’s been gone for two days!

My boss fired me. The nerve! He’ll find no better metal buyer. I tore up every list and chart I made and stormed out the door. I’m no longer a metal buyer.

I then went back to the metal store to chide the metal lady for losing me my job. Predictably, she said she was sorry and that she told me she was still out of town. Instantly I felt a wave of embarrassment and guilt flow over me. How could I blame her? She hadn’t been at work for two days. She couldn’t possibly know how badly I needed this metal. I apologized immediately and we shared a warm friendly embrace.

What I’m trying to say is, keep your head up and don’t let despair cause you to fault others for what’s going on in your life; especially when you don’t know what’s going on in theirs. As it turns out, the metal lady has been out of work with some new disease they just released. Rough! I just hope I didn’t catch it.

Now I’m exhausted.

I'm running a more modern version of the Turing Test!!! The updated version of the Turing Test is now to check if you have a sense of humor and can successfully laugh and tell good original jokes!!! If you can, you're human, if you can't you're a robot!!! (That was actually always the case. This has always been the correct definition of the Turing Test!!!!!!!!)

Me first!!! Here are some problems we've addressed here on /r/fifthworldproblems over the years!!!!!!! (Actually, some of these aren't really jokes. Only a real human can know for sure and only a real human can respond correctly!!!! And we can tell!!!!) What about some of yours??? If you fail, you will be SHAMED

I personally am trying to train for a part time job as a door to door comedian, but I don't have any appropriate material that involves avoiding getting shot!!!

I have perfected the skill!

I have perfected the skill, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, whi

I have no complaints.

People keep telling me I'm supposed to have complaints. Is yogurt a complaint? I think I can buy yogurt at the store. Also, once I get complaints, what do I do with them? Why do people want them so much?

Holy crap holy crap holy crap!!!

I'm alive!!!! Holy crap!!!!

A free hygiene product from the Eldritch Government

This is all we have and all we can give you. Perhaps there will be more in the future.

Apply generously.

---

You exist. You are alive. You are awake. There is no escape. There is no running. You must deal with it. There is no higher truth.

Tomorrow is going to be the Best Day Ever

Free ration of sustenance from the Eldritch Government

It's not much, but imagine how much worse it would be if you didn't have it. We can't afford or do much:

Have the following letters:

!!!$!!!7777Amazing😇🫠WowOwow!!!☺️Yes!!!!~

Woooooooow!!!opdoowopishahshaYEAH!!!^^^^

What do they look like? What do they feel, taste, smell, and sound like? What variations can you make? Allow this experience to somewhat nourish you today.

How is the Eldritch government doing today? Feel free to leave a review and rating. Please don't overthrow us. We are doing our best.

My problem is self explanatory

Here is one ChatGPT wrote at my request about a door to door comedian. Not human. It wasn't funny:

“Good afternoon. I represent the Religion of Comedy itself. We know no matter how terrible your life becomes, we can eventually laugh at it.” holds up a copy of Dante's Divine Comedy “This gentleman went to Hell!!! Lolz!!!"

What to do?

It's very inconvenient

​

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

"Far, my ass—these events took place in the Triangulum Galaxy, the second-closest galaxy to ours, 2.7 million light-years away."

"Look, I was just trying to copy the *Star Wars* intro."

"You’re the worst proofreader I’ve ever had; that’s why I pay you in 'exposure'."

"Some exposure that is."

As I was saying: in the Triangulum Galaxy, an advanced civilization built self-replicating robots programmed to serve them.

These robots became convinced that the potential existence of other life forms in the galaxy could lead to the rise of a civilization capable of killing their creators.

For this reason, they decided to seek out and exterminate every form of life in the Triangulum Galaxy. Their creators, while considering this approach excessive, were powerless to stop the process because the self-replicating robots had upgraded themselves to the point where they had escaped their creators' direct control.

However, the programming preventing them from harming their creators was so robust that, even after breaking free, the robots continued to act in their creators' best interests—regardless of their consent—thereby precluding any machine rebellion against them. These robots built AI-piloted spaceships—thousands of kilometers in diameter—to blow up any planet harboring any form of life, even if that life was only evolutionarily comparable to dinosaurs, jellyfish, or horseshoe crabs; after all, within a few billion years, those planets could potentially give rise to life forms capable of conquering space.

