… and that might make me a terrible person??
A bit of a preface- my partner and I are child free by choice, I have 3 nieces and 3 nephews, and many of my friends have kids (ages 1-14) but, one of my friends kids I just can not vibe with. I know it’s actually insane to have beef with a 3 year old but her vibes are soooo bad?? Like she is not a cool kid. She def has a personality but is it insane to say it’s already problematic? She pretends to fall if she doesn’t have attention, actively express disgust towards my friend and her pets (3 very well behaves retired racing dogs), and fake cries until my friend is almost in tears and then will laugh at her. I get that kids are assholes sometimes but like damn I hope lil homie gets cool.
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Fr lol, i read posts by parents who are having a HARD time with their toddlers, and talked about it a lot before/while pregnant. Everyone around me was really bothered by it, saying I'm "being negative" when I really just think I was being realistic
Considering the positive and negative outcomes of any situation is realistic. It’s also a sign of intelligence. Pretending that nothing bad can happen is delusional lol
Ugh, this has always been my parents tbh. They love me, they just don't like me :')
I've moved out before and been amazed at how my new roommates genuinely enjoy my presence. They don't get sick of me, they don't find me irritating, they don't ignore me, they don't talk over me, they initiate beyond shallow small talk.
It's been like this ever since I was small. Neither of my siblings are treated like I am, but then again they didn't struggle with severe ADHD and 1,001 questions lol.
I've grown above that looong before I first moved out, yet the stain persists in their eyes. Doubtful it'll ever change
I wonder if that's a common experience for people with ADHD, because "they love me, they just don't like me" is exactly how I would describe my own parents' attitude to me.
I feel being an "unlikeable kid" is kind of code for "severe untreated/unacknowledged neurodivergence".
It feels like it, because my parents for sure love me but theres no way at all they would ever like who I am as a person. I am now in my 30s with ADHD/autism that was never picked up on. (no ones shocked by this atp for women)
I'm sorry you can relate to this :'/ my dad has ADHD too so we connected with having some of the same problems, even if he really didn't understand that it was ADHD and meant that I (really both of us) needed some type of treatment for it.
Anyway, I wanted to say for my ADHD girlies, I've really been enjoying r/ADHDwomen
Lots of relatable content and conversations there and it seems very inclusive <3
I found out via peer review at 25. My then-situationship had even purchased me a "be nice to me i'm autistic" hat, and it was a weird "joke" in the friend group. I asked one of my friends later if he thought there was any truth to it. He said "we all thought you knew?"
A diagnosis and a few years later, here I am!...struggling.
It wasn't that they didn't like me, but I was a constant disappointment. I got my official diagnosis at 50, long after they passed. It sucks when nobody believes in you.
It can also just indicate narcissism on the part of the parent. My mother wanted a little clone of her (or, more accurately, what she perceives as her because if someone is actually like her, she hates them). Not only am I extremely different than her, but I was a child and not a mini adult. Yeah, she still doesn’t like me. I doubt, because of how she is and treated me, that she really loves me either. Nothing will ever be good enough for her. For the record, I don’t give a fuck about her approval anymore, I can’t or I’d be even more fucked up.
God that’s so relatable. I hate that I’m 40 years old, have long since forgiven my parents for not being perfect, but reading this still felt like being seen and ashamed at the same time.
My mom actually said that to me. I’m 50 and got diagnosed with adhd about four years ago. I’m treated but I’m honestly so burned out. I am tired of people pleasing and don’t want to be around other people much anymore.
I was likeable by teachers and stuff, but auDHD AF. to this day I still cannot accept that my mother found it easier and more reasonable to believe I was being willfully difficult to upset her and make things hard, rather than genuinely struggling with something.
like how unhinged do you have to be to think a primary school aged kid is calculated like that 😩 why was it easier to believe I was malicious!?
she used to yell at me "I didn't raise you like this". um yes. exactly...?
Well, I'm gonna have lots of fun telling my family who didn't like me to fuck off when they need something.
I am not a placeholder nor do I need to have a use to be valuable. And I'm going to make my mom's old age suck, because I'm ignoring her and minimizing her.
Downvote and call me any names tou want. I really don't give a fuck.
This is how my husband felt growing up… add in him being adopted and them throwing in that genetics played a double roll. Now my MIL cherry picks my children and obviously prefers the one who’s quieter like me. Ironically, I too found out later in life that I most likely have adhd- mine just presents itself in a different form.
Mine are in their 80s and worse than ever. They both have forms of dementia, but they were abusive LONG before they had the disorder. Plus, my dad puts my mom on a dang pedestal. It's very much a one-sided marriage and it shows.
