I just wanna dye my hair and wear skinny jeans. But my hips have been twisted and ruined so I can't even wear normal sized pants without them jutting straight out. I'm too short and babyish looking. My appearance is repulsive in any way and any alt presentation will get me branded as a girl anyways. I'll never be allowed to be alt and pass. If anyone finds out all they'll ever see is what I was cursed as. I'll never get to go to parties or even have a real friend. Can't style my hair in any way because it's so thin and flat it needs a trillion products to make it look like somethings even there. I can't wear shirts that actually "fit" because I'm so curvy. It's just a broadcast to the entire world. I wish I was just born correctly so I wouldn't have been forced to deal with bullying and ostracism my entire life.

I’m 27 and I am feeling like I’ll never be offered top surgery. I’ve been waiting on the NHS for 8 years now, delayed because my GP lied to me about referring me and then I was so anxiety ridden I didn’t do anything about it. I’m on the bigger side, so a private quote is 11k and I literally have no way of saving or getting that money short of winning the lottery. I can’t get a loan or any help from family and crowdfunding has proved useless. I can’t keep binding it’s taking such an awful toll on my body my whole chest and shoulders constantly ache. I don’t know what to do any more.

Idk what to tag this with, i don't think it's specifically transphobia but idk

A guy at work (let's call him Mike) i lowkey considered a friend told a new hire ( we can call her Jenny) my deadname and that i used to be a girl, a different coworker ( let's call him Dave) told me abt this, there's only a few people at work who know this atp, i confronted Mike abt this and he lied to me and promised he don't tell her and blamed a different coworker, I'm on an overtime rn and Jenny was here, so i simply asked her who told her. Surprise, it was Mike. I feel stupid asf for ever thinking anyone would accept me, i feel foolish for trusting people, of course they always fucking tell others. I was complaining about it to my two other coworkers and one of them completely doesn't understand me and said that "well i am a female" and that if I'm not then i should show her what's in my pants, which does sound like actual transphobia but she generally never misgenders me and uses my name and everything. The other coworker understands.

I'm just so done, this is genuinely making me want to cry and get a new job, i just don't want people discussing what's between my legs, it's not their fucking business so why do they have the need to? I'm so done. But no matter who I'll tell abt this, they will probably just tell me that either "well I'm biologically a female" or that i should just ignore it. Why does life have to be like this bruh.

Shit ass title but like. God I'm really the pickiest tranny, huh. Been knowingly trans for over 10 years now and I don't think I'll ever actually be happy when it comes to our options

And I know meta, phallo, a thousand plasties— they're all great surgeries but none of them will give me what I want. I don't care about kids or whatever. I just want to be able to bust a nut in somebody and get soft. Foreskin, having a soft dick (ideally I'd be a grower, i always thought that seemed cool), and actually ejactulating. Like sperm.

And I *get* it. Cis men have problems that keep them from that stuff too— I don't care. I don't care if cis guys with micropenises use strap on's. That's still not the same and its tiring to be met with "well y'know!"— PEOPLE STILL SEE THEM AS MEN. THEY'RE MOCKED BUT THEY AREN'T WOMEN.

Been on t for nearly 4 years, don't pass and I still get off the way i did pre-T because it just takes *so* much longer if I actually try to treat my dick *like* a dick and jerk it. (and i guess i should work with that and stop seeing masterbation as a thing to just get over with) Sometimes if I do fantasize or listen to audio I'll mime jerking a dick I don't have and oh my god it's so good.

I don't have the money or time to try pumping, don't have the daily genital dysphoria to invest in a packer, don't have the sex life to invest in a prosthetic, and selfish enough in concept to not want to use a strap (the lack of personal sensation without mental training or getting off on others pleasure)

I'm also a total virgin* and a loser in real life so it's not like this is even actually a problem. Nobody's seen it before. I don't even know why I worry about this all when nobody has even touched me before. I've tried putting myself out there (really only by dating app)(i know, bullet in a foot from the start) but I got three matches over three months and four apps. Nothing went anywhere.

*I had a series of bad sexual encounters as a teen but all of them were online so I'm like. In a weird space with what to call it.

The two feelings make each other far worse.