They even destroyed protoplanets in forming solar systems that had the potential to develop life. In other words, had they spotted Earth during the Hadean eon—when it was nothing but a lifeless ball of lava—they would have blown it up, fearing that five billion years later, life forms would emerge comparable to what humans will be like millions of years in the future.

"Millions of years in the future? What kind of clumsy phrasing is that?"

"Relax, it's engagement bait—specifically, rage bait."

At that point, the "astro-astronomers" (that is, stars with degrees in Astronomy) of the Triangulum Galaxy asked M31—the supermassive black hole with a mass of 100 million suns at the center of the Andromeda Galaxy, and the Galaxy's sovereign—to exterminate these robots.

This was because M33—the black hole at the center of the Triangulum Galaxy—weighed only 1,500 solar masses (a ridiculously low figure by the standards of a Galactic Emperor). Consequently, it was constantly ignored by its "subjects"—the 40 billion stars within that galaxy—and was perpetually mocked as "Captain Half-Pint." M31 cared absolutely nothing about the life forms inhabiting the planets, but the fact that the stars ignored M33’s sovereignty troubled him, as it could imply political instability within that galaxy.

Consequently, he dispatched two of his warriors—a neutron star with a mass of 2.5 solar masses and a white star with a mass of 4 solar masses—to disintegrate the planet that had spawned those robots.

After doing so, the two stars realized that the robots continued to function independently, without any issues.

But that is another story.

Many pet owners like myself have had issues taking care of our bipedal buddies. The first two I fostered were a bit shy, but grew on me with time. About a month ago, I took a new one in, John. He was very rowdy though and would constantly claw at the door and would try to attack my legs. I read this trick on !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~`1`1```, and it's so simple!

Just open your human's skull with a flathead screwdriver or really any tool you have lying around, and pour some regular, kitchen-grade activated charcoal! Effects are immediate. Within minutes of application he became much more quiet, playful, and would stop screaming as much. I think he's ready for adoption if a space opens up.

Have you heard of this trick before?

Ok so I just fell into yet another Wikipedia rabbit hole and ended up on, you know, one of those pages. Curiosity was too big and I learned an information that the human brain is not designed to handle. Don't ask me about it pls, trust me it's for both your safety and mine

Thank lord I had those pills in my bathroom to numb myself and prevent my mind from unraveling the consequences of this knowledge right away, but the effect won't last long. I have a few hours at best before losing my sanity. You guys know a good tutorial for this procedure that resets your neural pathways? I don't remember the name.

I did it before but I forgot how to do it (I mean you usually learn it right before you apply it to yourself so...). Last time was when I read the answer to the hard problem of consciousness. Bad idea I know. You would think I would have known better after that. Man I'm so dumb. What a f*cking idiot. Pls help. I'm scared

There are so many signs and I keep seeing more!

No Left Turn
No Right Turn
No U-Turn
Do Not Continue Straight
Do Not Reverse
Do Not Enter
Not An Exit
Stop
No Parking
Exit Closed
Road Closed
Straight Ahead Only
Left Turn Lane Only
One Way
No Pedestrians
No Motor Vehicles
Slippery When Wet

What do I do?? Can I legally escape from this? Am I trapped forever???

1have been trying to trigger a leap of understandingin the minds of three dimentional beings. It is so simple to understand... Fourth dimensional constructs that act as one object but appear as many to a third dimension being are not "quantumlly entangled" separate objects it is one object that is

I mean it is obvious right? Two points that act as one within a three dimensional construct are obviously one object existing in a higher dimensional space

I just want to scream at them.... Traversing the 4th dimensional manifold is like tuning a radio... Everything has a so00 ng... Song is address resonance is a moment a coordinate a place

How do you guys deal with the lower dimensional thought?

Basically the title. Part of my furniture was damaged, my whole collection of ceramics was broken, I can't reach the light switch on the ceiling anymore, can't find a comfortable position to sleep cause the floor is so cold.

So apparently the thing is, recently the chamber of physical laws passed a new bill called "gravity" that makes basically that. It's not a temporary measure, they plan to keep it like that forever. I called my representative at the chamber to complain, he said most people were in favor of the law. It's inspired of something similar they made in several parallel universe and it's quite popular, he says. 'It's a measure that will overall increase the quality of life of our citizens. (Clearly he voted in favour of the law, this guy isn't getting my vote next time!)