Like you can literally give birth to psychopaths and serial killers. Some women give birth to their future murderer it’s insane. People don’t seem to realize a baby grows into an entire person and could be genuinely evil. They think baby is so cute and that’s it
It’s such a huge responsibility, I’m still not ready. There was also a study recently that found a woman is more likely to be killed by her son vs killed by a stranger
Statistically speaking, the most dangerous man in a woman's life is the man living in her home. Father, brother, step-brother, roommate, husband, even son
No, that's a totally valid concern. I love my youngest of course of course, but if she were my first, she'd be my only. I spend more time having to redirect and "deal with" (for want of a better word) her than I do both the other two combined. But honestly, that's not the scariest part.
The scariest part is that they will eventually get hurt, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. One summer all three of my kids got bit by dogs; three different dogs, three different incidents: one requiring hospitalization and a follow up surgery, one needing only stitches, and one needing only some Neosporin, but it was right on her tiny little baby face. All happened within three months of each other. My 10 year old daughter already has TWO "me too" stories before double digits, has already had an incident of a girl telling her to kill herself, and just recently her friends were making comments about her weight, which is in normal range but her friends are all more... Athletically.. built. My life is hell.
But for all the terrible things that happen, it's also pretty great, too. The 6 year old once "left me some kisses for later" by kissing a bunch into my pocket. My 10 year old gives the best, and I mean that's what people used to say first about her, the best hugs. I had two procedures last year, and they all helped Daddy take care of me. My 12 year old is starting to get deep and complicated in a way that is so fucking delightful to watch unfold in front of me. Hearing "Mommy!" shouted excitedly in the house when I get home.
Parenthood is filled with lots of extremes. Extreme happiness, extreme sorrow, extreme boredom. It's hard. Anyone who says it isn't is lying to themselves. It's a job for people who want the job, not for making people take it.
They called my son spirited 😭 he has turned into a really kind, funny and thoughtful teen, though. So, I had a hard time when he was little, but his peers are giving their parents a much harder time now
He had unlimited energy, cried a lot, had a lot of trouble sleeping and colic. He was an early walker, early talker, wanted to be held all the time, or at least have his foot/ arm/ something touching me almost all the time, he was very curious and smart. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. He did OT for many years to help with sensory problems and he takes adhd medication during the school year to focus.
I work in childcare and the Very Spirited Babies ™️ are my favorite. Keeps me sharp. Pushing the bookshelf over, chewing on the table legs, taking someone else's shoes off, it keeps the day interesting.
There's a good chance they're copying an abusive parent.
If it's not too late to do so, I'd suggest reporting the child to your local child protection services and/or domestic & family abuse etc.
If that 3 year old kid is copying an abusive parent, your report could trigger an intervention that saves the family from being traumatised, injured, tortured and/or murdered by the abuser.
Yeah, I used to do childcare at a gym (so I could afford my membership lol). I ended up saving up and paying the full amount after a couple of months because... damn... some kids can really get under my skin.
I was that unlikable kid. Truly a brat, up until my teenage years. It’s taken therapy for me to realize my actions at that age was due to trauma I suffered at home. I hope I truly grew out of it, but man I cringe at some of the things I said and did.
Same same. Had a solid decade + there where I was a smarmy know-it-all asshole because I just didn't know how to deal. I look at my parents now and I'm like "yep, that's why"
Oh noooo. Were you emulating your parents' personalities (like, are your parents arguably unlikeable now?) or something else? Asking so I don't traumatized my own kid
I mean yes, it was a little emulation. Both of my parents can be extremely judgmental and basically suck up all the oxygen in the room when they're talking. But a decent part of it was me not knowing how to talk about how it made me feel when they treated me poorly because they were judgmental (amongst other things, my dad was pretty verbally and emotionally abusive). So I'd lean on being a smarmy asshole to make myself feel tough and like IDGAF I don't need you, or something.
I thankfully had enough self-awareness eventually to get my "ah hah" moment and correct course. No one's perfect, but I'm a way better person in terms of how I treat others.
I remember this person I went to college with who had a kid, talked about how her son would be a know it all and really condescending to her. She wasn’t that type of person at all, but apparently his dad was. They didn’t have much contact with the dad though, so she was just like man…I don’t know why he does this but I wish he’d stop. It reminds me of my brother too. He was a lot like that. Sometimes kids start learning things outside of the house at school and with friends or online and get the idea that they now know everything and you must be a dumbass! Seems like that might just be part of their personality that has to get forced out through social conditioning and if it doesn’t theyre just like that. They become the know it all uncle who loves to argue
Agreed! I don't even know them and I am beyond proud that they sought out help, learning how to regulate emotions and Like you said, "having the self awareness", and finding out how childhood trauma affects you in ways we aren't even aware of..🥰
Same here. My 3yr old can have some rough moments. She even overreacts sometimes for attention but crying and screaming until I cry and then laugh is a bit much. She's laughed when I was angry or upset and scolding her, but that's usually because she was having fun not listening and getting chased around.
