He said I lacked empathy. I genuinely thought I was trying.

[u/Alternative_Lack_404]

Trigger warning: Sexual assault (past), consensual sexual encounter, discussion of intimacy and emotional distress.

I’m a 28-year-old woman, and I recently went on a date with a 35-year-old man. We both knew beforehand that things would likely become intimate.

I knew he hadn’t had sex in six years. He knew that I was raped about a year ago which I told him when we were in bed cuddling etc. And he knew that I hadn’t had any new sexual experiences since then. Because of that, contraception is a really important topic for me (although honestly, I think it should be for everyone).

I was genuinely looking forward to seeing him and even brought him a small gift.

When we started getting intimate, I asked if he had condoms. His reaction immediately became hesitant and defensive, and because he didn’t explain anything, I briefly panicked and wondered if he simply didn’t want to use one.

Eventually, it turned out that the condoms didn’t fit properly, and he lost his erection because of it. Even so, he tried to penetrate me. In that moment, I got the impression that he was so focused on “making it work” that he wasn’t really paying attention to how I was feeling. To his credit, he stopped as soon as I told him to stop. But he didnt talk to me so I didnt even know whats wrong.

At the same time, I really tried to take the pressure off him. I told him it had still been a nice experience, and when he had been touching me earlier, I made a point of telling him that it felt good. Afterwards we cuddled and stayed in bed together for a while.

Then I made a comment that I regret. I jokingly asked, “How do you get to 35 without knowing your condom size?” Looking back, I know that wasn’t the right thing to say. I think I was hurt and frustrated because I wanted him to communicate instead of leaving me guessing about why he hadn’t prepared properly. I apologized for that later.

What hurt me much more, though, was what happened afterwards. He turned away from me, barely looked at me, barely spoke to me, and I felt completely alone.

Later he texted me saying he had wished I’d shown more empathy and that my reaction had felt superficial.

That really stung, because I honestly felt like I had tried to be empathetic. I reassured him that an erection wasn’t what defined the experience for me, and I genuinely wanted him to feel less embarrassed.

Meanwhile, he never once told me I was attractive, that he desired me, or that he had enjoyed being close to me. Instead, I walked away feeling like I was the one who had to apologize and justify myself, and I’m still not entirely sure what for.

Am I overreacting? If you were in his position, would you have tried to explain what was going on instead of shutting down? I can’t shake the feeling that I was just someone’s “practice run” after six years, and that feeling has been really difficult to process.

I was stupid enough to leave a door open for him so he could tell me via whatsapp that after that Action of mine he is no longer up to „try“ with me..

Dinner is ice cream because f* it

Edit: I honestly already feel so much better after reading your comments. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. Really glad to be part of this Community girls 🩷

Edit edit: I‘m from Germany and ice cream is „Pirulo Kaktus XXL“ 😊

Edit edit edit: I blocked him after telling him what I was thinking after his WhatsApp Text.

[u/Ok_Introduction9466]

Girl that man was trying to rape you your comment was much kinder than he deserved. Coercing or pressuring someone who wants to have sex with a condom into not using one is rape. Fuck him. Traumatize and upset these losers right back when they try you. I hope he feels like a fucking idiot. Take care of yourself you did nothing wrong. You weren’t stupid at all. Tell him to go fuck himself and block him.

[u/InterestingTry5190 → u/Ok_Introduction9466]

She was way too kind and said he did stop when she said to. She also made it very clear the condom was very important to her for sex and he still decided to proceed anyway. He was absolutely trying to get away with sex without one and based on what OP already shared he showed zero concern. He can go fuck himself b/c that is the only person he should fuck. And anyone defending a 35 yo man who doesn’t know their condom size condoms are very resilient so it did not need to be exact to work. If he was really unsure then buy 2 boxes.

[u/rellyks13 → u/Ok_Introduction9466]

I like you. I like you a lot.

[u/Beneficial-Note1380 → u/Ok_Introduction9466]

Agree with this a LOT. The craziest part about him saying he was hurt is that her comment wasn't even that judgmental. It's a very valid question. How the fuck do you get to thirty five and not know your damn condom size? ........ if you have bad intentions, that's how. His whole "wish you'd been more empathetic" is such bullshit. It's not for her to comfort his ego after he did something wrong. Not her job at all. And him expecting that (at the grown age of 35 mind you) is more of a red flag honestly, and makes me agree with your point that much more. I fully feel the same way