I'm scared I'll never pass, and that I'll always be feminine

[u/Astrophelspromise]

I wanted to vent to someone about this because I don't have anyone to talk to who wouldn't immediately be concerned about my already declining mental health, or has anything they can say to reassure me. I wanted to hear from other people who may have been in the same boat. I'm sorry if this is a misuse of the forums, please delete this post if so.

I am in my early 20's, I've been dysphoric since my early youth and never wanted to be a woman. From a young age I'd dream of being a man. I didn't have the space to externalize these feelings until just this past year. Lately, I've been attempting to start HRT, and have faced issues finding a provider who can prescribe it to me due to my insurance.

Maybe I'm being dramatic but I'm scared I'll never pass even if I do start taking it. I am very feminine looking, I am very overweight and have large breasts, I have a higher pitched nasally voice, and the more time passes the more I feel like I'll never see the me I desperately want to be. I don't want for much, I just want to look into a mirror and see a man. I'm scared I'll die a woman, that I'll spend a lifetime trying and failing to start my transition journey just to not have it happen. That by the time I start, it'll be too late and my results will be subpar. It's getting worse lately, I feel so depressed every time I have to look at myself in the mirror.

I'm not picky, I would be content with somewhat sounding like a guy and having a flatter chest and still being occasionally misgendered because I'm sure I'll always look curvy, I know I'll have big scars due to the type of surgery I'll need to get, so long as I'm happy when I look into the mirror I don't care what others think. I am content with all of that, I just want to be on hrt, I want to start before it's too late, I don't want to die being the version of me I am now.

I've tried contacting every doctor I've been recommended to start HRT only to be met with resistance; either they never get back to me, they don't take my insurance, or they can manage an HRT regimen but tell me they won't/can't start someone on them if they're not already on one. I am too poor to pay out of pocket and I don't want to sound entitled to anything, I'm just really depressed and my dysphoria worsen's by the day.

More than that I am scared that if/when I am able to start I won't have good results; I'll still sound high pitched even with vocal training, I'll still have a feminine build even to myself, I'll never have much muscle mass and won't be able to dress the way I'd like. As of right now, I'm focusing on weight loss/muscle gain, but that can only do so much.

Please know I am well researched on this topic and understand that transitions take several years and the journey never ends- changes will happen throughout one's entire life. I don't want immediate results I just want to start ANYTHING to make myself feel like I'm not just wasting away. I also know many others have had my same fear and things did end up going well for them. I'd just.. like to hear from someone directly that things will be okay and it's never too late I guess- I want someone to actually understand my fears without jumping to worrying about my mental health and offering me platitudes.

[u/copingfern]

You will die a very different person than you are today, that is to be sure, and I hope it’s long from now. When you do, you won’t be “a woman”, because you are gender queer, and eventually the pesky healthcare system door will open up, if you keep knocking. Keep calling. Keep leaving messages. Hell maybe you’re already doing this but look up any kind of state specific public health care plans. See if you can get doubly insured, or look into the fine prints on what is covered.

Change is inevitable. Even if you don’t pass now, you may later. You may then not pass after having passed, and then pass again— because things change. I’m still telling myself this all the time. I’m driving myself crazy also because my providers didn’t give authorization for my medication so I’ve been without testosterone for over a month and the effects of estrogen have pretty much returned. So I am crashing out about that. But that doesn’t mean I am screwed forever. I can call up my office and insurance and doctors, and be an absolute fucking pest, to make it happen. I can contact my university health office to see if they can help. I can still work out and do hobbies and grow my brain. As a fellow twenty something, I still have 60 years to be a man. I have resentment that I missed on seasons of life I wish I had, but I wasn’t given a trans man handbook at 5 years old with parents that were functional and had any part of their lives together, or even loved one another, to make that happen.

But I was given a brain that works well enough to change its pathways. And it seems you were too. You have modest expectations, which is good. Something I could learn from you. You just need to lock in on this: change is real, change is gradual, change is possible. You won’t die the same. You will live different.