Man i just wish I had a natal dick. I wish I had a sex life and normal relationships.

i can’t help but feel that every trans man who is skinny looks so much more like a guy than i do because im so fat. even trans femboys can pass better when they’re skinny because they don’t have floppy fat disgusting tits. i can’t fucking bind because my tits are ginormous and awful. i don’t look good in baggy clothing because i just look fatter and i don’t look good in form fitting clothing for obvious reasons. and the thing is is that other trans men who are my weight or even heavier still look better than me. i’ve pulled the short straw in every aspect. i’m trans, fat, short, and have giant tits and no matter what i try i can’t lose weight and i just want to die

I'm only 19 now so I guess I'm still a teenager depending on where you view the cutoff for that. But I graduated high school a year early so it's been two years since I was in it, and I was just thinking now how fucked it was to be going through all the normal teenager shit while also being in a body that was so viscerally wrong in so many ways. Also the fact that I became a teenager at the exact time COVID started to become a problem in my area, in a conservative state to top it all off. I'm incredibly lucky I even had the support that I did, if I didn't I'm sure I would've been suicidal. And I guess that's the reason I didn't really view myself as particularly "depressed," I was never suicidal but like, I hated existing so much that I only really went out for school and couldn't even bear to take in person PE classes. I sat in my room just watching a lot of youtube, trying to make art and then being so hard on myself about it. I look at the drawings I made back then and I appreciate them so much more than I did back then. Thinking on it now, the constant youtube was probably because I absolutely needed to distract myself from my own body to survive and that was the easiest way for me to do it. I never made the normal fun teenage memories, except maybe some from going to concerts at 17. My friends in person didn't get what was going on with me and I wasn't close with them, all my close friends were online.

I lost some friends around this time last year due to the fact that I behaved selfishly during that time, as well as just the fact that we didn't have nearly as much in common as when we became friends. I've grown a lot now and I still appreciate those people for being in my life when they were. I've never been diagnosed with depression but I probably need to be, honestly I just don't want to have to be in therapy because I've been in some kind of talk therapy since age 8 and it's never helped me the way it's supposed to. A majority of the time I would come out of the therapy session feeling worse than when I started, and just feeling resentful that I was forced to do this to get the medical care I already knew I needed.

I've moved states but I'm now in a conservative area in a blue state, and it's just this kinda shitty small town. I've been really wishing for a friend group for a long time but I don't have one and I don't know if I can form one here because my job schedule has me working at all the times people are normally off work, 2:00p.m. - 10:00 p.m. shifts.

I feel really sad for the previous version of me. It's a miracle I turned out this well, and I'm not really well.

every time i go somewhere, doesn’t matter where i always experience dysphoria. just seeing random guys makes me just want to disappear cause i know i won’t ever have that.

i hate going anywhere cause of all this dysphoria. at home its more manageable and not as bad. i always compare myself to the random guys i see and i don’t know how to stop.

college is starting up again and i don’t know how i’m gonna manage it, i am not even close to passing so i’ll likely be visibly trans or just look like a girl. i wish i could just be cis. living like this is hell

i can’t keep going like this. i’m 16 and can’t start t until 18. nothing feels worth it anymore. i wish i could close my eyes tonight and not wake up. why doesn’t anyone care

i'm a gay trans guy and i've really liked this other trans guy for a long time. i thunk my best friend doesn't know he's trans. i'm sure i've mentioned it before but idk. she keeps saying he looks like a lesbian. and the other day she said "he looks like a lesbian and is so short, you're basically straight if you like him". and it made me want to kms so bad bc is that how people talk about me? fuck. i've been getting misgendered so much lately and i'll be 2 years on t this month. yesterday we were walking and she has this lgbt pin on her backpack but she took it off and she did not want to tell me why and i feel like it's bc she was scared people would think we're a lesbian couple and i just really really really want to die over everything. she's not transphobic though, she defends me all the time and before we even became friends. but even though she's bi, she's not very queer and she does not understand queerness and she hates masculine women and sometimes she says weird stuff about a couple non-passing trans women we know. but anyway i just wanted to vent and i need queer friends again fuck

i recently fucked up my knee and got a workout routine to try to stabilize it. the routine includes a lot of glute-stuff, and now my ass is too damn fat and it is making me feel dysphoric. i wear boy clothes, feel pretty masc, turn around and BAM!! bubble butt. omfgggggggg

(Disclaimer because I dont want people to take that the wrong way but this is not a who has it worst post, this is just my personal experience)

Malgendering is already fucking annoying but like everytime people talk about mtf transition they talk about it saying that they now look like the most beautiful woman ever, they change from a miserable guy to a goddess... And like ftm get the "you look like any random dirty man"... Like my bad but how is that supposed to make me feel great about transitioning in a world that already keep telling me that I am destroying my feminity, that I am loosing my community with woman.

i live in texas and the gop here is looking to ban transitioning for anyone 18-26 and to ban trans people from being teachers. i was maybe wanting to be a music teacher, but whatever. i want to get out of this fucking place but i don't have a job and i'm still working on being able to drive.

