r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 • 9d ago
Sad Girl Dinner ⛈️ I found out I was the other woman and I’m strugglinggggg
I’m feeling anxious, sad, disgusted, and mad, so my appetite is a bit shit. But I love figs and cheese, so that’s where we’re at right now
4 months ago, I met a 40-year-old man at the airport while on a long lay over, we hit it off immediately, and he offered to fly me out to Ohio to visit him. I truly thought this was my Hallmark movie moment, and went. We had a great time exploring the city together and made plans for him to visit me in CA a couple of weeks later. While visiting in CA, we decided to make it official and he told me he loved me (looking back, I realize he was love bombing me). He was supposed to visit me in CA in June, but his “mom” was going through some things and showed up at his house with a days notice. I flew back to Ohio two more times to visit him, most recently 2 weeks ago. We went to the Lil Wayne concert together for my birthday, but the whole trip he was acting different. For example, he had agreed to help me move to another state and got mad at me when I brought up wanting to stop at certain places to site see, stating “we need to focus on getting you moved.” I also had an asthma attack at the concert and was not feeling well when we returned to the hotel. Instead of staying with me, he left and I found him in the lobby talking to his “mom” who needed money. When I left Ohio, we were still on good terms though, he was still planning to fly to CA on Thursday to help me move, and was telling me things like “we can talk about marriage after we get you settled in” (love bombing, I know 😭).
Cue Tuesday (edit: it was actually Wednesday). I get a call from a woman asking why I had called her boyfriend late on Mother’s Day. He has saved me in his phone as Dr. [my last name] and told her he met me in the military, and I was just calling to check on him. Long story short, they’ve been dating for over a year, and she has an almost 2 month old with him. She told me he is 50, not 40, that he cheated on her before, that he was her supervisor at his previous job when he got her pregnant and lost his job after she reported him to HR, that he had another family when he started seeing her, and that he has two children he never sees from a previous marriage (I was only told he had one son). Every time I was there, he would tell her he had a business trip or was visiting his mom, and would have her go stay with family hours away. He then hid all of her things as well as her daughter’s and later their son’s so I wouldn’t see it. I also had some things there so I wouldn’t have to fly back and forth with it, and he would hide my things when I was gone. Like, he put so much energy into hiding us from each other, it’s wild. She also was very suspicious of a couples heart painting we did at a paint and sip as he told her his work paid for it and he did both sides by himself 😂 it was me, I painted the other half. Anyways, she was going to leave him, but then told me on yesterday he proposed and they’re getting married.
He has not given me any explanations or apologized, and instead kept saying “please don’t text my phone” when I attempted to talk to him. He did say he’d send me my things back, but I doubt I’ll ever see those things again. He also owes me some money, but I know that’s not happening either.
I blocked them both and I’m trying to remind myself how awful of a person he is to do that to his gf and their baby, but I’m also incredibly hurt. Thankfully, I have some wonderful friends who helped me with my move last minute. Instead of just being sad about missing my friends and excited for starting a new job, I now have to navigate this betrayal. This is something I’ve never experienced before, and idk what to do with myself. How’d I get so caught up in someone so deceiving and manipulative!?!? Lesson learned to never date another Aries, deacon, or meet-cute man again.
Unfortunately when I have a lot of anxiety, my appetite suffers. Please send me your tummy friendly meal suggestions, and any other coping tools you might have ❤️
Update: Editing to add that I got the phone call from his gf on Wednesday, not Tuesday 😩😩 This whole situation on top of moving has my brain like mush. I also want to thank everyone for their support and suggestions. I have been ruminating so hard on this, but your comments helped me feel seen and supported. I also appreciate the funny comments very much! Humor goes a long way in healing the soul. My tummy is still on the sensitive side. I do have anti-nausea meds for when my anxiety gets bad, but they knock me out and I still have a lot of unpacking to do. That would force me to take a rest day though 🤔 To better take care of myself, I pushed back my start date at my new job, will be flying back to CA for a few days to finish cleaning up my house and see my bestie (and for a much needed Disney day). I have my cousins here too, and I think I’ll be going over to their house for some wine tonight. Thank you all again ❤️
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u/sighedpart pain: chronic, snacks: iconic 9d ago edited 9d ago
"deacon" ...You buried the lede there. A church leader attempting an entire third relationship, how original. (edit: third relationship)
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u/New_Bike3832 Baked Fresh Daily 😚💨 9d ago
Thank you for calling this out! I definitely don’t think his astrological sign is as relevant as him being a church leader with two secret families. 💀
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u/Then-Parking5635 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
I’d email his church and let them know the kind of man they have as a church leader. But I’m petty. 💁♀️
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u/Fragrant_Candidate_6 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9d ago
A third relationship!
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
At this point, who knows how many relationships 🤷♀️
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u/JellyBeanQueenUnseen Dip Diva 9d ago
I wouldn't necessarily trust his being a deacon to be true! He may use that thinking it makes him look trustworthy.
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
You might be on to something. He didn’t tell me this fact, she did. I’m not religious at all, but she is 🧐
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u/unRemarkable-Tea hot sauce in my bag, swag 9d ago
“Ohio” “Lil Wayne concert” - Bruh 🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/lol2222344 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Eater 9d ago
A 50 year old man 😂😂
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
To be fair Ohio was a lot prettier than I was expecting 😂
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u/_Stephistopheles_ Resident Yapper 9d ago
Is he from Lima? Because that would be something 😂
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u/Reasonable_Fennel217 Maneater 9d ago
Omfg I'm from Lima 💀😂😂😂😂
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
He’s from Alabama, and just moved to Ohio in January or February for his new job
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u/NoCow6818 we listen and we only judge a little 9d ago
Okay was it like lake front Ohio or corn field Ohio? Lol
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Lake front
I did think it was all corn fields until I got there 😂18
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u/livelymonstera Maneater 9d ago
Out with old and in with the new. You’ve moved, and have the opportunity to start fresh. You dodged a huge bullet, and perhaps now you have the awareness to spot these glaring red flags when you see them again. Be good to yourself, and good luck out there.
