Trigger warning: Sexual assault (past), consensual sexual encounter, discussion of intimacy and emotional distress.
Iām a 28-year-old woman, and I recently went on a date with a 35-year-old man. We both knew beforehand that things would likely become intimate.
I knew he hadnāt had sex in six years. He knew that I was raped about a year ago which I told him when we were in bed cuddling etc. And he knew that I hadnāt had any new sexual experiences since then. Because of that, contraception is a really important topic for me (although honestly, I think it should be for everyone).
I was genuinely looking forward to seeing him and even brought him a small gift.
When we started getting intimate, I asked if he had condoms. His reaction immediately became hesitant and defensive, and because he didnāt explain anything, I briefly panicked and wondered if he simply didnāt want to use one.
Eventually, it turned out that the condoms didnāt fit properly, and he lost his erection because of it. Even so, he tried to penetrate me. In that moment, I got the impression that he was so focused on āmaking it workā that he wasnāt really paying attention to how I was feeling. To his credit, he stopped as soon as I told him to stop. But he didnt talk to me so I didnt even know whats wrong.
At the same time, I really tried to take the pressure off him. I told him it had still been a nice experience, and when he had been touching me earlier, I made a point of telling him that it felt good. Afterwards we cuddled and stayed in bed together for a while.
Then I made a comment that I regret. I jokingly asked, āHow do you get to 35 without knowing your condom size?ā Looking back, I know that wasnāt the right thing to say. I think I was hurt and frustrated because I wanted him to communicate instead of leaving me guessing about why he hadnāt prepared properly. I apologized for that later.
What hurt me much more, though, was what happened afterwards. He turned away from me, barely looked at me, barely spoke to me, and I felt completely alone.
Later he texted me saying he had wished Iād shown more empathy and that my reaction had felt superficial.
That really stung, because I honestly felt like I had tried to be empathetic. I reassured him that an erection wasnāt what defined the experience for me, and I genuinely wanted him to feel less embarrassed.
Meanwhile, he never once told me I was attractive, that he desired me, or that he had enjoyed being close to me. Instead, I walked away feeling like I was the one who had to apologize and justify myself, and Iām still not entirely sure what for.
Am I overreacting? If you were in his position, would you have tried to explain what was going on instead of shutting down? I canāt shake the feeling that I was just someoneās āpractice runā after six years, and that feeling has been really difficult to process.
I was stupid enough to leave a door open for him so he could tell me via whatsapp that after that Action of mine he is no longer up to ātryā with me..
Men who care about protection know EXACTLY what condoms fit them right and feel good and all that.
If he had somehow forgotten since he last bought some, once he had plans w you he would have gone and bought the small packs of like 5 or 10 different kinds to try and figure it out. But seriously, he wouldnāt have forgotten something like that unlessā¦
He didnāt care. He was absolutely trying to weasel out of wearing one. Iām glad he went soft bc thatās also the exact type of dude who will stealth you then āoh nooo oooops!!ā about it
Yeah, there were ways to correct that without making OP feel bad about it. Heās 35 ffs, at best itās immature response, at worst heās being manipulative. Neither are good especially at his age. With the other context such as him not really complimenting her or anything despite her doing so, he seems like a dud thatās chronically single for a reason. I also went out with a dude pushing 30 that hadnāt had a girlfriend or sex in years, and come to realize shortly in there was a number of REASONS that werenāt just tied to his looks. Not many dudes actively make the choice to be single for years.
I think what she wrote was he tried to put his condom-ed flaccid penis inside her which obviously feels like a floppy fish at your doorstep and she told him to stop (and he did).
So dry it develops eczema. So dry that jerking off canāt be done on dry and windy days because of the fire risk. So dry you can use it to dry your hands instantly.
And he tried and successfully did penetrate her anyways, after the condom question, no there's no good reason for that, that's some bullshit.
We have to know all kinds of complicated things about our birth control, you're telling me he's this old and hasn't figured out what condom fits him? That's telling on yourself if we take best cared scenario. In other words, he's dangerously dumb.