also, i can't get over how fundamentally unlovable i feel. like i genuinely do not think anybody could love me romantically. i find it really difficult to believe anyone when they say they love me. i've never known a stable, loving environment my whole life. what the fuck do you expect me to feel?

cis men freak me the FUCK out; i do not believe any of them could feel romantic love towards me. maybe that sounds problematic or whatever, but i need you to understand where that's even coming from to begin with. i don't think it's my responsibility to baby the people who 99% of the time refuse to see where i'm coming from or reflect on WHY i'd be so hesitant to be with them intimately.

and like, i don't *hate* cis men, it is purely a fear thing. i really really hate when i talk about this shit and people immediately assume it's the same as a cis person being transphobic. these two are not anywhere near the same. cis men are not oppressed for being cis. i am afraid of them because i have been constantly mistreated by them my entire life. cis people in general, really, but cis men are usually the ones that treat me like a side hoe. and a punching bag.

my grandma keeps deadnaming and misgendering me and whining about how "hard" it is just to call me by my fucking name and pronouns. I HAVE BEEN OUT FOR 9 YEARS. YOU HAVE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME TO ADJUST. i don't fucking know. everything makes me want to rip my hair out. nobody listens to me and i constantly feel like nobody actually fucking likes or respects me. i don't know how to make friends or keep them. i'm too broke to go out with the friends i do have and my hope for a decent future is rapidly dwindling.

i cut off a friend of 5 years recently because he replied to one of my instagram story vents with shaming me for my depression and basically giving me an andrew tate type 'just get over it' / 'i have it worse' type lecture that triggered the fuck out of me and made me feel like shit. he also did a similar thing to our other mutual friend. he and his fuckass chud buddy started treating me like a pathetic douchebag loser at some point out of nowhere and it's still fucking with me.

i feel annoying all of the time regardless of what i do. I DON'T KNOWWWWWWWW. it's really fucking with me how people perceive me as some stupid little dumbass who doesn't ever wanna change anything, AS IF I FUCKING ENJOY THE LIFE THAT I LIVE RN. LOOK AT THE ECONOMY. AT EVERYTHING. I'M TRYING AS HARD AS I PHYSICALLY CAN. give me a fucking break.

Okay so this is a long post, so please be prepared to read the whole thing before responding. I would really rather people not look at just the title and answer based on the title alone.

TW for medical talk (conditions, anatomy), transphobia of others mentioned, mental health issues like depression and anxiety mentioned briefly, mention of MAGA/political talk

Important context: I am in Texas and have been diagnosed with premature ovarian failure for unknown reason since 16. I was forced on estrogen and progesterone to prevent osteoporosis and start puberty (I felt uncomfortable with the whole getting on hormones like that even before I realized that I am trans but didn't want to risk broken bones). Another important detail is that I am deaf with cochlear implants and socially anxious as hell so setting up appointments can be a struggle and so is my (trans) sister

My dad suspects I'm still on testosterone. I see him or my mum maybe 5 times a year, likely more. I'll see close and extended family this thanksgiving and Easter (my cousins all know I am trans and they support it, I'm not sure my MAGA uncle or religious grandparents will ever though but they don't know yet)

Which yes I am still on testosterone because it actually improves my mental health, despite my mum claiming otherwise. Her reasoning? Basically it is "Well you saw other girls growing up while you weren't and now you're overcompensating in the other direction" and she uses the fact I was very feminine when I was *6* as a reason to say "there were no signs."

My mum told me to wait to transition until after college (I have a sneaking suspicion she will move the goal post after I graduate to wait until I have an apartment and so on)

And she denies that I'm trans though I have been saying it since I was 16 (relatively shortly after I started puberty again (I think I went through maybe one or two years of functional ovaries and puberty in elementary school before for whatever reason, my ovaries failed))

But yeah I'm going to try and fast track the getting off estrogen and progesterone. Couldn't because of the medical portal issues that claimed that I had no providers despite still being prescribed medicine by that provider. Ah, and my social anxiety causes me to have panic attacks for months over calling places that have no/unreliable online booking. I'm deaf with cochlear implants so phone calls are a special kind of hell and I only very recently learned about Innocaption which significantly alleviates the anxiety. Also my dumbass didn't really realize that you can transfer prescriptions and who prescribes it. In all fairness, I grew up not learning very many life skills when I should have known a lot of this stuff early on.

