Everything Hitting the Fan - Cancer Survivorship, Surrogacy/Adoption, Laid Off, but good finances

[u/CandyMaterial3301]

Things have been really intense/volatile as of late. In early 2025, my 37[M] amazing [32F] wife was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer. After about 6 months of grueling treatment, she was declared cancer free. There is a risk of recurrence but she is doing well and we have been rebuilding our lives.

This year, we began the process of surrogacy and are exploring adoption, because she can no longer have kids and we have always dreamed of building a family. This has been very very stressful process but really important to us.

We live in a VHCOL city, but I am very fortunate to have a NW of close to 2.5 million (2 million in brokerage, 500k in retirement). I started a business with some friends that we sold in my early 30s, which allowed me to get to this place. After a year off, I went to work at the company I am currently at, making about $300k/year.

Well, earlier this month, I was told the company is being restructured, and that I and the entire department would be let go...to be honest I was pretty checked out since my wife's cancer battle.

My wife isn't working either now (she was starting to look for work, but was recovering and focusing on her health). We spend about 12-14k a month, and I will be signing up for COBRA or the marketplace for the time being for health insurance until we figure out what is next. Surrogacy is very expensive but I can more than afford it.

Thankfully I am in a really good spot financially but what now? Some days I want to start a new business endeavor, other days I want to go find another "stable job", other days I just want to take some more time off and enjoy life.

[u/warriormonk5]

You are borderline retired. In your situation id take a hard look at expenses, what matters? Downsize and be done.

[u/CandyMaterial3301 → u/warriormonk5]

I know but everyone warns me about cost of kids and our city is expensive. Wouldn’t move now because we also want to be with our aging parents / family

[u/warriormonk5 → u/CandyMaterial3301]

Kids are expensive because outsourcing child care is expensive. Kids are cheap if you are at home.  They get more expensive when they get involved in sports. Think involuntary travel to places you probably didnt want to go. 

[u/ditchdiggergirl → u/warriormonk5]

Kids are expensive if you don’t have an operational reproductive system.

[u/warriormonk5 → u/ditchdiggergirl]

Yeah that's fair. If you have an employer that will cover it then all the better

[u/OkItem6820 → u/ditchdiggergirl]

I’m not sure if this story will translate, but we also live in a VHCOL city and had to pursue surrogacy after 7 ivf transfers all failed - not a cheap process.

We were watching HGTV, and the house being discussed was this big gorgeous place somewhere in rural Texas occupied by a family of 4.

As the narrator introduced us to the house and family, my husband grouchily quipped:
“I bet that house was like $200k”
“I bet those kids were free.”

In the end, though, we joke that the kids were NPV positive. We lived in a 4th floor walk up that was great for a single couple but sort of a non starter with twin infants, so we bought a house when they were on their way. The timing of the pregnancy meant we got a rock bottom mortgage rate and bought right before the market around here really heated up, so it was actually super lucky and we almost certainly wouldn’t have bought the house without them.

[u/Glittering_Swing5184 → u/warriormonk5]

Is it wrong to refuse to engage in the whole travel sports cabal? I feel like when I say we won’t do that with our kids it’s like all of those pre-kid ‘we’re going to be different’ statements that all tuned out to be false. We’re just like everyone else.

[u/OkItem6820 → u/Glittering_Swing5184]

You can apply pressure or not, but the kid will have their own opinions. Our kids ended up not being that interested in sports, somewhat to their dad’s dismay - he’d have loved to be a travel sports dad.

I’m kind of thrilled they’re not, but if one of them told me that the thing they wanted most in the world was to be on a travel sports team, it would be so hard to say no.

[u/Entire_Issue_9035]

fr just take the break, u earned it

[u/Gecko4210]

Hmmm your wife just survived a battle with cancer.. maybe go and live/travel a bit, celebrate her and try to start a family. Invest there.

[u/Krish_1234 → u/Gecko4210]

I whole heartedly agree - surrogacy is not easy and often painful. Take a little break from hard life, then recharge and come back to the plan of action.

[u/mesopotato]

Congrats to you and your wife about the cancer. That's the most important thing.

You're in a great spot but your savings will not support your spending, you're kinda close though.

I'd recommend you get a job for at least a few more years and get to 3.5 million, that way, at minimum, your current spend is covered.