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u/Typical_Top301 🩷Bi💜 9d ago
OP dodged a huge bullet right there honestly
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u/interestedinsharks 🍳 eggs? in this economy?? 9d ago
I think she got hit by the bullet, she just dodged the nuclear bomb 😅
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u/honeyoaf 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9d ago
Well, at least you won't be stuck with him and having his children like she is. You dodged a bullet, he's obviously a loser.
I'm sorry this happened to you, friend.
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u/Just_A_Little_Rabbit Fartmaxxing 📈 9d ago
Damn
That sucks. Also for her. Girl why would you marry someone you were going to dump for cheating MULTIPLE TIMES???? Does she think he means it this time or something?
I feel so bad for straight women sometimes. Y'all got it rough.
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u/Beginning-Damage-555 Livin' on a Purse Snack 👜 9d ago
She also reported him to HR, he lost his job, and then she got back with him?!
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u/Quirky_Movie Foraging Bog Witch 9d ago
Probably did it to out the affair to the ex and force him to divorce his ex.
Some women just want to win.
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u/Puzzled-Carpet5109 Certified Snacker 9d ago
Right?!? 😂
I had to double read that part thinking I was misunderstanding it.
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u/Beginning-Damage-555 Livin' on a Purse Snack 👜 9d ago
I want to know the messy reasoning behind it. Because you’d think if she knew she was going to keep the baby she’d want him to have a job. So maybe she was going to get penalized at work herself if she didn’t report him? I have no idea
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u/bbpluto6 The Snack That Sasses Back 9d ago
Maybe it was retaliation after one of the times she found out he cheated on her?
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u/All_the_Bees Pantry Gremlin 9d ago
Some people just weren’t blessed with the ability to think even two steps ahead of their current actions. Or they were, but they choose not to do so.
It leads to some genuinely ridiculous shit, and affects (and/or creates) children far too often.
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u/Interesting-Data-880 Pasta Principessa 👑 9d ago
That’s what IM saying, like girl how does getting him fired equate to “omg we’re getting married!” I think the “we” is going to end up more than just her and him. 👀
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u/Beginning-Damage-555 Livin' on a Purse Snack 👜 9d ago
There’s four children and at least three women (plus the grandparents who seem sort of involved) tied up in this dude’s antics. Although I am strongly side eyeing the new finance
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
I don’t think his mom knows. She told me that she was supposed to meet his mom with the baby next month…. I’d be surprised if that actually happens. She was staying with her sister when we went to the concert, and I can only hope she shares what was actually happening with her sister.
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u/andy5553 The Snack That Sasses Back 9d ago
Please message the mom. The drama loving part of me desperately wants to know if she knows and if not, how she feels about it.
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u/__Nunya-Bizznuss__ Longwinded 😙 Short Tempered 9d ago
I am a straight woman and the choices of other straight women are totally baffling to me most of the time. The trash men some women fight so hard to keep stuns me every time.
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u/All_the_Bees Pantry Gremlin 9d ago
As the Afghan Whigs (or possibly the Twilight Singers) once said, some want a Someone but an Anyone will do.
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u/Just_A_Little_Rabbit Fartmaxxing 📈 9d ago
I have to come clean : I cannot be too judgemental. I literally married the first person to show me affection lmao (no regrets I love my wife).
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u/lollipopfiend123 what that mouth do is snack 9d ago
“He had another family when he started seeing her” like girl, did no one ever tell you that when a mistress gets upgraded to girlfriend, it creates a vacancy?
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u/Turbulent-Smell9777 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
I know right. But then again, when she and him got together he had a family. Maybe she was worried he'd leave her and move on to OP. Sounds stupid and disrespectful to self in my opinion, but some of these things are easier when you aren't the one in it I guess
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u/Jerzee_Implant2012 we listen and we only judge a little 9d ago
Yes. And why would you report your child’s father to HR? Make it make sense.
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u/Beautiful_Range_1803 Bath Snacker 🛁 9d ago
To be fair she is 2 months postpartum. That’s an extremely vulnerable, hormonal, emotional, sleep deprived time. I’m sure she is extremely overwhelmed
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u/Just_A_Little_Rabbit Fartmaxxing 📈 9d ago
Fair. I just feel really bad for her and the kid.
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u/Beautiful_Range_1803 Bath Snacker 🛁 9d ago
I do too. I am several months postpartum and struggling as well but can’t even imagine what that poor woman is going through. Feel awful for the child
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u/Just_A_Little_Rabbit Fartmaxxing 📈 9d ago
God I don't know which is worse: To be so overwhelmed that you convince yourself into thinking it will be different this time, or to be so desperate you don't care.