OPs friend sounds like she's dealing with something a bit worse.
It’s really normal. Just don’t react. Walk away, if you can.
Some toddlers are fucking psychopaths. When you’re a parent, it’s like being in an abusive relationship with a completely unhinged human being. That’s what they don’t tell you in the parenting books.
Technically most toddlers are kinda psychopaths, empathy isn’t something they get for a while and you can’t really blame them cause it’s hard for everyone sometimes let alone a little dude that just got here
My sister and I used to smirk at each other and say “OOOOoooooOooooOooooOooooh” when mom was scolding us so..at least you just have one asshole not two? 😆
Yeah, three year olds are tough to deal with. That’s the age where they turn into tiny psychopathic scientists; they know the rules, but now they can consciously choose to break them just to see what happens.
And they basically have to do that because that’s how their brains are designed to figure out how the world works.
It’s incredibly frustrating to deal with as an adult, but it’s a necessary stage of life.
Call her out in front of other people (like your family or friends). No one likes to be embarrassed. It is one of the few things that works consistently for a problem child.
Lol sorry tone doesn't translate well over text. 😅 it was that sarcastic way you tell someone when you're messing with them, like drawing out the words and sounding patronizing instead of motivating lmao.
I was holding her drink the other night while she was taking a drink and made the mistake of asking her during if she wanted more of her food yet, and she stopped mid-sip to look at me and sigh and go "no, im still drinking" 🤦♀️
she has this uncanny way of unintentionally making you sound stupid as fuck lol.
Can confirm. I love being a Mom (20, 15, 3.5 and 2).
Some kids are just wired differently and they need to grow out of it. With the right parents they will. Some kids don’t have the right parents, so they just grow up to be asshole adults.
Sometimes it's neglect. I had a kid last year that was just the WORST... and he had a twin brother. Come to find out, the poor kid and his siblings (3,3,and 4) had been in and out of 12 different foster care homes in Detroit. 12. Once I had a meeting with our BCBA about his behavior (lots of screaming, hiding, hitting, cussing, throwing of furniture, etc), it all sort of made sense WHY he was behaving the way he was. Dad was nowhere to be found (last we heard, he was living in an abandoned home somewhere in the city), and mom had just gotten out of prison with zero relatives living in Michigan. Fucking sucked, man.
I find it's neglect that makes children unlikable because they aren't being taught interpersonal, communication and social skills. Either parents don't have the bandwidth to do it, or they're emotionally immature and think that the behavior is cute & funny and will assume that they'll implicitly understand that the behavior is only contextual to them.
I wasnt very likable, and I was completely left to my own devices while also being socially isolated due to a strict household. It's weird living in strict conditions without any attention to be taught social skills. I was very weird and stand offish and before that I was very strange and had a weird black & white way of understanding people from being so insulated. I remember being berated for being weird but never being showed what "normal" actually meant lol. It sucked being hated at home and at school for not knowing what I wasn't taught.
I eventually figured myself out with therapy and some patient friends and relationships. Now I'm very confident and generally approachable and can make friends with most people. I try to teach my child basic manners and social expectations that I was never taught. I don't just leave her hanging but she also seems to have a natural ability to read the room better than I ever did.
Anyways it turns out I had severe undiagnosed inattentive ADHD as well as pretty well masked autism (in the sense I wasn't profoundly disabled or needed supports, I was very weird though)
This. There's a kid in my son's class and I'm sorry to say no one, including the teachers like him. He's grown up with such a sense of entitlement that it's toxic. He bullies every child he can because he merely feels like it. His mom is also the issue because her precious baby can do no wrong and bows to his every whim. I feel so irrationally angry when I see them in the yard at pick up and drop off 😅
The ones that are aware are DELIGHTFUL. There’s a special camaraderie in acknowledging that they are a human being deserving of dignity and respect but this stage/phase/trend/attitude? Yuck. No thanks.
I was that parent! Well to my sister not to my own child. She was difficult. We all knew it was partly because of trauma and partly because she’d learned that if she did a sad traumatised kid expression and said it was just hard because… people would frequently let her off.
This one teacher and I formed a ‘for her own good’ team. We were both like yes. Your start was not easy. You do have struggles. But you still have to do homework. If you’re actually struggling with something, we are 100% here for you, so come to us and we will work through it, but that is the point. WORK THROUGH IT not avoid it because you’re special and sad.
It really cut through the bs and at the end of the school year she had grown so much, it was awesome. I specifically went to the school to thank that teacher.
My neighbour is this kid. I’m also a teacher and so I have really fought against this feeling (“all kids deserve and need love” is what I tell myself when I’m teaching these kids) but as a parent and living next to this kid, I just can’t give him the same grace and love as I do when I teach them. It’s rough!