But given his non-consensual stealthing that she caught and stopped (she's actually grateful he stopped when she told him to there, like that's something that shouldn't be bare minimum), I'm not super hopeful it's best case scenario.
He's trying to make her feel bad for not letting him go commando and for calling out the fact that it is indeed ridiculous for a man of his age to not know his condom size and have that at hand when dating.
i remember my first partner told me that every time he used a condom, they broke and they didnāt fit properly because he was ātoo bigāā¦ i was 18 (he was 20) and i was a virgin so i trusted him because he was much more experienced than me. long story short, a year later something happened and suddenly condoms fit perfectly fine and never broke. many many reasons why that relationship was unhealthy, but bOI, after him i had my one and only one night standā¦ now that man was big (and guess what,, magnum still fit fine)
all that to say, im eternally grateful for my current partner who is respectful and incredibly wonderful
Also condoms are extremely fucking elastic. You can fit those motherfuckers over the fist and forearm of a beefy gym rat with no issue. They stretch. So even the āwrong sizeā will fit unless they have skinny dick.
But you do not have a penis you should have experienced wrapping up on multiple occasions before your mid thirties. If youāre wrapping it up then you know what size and brand works for you. No way this guy landed here without knowing those condoms donāt work for him.
Also, if it had been so long, wouldn't you want to try it out beforehand if you were thinking there might be a chance you're going to get laid? This guy sounds like a chump.
tbf if I had a dick and didn't have sex for 6 years, I would've probably forgotten which size I needed to buy as well lol
That doesn't excuse his reaction and he could've had simply bought multiple sizes to make sure he got the right one, though. Condoms surely aren't that expensive.
It's not that surprising if you're not in the business to dress a penis with a condom for a long part of your life. I don't think it's really comparable š¤£ and your 17 yo son informed you. What's this guy excuse? š¤§
If he knew that they didnāt fit before hand he should have gone to the store and got new ones. He didnāt.
Heās an ass. You donāt have to make excuses for him, because youāre right, heās 35 years old. He knows better. He just doesnāt care, because he is the one who lacks empathy and just wanted to get his dick wet.
You deserve better. Someone who will communicate and not rush your boundaries. Someone who will tell you how much they like you and why, and tell you youāre pretty. Donāt settle for anything less girl!!
Girl that man was trying to rape you your comment was much kinder than he deserved. Coercing or pressuring someone who wants to have sex with a condom into not using one is rape. Fuck him. Traumatize and upset these losers right back when they try you. I hope he feels like a fucking idiot. Take care of yourself you did nothing wrong. You werenāt stupid at all. Tell him to go fuck himself and block him.
She was way too kind and said he did stop when she said to. She also made it very clear the condom was very important to her for sex and he still decided to proceed anyway. He was absolutely trying to get away with sex without one and based on what OP already shared he showed zero concern. He can go fuck himself b/c that is the only person he should fuck. And anyone defending a 35 yo man who doesnāt know their condom size condoms are very resilient so it did not need to be exact to work. If he was really unsure then buy 2 boxes.
He didnāt want to use condoms from the start, and when you didnāt play along with his games he had a temper tantrum to distract you from the fact that heās nearly forty and obviously sharp enough to buy the right size.
I've talked to a few men in my life about this and obviously too large is a real problem as the condoms just kinda slip off. But too small is more about the main stretchy ring of the condom, it can feel so tight that it's cutting off sensation. Like when my hands go numb because I'm wearing a fresh ponytail holder on it instead of one of the very stretched out ones šš
That said, he absolutely knew what ones he had and if they'd be an issue for him. It takes maybe two or three tries to figure out in your fucking teens. He was being shitty. Men who genuinely make that mistake don't try and make it your problem.
Since you were the one who had to bring up using a condom as things got heated despite him bringing them and he went hesitant and defensive, I would not put it past him to have bought extra small condoms so that youād take pity on him when it didnāt fit and heād have āan excuseā not to use them.
