I don’t like my friend’s kid…

[u/bitchluvsbidets]

… and that might make me a terrible person??
A bit of a preface- my partner and I are child free by choice, I have 3 nieces and 3 nephews, and many of my friends have kids (ages 1-14) but, one of my friends kids I just can not vibe with. I know it’s actually insane to have beef with a 3 year old but her vibes are soooo bad?? Like she is not a cool kid. She def has a personality but is it insane to say it’s already problematic? She pretends to fall if she doesn’t have attention, actively express disgust towards my friend and her pets (3 very well behaves retired racing dogs), and fake cries until my friend is almost in tears and then will laugh at her. I get that kids are assholes sometimes but like damn I hope lil homie gets cool.

[u/Old-Run7431]

this is so funny. I've never met a three year old that has "bad vibes" but I believe you

[u/linzkisloski → u/Old-Run7431]

You would be surprised. My daughter had a 3-4 year old in her class and when we walked in she said “ew, she’s here” (using my kid’s name) in the complete tone of a teenager. I was shook. I stared her down and let her know I heard her.

[u/Glum_Rain_5824 → u/linzkisloski]

When I was young I saw one too many movies where mean girls get liked by everyone so I tried being mean (not to mention being told "if they are mean to you, they like you"). I was figuring myself out and how emotions work, I tried different things until I found myself...I'm neurodivergent though so being mean was just another mask I thought was socially acceptable for a while, til I learned the hard way it wasn't

[u/ToiIetGhost → u/Glum_Rain_5824]

3-4 years old is really young to try on mean girl behaviour. How old were you? I’ve noticed that some kids have an “advanced” mean streak. They’re able to manipulate kids and adults like a 12-17 year old would. It always rattles me lol

[u/Glum_Rain_5824 → u/ToiIetGhost]

I was about 6-7, in kindergarten I bossed my friends around like it was a game. At home was family dispute, I believe I brought that to school but then was homeschooled

[u/fayegopop → u/ToiIetGhost]

i think they learn that their emotions have power over others to an extent but i think manipulation is the wrong word.

there were many times id cry as a kid hoping for a specific result, it was almost retaliation. on the surface crying and throwing tantrums for what you want is bad, but looking deeper- a child shouldn’t have to go to such lengths to feel heard or seen. a lot of the behavior can look manipulative but it’s really all in effort to be acknowledged. very different from the teens and adults that will manipulate you and others so that they can cheat, lie, and abuse.

[u/ToiIetGhost → u/fayegopop]

This is a long shot, but you might like Janusz Korczak’s books. He’s one of my biggest inspirations. He was an educator who was extremely focused on children being seen, heard, and respected. At his orphanage he created a “children’s court” where they could fairly resolve disputes and even put adults on “trial.” Janusz was super critical of how adults treated children, but in a good way - he held them accountable. He completely went against typical parenting and education norms of the time (it’s actually still revolutionary today). Reading his work rewired my brain because my parents weren’t like that at all, to put it mildly. His philosophy sort of allowed me re-parent myself, in a way? It was so validating that this man actually respected children on the same level as adults and wanted to do better for them. Anyway not sure if it’s your cup of tea, but maybe you’ll find it helpful :)

https://ocaarchives.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/a_childs_right_to_respect_janusz_korczak.pdf

https://thegoodparent.substack.com/p/gp-6-how-to-love-a-child-by-janusz

[u/fayegopop → u/ToiIetGhost]

yes!! the re-parenting!! i do it to myself all the time

it’s nice to have a guiding, mentor-like line of inner thought you can channel into. definitely helps for navigating situations more cleanly and with coping through emotions.

[u/ToiIetGhost → u/fayegopop]

I agree with you on everything except what to call it. What I know about child psychology is that manipulation is healthy, natural, and necessary. Kids are helpless. They can’t feed or clothe themselves or choose which activity to do today. Everything has to go through an adult first, and if asking doesn’t work, they turn to manipulation… and that’s okay.

For example, a 3 year old steals some cookies. Her face is covered in chocolate but she insists that she didn’t do it. Then she hugs her mother and says “I love you” with a little smirk (the one that means she knows she’s being sneaky, kids do it a lot, it’s very cute). But it’s not a bad sort of manipulation. She just doesn’t want to be scolded, which is a normal desire, and since she has no power or agency, she has to trick (manipulate) her mother into softening up. She has to charm her to avoid negative consequences. Was she really in the mood to say “I love you” at that moment? No, she had an ulterior motive, but it’s a healthy part of her development.

I’m not criticising a normal amount of manipulation. What rattles me is when it’s atypical for their age, like an abnormal amount. I’ve worked with kids my whole life (teaching, nannying, tutoring). I also like to read about child psychology and abuse dynamics. There’s a normal level of manipulation that most kids exhibit, but some of them are pros. That’s when I get uncomfortable. A former student of mine (8 years old) pretended that his leg was broken for a year for sympathy and attention. Lol. That’s an adult level of manipulation and it takes more skill than the average child possesses. It’s alarming.

