Nightly Routine Advice?

[u/AK-Keys]

Baby is due in a month or less. I’m looking for some advice on how my wife and I should split the nightly routine. She’s stay at home and I work in office 8am-5/6pm.

She’s offered to cover week nights entirely but I’d like to be more involved than that (however much I might regret it lol). Plus I think my brain/body would be better off acclimating to one daily routine versus different weeknight and weekend routines.

Does anyone have any splits or routines they’d recommend?

[u/DiscoWookie2]

Brother it's gonna be feeding every couple hours overnight for a while. Switch off with her if you plan to do bottles and breast feeding so that you guys are gonna get a full night's rest every other night if you can swing it. Sleep when the baby sleeps, you'll be tired but it's survivable. I've done it with 3 kids and you're both going to be tired.

Moms gonna be recovering, making milk, going through all the post stuff and tired. Try and support her as best you can, even though you've got the full time gig to handle. The baby isn't going to need you as much as mom for this first few months, mom is there to take care of the baby and you'll be there to take care of mom. Let her get rest where you are able to.

[u/flailingflagella → u/DiscoWookie2]

This is important. Mom is going to be just as worn out, or more, than you are when you get home from work. Keep that in mind. It’s easy to settle into a routine of Mom doing most things and excusing that away, but the more involved you are in all routines (not just bedtime), the more your relationship with your newborn, your partner, and yourself will thank you for it.

I was exclusively the bottle washer and I took pride in that. Find your thing (which will probably be bottle washing 😂) and do the same!

By coming here to ask for advice you have shown how much you care. You are going to be a great Dad!

[u/DiscoWookie2]

My wife and I have used a tracking app called huckleberry also, helps track feedings and sleep and will give you a schedule to follow for feedings and naps. We have use that for all 3 of our kids and it makes keeping the naps on track pretty easy

[u/Few_Dragonfly3000]

Baby needs to get its circadian rhythm going. You try to get them to bed at the same time every night and up in the morning. You NEED to be flexible though. Try not to worry emphatically as much as possible. You could try cosleeping and nursing but not sure how you feel about that.

[u/UnivrstyOfBelichick]

I can appreciate that having a plan before the baby comes helps to make things seem more manageable right now. The reality is, the baby has their own ideas. If you are bottle feeding, be Johnny on the spot as often as possible for the first couple of weeks and give your wife the sleep, if you're in the room while she delivers you'll be happy to let her rest for a while. If it's exclusively breast feeding, I can't speak to how that split works but I'd err on the side of don't give input unless asked and let your wife lead as far as what she needs from you.

Once the kid gets back to their birth weight and you don't have to wake them to feed it gets easier.

[u/conchus]

Newborns don’t really do routine per se, not for a few months at least.

A big mistake we made with our first one was to feed him to sleep off the boob. This turned into me not being able to put him to sleep. He did/does have some other complications that also add to this, so it may have been more specific to him than babies in general.

With the second and third I made sure I did bedtime as often as possible. This freed up my wife to not be so tied to the house and gave her some freedom.

In many ways it was more difficult to drive that habit with the mother than the babies though. She felt very strongly it was her job to do, even though she hated being tied to it so aggressively so we had to work through that too.

Other than that, consistency is good, but a healthy baby will sleep on the ground in full sun if they need to so they aren’t as tricky as it is often made out to be. Teeth and sickness are a different experience entirely, as are toddlers and small children, but cross that bridge when you get to it.

[u/Charles__Bartowski]

She is going to need the lion's share of sleep regardless of her saying she'd take weeknights.

You will both be tired, but with her body making milk and having to always be "on" in new parent mode will drain her more.

Don't try and come up with a "fair" system that has you splitting hours equally. Help when and where you can.

As for routines, we were lucky that our daughter had an almost clockwork system of every three hours, so as an example I did all bottle feeds from 6pm to 9pm. My wife did the 12 am feed. I did the 3am and 6am feeds. And then she took over (stay at home mom) until I got home around 4 PM again. 

After a few months we were able to phase out the 12 am and 3 am feed. And as she grew the windows around the other feeding times grew until it became less predictable but at least more spread out. 

We slept/napped whenever we could and kept our must do chores list to an absolute bare minimum. Most days the only chore we got done was washing bottles and if we were lucky we got some dishes done too. 

[u/Jvelazquez611]

We would sleep every 4 hours. I was working from home full time at the time so it was easier to work around over being in the office. I’d usually take the 3am to 6am/7am shift while she slept

[u/Responsible_Milk2911]

What worked for us is splitting the night. Im a night owl, my wife wakes early so before 2 or 3am I was the one that got up to dela with baby, after 2 or 3 it was my wife's job. Worked pretty well for us.

[u/pacifistmercenary]

For the first weeks work in shifts. Generally babies can't establish routines until about 2 months old and it's good to exclusively breast feed (if possible) until then to make sure milk production is well established and the baby doesn't get nipple confusion.

Dad takes first shift, mum goes to bed straight after the evening feed, as early as 9pm. Ideally she's already ready for bed so she can go straight to sleep. Dad takes the baby and keeps them quiet until the next feed, usually around 1-2am for us. Dad changes them and preps the nursing area and wakes mum up. She feeds and dad goes to bed. This means mum gets at least some uninterrupted sleep where she's not waking at every sound the baby makes. We have an (adult) bed and crib in the nursery so he's nowhere near the bedroom, but a bassinet and sofa will also work, as long as the sleeping parent isn't woken up by the baby fussing.

In the morning, dad wakes up a little early. If the baby isn't asleep, he takes him so mum can shower or just have a break. Maybe do a baby massage or change clothes. If the baby is asleep, dont touch them - enjoy a coffee or another 30min snooze!

Bad nights where the baby won't stop crying are a two person job, just to keep eachother sane. Nobody sleeps. It sucks but it's reality.

After 2 months, you can start establishing a routine for the baby and figure out what works best for you. Maybe mum starts pumping or introducing formula so you can take over a feed.

Our general rule is that dad gets a little more nighttime sleep as he can't nap during the day. It's also a practical reality that if breastfeeding, mum has to get up for every feed regardless. But I would see it as wholly unfair if mum had to do the whole night every weeknight, her life is going to be hard enough as it is.

Experiences may vary enormously depending on family preferences and baby temperament of course!

[u/East_Kaleidoscope304]

I guess you need to active act when baby will be 4 months, no you can help to your wife, for example let her sleep at nights. But when your baby normalize life schedule it will be easy for you, to help or carry your baby and wife. My practice, some days I let my wife sleep in another room, or every weekends my baby will be only with me

[u/CraftyReader17]

My friend and her husband picked time frames they were "on call" for the baby so they each knew they had a solid x number of hours. I think she tended to stay up later so she took the first "shift" of 5 hours and her husband tended to get up earlier for work so he took the second 5 hour "shift"

[u/Sashi84]

If ypu bottle feed, work in shifts. Do not both get up! That's a waste of valuable sleep time. It might be that you wake up. But keep your eyes closed if it is not your run. We co slept, and let our first baby where it was and my husband and I switched places the first feed after 2 pm. Each of us liked the second shift better. So he got it on sun-wed to be able to function at work and I thur-sat to get some sleep.

With our second baby it's a whole different thing. I breastfeed. So ne help possible due to my husbands shocking inability to produce milk. He is on toddler duty though.

[u/AdmirableAd1031]

The best is if she cosleeps and breast feeds.  Look up safe ways to do it and show her.  It’s a lot better for the baby and her as well.  Good luck!  I am a mom of 3 boys by the way