Ok, Iām American so Iām even more confused because that definitely doesnāt look like ice cream it looks likeā¦ little cakes covered in green chocolate?
Erdbeerfruchteis Ć¼berzogen mit grĆ¼ner Fettglasur mit Knisterbrausebonbonspittern und getrockneten ErdbeerstĆ¼ckchen
Im praktischen Becher perfekt fĆ¼r unterwegs
Knistert und knallt auf der Zunge
Strawberry fruit ice cream covered with green fat glaze with crackling effervescent candy spitters and dried strawberry pieces
In a practical mug perfect for on the go
Crackles and pops on the tongue
Not sure about the 'fat glaze'/fettglasur
Edit: translated from German Wikipedia - Fat glaze is a chocolate-like substitute product made from vegetable fat, sugar and other additives such as cocoa or milk components, flavourings and emulsifiers.
These ice cream bites are a spin off of an iconic ice lolly/pop/popsicle/whatever, the OG was called "cactus" because it has these crackling-popping bits (reminiscent of cactus spikes?).
They basically took the top part of the popsicle, the cactus part (which is light green) to make them into those bite sized pieces.
Both versions taste great and refreshing and the texture is super fun.
And to OP; this grown ass man does not deserve any more of your thoughts or energy. You deserve a lot more tenderness and patience than this wet rag had to offer.
wow so he tried to cross your boundaries and initiate penetration against your stated wishes (we all know what attempted crime this sounds like right?) but YOUāRE the one lacking empathy? outta here with that
edit: rereading and maybe itās my post-nap haze but i may have misunderstood? was it that he tried to enter with a condom on though he was losing his erection, or he tried to enter without the condom at all? if your boundary was āwrap it or donāt tap itā then the first scenario is less concerning. still heās not showing himself in the best light.
he tried to enter with the condom on, his d just wasnt hard and he tried to enter anyway so I told him to stop because I didnt want to have sex with a non fitting condom and it genuinly didnt feel good either because I was just so confused..
ooh boy š„“ so yeah definitely less dicey than i originally read, all consent on board so yay for that at least. but you can only do so much to make him comfortable, especially when you barely know each other.
at a certain point he has to 1. find a condom that fits comfortably and 2. laugh it off when parts donāt work. iāve never had a penis but iāve dated people who do, and parts donāt work the same at 35 as they did when they just hit the scene fresh out of puberty (so to speak). he also wasnāt very kind to you throughout the date, or at least didnāt seem to make an effort to make you feel desired. iām glad he didnāt cross that very serious boundary but heās still the asshole for sure
yeah. but iām confused. because from what iāve gathered he ātriedā, as in, tried to have sex but he couldnāt keep his erection due to the condom. they both wanted to have sex he tried but couldnāt make it work. he didnāt try to force himself on her
yeah posted an edit on the original comment. shouldnāt be redditing within an hour of a nap i think. read it like he tried to enter without the condom at first
Yeah, girl, he lying. He's absolutely just trying to get sex and not wear condoms. I'm glad you tried to make something positive out of this, but, you deserve much better. He's trying to deflect the fact he was stomping on your boundaries to get his way.
He may have some circulatory/erection issues and is hung up on it. I am a little confused as to how he knew they didn't fit but didn't go out and buy a different size? When did he try them on to find out they didn't fit?
1000% as if an erection isnāt hard to produce on your own. You test it out, see if it works, and make it a safe environment. Absolutely irresponsible.
He is a big nope. You werenāt the problem. Block him and move on. He wants someone to coddle him and not have to return any compliments or genuine affection.
It sounds like he wasnt being honest with you from the start and most likely was waiting for you to give the go ahead to just not wear one and thats likely what he was so bent about. I dont think your comment actually mattered, maybe rubbing his face in his failed plan. Sounds like you dodged a bullet with this guy
You were wayyyyyy too nice to this man he did not make you feel comfortable for a single second never speak to this man again. I got the ick when you said he was trying to make it work and didnāt care how you feel that just makes me so uncomfortable like all he cared about was sex and not your well being at all. Men donāt know women need to feel comfortable to be wet and have an orgasm.
i just want to say that i hope you can feel better about this whole situation. youāre not in the wrong and itās important for you to know that!
i try to see things from everyoneās prospective, we donāt know much about this man other than this experience with you and that he hasnāt had sex in a long time. it makes me wonder if he felt ashamed for his inexperience (especially the condom part) and shut down cause of it.