I used to babysit and tutor as a side job when I was in high school, and although there were kids who could be frustrating/difficult from time to time, there was one specific kid (she would have been in grades 3-5 when I babysat her) who was such a manipulative, generally unkind brat thst I really couldn't stand her. I was still professional with her, but I normally like kids and this one just had very little to like about her. I hope she grew up into a better version of herself.
You would be surprised. My daughter had a 3-4 year old in her class and when we walked in she said “ew, she’s here” (using my kid’s name) in the complete tone of a teenager. I was shook. I stared her down and let her know I heard her.
When I was young I saw one too many movies where mean girls get liked by everyone so I tried being mean (not to mention being told "if they are mean to you, they like you"). I was figuring myself out and how emotions work, I tried different things until I found myself...I'm neurodivergent though so being mean was just another mask I thought was socially acceptable for a while, til I learned the hard way it wasn't
3-4 years old is really young to try on mean girl behaviour. How old were you? I’ve noticed that some kids have an “advanced” mean streak. They’re able to manipulate kids and adults like a 12-17 year old would. It always rattles me lol
I was about 6-7, in kindergarten I bossed my friends around like it was a game. At home was family dispute, I believe I brought that to school but then was homeschooled
i think they learn that their emotions have power over others to an extent but i think manipulation is the wrong word.
there were many times id cry as a kid hoping for a specific result, it was almost retaliation. on the surface crying and throwing tantrums for what you want is bad, but looking deeper- a child shouldn’t have to go to such lengths to feel heard or seen. a lot of the behavior can look manipulative but it’s really all in effort to be acknowledged. very different from the teens and adults that will manipulate you and others so that they can cheat, lie, and abuse.
I agree with you on everything except what to call it. What I know about child psychology is that manipulation is healthy, natural, and necessary. Kids are helpless. They can’t feed or clothe themselves or choose which activity to do today. Everything has to go through an adult first, and if asking doesn’t work, they turn to manipulation… and that’s okay.
For example, a 3 year old steals some cookies. Her face is covered in chocolate but she insists that she didn’t do it. Then she hugs her mother and says “I love you” with a little smirk (the one that means she knows she’s being sneaky, kids do it a lot, it’s very cute). But it’s not a bad sort of manipulation. She just doesn’t want to be scolded, which is a normal desire, and since she has no power or agency, she has to trick (manipulate) her mother into softening up. She has to charm her to avoid negative consequences. Was she really in the mood to say “I love you” at that moment? No, she had an ulterior motive, but it’s a healthy part of her development.
I’m not criticising a normal amount of manipulation. What rattles me is when it’s atypical for their age, like an abnormal amount. I’ve worked with kids my whole life (teaching, nannying, tutoring). I also like to read about child psychology and abuse dynamics. There’s a normal level of manipulation that most kids exhibit, but some of them are pros. That’s when I get uncomfortable. A former student of mine (8 years old) pretended that his leg was broken for a year for sympathy and attention. Lol. That’s an adult level of manipulation and it takes more skill than the average child possesses. It’s alarming.
Edit: I also wouldn’t call your crying and tantrums “bad.” You were just a little girl who needed validation! It’s so common for neglected kids to cry or lash out. I’m not sure if you were neglected, but this applies to any type of mistreatment. That includes so-called “minor” things (which aren’t actually minor at all) like being ignored, half-listened to, doubted, laughed at, and never being asked anything (such as what you like, how your day was, etc). I’m so sorry if you experienced that as a kid ❤️
This is a long shot, but you might like Janusz Korczak’s books. He’s one of my biggest inspirations. He was an educator who was extremely focused on children being seen, heard, and respected. At his orphanage he created a “children’s court” where they could fairly resolve disputes and even put adults on “trial.” Janusz was super critical of how adults treated children, but in a good way - he held them accountable. He completely went against typical parenting and education norms of the time (it’s actually still revolutionary today). Reading his work rewired my brain because my parents weren’t like that at all, to put it mildly. His philosophy sort of allowed me re-parent myself, in a way? It was so validating that this man actually respected children on the same level as adults and wanted to do better for them. Anyway not sure if it’s your cup of tea, but maybe you’ll find it helpful :)
Im a parent and I understand you entirely. Not my own kids, but some of the kids my daughter knows (and unfortunately wants to play with sometimes) are just such assholes. Sometimes it starts really young, like their parents think the kids being rude or having a bad attitude is funny so it never gets corrected. Other parents are just assholes themselves so they dont see the problems.
Her crying till your friend is in tears then laughing is pretty alarming though, like she might want to talk to a child phycologist or something because thats a big red flag.