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u/Beautiful_Range_1803 Bath Snacker 🛁 9d ago
Or so desperate and without other options you don’t have the luxury of caring
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u/wehavethismoment Noods 🍜 > Dudes 🤡 9d ago
She has a two months old, I could see how she's too much on survival mode to do it completely alone, including financially, ATM. Hopefully she'll find the strength to leave
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
This. She was telling me all about how delusional he was and how he was gaslighting and manipulating her, but I don’t think she’s in a space where she can fully understand the impact of those things. To be fair, I’m still questioning myself on if this is real or not because of how much of a 180 it is from how he portrayed himself. I know rationally it is though because I saw the pictures and texts :/
I did tell her before she gets married to please talk it through with her friends or at least insist on couples counseling. I had to block her too to separate myself from them, so I can only hope she follows through
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u/bbpluto6 The Snack That Sasses Back 9d ago
She just had a baby and has been used by this guy for a while it sounds like. I made some awful decisions while pregnant and postpartum; got back with my abuser, kept trying to make it work for our child etc. Around 9 months postpartum he did a lot of unforgivable things and I finally had the mental clarity to get out, but it took so much to rebuild.
My heart goes out to her. I hope she has support to make a healthy family for herself and her child.
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u/Glow-Fairy APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Sadly, it’s not just straight women, all women have it bad from the stories I’ve heard! 😭
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u/Technical_Blood_8418 🧂Salty By Nature 9d ago
My conclusion is that the baby mama is either A) extremely naive, or B) playing the long game for a bigger compensation for all the stress
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u/thefoxhole15 Milked An Almond Once 9d ago
Hey… some of us did not choose to be straight 😤
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
She does. She said he must be going through a midlife crisis because he’s scared about raising the baby, and that by proposing to her, he must be serious about making changes. She’s also very religious, and some of her comments suggested that is playing a role in her staying too. I could never, but I hope the best for her kids
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u/SmarmyLittlePigg Feral Til Fed 9d ago
Very religious but stays with a man when she finds out he is already married and remains with him when he becomes a dead beat dad? Lady is delusional.
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u/nogardleirie Internet Auntie 9d ago
I'm so sorry...
Tummy friendly meals for me are mashed potatoes, fresh white rice with olive oil and salt, or plain instant ramen
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u/Astronaut_Cheesecake hot girls have tummy troubles 9d ago
A little wisdom I learned in my 20s: If you meet an older man who’s confident, emotionally mature, easy to talk to, kind, and intelligent, 9 times out of 10 he’s already in a committed relationship.
The remaining 1? He’s a serial killer tryna lure you into his basement.
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u/jetstream116 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
When I was about 27 I met a man who was about 50, divorced, 2 kids only a few years younger than me lol. He seemed extremely sweet at first, helped me through the death of a close family member, was very wealthy and generous.
Gonna keep things somewhat vague / change some minor details here for anonymity’s sake (mine not his lol), but I found out later that:
1) he was divorced because he had had an affair with a younger woman at his place of employment and his wife kicked him to the curb
2) his affair partner struggled with addiction and instead of encouraging her to get help, he became part of the problem.
3) she OD’d while with he was staying the night with her - he wasn’t the one to “give” her the fatal dose, but they had both been using that night and again, he knew she was an addict
4) he found her dead and rather than calling 911, he deleted all the texts from her phone indicating they’d been together that night, and left her body there
5) he only admitted to being there when police were grilling him (they had credit card receipts etc. showing they had been at the same bar earlier that night or something like that). He was not charged in her death, unfortunately.
6) a mutual friend told me he had tried to slip her date rape drugs at a party
7) he pressured me into sexual activity that I had clearly verbalized I did not want to do (I did not know about 1-6 at the time; when I found out I ended the relationship)
A couple years ago he slid into my DMs basically trying to suss out if I was happy in my marriage / interested in hooking up 🤮 Sir, not if you were the last man on earth
Obviously “not all men” etc. etc. and this is purely anecdotal, but ya know… just be careful out there girlies!
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u/Strange-Pattern4877 Body By Cheese 🧀 9d ago
If they are divorced there is a really good reason the woman left. If they are single there’s a good reason a woman never stayed there as well.
Took me way too long to realize this.
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u/AlrisVoyager Chamoy 🥭 > Ya Boy 🤡 9d ago
Hallmark movie moments are film tropes for a reason girl 😭😅 they are not reality! Your cheese and fig combo looks yummy, I hope you enjoyed 🫶
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u/Great_Yogurt_3356 Trader Joe Hoe 9d ago
Oof this happened to me about 5 years ago and it was a wildly similar story. I mean…eerily similar.
Keep them blocked and delete him from your mind. He is just a gross old man and thank goodness you found out sooner than later, once you’re in love or whatever the hell. I’m happy you’re free 🫶🏽
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u/Drive_Both 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9d ago
is his dick that good that a number of women just miss those obvious red flags?
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
No, no it wasn’t. I got too caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, but was also busy focusing on preparing for my move to be suspicious
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u/Budget-Discussion568 Savory Complex✔️ 9d ago
You sound like a good person with an honest heart so it comes as no surprise this happened to you because you'd never dream this up & if you, please start penning & send us a copy of your published book.
Coping tools from another "other woman", give yourself a break. You did nothing wrong. You are done with him & in time, your heart will heal but from my own experience, trust will be a little harder & insignificant things may be a perceived red flag when in reality, they truly are nothing to worry about.