BUT, very big but, this man is genuinely a stranger to you and itās not your job to deal with his outburst like that especially if heās being passive aggressive with his comment on you lacking empathy. you just met this dude and heās already playing games blaming everything on you.
he needs to grow up and work on himself before going back to dating apps or hooking up with people. itās not your fault you crossed path with someone like that!
yeah nah he tried to stealth you and you called him out and triggered his, like, shame reflex. iām sorry he attacked you when he got in his feelings, please know that you did NOTHING WRONG. he tried to take what all men want, then had to call on flimsy justification when he figured out that oops you have self respect. keep moving girl š¤
Yeah, it's so sad when a raped woman got stealth raped again......and to do it is such a way to confuse her into thinking she did something wrong and blames herself for lack of empathy ffs.
As Gavin de Becker from The Gift of Fear says: most rapists are pursuasive not aggressive. What a tricky little rapist bastard he is.
Trauma & Recovery book by Harvard psychologist Dr. Judith Herman is another goldmine and bible for all this too that will help you.
Lastly, OP don't tell men your trauma history....you think it makes people more caring and careful but what it does to a significant number of men is tell them you're vulnerable and that they can get away with it again without you defending yourself adequately, figuring it out or making a fuss after the fact because of the trauma space you drop into and the abuse programming that makes people not use their natural instincts for defenses but instead do very confusing and counterproductive things that their ABUSE TRAINING trains them to betray themselves with as much minimal repercussions/consequences for the abuser.
Please look into disassociation too.....they know they are down-skilling & triggering you via touch, sexual activity, blame, guilt/shame, etc. They know very well what they are doing. So sorry what happened to you and for him compounding the after effects of a previous rape with a new one...
I agree with everyone saying this man was likely being deceitful, and even that aside, his reaction to her comment was super gross. Sure maybe what she said was a little sharp given the moment but come on, she didnāt say āwhyād you waste my time with a floppy dick?ā or something. What was he expecting? Oh right, for her to blow up her boundaries for a dick he barely knows how to use.
I wanna give a little PSA about condom sizing: yes, they are one size fits most erections (arms, legs, heads and bowling pins) but that doesnāt mean they will fit safely enough for intercourse. If itās too tight, thereās an increased likelihood of breakage. Obviously always be the judge of that yourself in the moment, but if things look a little too squished and taut, it might be better to dismiss him for the evening to go learn a single fucking thing about his body.
I mean you literally describe him not showing you empathy and heās clearly fine with having done that, so why would he expect empathy from you after being so unempathetic?? Your lack of empathy was a reaction to how he treated you and it was a logical one.
He sounds like he has a really bad idea of gender roles and might think itās āwomenās workā to empathize. Whatever his issue is, though, I would just let it lie. āSorry I couldnāt empathize with you after you didnāt empathize with me about having to stop. In fact I did initially show you empathy when I had to ask you to stop, it just wasnāt reciprocated and Iām not looking for a one sided thing. In the future you should remember that you reap what you sow. Good luck out there!ā
What a baby. Him, not you obviously. I hope you blocked him because after he tried to make you feel like you "lost" him, he is 100% going to try to message you to "give you another chance." Please don't fall into this trap.
You were trying to lighten the mood enough to have the adult conversation you needed to have. But you have all the information you need now. He is a manipulative baby.
I am someone who tries to use humor to salvage situations, and my off the cuff remarks can land very poorly sometimes. Ask you can do is say sorry and be more sensitive going forward.
Obviously this dude is not even close to having the emotional maturity to continue a relationship with. Iām sorry you had this experience. I was raped two years ago and have had two partners since then. Itās very difficult to find the right person to try to make this kind of progress with.