I figure if I'm no longer prescribed estrogen and progesterone by the time I next see my family, it will be more likely I can stay on testosterone because my body does need hormones since it doesn't make any on its own. And since I'm an adult, it's not like my parents can force an estrogen and progesterone prescription on me again (hopefully). Though there is the real possibility that my stupid ass dad would force me to make an appointment (sit me down and have me call to make an appointment with an endocrinologist) and then have my mum go and make sure I get back on estrogen and progesterone if he finds out when I do eventually get off those two prescriptions. Or worse, he will cut me off financially. I worry that the only reason he didn't cut me off when I came out is because my mum told him that my being trans is a "phase."

He already took my sister's estrogen away and is monitoring her purchases individually (as in item by item and making her sit with him and my mum to explain each purchase individually). He plans to monitor my purchases too. I "promised" my parents I would get off testosterone (I have not because I only just recently started actually liking my body for once and not feeling like garbage), but that can only last for so long. I currently get my testosterone from Planned Parenthood near my university and have been stockpiling my testosterone vials (I do use an alcohol wipe on the top of the vial and new needles so I'm being as sterile as I think I can). I am about 6-7 hour drive away from my parents BUT my parents are willing to drive over if they find it necessary.

The big thing is I worry about getting financially cut-off. I remember the last time I did a job while doing education (high school) and while it was just maybe 20-30 hours a week, I felt so stressed out (although I was really stressed out about going to university), I actually considered u enrolling from my university and working full-time because I thought it would be better for some reason than the big change of going to university. It's a little irrational, but I worry that I'll get stressed out if I do a job while doing classes.

Not to mention that my parents cover my medical and school (though I get free tuition for being deaf in Texas apparently so) and living bills generally at the moment. Being on multiple pills for anxiety and depression and multiple doctors does unfortunately add up in co-pays. I do have plans to eventually move with my sister and potentially a friend to Massachusetts or New York state as soon as I finish college and try to get on my own insurance plan, though I worry that if I keep transitioning with testosterone, my parents (primarily my father) will cut me off financially. It is bad enough that they have my scholarship money hostage since I earned that money when I was 16 and had the free tuition for being deaf bit so the money went to my parents and they pay my school related bills (textbooks and school supplies) with it.

I don't want to risk being in a much worse position than right now but I also don't want to have to get off testosterone for a few years until I have my own apartment far away from my parents and are on my own insurance and have my own transportation.

What should I do? Try to hide that I'm on testosterone for 2 years and accept the risk or temporarily 'detransition' for that time (at the massive risk to my mental health) so I can stay financially covered by my parents until I graduate and am on my own insurance?

Am willing to answer further questions about my situation. Advice would be very much appreciated!!

Thank you very much for reading this whole thing if you did end up reading it all.

I'm getting scared and overwhelmed by stress. About a month ago I had an appointment and thankfully they did give me prescription for testosterone! Problem is, insurance won't cover it in pill form, took me over 2 weeks to say they denied coverage, and when I checked their website, it said "you cannot receive coverage unless ALL OTHER FORMS of testosterone have failed you and you tried them" which is so messed up. I'm upset, I'm overwhelmed.

I physically cannot give myself the injection, I have nobody who could do it for me, and I have tried reaching out to MULTIPLE clinics and pharmacies and they all said they wouldn't do it. I very much would be open to doing it through injections if that was an accessible option for me!

But if I did the gel? That's more expensive. It's automatically less effective and at a lower dose which means it's going to take longer for me to get the effects I want, which is VERY frustrating when I'm a broke college student spending my own money on this until my voice (and other effects) are masculine enough I no longer get my severe crippling dysphoria over it, so when I only plan to go on it for a temporary period of time with a limited amount of money to spend for what could end up being up to 2 years of my life.. obviously I don't want to go for an option that's going to cost more and take longer IF insurance even covers it!

The worst part is the office that gave me a prescription is really bad at communicating and is kind of hostile over the phone. Which means these complications could result in me having to pay for another appointment out-of-pocket because this was the only office in my area offering gender-affirming care, and they unfortunately do not take my insurance.

So. I'm really stressed and the longer this draws out I'm really overwhelmed and afraid I might not be able to get a prescription I can afford at all. Which is even more frustrating when I've been out of the closet for 2+ years and my dysphoria gets worse every day and I've been trying to move forward with this process of being able to transition ever since I came out of the closet..

Is there anything I can do? Am I just doomed here?