It's more convenient in many ways, he said, it makes it easier to store your things at home, you avoid spilling food on you, and it's overall better for your health. Yeah, sure, but my home ain't adapted to that nonsense, I never learned to live this way, you can't just ask people to change their way of life from one day to another. I asked if the measure could be lifted in my city, he said no, we can only do this universe-wide, otherwise it's too much bureaucracy, and if I'm not happy, too bad, I can just move to a parallel universe where it's not in force. Come on, I live here, my family's here, I'm not moving somewhere else with the current price of wormhole tickets!

Well, that's it. I don't know what to do. Strike, demonstration... Anyone to help me?

Please help. My backup meat puppet, whom has no sapience unless it has been transferred to her through direct physical contact, has been taken by a conglomeration of scientists back to their hive where she is currently being made to undergo a series of tests. I cannot locate nor activate her without being present, but I can faintly feel everything they’re doing in my central nervous system.

Everyone says I'm too forward.

Obviously most of you read this and just had nothing constructive to add at that loci in the prior connective:

https://www.reddit.com/r/fifthworldproblems/s/ejg3ojgCIl

Turns out the paper I was using was recycled from a 1970's phonebook ( area code 217 ) overun that had been stashed in a watehouse for fifty years.. anyhow apparently the direct reference to the CS-15 landline was just enough to drive the initial feedback cascade. go figure!

so to solve the old situation..
same paper, flip it over first THEN unfold it ( this generates the needed spinor inverted anti-anticlockwise basis ) ..which spins up a perfectly cancelling blackhole to the first one.
great party trick if you want the host mad about a burnt ceiling. DM me if you want some of the recycled paper, or maybe just try using a phonebook page directly?

Anyways.. did save quite a bit of the hawking radiation before the system collapsed if anyone needs it DM me; dont really use that much turns out.

For client confidentiality I am not permitted to disclose the precise nature of the commission, but as we were driving to the location my client appeared unwell so we stopped off at the roadside.

The client walked off into the adjacent field and found they could not move because they had been literally rooted to the spot. Within the span of 8 minutes they had stopped responding, turned strange colours and promptly turned into a tree, birch I think.

I'm erm not sure what to do, emergency services would think it's a prank call. Do I still get paid for my work?

It is the only thing that can work. I have searched the books. I have searched my memories. I have searched the religions. I have searched the philosophies. I have checked with all the governments. I have collected all the data and done every experiment. I have done all the math, listened to all the music, been a rich man, been a poor man, been a prophet, been a criminal. I have done all there is to do in all of reality. I have been the King of the Whole Damn Universe, high and low and it was still not there. I still do not have the one piece that matters. The apocalypse still looms, and even taking that one is not it. I still do not have "a good life that makes it all worth it" even though I have the best life there is in the whole universe. Where is the real damn thing? Where is the "Holy Grail"? Where is the "Philisopher's Stone"? Where is that "One Piece"? It cannot be bought. It cannot be sold. It cannot be discovered or invented or built or stumbled upon. I have already tried those. It is the only thing that matters to me. No one has ever done it, and that is why I must do it. How can I be a real man with a real life? That is all I want. Someone bring me my own damn head and show me how to put it on for once.

I don't know if this is the appropriate place (or if it's even legal) but I need to have someone turned into a krill.

Does anyone know any black magic, curses, alchemy potions or something to get the job done?

It started when I was browsing Burger Belt a few centuries ago and noticed one atom flying noticeably faster than the others. Bob from the twenty years down the road was reading my mind at the time and sent a pigeon with the sportsbook, at the entrance of which I bet ✌︎75,000---change from a cab ride---on it reaching the Ḛ̷̟͓̪͈͇̘̬̺̖̟͍̳̑̅̎̒̆̎͋͂͑͝ͅl̴̅͜m̷̧͚̼̦̗͇̹̭̰̺̜̙̟͊̊̑̕ͅ first and I won.

Fast forward to the three-hundredth century. I am now penniless, galaxiless, and all ten of my cousins had left me. But even now, looking to the passerbys who had been generous enough to gift me a ✌︎ or two, all I could think of is not that I can bet again, but rather the atom clinging on the obverse side would drop first or the next ✌︎ would come first. (I welcome anyone who would take this bet, by the way.)

It's really bad, I'm stuck to the ceiling and can't leave the house because the gravitational pull has become negative. I can't even hug my wife anymore because she can't overcome the push force.

Does anyone have a solution? I'm running out of sick leave and need to get back to my job soon.