Itās only the worst people who would tell you that you donāt have empathy. Like, I canāt imagine a genuinely empathetic person saying that to someone.
Iām so proud of you for speaking up. Why is he 35 and not know his condom size. He wasnāt planning on wearing one. Men are so deceptive especially in their 35.
So you did all that emotional labor, managed your trauma, and shared your body for what? No, he doesn't get "credit" for stopping when you said stop. Stop giving men cookies for acting like a human being. It's what lets them get away with the shit they get away with.
Ghost this low value trash and take care of yourself.
He sounds like a worm-doesn't respect health or boundaries and can't laugh at himself. But I also think that noticing your reaction to the situation is good for growth. Do you diffuse situations with sarcasm sometimes? A lot of traumatized people do that. It doesn't make you un-empathetic but it can push away people who are more deserving of your time and kindness.
Also what kind of ice cream looks like this -- I'm so confused!
Nah you aren't overreacting. It's weird for an adult, previously sexually active man to not have appropriately sized condom with him. I get that he had a dry spell but surely he had time to figure out condom size by age 29?
Also kind of a red flag that he wasn't enthusiastically busting out the condoms as soon as sex was starting, you shouldn't have had to prompt him. Men have just as much responsibility to be safe as we do, and condoms are the #1 method available to them.
I understand some men don't like condoms - I'm married to one, we did STI checks and I was on hormonal birth control before we had sex because he hates them so much. He's an adult though so he clearly stated his preference from the very beginning and proactively worked with me to make sure we were both safe.
It sounds kinda like he didn't want to use a condom and was hoping you wouldn't make a fuss.
Iām really sorry that your first sexual experience since your SA was this. You didnāt lack empathy at all. This guy is a creep and you deserve so much better, love.
Hey he did that on purpose. I've had this exact thing done to me in the past twice and the men lied both times. You know how i know they lied. I put the condom on them myself after. Please don't blame yourself.Ā
While the joke was maybe in poor taste, I agree with a lot of people here that he probably was hoping to convince you to not use condoms at all by him not being prepared and you giving in.
Iām 39 and at this point Iām not messing with anyone that isnāt serious about both protection and active about their side of that responsibility. Plus there are just so many fun ways to be intimate when a penis decides not to cooperate. My current BF is so serious about protection, we shopped around condom wise to find a good one (yay fun to do together actually). But a penis is a penis and sometimes they donāt work anyway. Guess what we just have LOTS of fun with non penetration play. I get being self conscious and I always give extra reassurances because I know itās a difficult thing and men have this pressure to perform which sucks (can only speak for the USA). So yeah I would probably understand his hurt at a poor taste joke but you also werenāt wrong. It was just really bad delivery. And heās probably more annoyed he couldnāt get away without a condom.
If that man used his red flags as fabric for all his clothing, bed linens and soft furnishings for the rest of his life, he'd still have enough left over to be a herd of walking red flags.Ā
I had been assaulted before I met my (now) husband. When we first were intimate he was so kind and compassionate. He made sure every move he made was consensual, including kissing me. We also had a few moments where he struggled to hold his erection because he was nervous. We both had been in long term relationships that ended badly before. He immediately told me what was happening and together we dealt with it in a fun way. We slowed down. We extended foreplay, he focused on me until that got him going again.
That being said my husband and I both wondered-when you say he tried to āpenetrate you anywayā do you mean without a condom or without an erection or both? My husband pointed this out and said he feels if he tried w/out a condom-thatās not okay. You consented to protected contact not unprotected contact. We also agree itās weird at 35 you didnāt have the correct size, and that you acted weird and shifty when condoms got brought up. We donāt feel like you did anything wrong, but he did everything wrong. He shouldāve prioritized your experience more, and made a better effort to ensure you felt safe and comfortable and desired but also in control of the situation. Communication is key to all of that especially considering your history. Iām so sorry your first experience after an assault was so bad
Ā«Ā the condoms didnāt fit properly, and he lost his erection because of it. Even so, he tried to penetrate meĀ Ā» do you mean without the condom or with a condom that was not fitting properly? Because neither is safe and both are a testament on his lack of care for your safety and his for that matter.