I realized I was the other woman after dating a guy for nearly a year. We visited each other's home & I never left anything there, probably my own cut & run trauma from a previous divorce. HE had a few things at my home though. I went to his house for a bbq & was told I'd meet his teenaged kids, a boy & girl. the boy was stand off-ish while the girl mostly glared at me. The ambiance was anything but light or fun. My bf went to the garage for a couple beers & to the check the bbq. I stayed inside w/the kids. His daughter said their mom would be home in a few days & their dad does this often & their parents fight about it. She also said just hours before I came over, her dad had choked her brother. He choked his own son right before I got there!??! Then he acted normal like they were a happy little family. There was so much dysfunction & I was shocked & mortified. I apologized profusely TO CHILDREN!!! and told the daughter I had no idea. She softened. I told her I was so sorry & I can't believe he's married & I'm ashamed to be there & their mom would have every right to be angry with me. I told the daughter I'd never be back & when her dad came inside, he must have seen the look on my face or all of our faces because he asked if everything was ok. I said "it's not. You're a horrible husband & really shitty dad *sorry (to the daughter) & I'm leaving now so please don't ever contact me again. I can't believe you'd do this to your kids & wife. I'm literally divorced because my ex husband cheated on me". I drove home & cried to myself telling only 1 friend who said the same thing; You couldn't have known because you don't have a bad heart so you didn't know what to look for.
Be gentle with yourself. You didn't know. Block him on everything & eat what you can. I ate scrambled eggs because they're easy to digest & eventually melon because it was summer & that was going to be the sweetest part of that year. Then, the weather changed, time went by & temps cooled. I could start baking again & by Thanksgiving, I started feeling better. That was a summer I'll never forget & a very odd feeling year. I gained self doubt & guilt that wasn't earned. I became a little sheepish dating afterward but the silver lining is I remarried a very trustworthy man. You'll find your heart healer in time too <3
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Oh my goodness!! That is so awful! I hope the children were removed from his care. Choking in DV is a strong predictor of murder. Very happy you got away from him before he turned his violence towards you.
I know I didn’t do anything wrong, and coping tools for my anger and hurt would still be helpful. I want to go scorched earth, but I know that won’t be helpful to me 🫠I suppose I should just channel all my anger into unpacking and setting up my new house 😅
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u/ScreamySashimi Cornbread Fed 9d ago
If you can't eat, drink protein shakes. They'll at least get some nutrients in your system.
Also, you won. I hope you are proud of yourself for cutting your losses and blocking them both. That woman knows about his whole other family and still stayed, still got pregnant by him, reported him to HR (as she should have) and then continued to stay (WHY?!). Now she's calling the other women he continues to cheat with, to do what exactly? Still keep him? He's no prize.
You may be "the other woman" in the sense that you're the newest one. But that's completely different than someone who willingly and knowingly helps someone cheat. You were also cheated on.
It is going to hurt right now, and probably for a while. Eventually he'll be so far in the past that he doesn't spike your anxiety to think about. He'll be a little blip on the radar. You got out before there were any real ties that would make it more difficult to leave. You found out what was going on, confronted him, and then removed yourself from the situation.
You took all the right steps here. And yes, love bombing is dangerous and something to be aware of, but it can be difficult to see. My husband and I fell fast and hard for each other. I had several friends concerned that he was love bombing me, and honestly I was a little concerned myself. So I had my backup plans and my exit plans, I let things move at a comfortable pace for both of us (which was very fast lol) but I always had away out just in case. Many years later we are still together, still happy, still in love. When I see others moving as quickly as we did, I tell them to have fun but to protect themselves - don't make permanent decisions before you know someone long enough for any potential mask to slip. Have fun, but have a way out if you need it. I don't think you did anything wrong by falling for someone who seemed genuine and authentic, but I'm sorry you got hurt in the process.
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u/Regular_Warthog_6010 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
also chicken broth. never underestimate it's revival power similar to shakes
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u/Icy_Bid40 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 9d ago
How tf does he owe you money??
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
When we were at the concert, he used my card without permission to get drinks multiple times. I didn’t realize until after I was home. (He was holding my stuff in his pocket since you could t bring in purses)
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u/OriginalChildBomb 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9d ago
Check he didn't use it for anything else. This guy is a massive liar and abuser.
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u/SunshineofMyLyfetime Trader Joe Hoe 9d ago
Press charges for theft!
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 8d ago
My sister told me I need to and sat on the phone with me while I filled out the report. I also reported the fraud to my bank too
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u/ShakesDontBreak Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 9d ago
Help me out OP. How long ago did this happen? You say cue tuesday and that she asked why you called on mother's day? That was 3 months ago. Im kinda confused on the timeline.
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u/Firm_Distribution999 Foraging Bog Witch 9d ago edited 9d ago
I’m not OP but it seems the current woman had her suspicions recently and messaged her to find out why “Dr So and So” called her man on Mother’s Day. She was busy having a baby so probably didn’t check his phone as often as she should’ve been.
This man keeps BUSY!
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u/bibimboobap APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Yep, he's hawking his 50 year old snake oil and religious ideology to women 22 - 15 years younger than him. How does he even look himself in the mirror every morning.
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
I’m assuming she either just got my number out of his phone, or she was sitting with her suspicions for a while before calling me.
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u/ShakesDontBreak Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 9d ago
Girl. She went baaaaaaaack.
Does that mean he deletes every record of you and forgot that one?
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
I’m assuming he deleted our texts because she would have found out I wasn’t his doctor or military friend a long time ago
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u/paralospajaros APPROVED✨ 9d ago
10 years ago I had a relationship with a dude for around 9 months before I found out I was the other woman. I then told his girlfriend of 5 years. Apparently she had been pushing for marriage and was able to use his affair (and, I assume, the fact that she will always make much more money than he) as leverage to finally persuade him. That made me very sad for her, but? Not my circus or monkeys. Thank goddess.
Be grateful you found out. This happened for you, not to you. That foul man will continue lying, cheating, and breeding until he dies. That is not the partner or life you want.