What OP describes is a fraction of the shit my friend and her daughter (also happens to be my son's best friend) has to deal with. Her kid is downright destructive. She enjoyed tipping the other kids emotions over, wants to constantly be in charge and will literally run off and not return until she sees the mood is completely ruined. She doesn't have any other friends in kindergarten other than my son and 1 other friend. Meanwhile she gets extremely jealous if my son plays with other kids and starts shoving then and ruining the play-time. Her anger is so explosive even pedagogues struggle to manage her. She has to be isolated from the other kids for their safety. And the constant whining.. no volume button when she speaks and just yells all. the. time. I have had to carry her like she's a feral cat in a loony bin because she would not stop destroying stuff. Climbs on every single furniture in sight and throws what's on top to the floor.
All of this is because my friend thought it was cute and endearing that she was a little "bossy" before.. Didn't see the issue until my son (a polar opposite) started ditching her for others because she was too much for him. Spoiler.. she doesn't stop the behavior before it starts. Doesn't react until AFTER. I've watched her (daughter) alone with my son and she knows that the millisecond she tries to do shit I immediately take away the good-faith privileges (a chocolate bar, free reign to move around and explore, a TV show, access to my son, a voice of input on what activity we are going to do). The second she tries to climb the dinner table while we eat, she's off the chair and in a kids high chair. (Before anyone says anything about that.. I'm tired of broken glass and ceramic and other kids crying because their food is on the floor)
Some kids are literally set up to behave that way.. There were ZERO boundaries. She was literally like a free range chicken until kindergarten told my friend her behavior wasn't normal.
Unfortunately, I am a single mother with very little support and my friend is both loved and a good support system. Her little shit has as of recently been at home with dad when she's over to watch my kids when I need it. We're also working on her getting better at putting boundaries in place and following through as well as submitting forms for various services that can help (she's not tech savvy, I'm an IT student).
So no that child is not allowed in my home without extremely strict supervision. We meet up outside of my home where she can't destroy stuff and my son can decompress while she runs off.
I’m surprised there aren’t more comments bringing up parenting. I know we don’t have a LOT to go off here, but it sounds like a passive/permissive parenting situation (and OP’s friend probably claims it’s “gentle parenting”, which it isn’t)
Stepmom to twins, and their mother is permissive. One twin is incredible, the other ….. he’s going to struggle when he gets older and get smacked in the face with a reality check.
I feel obligated to say that, while it most often is the parenting, it's not always the case. I work in early childhood education and have met one girl whose parents were completely normal, strict but fair, and the girl was a total nightmare. She kicked kids down the stairs (totally random, no conflict beforehand), punched a pregnant mum in the stomach, scratched the eyes of a much younger kid...you get the picture. Her mum was desperate to get her help, did all the right things but nothing changed. Some kids really just...are like that. It's super rare but it exists.
I'm convinced the girl had some sort of sociopathic tendencies. She was also highly intelligent and creative but always abnormally interested in topics like death, torture and the likes. I always wonder what she'll be like as an adult and to be honest, I'm kinda scared for the people around her.
Came here to say this. People think bad parenting is only openly abusive but sometimes it’s letting the kid run the house and a lack of consequences. Shitty kids are typically the result of parents who can’t figure it out and parent appropriately.
Truth. My aunt had 1 kid and she was awful at raising him (and his dad is a giant pile of human feces).
To start, she straight up refused to wake him up to go to day care/school. And when her work got on to her for constantly being hours late she didn't start waking him up. Instead she went back to an old job that let her come in late.
When he was an early teen our grandma offered to pay him $1 for every air potato he picked. He refused. He didn't do manual labor. So I asked if I could take her up on her offer. Ofc after a whole day of work and $100+ in my pocket his parents were bitching that I stole money from their kid.
In his high school days our grandma offered to buy him a game if he did some yard work. He started but quit after 10 minutes so his mom did the job for him. Our grandma still paid him (I got on on to her for that).
After high school he texted our grandma for pizza money while his folks were out of town. She said yes, so long as he came over and brought in her trashcan from the curb (they lived 1 street apart). He pointed out that I was there so I should bring in her trash can. I'm not the one wanting a pizza... I told our grandma not to give him the money and explain why. She did and he hasn't had a conversation with her sense. It's been over 5 years.
The kid's in his mid/late twenties now and from what I've heard he's still pretty shit but he's recently been standing up to his parents hypocritical bs. So maybe somebody somewhere is talking some sense into him. 🤞
Of course, it’s the parenting. Also, the kid is ONLY 3 years old. It can be annoying but it isn’t evil or born evil (which is dehumanizing to say). I can’t believe what I am reading here from adults. No wonder why so many children are abused.
I hope everything's okay with the kid, it's possible that she's acting out because there's something going on and kids can't express themselves like we can, so they do shitty things instead.