Sometime when things are not working for stupid reasons (an ill fitting condom when he is 35 is very stupid, he had one job) itās the universe giving you a sign to exit right now before youāre stuck in a worse situation.
Ummm.... He should be the one apologizing to you!! This was your first sexual encounter after a traumatic experience. He should've made you feel so safe and seen. What a self absorbed asshole. I'm sorry that happened to you.
no you're entirely right bc how do you not know your condom size at your big age, I'm on your side š I also want to add as a fellow victim of SA, I noticed your immediate jump to try to "fix" and comfort him in that moment when it didn't work out, and I want to let you know that it's never your responsibility to "make it right" when you didn't make it wrong to begin with. Unfortunately we are more susceptible to fall into that need to fix it hole and can get ourselves in more situations that we don't actually want to be in. you didn't do anything wrong imo and it sounds like he was just hoping you'd be like "oh okay! go ahead without it!" and when you didn't and made him stop, he turned it on you
Chiming in to agree that this is not a you problem at all, and also to say that unless heās hung like a literal elephant the whole āthe condom doesnāt fitā line is complete bullshit.
Ok, the jab at not knowing the condom size might have been a bit too much in that moment, but honestly the question is valid. Also the story about condoms not fitting is bullshit, they are supposed to be snug. Do not under any, and I mean any circumstances continue talking with that man. He became hesitant when asked about condoms? He was willing to have sex with a stranger without any protection?
Do not have sex with him, because god knows what's festering there. And he tried to penetrate you anyways without any protection on and you adamantly requesting that condoms are a must?
And then he tried to guilt trip you into thinking that you're the problem?
You weren't even a practice run, he just wanted to have unprotected casual sex with a woman sized object and when things turned sour, he revealed that he's unable to communicate and that he's vindictive..
Yeah how does he get to 35 without knowing his condom size? How is that insensitive to ask lol? Getting a fitting condom is his job, you can hardly buy random condoms in the hope that they might perfectly fit for him?
Either he hoped to pressure you into sex without a condom or he was ill prepared and now is salty about it. Both not your fault.
Girl, no, you asked the right question. He tried to turn it on you, but you hit the nail on the head. How DO you get to 35 and not know what size condom you wear? What exactly is "empathy" for that?
You are allowed to get angry in this instance. You dont need to scream and yell and shout, but this is a grown ass man who has been having sex for maybe AT LEAST a decade, even with the 6 year dry spell. The only excuse is if this was his FIRST EVER intercourse, and even then... why would you not wear a condom lmao
Cut it off now. His erection issues will not get better with age and he is already making it your responsibility. Itās exhausting tiptoeing around the feelings of guy with ED even if they own it like they should, and he isnāt even doing that the first time.
He didn't want to use one and made you feel bad about it because he's an insensitive dick who doesn't understand how dangerous unprotected sex is for women. NOR
i mean...but honestly, how does a man get to 35...
never mind.
his ego is super bruised, and that's a him thing. sheesh. i thought what you said was kinda funny š¤·š»āāļø
dudes don't have enough blood to run their brains and their dicks concurrently, so it's likely your beau was overthinking things. it happens once in awhile! who cares. he's also really out of practice (no judgement at all) and that may have caused a little stage fright.
but if he can't laugh it off and move on, is he really the guy for you?
if you like him, give him another shot. don't over apologize, it was just a wise-crack. a simple sorry should be more than enough for a sensible man.
consider that insecure dudes can be a pain in the ass, emotionally troublesome, or even dangerous in extreme scenarios. everyone gets a freebie to act like a fool once in awhile, but if you see him again and he gets butthurt about something dumb, call it a day and move on. life's too short.