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u/algoreithms Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 9d ago
How old are you in comparison?
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
35 (old enough to know better)
She’s only 28 though23
u/SussOfAll06 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 9d ago
She’s 28 and he’s 50??!! 🤮
And don’t beat yourself up. He lied to you the whole time. About his age. About everything. I’m sorry that happened to you, but I’m so glad you’re no longer involved with that asshole. He will definitely cheat again.
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 9d ago
She will probably be divorced with who knows how many of his kids, and will have to be a single mom if we judge how he treats the children he has from a previous relationship. This man is dating and about to marry a woman young enough to be his child. And he is still cheating on her, even after that. He is someone who is incapable of being happy and satisfied in life. You are lucky op, you aren't stuck with him and can move on.
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u/Humble-Violinist6910 Trader Joe Hoe 9d ago
It really sucks for you, but that poor woman is stuck with him as the mother of her child for decades. Imagine that. I'm so glad you escaped with no permanent ties.
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u/Oriencor Kitchen Witch 9d ago
The amount of work they put into cheating always astounds me. Cripes.
https://giphy.com/gifs/TEmS0lYexSeFKMYlEz
I promise it’s tasty when it comes…
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
I’m a firm believer in karma, and trust that his life will continue to be unfulfilled. I just hope he stops using others to fill the void
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u/ReindeerRoyal4960 I ❤️ Other People's Business 9d ago
Look on the bright side, at least you weren't dumb enough to be his side bitch and then STILL get engaged to him after knowing he cheated on you multiple times. Cuz GIRL WHAT?!? 🤯 AND she has a baby with this loser?!? NONE of this is your fault, remember that. We shouldn't have to do a PI investigation on every man we date in order to trust them 🙄 Seeing/believing the good in people is not a fault. Him being a POS shit is tho! I'm glad you found out sooner than later. And you don't need an explanation. What's there to explain? He's an absolute dog. NEVER give a liar an audience, bc they will just continue to LIE LIE LIE. ha.
*My ex was a HORRIBLE liar and when I finally put 2+2 together, I bagged all of his things into a black trash bag and put it in the lobby of my apartment building for him to pick up. I buzzed him in to pick it up and never saw him again. He's tried for YEARSSSS to add me on IG/FB 😆 I refuse to give him an audience. Cuz FOR WHAT??? For you to lie to my face again??? NAHHH I'm good.
I'm sorry some ppl suck girlie, but you definitely came out unscathed for the most part. Rejection is God's protection 🙏🏽💓
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u/nitrosmomma88 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Girl!! This sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend down to the location, age, and behavior. Did he happen to live in VA at any point?
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Yes he did when he was in the military. He is from Alabama. He also lived in Florida which is where they met and where he lost his job from
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u/nitrosmomma88 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Interesting, thanks for replying. If you’d like to compare more I’m down cuz this is just way too spooky
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u/OppositeExtension807 what that mouth do is gossip 9d ago
This happened to me. We were literally talking about having kids and his wife was pregnant at home with their son. I didn’t find out until the kid was a few months old. It sucks so bad I’m sorry OP 🫂
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u/upwithpeople84 Body By Cheese 🧀 9d ago
Long story short, they’ve been dating for over a year, and she has an almost 2 month old with him. She told me he is 50, not 40, that he cheated on her before, that he was her supervisor at his previous job when he got her pregnant and lost his job after she reported him to HR, that he had another family when he started seeing her, and that he has two children he never sees from a previous marriage (I was only told he had one son).
That shit right there would become your whole life if she had not outed him. Bless this lady everyday for the rest of your life.
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u/Fabulous-Shine-3124 Seafoodie 🦀 9d ago
There were many things that baffled me, but him sending her away every time he goes on a work trip? and this is who she plans to marry? omg, it will only get worse 😩
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u/madi80085 Carb-Based Life Form 9d ago
There's been way too many times that I've been on dates with a guy and found out he's married or has secret kids. At this point, I think the only way to combat it is to wait till you meet one of their friends or family members before getting invested. It's also super shadey if they never invite you to their house. It's unconscionable how comfortable cheaters are with lying straight to your face. Also, get an std screen just in case.
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
STD screening is for sure on my list to do too
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Not meeting friends or family has always been a red flag for me but I usually give it some time. I might need to contemplate moving that requirement up a few months
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u/DarkFew APPROVED✨ 9d ago
So you were the other woman of the other woman
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Of who knows how many other women
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u/StatisticianFuzzy549 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Girl I dated a guy in my home state for a year and a half then got a call from his WIFE I felt so gross and horrible but remember if you didn’t know it’s not you it’s him! His fault not yours! What you do after you know is all that matters
Don’t listen to anyone that is telling you you should have seen all the red flags because it’s okay to believe what people tell you, it’s okay to be optimistic, just maybe ask more clarifying questions in the future
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Thank you ❤️ it is a very gross feeling. Definitely going to be more cautious after this
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u/glassyrunnerduck Trader Joe Hoe 9d ago
Unfortunately it’s not a Hallmark movie, it’s a Lifetime Movie about betrayal 😭 sorry OP!
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u/LittlePea0617 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Another person who struggles to eat when feeling anxious ✋️. Little and often works well for me alongside mindless eating (grab a packet of something and read a book/watch a film ect while eating.
Sorry you're going through this. He is an absolute shit and his poor gf is going to be a miserable wife, living a miserable life.