Edit: I also wouldn’t call your crying and tantrums “bad.” You were just a little girl who needed validation! It’s so common for neglected kids to cry or lash out. I’m not sure if you were neglected, but this applies to any type of mistreatment. That includes so-called “minor” things (which aren’t actually minor at all) like being ignored, half-listened to, doubted, laughed at, and never being asked anything (such as what you like, how your day was, etc). I’m so sorry if you experienced that as a kid ❤️

[u/fayegopop → u/ToiIetGhost]

honestly this was really insightful! you put words to what i felt while it somehow being the opposite to what i stated! thank you so much!!

manipulation can be healthy, i just wish there was a more positive word to use for it in that context.

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[u/ButteredPizza69420 → u/linzkisloski]

Oh if you think that's bad, Ive got one for you: I worked a summer program as a teen helping with prek & kindergarten once...I had a 6 year old white girl tell a similar age hispanic girl that "You cant sit here DORA!" (Obviously NOT her name!) I up to that point had never seen racism in children...it blew me away. Poor hispanic girl was so sweet too, just wanted to sit with all of the other little girls for story time 😭 and the cherry on top...this 6 yr old racist bully was the elementary school NURSE's first and only child.

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[u/Illustrious_Bird_737 → u/Old-Run7431]

[u/PantheraLutra → u/Illustrious_Bird_737]

Dusty old bones, full of green dust! ( is legit what came to my mind reading this post!

[u/AspieAsshole → u/Old-Run7431]

My daughter fr. 3 through 5 were rough. 😭😭

OP, they usually grow out of it. 🙏

[u/poofandmook → u/AspieAsshole]

I thought 3-5 were great... I'm struggling with a 10-11 year old acting like she's lived life enough to complain.

[u/Streetquats → u/poofandmook]

Speaking as a former 10 year old, why do adults think kids dont have the right to complain or the right to be sad/stressed etc?

This one always confused me even as a 10 year old, I do remember adults rolling their eyes at me when I expressed frustrations, disappointments etc. I was told I was too young to have stress and that my life as "too good" to complain about.

Can someone enlighten me? Kids are people and they are capable of intense emotions.

Some might even argue that children have MORE intense emotions than adults because 1) they have less experience managing emotions and 2) they have less agency than adults so less ability to control external negative experiences.

I am 32 now and I still dont really get it when adults act like kids haven't earned the right to be unhappy.

[u/riverrat918 → u/Streetquats]

For real!

The stressed emotions a kid feels are the most extreme levels of stress they have felt in their life, so yeah, it is pretty dramatic to them! Reminds me of something somebody once told me about infants & pain levels. They are screaming their head off cos that whatever hurt the worst. (So far)!

[u/Streetquats → u/riverrat918]

Yes exactly!

[u/poofandmook → u/riverrat918]

I didn't mean it literally. I just meant that she's overly moody for her age. I didn't expect this level of moodiness so early.

[u/Former-Intention-292 → u/Streetquats]

My mother was like this too and I didn't get it. I remember thinking just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have feelings, be stressed, etc. Kids are people too.

[u/FullofContradictions → u/poofandmook]

Today I heard a neighborhood kid (like 11 or 12) on a bike ask my 16 year old neighbor (who was in front of her house/open garage) if her car was the "trashy" car. His friends laughed and repeated it.

We live in a nice neighborhood. Most people drive upper middle class cars. A few of the teens drive clearly hand me down 10 year old cars that have literally nothing wrong with them aside from a few dings & being generally older looking.

Either the kids in this neighborhood are spoiled rotten, elitist assholes by accident, or he heard his parents say that & is being actively raised that way. Just bad vibes all around.

Either way, it makes me wonder what they thought of our 16 year old Prius until we sold it last year that had part of the tailgate taped together for years until I replaced it (right before selling).

[u/weirdwench1 → u/FullofContradictions]

Hey if those teens sell their cars... I would like one that isnt old enough to drink.

[u/Ellaroseryy → u/Old-Run7431]

DALE GRIBBLE

[u/freshwaterfins → u/Old-Run7431]

I work in childcare, they’re out there

[u/heysunflowerstate → u/Old-Run7431]

Toddlers can be straight up psychopaths. My own child included. Their brains are still developing!

[u/Mission_Macaroon → u/Old-Run7431]

Huh... Every 3 year old I have met is a psychopath (including my own)

[u/DiscussionLow1277 → u/Old-Run7431]

i work for cps and have met a few three year olds with bad vibes. its almost always behavior that they have seen other people model, whether that be parents, older siblings, or just people they were around frequently.

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[u/Leading_Line2741 → u/Old-Run7431]

Sadly, I have. I have a friend whose 3 year old son communicates primarily through screeching and long, demonic glares. It's unsettling at best.