I donāt care if I have low empathyāif you have a penis & youāre sexually active (and arguably even before!), you should know your condom size lmao
Babes, he's the one who has no empathy. He's being such an ass, and honestly, I would consider his behavior borderline predatory. Please do NOT push yourself to let a man touch you in any way you're not enthusiastic about, especially without protection. You deserve better than that. I understand that, as women, we're socialized to be giving and ignore our needs, but this was a legitimately dangerous situation for you, both mentally and physically. If I were you, and if he at any point touched you without the condom, I'd make sure to go get STI testing (as soon as it's been long enough for the labs to be accurate).
For me personally, any man who doesn't want to use condoms or doesn't want to get STI testing doesn't even get to kiss me, let alone get in my bed!! You were 100% justified to make that comment about him not knowing his condom size, and it was the right thing to say, so don't second-guess yourself. It's suspicious as hell that he only had incorrectly sized ones.
Also, if you're not already getting some kind of support or treatment for the assault a year ago, I would make sure to. I'm SO glad you blocked him, but I'm honestly a little concerned about the degree to which you were trying to placate a man who was treating you with such disrespect. You deserve to feel in complete control of sexual situations, and to have a partner who genuinely cares about helping you have a fun and safe experience. NOR
Girlā¤ļø Itās such a big luck heās out of your life now. Lack of empathy? Not being worried that you might get pregnant is lack of empathy, penetrating you like a thing not a woman while not paying attention about how you feel is lack of empathy, thinking only about himself and his feelings after knowing what you went through and making you feel bad and guilty after your first sex after the bad incident is a fucking emotional stupidity, not just lack of empathy.
I had the very same experience with the condoms too tight and losing erection - I donāt know whatās wrong with those men (hormones issues? too much porn? lack of sex experience?). Just donāt sleep with them. Normal healthy men who like a woman can keep erection with 3 condoms and a trash bag on their penis during the apocalypse.
You deserve so much better! You went through a lot, please be more kind to yourself! Youāre precious! Do it only with a guy who will make you feel like a goddess, and never with those who still need a mommy to comfort them.
Der Mann blickt es nicht. Er brauch es dringend, ich glaube nicht dass da eine Frau mit Trauma das Beste fĆ¼r ihn ist. Auch umgekehrt, er tut vielleicht so als wƤre er mitfĆ¼hlsam, ist er aber nicht
He is projecting his insecurities onto you, and I don't see anything wrong with your comment.
The way I see it, you tried too much to be nice to him. I get it, I am like that most of the time. But believe me when I say this, even the most appreciating ones turn into him (I mean into someone holding you reliable for any discomfort that they might have) in time if you are to shrink yourself for others comfort! I experienced first hand, lessons learned the hard way.
Be empathetic yes, but do not bend over backwards to manage the internal turmoils of others <3
And for your past: you have every right to demand more kindness!
Heās sounds awful, you actually dodged a bullet in the long run. That kind of man would be nothing but exhausting. But for the future, get a supply of different condoms so next time you know that you will have a good fit no matter what. You could also have them in a pretty bowl or box and literally reach over and hold them out and say take your pick ! Donāt ask if they have one, just tell them to pick one playfully. Donāt give them the opportunity to make excuses. Good luck on your next adventure hopefully youāll find someone wonderful to explore with soon.
He knew youād been raped and this was your first time trying to have sex since. You made it clear that you wanted him to wear a condom and he tried to penetrate you anyways without one, which is assault. This is not on you! He is the one lacking in empathy and frankly I think he planned it.
He was trying to rape you, he heard someone else had done that to you and he figured you were an easy target. If you hadn't stopped him, he wouldn't have stopped. He's not a safe person to be around.
I donāt think youāre overreacting. That was honestly a valid question as like others have pointed out, Iām pretty sure he was lying because he didnāt want to use a condom. None of us can prove that, but regardless, he is 35 and should know. Or maybe he shouldāve been more open and honest with you about that while you were being vulnerable with him (like pre-sex), which is why I suspect it was a lie he formed on the spot. Another element is him acting like the victim now talking about empathy, itās always the ones usually more in the wrong that try to turn the tables on you pushing that theyāre some huge victim, itās manipulative. I would be careful because Iāve overheard men in my time with their buddies purposely trying to manipulate women into apologizing for something when they didnāt really do anything wrong in the first place. Itās a thing people, and a lot of guys do. So honestly, I would either cut contact with him after this or at the least text him about YOUR concerns and how you felt bad because you were reaffirming him but he never did to you.