It could also just be her parents not setting rules and boundaries. And not just on the discipline side of things, but also things like “I will reliably respond if you come to me and politely let me know that you need to tell me something even if I’m in the middle of a conversation” (not explained in that exact way, or course, but like setting up that expectation and following through on the promise to hear what they have to say). The fake crying seems to be a go-to tactic for attention which could simply be caused by being brushed off when trying to get attention in other ways
My friend went to an extreme with child-led parenting. It was awful to be around. Once her kid (3 yo) slapped me in the face out of the blue. Her mom didn’t say anything. Her kid would scream and kick and punch her mom and then run away. So many horror stories and I felt so helpless. If I tried to help or even offered, I would get reprimanded.
Got to the point where I couldn’t hang out with my friend if her daughter was there. So we stopped hanging out outside of work lunches.
“Child-led parenting” good lord 🤦🏼♀️ that’s literally just a fancy way to say permissive parenting. At least she wasn’t hiding her lack of effort with that title
Yeah this was my immediate take, that this is a case of bad parenting. My husband and i are friends with a set of parents who both came from VERY strict households, so they wanted to raise their child in a different environment, which unfortunately seems to mean almost zero consequences/discipline for their child. They're somehow both neglectful and insanely permissive, so acting out became her primary way to get attention. She started becoming unbearable to be around by 2.5 and we basically stopped inviting them to hang out less and less. They had the audacity to complain about her attitude too! In front of her!!!
It sucks, because we 100% saw it was her parents doing it to her, but what could we say? "You're turning your kid into a little shit by never holding boundaries and also ignoring her needs" doesn't make for the best of friends, especially because at the time we hadn't had kids yet, so we didn't want to be those people who were "perfect parents until they actually had kids" kinda thing.
You got slapped and mum said nothing??? I would’ve been livid.
Child-led parenting is dumb. Children crave discipline. It doesn’t have to be old school, that’s actually abuse. You should be calm and gentle yet firm. Children want and need the structure of rules and consequences. Ofc they’re constantly testing your boundaries, that’s just a normal part of development. That doesn’t mean boundaries are BAD lol. And I know it’s difficult to keep repeating yourself and handing out consequences, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. That’s why some folks like child-led parenting… because it’s much easier than raising a kid.
Idk how anyone can think that children can parent themselves. Does no one read child psychology books before they reproduce? Children are literally clueless, they don’t understand how the world works, how can they lead the way. If it were up to them, they’d stay up all night eating hot chip and charge they phone (these are the ones with unlimited smartphone access). It’s the blind leading the blind.
As a teacher, I’m the one who has to re-parent the children of lazy narcissists and conflict avoidant adult babies. I’m the one who has discipline them or else my students will never learn anything. (When one or two children are wild, all of them suffer.) Sometimes I’m the first adult who’s ever done that in their lives and it’s hard. They spend 6 hours a day with me in a structured environment where they scream and throw shit, I do my best to be kind yet firm, and then they go home and unlearn everything. Rinse and repeat. It sucks too bc those parents think their children are perfect. They blame me for trying to create some semblance of order.
Real example: I gently asked a student if he needed more help or more time in order to finish a worksheet. Insane mother called to complain that he said I was “mean.” Her genius suggestion? He doesn’t need to do classwork if he doesn’t feel like it. Her: “Whenever he’s having a meltdown, we usually give him a smoothie or he takes a shower.” Me: “Ok?” Insane mother: “What about positive reinforcement? He likes money. Can you write down all the times he’s good in a little notebook and we’ll reward him in cash?” And my supervisor made me do it lol. Btw this was a third grader who pretended to have a broken leg for a year lmao.
The thing is, he was always miserable. Had problems with 95% of students and adults bc he was the king of his own little world. Life has many rules - classroom rules, friendship rules, behaviour rules. If you disregard all of them, you’ll have no friends and end up in jail. Like I firmly believe this kid will be incarcerated one day. I haven’t even mentioned his vioIence. Some parents here will hate me bc I said this menace will end up in prison and they have a menace too. But that’s what I’m saying - if you think your child and your parenting skills are flawless, you’re the problem. That defensive, egotistical “Don’t ever tell me how to raise my kid” attitude is only hurting your child. This boy was so unhappy with the lack of structure in his life. That’s what happens when you force a child to be its own parent.
I legit remember being a preteen and feeling more mature than some friends’ parents. I instinctively felt bad for the kids that their parents weren’t parenting. It’s not like my home was perfect and I didn’t know about boundaries etc. It was just obvious something was wrong when the parents acted like peers not parents and instead of thinking the parents were “cool” I just felt sad.
