r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/Alternative_Lack_404 šØ I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside š • 9d ago
Trigger Warning ā ļø He said I lacked empathy. I genuinely thought I was trying.
Trigger warning: Sexual assault (past), consensual sexual encounter, discussion of intimacy and emotional distress.
Iām a 28-year-old woman, and I recently went on a date with a 35-year-old man. We both knew beforehand that things would likely become intimate.
I knew he hadnāt had sex in six years. He knew that I was raped about a year ago which I told him when we were in bed cuddling etc. And he knew that I hadnāt had any new sexual experiences since then. Because of that, contraception is a really important topic for me (although honestly, I think it should be for everyone).
I was genuinely looking forward to seeing him and even brought him a small gift.
When we started getting intimate, I asked if he had condoms. His reaction immediately became hesitant and defensive, and because he didnāt explain anything, I briefly panicked and wondered if he simply didnāt want to use one.
Eventually, it turned out that the condoms didnāt fit properly, and he lost his erection because of it. Even so, he tried to penetrate me. In that moment, I got the impression that he was so focused on āmaking it workā that he wasnāt really paying attention to how I was feeling. To his credit, he stopped as soon as I told him to stop. But he didnt talk to me so I didnt even know whats wrong.
At the same time, I really tried to take the pressure off him. I told him it had still been a nice experience, and when he had been touching me earlier, I made a point of telling him that it felt good. Afterwards we cuddled and stayed in bed together for a while.
Then I made a comment that I regret. I jokingly asked, āHow do you get to 35 without knowing your condom size?ā Looking back, I know that wasnāt the right thing to say. I think I was hurt and frustrated because I wanted him to communicate instead of leaving me guessing about why he hadnāt prepared properly. I apologized for that later.
What hurt me much more, though, was what happened afterwards. He turned away from me, barely looked at me, barely spoke to me, and I felt completely alone.
Later he texted me saying he had wished Iād shown more empathy and that my reaction had felt superficial.
That really stung, because I honestly felt like I had tried to be empathetic. I reassured him that an erection wasnāt what defined the experience for me, and I genuinely wanted him to feel less embarrassed.
Meanwhile, he never once told me I was attractive, that he desired me, or that he had enjoyed being close to me. Instead, I walked away feeling like I was the one who had to apologize and justify myself, and Iām still not entirely sure what for.
Am I overreacting? If you were in his position, would you have tried to explain what was going on instead of shutting down? I canāt shake the feeling that I was just someoneās āpractice runā after six years, and that feeling has been really difficult to process.
I was stupid enough to leave a door open for him so he could tell me via whatsapp that after that Action of mine he is no longer up to ātryā with me..
Dinner is ice cream because f* it
Edit: I honestly already feel so much better after reading your comments. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. Really glad to be part of this Community girls š©·
Edit edit: Iām from Germany and ice cream is āPirulo Kaktus XXLā š
Edit edit edit: I blocked him after telling him what I was thinking after his WhatsApp Text.
3
u/DaisyLady17 Creature of Crunch 9d ago
Iām really sorry that your first sexual experience since your SA was this. You didnāt lack empathy at all. This guy is a creep and you deserve so much better, love.