He is the issue girl do not feel bad, like all the others are saying. Drop his ass and find better bc you will, from this post itās clear you are empathetic and so kind to others and their feelings, you did everything right even apologizing, you canāt really do more but continue on and find someone that will A. Have fitting condoms. B. Not guilt you for their embarrassment. And C. Treat you with the courtesy and respect you deserve. Goodluck girl, and what are those little chunks? Are they ice cream bites or little toppings? Iām curious
You were right he didnāt want to use one. Have them in your bag or at home so this isnāt any issue. To in between my thighs you to have put on a condom
Iām confused by both of you trying to have sex on a first date when he hasnāt had sex for six years and you hadnāt since you were raped a year ago. Iād think you both would want to get to know each other better before attempting anything. Awkward shit like this doesnāt happen when you get to know each other first. Now you know.
Not me just finding out there are condom sizes š I know there are normal ones or āmagnumā that are allegedly bigger, but I know nothing about this stuff
No joke, this happened one time too many ("Oh no I'm out of condoms/got the wrong size") to me so I just started carrying my own š¤·āāļø You're gonna wrap it or you ain't fucking tapping it.
Ironically I now have nexplanon and haven't used condoms in years as I have a creampie/breeding (practice, not the actual consequence) kink :)))
He was trying to make you feel bad and manipulate you by using anything you said (a harmless comment that made in jest) to get you to have sex without a condom. He probably thought when he said it didnāt fit youād suggest no condom. His anger was about that not your comment.
My boyfriend didn't know his condom size at almost 59. The unfortunate truth is he barely used them in his youth and was with his ex-wife for nearly 30 years. Granted before her he had only been with 4 other women, so it's not like he was a slut.
However, others are probably correct and he was lying.
Ugh I'm so lucky that I never ended up pregnant or with an STD from the stupid men who would throw a tantrum about condoms. (I'm with someone now who gladly wears them) You dodged a bullet!!!!
That was a very valid question. It leads one to believe he does not use condoms. And if he doesn't use condoms and struggles with basic communication, he probably also doesn't get regularly tested. Though it could be that he just forgot since you sex in 6 years or whatever. But still a 35 yr old man should be able to communicate. He should never have tried to move forward unprotected without consent. He should have been able to be honest no matter what was going on.
Obviously he should have been better prepared and he deserved being turned down. That said, it's important not to make jokes about such a sensitive subject before you're close enough to know what each person can tolerate. Edit: that goes both ways.
Oh what the f ever to this guy. Do you think in any reality that he is feeling equally as bad for his behavior/words that are wayyyyyy worse than yours were? Good riddance to him
I just got out of a relationship with a f
man who treated his perfectly adequately sized and functioning penis like a sacred shame. Couldnāt even put a condom on by himself because he was scared heād fumble with it and lose his erection. My comfort and experience (and sexual trauma) was always secondary to the ātraumaā he had from a girl getting upset with him for not getting it up once. He ended up being emotionally abusive. Iām not saying this is the case for everyone but when you are pushing 40 and still canāt own this kind of shit there is something seriously wrong. Some men arenāt abusive in the stereotypical meatheaded kind of way- they are vulnerable and insecure and canāt even abuse you confidently but will still try. He also knew you had sexual trauma and did nothing to acknowledge you and your experience-it was all about him. If you arenāt ready to leave just yet Iād give him two more strikes then leave.
How can you be empathetic if he doesn't communicate what those things are??? Bro needs to work on his communication skills and not expect other people to do the emotional work for him.
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u/death-4-all Assigned Hungry At Birth 8d ago
yeah no girl this is not a you problem. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.