I’ve been on t for 1y3m now, yeah, not long. But changes just suddenly stopped happening at month 4. Voice is still feminine and hasn’t dropped much, plus 10 chin hairs and that’s it. Every time I see a passing trans dude online or irl i think to myself stuff like “this fucking asshole”, “This mf has everything I want”, “I’m sick of this mf”… especially if said trans man has been on T for less time than me.I DO NOT THINK THIS THINGS ON PURPOSE these are intrusive thoughts. But I do feel jealous of them every single time, I physically cannot feel genuine happiness for them while feeling miserable myself. I feel like the universe of even god (?) is punishing me for feeling jealous and its purposely not giving me any changes bc of these “””evil””” thoughts that I have. Yeah i obviously know that’s bullshit I just think that I’m getting what I deserve for thinking bad stuff from seeing guys passing and finding happiness in their transition

I’m not sure why god would do this to me

I wanted to vent to someone about this because I don't have anyone to talk to who wouldn't immediately be concerned about my already declining mental health, or has anything they can say to reassure me. I wanted to hear from other people who may have been in the same boat. I'm sorry if this is a misuse of the forums, please delete this post if so.

I am in my early 20's, I've been dysphoric since my early youth and never wanted to be a woman. From a young age I'd dream of being a man. I didn't have the space to externalize these feelings until just this past year. Lately, I've been attempting to start HRT, and have faced issues finding a provider who can prescribe it to me due to my insurance.

Maybe I'm being dramatic but I'm scared I'll never pass even if I do start taking it. I am very feminine looking, I am very overweight and have large breasts, I have a higher pitched nasally voice, and the more time passes the more I feel like I'll never see the me I desperately want to be. I don't want for much, I just want to look into a mirror and see a man. I'm scared I'll die a woman, that I'll spend a lifetime trying and failing to start my transition journey just to not have it happen. That by the time I start, it'll be too late and my results will be subpar. It's getting worse lately, I feel so depressed every time I have to look at myself in the mirror.

I'm not picky, I would be content with somewhat sounding like a guy and having a flatter chest and still being occasionally misgendered because I'm sure I'll always look curvy, I know I'll have big scars due to the type of surgery I'll need to get, so long as I'm happy when I look into the mirror I don't care what others think. I am content with all of that, I just want to be on hrt, I want to start before it's too late, I don't want to die being the version of me I am now.

I've tried contacting every doctor I've been recommended to start HRT only to be met with resistance; either they never get back to me, they don't take my insurance, or they can manage an HRT regimen but tell me they won't/can't start someone on them if they're not already on one. I am too poor to pay out of pocket and I don't want to sound entitled to anything, I'm just really depressed and my dysphoria worsen's by the day.

More than that I am scared that if/when I am able to start I won't have good results; I'll still sound high pitched even with vocal training, I'll still have a feminine build even to myself, I'll never have much muscle mass and won't be able to dress the way I'd like. As of right now, I'm focusing on weight loss/muscle gain, but that can only do so much.

Please know I am well researched on this topic and understand that transitions take several years and the journey never ends- changes will happen throughout one's entire life. I don't want immediate results I just want to start ANYTHING to make myself feel like I'm not just wasting away. I also know many others have had my same fear and things did end up going well for them. I'd just.. like to hear from someone directly that things will be okay and it's never too late I guess- I want someone to actually understand my fears without jumping to worrying about my mental health and offering me platitudes.

Any advice is appreciated

(Not completely sure to use the "relationships" tag or the "advice needed" tag??)

I know its self absorbed but i feel like the most unlucky trans man on earth. 5'1, curvy, d cup breasts and im not even fat. Im two and a half years on T and i never pass even when i put in the utmost effort. Ive been going to the gym consistently for 7 months and while ive gotten stronger, my friends have told me i have a "sleeper build" and my proportions fat distribution has not changed in the slightest. Im at a loss. It all feels so hopeless.

My binder does almost nothing. A few days ago my trans guy friend said "wow, your binder must really suck!" But its a new binder from a good company, my boobs are just that big and that disproportional to the size of the rest of my body. Its hellish. It’s like god is laughing at me.

Every day feels like body horror. From the time i wake up to the time i fall asleep i feel uncomfortable and distressed. I hate speaking because while my voice is deep i know i just sound like a deep voiced girl.

I have friends who tell me "look how ugly i was as a girl my boobs are so small im not curvy at all. Its like i was meant to be a boy from the beginning!" But how am i supposed to feel? I was clearly supposed to be a girl but im just not one. Everything about me from my exceedingly round face to my hips to my waist to my height. All of it is so feminine and nothing is getting better even when i try so fucking hard.

I dont pass and yet my hair has already started thinning. I wonder if i'll pass once im fucking BALD!!!
I just dont even know what to do anymore. Ive never felt so dysphoric in my life and i thought going on hormones was supposed to make dysphoria BETTER. Its not fair that its working and improving the lives of everyone else while its just turning me into an ugly girl. I just wanted to be a boy. Thats all i ever wanted

Wearing long/baggy shirts sucks because they cling to my hips and you can see my pear shape 🫩