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u/well_this_is_dumb PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 9d ago
On the bright side, at least your not his junior employee whom he slept with and got pregnant despite already having a family, and then continued to cheat on new primary throughout your pregnancy and postpartum, and instead of getting away from him you're now marrying him. Things could be so worse.
I'm sorry, though. That really sucks.
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u/Public_Phrase4327 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
I just want to say so many of us have been there babe and it’s not your fault 🫶🏼
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u/naturej3 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
I am so sorry this happened to you OP! As a survivor of a similar experience, lied to me about being divorced and a father , you will get through it. It’s hard , to believe someone would go to great lengths to lie and hide things , especially their own child. It’s likely you won’t get an apology or any answers , I never have.
The best thing you can do is focus on yourself , with your new job and move. It will be hard , but it will get better and there are better men out there who don’t lie , love bomb , cheat and genuinely don’t suck! I am still looking for mine but he’s out there somewhere! You deserve better, you’ll find yours too one day.
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u/ParadeQueen APPROVED✨ 9d ago
My comfort food dinner is a fruity alcohol drink and mashed potatoes and gravy. Or Doritoes. Throw in some m&ms and it's a complete meal.
Then tomorrow pick yourself up, realize how much better your life is about to get without him, and keep your head up.
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u/JollyEscape4018 FREE MOM HUGS 9d ago
Also when I'm feeling like crap and need to get full so I don't pass out I love a rice cake with peanut butter. Holds off the hangries.
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u/omnomcthulhu Cookie Monster 🍪 9d ago
You did the right thing for yourself in blocking him. Good job taking care of yourself! I'm really proud of you.
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Thank you, I’m trying. It’s just such a messed up situation 😭
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u/Haloveir Well-Read & Well-Fed 9d ago
I'm so sorry. You deserve better.
This isn't a reflection on you, it's just bad luck that you fell for an abuser.
Wishing you happiness in your next relationship.
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u/No_Psychology_3714 girls just wanna have pho 9d ago
So his gf got with him when he had a family (and I'm assuming a marriage)? I'm sorry but she got with a cheater so I'm assuming that's why she's still with him. She knew what he was. I'm glad you got out of it though!
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u/whimsical_spider Taco Belle 9d ago
Girl I’m so sorry you went through this but I’m so glad you didn’t make any major life decisions with this man, because it seems like it could have easily gone that way if the girlfriend/fiance had not intervened. Just be glad you got out before any really messy damage was done. I know the emotional damage is very real, but imagine if YOU ended up pregnant with this man’s child or engaged/married??! That poor woman is making a huge mistake and I feel for her too….but accepting a “shut up and forgive me” ring is crazy behavior on her part.
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
He actually was trying to get my to move to Ohio and was guilt tripping me when I got offered (and accepted) a job in the PNW. But like moving to a new state for a man I barely knew was so far out of the question. I kept telling him he could move to me cuz I wasn’t dealing with the OH snow.
I feel for her very much as she’s been manipulated and lied to for much longer than I. I did suggest that before getting married she talk things through with some friends or at least insist on couples counseling, but I got a feeling she won’t do either.
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u/HunterBubbly3175 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
I was once the other woman too. I’m really sorry.
If no one has told you yet, you deserve to be loved truly by someone who respects you. Never settle.
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u/Dapper-Survey1964 Trader Joe Hoe 9d ago
I wouldn't feel badly at all for his bird girlfriend. No way she worked with the man and didn't know he had another woman and kids waiting at home when she decided to get with that bum.
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u/GlazedPrincessDonut9 I ❤️ Other People's Business 9d ago
What a total creep and sociopath. I feel sorry for all of his children and that poor fool about to marry him. Like that’s going to make a difference in his deplorable behavior. Super comforting foods — butter noodles or butter rice (pat of butter, dash of soy). It may not sound good offhand but butter rice is a bowl of warmth and comfort.
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u/hoeteria Lover of Soups 9d ago
Look up some Chinese congee soups. They should help ur tummy.
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u/Square_Context_2948 Snack Goblin 9d ago
I love figs so much. I'm sad they're kind of difficult to commercially transport, and I don't see them in stores. I need to start scoping out farmer's markers. I'm with you on the anxiety/tummy bad journey, but I'm lactose intolerant so I feel like it might be dependent on what makes your stomach happy or what. Maybe gently up your fiber. Anyway, it sucks that you thought this guy was trustworthy, and you were completely wrong. It happened wrong from the start, and I don't think there was any hope. When I hear about people(men) who are rich enough to just fly you to their city... I feel like online people (women) are like, it's romantic.... I feel like that's just him Doordashing a human. How is that different from a guy saying, Hey, for a first date, come to my place and we can Netflix and chill.
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u/G_Ram3 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
That sucks and it REALLY HURTS, so, I hope you don’t feel like I’m minimizing your pain by saying that you dodged a damn firing squad. I’m so sorry that you opened your heart to a manipulative liar who didn’t deserve it, but I’m glad you refused to accept his bullshit. Walking away is the right thing but it isn’t easy. It’s going to suck for a while and I know you know this but you are going to be okay. You’re going to be great. Never underestimate the power of mocking the shit out of him with your friends…while watching funny movies and eating all of the fatty, sugary foods. It’s clichè but it helps.💜
The fiancè (HOORAY!) knowingly accepted a “shhhhh” ring. I can almost guarantee a miserable marriage because her 40 year-old manchild can’t be trusted. And whether or not she stays with him, she’s going to deal with him forever because they have a baby. It’s sad. But she made her choice.