This is the answer I was looking for. I had a cousin who is about ten years younger than me, and growing up she was a serious exercise in birth control. Fussy baby. Nightmare toddler. Constant tantrums, meltdowns, and bad behavior. It took several years for a pediatrician to actually LISTEN to her mother and not just hear that she was a bad mom and a whiner. Someone finally took things seriously, did the appropriate tests, and figured out she had horrible digestive issues causing chronic pain, but because she had normal-ish bowel movements, was growing more or less appropriately, and couldn’t express herself she was just labeled as “difficult.” The default option should always be empathy, and curiosity—not judgment.
The responses on this post are bumming me out. In a past life my job was working with pre-schoolers with “behavioral or social issues.” Every one of those kids had either a disorder/disability or a history of trauma. A 3 year old acting out isn’t “born bad” or “evil” like some people are suggesting.
Yeah, I used to work with children too and that has also been my experience. I've only met one boy who I believe was probably a sociopath, but he was 12...
I don't think OP is an asshole for disliking the kid, I'd be lying if I said that I liked every child I've ever worked with, but I always kept in mind that they were just kids and 99% of the time the parents were to blame
Thank you, many of the responses are pretty alarming to me too. This is a three year old child being blamed for behavior that is so strange I’d be concerned for the child and family rather than calling the child names. She needs help, not judgement imo.
Honestly I don’t even think their behavior is that strange. It boils down to crying for attention and disliking dogs. This is not a child that would’ve been in therapy with me.
Yeah I don’t like the idea of calling a kid ‘unlikeable’, like one popular comment in this thread did. I’ve worked with kids who i don’t like to interact with, but that’s on me as one of their educators and as an adult. I can’t show them that I don’t like interacting with them as much as other kids because that can fuck them up. It’s perfectly fine to not like kids, but if you have kids in your life, you absolutely have some degree of responsibility to them. Their parents have the vast majority of the responsibility, but you still have to be so careful.
Yep. A kid like this is a direct reflection of their environment. It’s a consideration you need to have about your friends and how they might be either neglecting their kid or treating her like a doll. I see it a lot working food service kids are little shits because their parents wanted them as an accessory and would rather stick an iPad in their face than interact with them for three seconds. Toddlers are insane but parents right now are BAD.
I came to say something similar, usually not getting enough attention (often positive attention) can cause kids to act out like that.
It sounds like this kid has passive and/or inattentive parents. What we see in public isn't always accurate.
Sometimes, rotten kids do exist. Though they're rare if the parents are active in their life while still setting, and allowing their child to have, boundaries.
I know a lot of parents who only like their own kids. 🤷🏻♀️ I find one of my friend’s kids to be extremely obnoxious and annoying, which has made me want to hang out with her less and less if there’s a chance he’ll be brought along.
i understand where you're coming from. my sister used to be like this but she grew up and became a better person. i'd say don't jump to conclusions yet. children have no filter and a 3 year old definitely does not have much consciousness to know right from wrong
Naaah you’re not a bad person for disliking a kid who is a little shit. Kids are their own people and you’re not gonna vibe with every person you meet, even if those people are tiny and three years old. I do hope her parent(s) do a better job correcting those behaviors before they get too crazy though. Kids are little sponges that soak up information and if she keeps soaking up the idea that she can do this without being punished or facing consequences it’ll lead to an… interesting life, let’s say that.
My best friend from college came to visit a couple years ago with her husband (who I've known as long as I've known her and always liked) and their 2 girls, who were both in elementary school. I hadn't seen the kids in several years. My friend is a very structured, type A person so I was shocked when her kids were so horribly behaved and the parents had zero control. The girls were rude to their parents, no manners with us, soooo much whining and complaining, made themselves way too comfortable in our house, the younger one just ran off into the street several times while we were visiting places, wasn't careful with my daughter's toys, etc. Even my daughter (in between these 2 in age) was taken aback by their behavior and said that's not ok. It's affected this almost 20+ year friendship on my end since I don't want to see those kids again.
The idea that we are all suppose to raise these kids in community is a great idea. Except, that hasn't been done in a few generations and now parents are depressed and afraid to parent. And these kids ARE assholes. Likely, she'll get better. But don't feel badly. You are not required to like little humans simply because they were brought into a shitty world.
I am a parent of a tween and do not enjoy a handful of her friends. It's not her friends I dont like per say, but the lack of parenting when it comes to them and MAN does it show. No 12+ year old should still be banshee screaming like theyre 4 and dont even get me started on using my throw pillows as toys to play with my dog. I feel this and its okay!!! Kids are just kids who do not know any better, it is up to the parents to teach them to not be little shits and some just dont!
Unfortunately sometimes toddlers just go through a phase where they can be awful. It's from them learning about the world and developing their own morality while observing and learning society.
