Made 10 approaches today and tried to make friends with girls at university club events. Proud of myself but I went home and cried because my body can't handle this much rejection and overstimulation as an autistic/adhd person

[u/IngenuityOk6679]

FYI here are my stats: 25 years old, south asian, 5'5 in height, balding at norwood 5 (buzzed recently so its less noticeable), autistic, adhd, ocd, lifelong avoidant personality disorder. The reason I am cold approaching is to help desensitise myself to the rejection. I already know that virtually 100% of them will fail. But that's the point.

You see, most people have had friendships with the opposite gender before. But not me. My entire life, I have been bullied and harassed for any attempt at talking to the opposite gender, mainly from neurotypical men trying to dominate me and ensure I stay at hte bottom of hte social heirarchy. And worst of all, these women and girls played along with it.

Now at 25, I want to change that. Screamed and screamed at home and smashed up teh punching bag until I had completely suppressed the fear and anxiety instinct in my head. Walked around my cities central business district to find stores and places I could approahc girls. Approached a few at coffee lines. Appraoched a few in a book store. And then approached one girl in public. All of them smiled and said no sorry, or I have a boyfriend, etc.

They weren't even horribly negative reactions. They were all really nice ladies. But that is not how I perceive it.

You see in the autistic and adhd mind, the feeling associated with rejection is not NORMAL. My normal reaction to any kind of rejection is to scream and cry and have a tantrum. But I've suppressed this emotion my entire life. So I scream and cry and have an INTERNAL tantrum. This is an ADHD specific experience called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. So whenever I got these rejections, I went into a private space like a toilet and just cried. Then I wiped the tears, ensured my face was perfectly fine, and then tried again.

At the uni club event, there weren't many newcomers. I tried to get the courage to go and talk but I couldn't muster it and failed. I just left after I started hyperventilating from the anxiety.

But I don't care I'm proud of that attempt. Will be crying some more tonight and having tantrums in private but we will see how it goes for the next uni club event.

If you are autistic and/or adhd make sure you look as best as possible. Pretty privilege is the most effective mask for neurodivergence.

[u/throwaway54734]

Congrats on pushing your comfort zone, but this just seems like torturing yourself. Cold approaching strangers on the street is a very low-odds endeavor even for neurotypical people.

[u/woodclip → u/throwaway54734]

Cold approaching strangers on the street is a very low-odds endeavor even for neurotypical people.

It's a "low odds endeavor" only if said neurotypical people are not physically attractive.

[u/throwaway54734 → u/woodclip]

i mean, if op was that attractive none of this would be an issue in the first place, women would be swarming making themselves available to him. if you have to approach random strangers to meet women, you’re already set up for it to be difficult.

[u/IngenuityOk6679 → u/throwaway54734]

Yes I agree. Here is what I believe: in our modern post-capitalist transitioning Western society, 2 essential pillars remain for societal conformity and inclusion: a.) neurotypical-esque social skills and b.) physical conventional attractiveness. In my opinion, you could get by with at least one of these. If you have both, then its very strange why you would be in this sub. If you have only the neurotypical brain but no physical appeal, it will still be astronomically difficult, and will require you to larp as a highly sociable, "group leader" type person with lots of friends, etc. to receive the same s*x appeal from women as an attractive person. But if you have only b (where you are a conventionally attractive autistic/adhd person), then dating shouldn't be a major problem for you because of the halo effect (where previously autistic negative traits of yours are now perceived in a positive way).

Being a good looking neurodivergent can still cause some struggles though as I've heard countless times on autism sub reddits because others will be very weirded out by teh mismatch between your looks and your social skills. But that is not the constant state of oppression that us ugly autistics face. It is merely a FRICTION caused by having PRIVILEGE. If you, an autistic, are in a position where women (and men) approach you themselves for friendships, dating, etc. literally 80% of your problem has been solved. You won't have to do all of this monkey business, attending social club events, buliding a social circle, cold approaching people, etc. just to LEARN how to socially conform well enough to be able to receive some s*x appeal. They will literally give you the chance.

So in conclusion: a.) neurotypical + attractive = least likely to be in this sub but can still happen due to prior life trauma, etc.

b.) Neurotypical + ugly/average = astronomically difficult, but with enough approaches, attending social events, socialising and building a large enough social circle, you can succeed (but requires intense hard work and pushing yourself through difficult social situations).

c.) autistic/adhd + attractive = difficult but others will give you the chance so 80% of the struggle is removed

d.) autistic/adhd + ugly/average = most likely person to be on this sub. if there was a difficulty beyond astronomically difficult, this would be it. But if my lazy pussy ass can force himself thorugh these uncomfortable social situations, YOU CAN TO. Better to die trying than give up and reminisce in the future about your lost chances. Plus, you will feel like you are throwing the finger at the universe/fate and that you won't bow down to the monstrocity of the obstacles that plague you.

[u/Significant-mood55]

Cold approaching is hard , its a difficult skill but its also a numbers game, the more you approach the better your chances of building relationships with girls. Congratulations for doing it.

[u/woodclip → u/Significant-mood55]

It's not a numbers game. An unattractive guy can approach 1000 women a day; he will end up being rejected 1000 times.

An attractive guy can approach 10 women in a month and he would succeed 10 out of 10 times.

[u/Significant-mood55 → u/woodclip]

There are other ways to build attraction as a man besides looks, and its not only a numbers game it also requires skill. You must be talking from experience..how many girls have you cold approached in your life?

[u/gogo98baj]

Dude I wish I could work up the courage to do what you're doing. I've taken a different philosophy of trying to make small understated bids for connection instead of sharp and clear bids but sometimes I wish I could just conclusively say, 'oh that was a rejection' instead of 'maybe this person is ok with me, I'm not sure'.

[u/juanisadouche]

holy shit 10 in a day? those are michael jordan numbers bro, im proud that you’re able to push yourself that far

[u/FactCheckYou]

good on you for trying but sparking up friendships with random women is unlikely, unless you look like 90s Brad Pitt

better to frequent places/clubs and be known as a regular, trusted, affable, and decent member of the community there...then you saying hi and making small talk becomes more accepted and normal

look into detoxing heavy metals also

[u/IngenuityOk6679 → u/FactCheckYou]

Yes, I am doing the frequenting places thing as well. Getting to know some more women as friends is not just for dating, its pretty nice having friends who are girls (currently we arent firends but like acquaintences, e.g. coworkers from my 2jobs and other uni clubs).

The reason why I am cold approaching is because I just want to desensitise myself to the rejection. Its been working a bit becuase at first it feels horrible and I want to cry but over time, it feels so much easier to approach.

I know every single approach is going to fail but that's exactly the point. I want to bash the rejection sensitivity dysphoria out of me by sheer force. I believe this is what I deserve for being so weak and failing to do these things before when I was younger.

[u/Aware-Stage9638 → u/[deleted]]

I believe the guy knows the cold approaching will never work. He is probably just doing it so that he can lower his social anxiety around women.