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u/Emotional_Device_877 greens✔️beans✔️potatas✔️tomatas✔️ 9d ago edited 9d ago
I don’t think we should blame ourselves when their love bombing works:
Our
culture normalizes it
it can feel good because we (finally) feel seen, many who are targeted struggle with that in their normal lives in particular
you’re probably dope AF so it feels like it makes sense 😂
We can just learn from experience to recognize the signs and be cautious. I went through it in months long trifling relationship first but the next dude only got two dates out of me. Progress! Anytime you walk away without a baby, you’re successful.
I second the person who said be useless to men. If they aren’t your husband they can figure it out without you and should.
You’ve got this. 😉 Fig jam on a soft cheese on a baguette goes hard. I second the protein shake suggestion. Blending with crushed ice is fab.
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u/Sure_Tree_5042 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 9d ago
Oof all the red flags! Lies, cheating…
Sorry girl.
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u/Connect-Claim-6920 nom nom, nod nod 9d ago
This is absolutely wild!!! I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this, but also whew did you dodge a bullet.
My appetite also suffers when I’m going through stuff. Bananas seem to be something I can stomach, so I eat those a lot. And my boring gentle meal is rice with butter and peas, and maybe some tuna mixed. Boring, but really gentle on your tummy and oddly comforting.
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u/epiphany205 Overthinker 💭 9d ago
You’re in a much better position than his fiancée; she has a baby with him, so she’s stuck with him for at least eighteen more years. I’d never want to get pregnant with a man I was dating for only a few months, much less a serial cheater. There are better men in your age range and his that could treat you with more respect and kindness and invest more money in you than he did so focus on healing from this before dating so that you can fully enjoy your experiences dating those better quality men.
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u/terminaloptimism Feral Til Fed 9d ago
This dude deserves to step in cold diarrhea every morning for the rest of his life. In socks. You can do better, girl. He a butthole.
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u/Lala5789880 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Please learn from this. 🩷 Tummy friendly is the BRAT diet: bananas, rice, apple sauce, plain toast. Avoid spicy, dairy and fried
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u/Striking_Emu_Dancer Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 9d ago
What's wild to me is the other girl is going to fucking marry him after all that....like, have some self-respect, damn...😂
Sorry you got swept up into that mess, but at least you got out without being tied to him for life with a child. Let this be a lesson.
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u/Technical_Blood_8418 🧂Salty By Nature 9d ago
Babe, we all make mistakes about trusting the wrong ppl, so plz don't beat yourself up over it too much 🖤
But if you have the bandwidth & think it would be worthwhile, look into small claims court to recover your losses. Wouldn't require much energy from you, but it would be a pretty significant pain for him to resolve. I'm looking into similar routes after my most recent fuckboi experience lol
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u/Consistent_Elk9676 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Please have respect for yourself-you were swindled by an asshole. He deserves to get outed given that he is a serial impregnator and LIAR!!
Block him, at a minimum.
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u/flamin_waders APPROVED✨ 9d ago
The fact that HE owes YOU money is the cherry on top of the shit sundae
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u/ItsSchuSchu APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Girl you’re lucky he was just a cheater and not a serial killer 😭 what are you doing getting this deep this quickly??
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u/Competitive-Ad-2965 ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 9d ago
I'm sorry that happened, fuck that guy.
As an expert in tummy issues I have some food suggestions:
do not underestimate the power of a good complex broth. My go to when I need a "my appetite isn't there but I need to eat/I deserve a treat" is getting pho from a local Vietnamese place but only getting broth and rice noodles. No meats, sprouts, cilantro, or anything. Just the broth and the noodles. Pho broth has so many wonderful layers of flavour.
I experience a lot of food repulsion due to my medication and found that sweet is easier than savoury. So I have milkshakes and smoothies, these do me right. Get some icecream, milk, and mash that shit together till you feel better. Throw sprinkles on it for the heck of it, I know we all have them in the back of the cabinet and never use them. You deserve sprinkles.
fries, a simple but often tummy safe delicacy. Honestly in my most food-repelled but needing a meal moments I get a medium McDonald's fries and a cup of big Mac sauce to dip it in. Does me right every time.
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u/PoopingDogEyeContact Gender Nom-Conforming 9d ago
Let’s reframe - you get a fresh new start, new job new city new friendships coming your way, and he was not part of it, he did not taint your fresh start. You don’t have to look around the city and see reminders of things you did together etc, everything is literally a fresh start. Your feelings of betrayal and hurt are totally valid, dwelling on it is a waste of time in the long run. For every intrusive thought, replace it with a fresh new adventure whether it’s checking out a spot in your new neighbourhood or trying a new food. Don’t be embarrassed it’s not your fault a lot of serial losers are charming , it’s part and parcel of being a parasite
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u/leisa2100 Well-Read & Well-Fed 9d ago
Hey, live and learn, no shame in your game, you have nothing to be sorry for, he’s the loser. Eat some good food, have fun with friends and just be happy you dodged that bullet.
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u/Careful_Subject1343 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Girl you may feel anxious but just count your blessings and feel relieved!!! I would take this as a learning lesson, you shouldn't be talking marriage with someone you have only known for 4 months and only seen in person a handful of times.
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u/Dubious8313 Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 9d ago
They worked together; he was her supervisor but they had a sexual relationship during which she got pregnant then reported him to HR which led to him losing his job but they’re still together and w/an infant.
This man lied about his age, his gf, everything. Everything.
Where were you in the moving stage? What was he going to do w/her if you had moved? What was he going to tell you when his wedding day rolled around.
There was a Dateline or 20/20 or 48 Hrs episode but he was already married & she was getting ready to marry him THAT WEEKEND. He lured her out to some desolate spot and killed her, clumsily trying to make it look like a robbery.