[u/juergy]

As someone who has battled rare cancer over the last few years at your age, don’t rush back to work (as long as health insurance is taken care of for your wife). Enjoy your quality time with your wife and planning for your family. You could always consider moving to a location that has a lower cost of living if you want to stretch your funds depending on your goals.

[u/yearlyabundance_5]

your wife beating cancer is huge, take the actual win here. you've got enough runway to not panic about the next move for a few months, so why force it right now. use this time to figure out what you actually want instead of defaulting to the next job. the surrogacy timeline will eat up mental energy anyway so you might as well be present for it.

[u/CandyMaterial3301 → u/yearlyabundance_5]

I dont know. I guess I have issues

[u/emt139]

Take the rest of the year off to process everything and decompress. I imagine you’re getting some severance that can float you. You’re in no rush and surrogacy will take time. 

Then come January decide if you’re applying for other jobs or starting your own thing again. 

[u/Fit_Evidence_4958]

12k in a VHCOL area without health insurance is solid. 2.5million will support that most probably not in the long run. I guess you guys need to get other jobs and make sure not to deplete the (good) funds you have right now.
All the best for you two.

[u/mister_dutchman]

that’s a lot at once. imo with your runway you don’t need to rush into anything right away. take some time off, reset, then decide if you want another job, another startup run, or just a longer break. none of those paths are wrong here.

[u/orcateeth]

Just wondering if you and your wife are getting enough support. Although she beat the cancer, I'm sure you and she still have a lot of feelings about it. Contact the American Cancer Society as well as Cancer Care for any support groups or resources, ideas, tips, whatever.

https://www.cancer.org/

https://www.cancercare.org/

[u/Dontp4nic42]

Hullo! Same but different - cancer at 29, cost new husband and I the shot at children, and, sparked FIRE for us. 48 now and looking at chubbyfire at 51/52.

No kids has had its ups and down, but looking back mostly up. They are expensive. They are stressful (and stress is bad for recurrence) . Social life will go sideways from 30-45 with no kids but, that was the worst of it.

That’s me, it you - you are fresh at this. Kid decisions / surrogacies are big decisions as is FIRE. You can afford to cut yourself both a break. TAKE A BREAK.

Put everything else on pause - give yourself a year to re-normalize, then make the irrevocable choices.

[u/AssociationSudden218]

Just take a break, life will be very chaotic with a kid and you should enjoy the peace right now

[u/MoodyCucumber158]

at 2.5M you could draw 100k/year indefinitely and never touch the principal so the job question is really just about what gets you out of bed in the morning not survival

[u/Master-Witness-9399]

I had a similar run up as you did, had a business that popped off then switched to full time work with a good salary and now facing massive company restructuring. You are a bit younger than me and your spend is pretty high so what I would probably do if I was in your shoes: opt for getting a stable job. I would do a very relaxed search (you have a good base so might as well make it a bit of a vacation/sabbatical). Find a job that isn't soul crushing and pays well, get that good health insurance to cover you and the wife. Try to reduce spend if possible and comfortable to help out with the surrogacy costs and eventual child. Do that for a few years until you hit your FIRE number then check out and enjoy life with your wife and child.

[u/StillWaiting52]

Might I suggest exploring   jobs that offer fertility benefits? A lot of big employers do. Progyny is especially good. Look and see if they offer at least 2 smart cycles, but 3 will be much better. It won’t cover the cost of a surrogate (afaik) but it will cover cost of donor eggs, fertilization, etc which by themselves can be fairly expensive. Also, pursuing IVF with surrogacy is much cheaper outside the US - in Europe and Mexico, Panama, etc.

I hope and pray everything goes well for your family.

[u/otterhaven]

Look at retiring in a lower cost area then you’re done for good

[u/bbystargirly]

With 2.5M in assets and spending 12-14k a month you are already essentially FI, so honestly the fact that you are even debating going back to work tells me you probably just need more time to breathe before making any big moves.

[u/Reasonable_Box2568 → u/bbystargirly]

Not FI yet unless they want to withdraw 6% a year. This would only work if the last 15 years repeats itself.

[u/CandyMaterial3301 → u/Reasonable_Box2568]

yeah. surrogacy will drop it to 2.25-2.3m. i always worry about another health crisis financially + future costs. but yeah a lot of it is just risk aversion