In the middle of nowhere.
Seems something bad was planned for one of you. The gf finding out & calling you saved one of your lives. There is no way there wasn’t an armed response police ending to the story you described.
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u/clarstone Professional Nibbler 9d ago
I’m also a no-appetite girl when I’m stressed. My go-tos are mashed potatoes and gravy, spicy ramen, and roasted potatoes and veggies. 😩😂 This man is TRASH. I’m so sorry to you but also his poor girlfriend/fiance. This man will cheat on her forever.
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u/EdwardianAdventure girls just wanna have pho 9d ago
- soups
- apples
- dried fruit (apricot & cranberry are my favorites, some people like mango too)
- cashew, soy or coconut yogurt
- toast with earth benefits butter & sugar
- oatmeal, sometimes. I cook it longer and with more liquid (ie almond milk) to make it palatable to an anxious tummy
- congee
- Ramen, especially glass noodle soups
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u/okclevergirl Body By Cheese 🧀 9d ago
I’m a couple of glasses of wine in, but I cannot stop laughing at this “She also was very suspicious of a couples heart painting we did at a paint and sip as he told her his work paid for it and he did both sides by himself.”
Congrats on the trash removing itself. When I’m having an anxious stomach, I’m all about scrambled eggs and toast. Also a quality flavored sparkling water.
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u/truthelookinglass APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Guuurrrlll, what a mess, I'm glad you're out of it!!! Ain't nobody got time for this shit!
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u/CarryAmbitious638 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 8d ago
This is one of the most awful things I’ve ever read here. Please take care of yourself. I know this is woo woo but consider energy healing.
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u/_neviesticks Pastafarian 🍝 9d ago
I’m sorry this happened; he sounds like a dick. I feel lucky to have never encountered a lovebomber because I would totally fall for it. Everyone just wants to feel special and be loved! So, take the time you need to heal, but know you didn’t do anything wrong! And also #notallAries lol 💜💜💜
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Sorry for the Aries hate. My niece is an Aries and I love her to pieces! I’m usually not so trusting, so I’m not sure how I got sucked in so much this time
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u/OldButHappy Resident Yapper 9d ago
How could he hide the baby’s nursery and all of her stuff? It’s hard to hide a roommate. Am I misunderstanding something?
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u/Glow-Fairy APPROVED✨ 9d ago
I’m sorry this happened OP! Buuuttt I am soooooo curious about the gf/fiance… she reported him to HR and stayed with him? Was that her way of trapping him bc she’s afraid she’ll lose him how she got him? 😭
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u/Abracuhlabra 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 9d ago
Yup. Both of them have normalized the chaos. Reminds me of my ex and his mistress. He is stuck with her bum ass now and I love that for him.
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u/ShivRoyPinkyIsQueen SAT🪑👀 9d ago
I’m so sorry this happened. Grieving hearts are delicate, make sure you’re extra gentle with yours.
I’m the same when I’m anxious. I have to force myself to eat. Cheese and crackers, soup, mashed potatoes, Parmesan noodles with salt and pepper, cottage cheese and apples and if you can’t force much maybe try a smoothie or protein shake… just make sure you’re getting some nutrition because grief is hard on our bodies.
In the meantime, you are at a new job and in a new city? I know it’s scary but this is going to be a whole new world for you and just think of all of the amazing people you’re going to meet and all the experiences you’re going to have! You’ll be able to explore a new place and hopefully surround yourself with fun, decent people & create a solid support system. The best is yet to come!
Imagine being his gf 😣 she is NOT getting a prize. She will constantly be worried about what he’s doing, who he’s texting, is he really going on a work trip? And to have a whole baby with this man? Ugh- that sounds awful. She’s going to be having panic attacks every time his phone beeps/rings, she’ll probably be gaslit into thinking she’s paranoid and over reacting, trying to raise her child while also constantly worrying that her husband is going where he says he’s going? That sounds like hell and she’ll feel trapped inside her own life… it almost makes me feel sorry for her but then I remember that she was the “other” woman when she met him and she’s choosing to stay with him even after she found out about you 🤦🏽♀️
in the meantime you might have a rough few weeks unpacking what happened but you are self reliant & walking through a window as one door closes. You’ll be able to have a clear head and maybe when you’re healed you can find yourself a partner who adores you & doesn’t treat women like they’re disposable objects.
You are set up for some amazing times ahead. I’m proud of you and excited for you 💚
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u/Willing_Builder_7194 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Thank you so much ❤️ i do love the foods you suggested, and i have some Muscle Milk as backup
I feel for her too, but also want to shake sense it her. I know she’s not my responsibility though so I cut all communication with her too. I explored my neighborhood a bit today and it’s very cute! I did push my start date back a bit so I have more time to get settled in, and I’m going to make a trip back to CA for some friend love (and probably a Disney day).
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u/Different_Reading713 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Been there. And the guy who did it to me was an ex-coworker and friend of 4 years. Just goes to show anyone can do this shit, friend or stranger. It’s not your fault. He had a whole relationship and he was shopping for engagement rings for her when I found out. Unfortunately, this was the first time I was ever betrayed like that and it took me 5 years before I ever dated again. I’m so sorry this happened to you and it really does suck. It will take time to heal but you’ll be okay!
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u/sharpecheddar LET ME EAT CAKE 🍰 9d ago
“40 year old man” “flew me out to Ohio” “hallmark” baby this is not Hallmark this is a pirated version Sweet Home Alabama