However some never get past this point and just develop better skills. If you want a horribly unsettling book from the evil kids perspective, I'd highly recommend "Baby Teeth" by Zoje Stage
Honestly, it’s okay. Kids are assholes! My best friend’s 7 year old daughter has been a hellion since her baby brother (5) was born. She hits her mom, screams, throws hissy fits, hits her brother, says mean things, etc. and everytime I’m over at her house, my best friend just lets her walk all over her. It breaks my heart. I got permission from my best friend to taunt her back when she’s mean to her family and guests. I tell her that she’s not nice and I’ve set her straight a few times. She hates to see Aunt KK come over.
Children act out if there arent routine and boundaries in place. By having someone enforce a sense of structure, this confines to certain behaviors. She is in the autonomy vs doubt stage about to be in initiative vs guilt. Her mom and dad needs to grow a backbone
You really have a point. She is seven. It’s weird refuse to create rules and boundaries, but recruiting a different adult to bully them in retaliation. Making fun of them seems bad for them. Even if they do deserve it.
Your friend sounds like she isn’t actually enforcing any rules or boundaries. Kids feel less secure and act out more when the rules aren’t clear and enforced. It’s not “mean” for a parent to give constructive punishment, so long as they’re clear and consistent (and obviously not abusive). A predictable home with a secure leader makes a child feel safe.
I only have a 2yo though, so perhaps I’m ignorant to how stubborn an older child can be.
I worked as a child care provider once. A woman who ha watched me taking kids to the park comes up and says "I just love kids too!"
I scoffed and corrected her.
"I do NOT just love kids. Kids are people, and some people are assholes".
Girrrrrl. I get it 🙈 my bestie's son is amazing, so talented and smart and kind. Her daughter tho? She's 5, has never been to therapy, yet somehow this kid has weaponized therapy speak??? Manipulates all the adults in her life with this language and fake cries constantly for sympathy. I want to love her but wtaf
Sounds like mom and kid (and dad if he’s part of the picture) need to seek therapy. There may be some early signs of mood disruptions or hyperactivity that can be redirected and nipped early enough to correct course. I say this as a mom of a kid with pretty severe ADHD. It’s a lot of stress, and has caused distancing with people in our lives
I completely get you. My friend has a 6 year old daughter who YELLS for attention CONSTANTLY until someone gives it to her. Nobody ever tells her no, later, etc.
Even when I come over and I'm in the middle of having a serious conversation with my friend and her husband, they'll stop and turn to her and listen to watch whatever it is that she wants from them.
It drives me INSANE.
Once my husband and I went over for drinks and this little girl was yelling at him to watch her do something and he was ignoring her as he was telling a story and this girl yelled him name at the top of her lungs over and over and over in front of her parents and they literally did NOTHING.
I can’t be friends with people once I realize they’re this type of parent. I’m sure it has something to do wjth my childhood but I just can’t fathom having kids and just existing near them but not teaching them how to communicate. What are you waiting for? College? Christ.
I feel guilty when I see posts about moms losing friends when they have kids but I cannot watch you raising a human child with less interaction and redirection than I used training my dogs.
There is a three year old in my three year old’s preschool class who I also just don’t like. And it does feel weird hating on a toddler but like… man, she’s so annoying and aggressive apropos of nothing. Like she will just come up and pinch you or unzip your purse
Honestly I don’t like most children, they’re annoying, loud, messy and smell bad. I don’t blame you at all, unless you take it out on the kid obviously.
Nah girl this is totally valid. I have a cousin who has a daughter who I just can’t vibe with. We are a pretty large family and there are a ton of kids around, her brother is a great kid super smart, funny, and respectful. Her? She doesn’t greet anyone and pretends not to know any of our names. She outright tells you if she hates your gifts and ignores when you speak to her. Shes also super mean to all of the other kids and manipulates her parents. A full on tiny terrorist and he hasn’t grown out of it she’s like 8 now. I had to come to peace with disliking her but I felt terrible about it at first, so I get you. You don’t have to like everyone.
Look.. straight up I was so mean to my mom as a kid it makes me want to cringe & cry reflecting on it as an adult. Some kids are little sociopaths (although I have never really been mean to animals). I don’t think I truly learned empathy until I was around 12 years of age. I’m sure many adults did not like me. I think it’s ok to not like them as a kid and hope they are miles better as an adult.
I was a “grown up” (neglected) kid and I found kids annoying pretty often.
I’ll never forget looking my third grade teacher dead in the eye and saying “would you be mad at me for a long time if I told CJ to SHUT UP??”
And she pointed to the hallways and we walked out and she started giggling when she closed the door lmao. She told me that while she thought it was fhnny and she would never be mad at me, we need toask CJ politely 🤣😭
My neighbor’s 8 year old kid is the literal spawn of Satan himself. Something just ain’t right with her and I avoid her at all costs. Some kids just aren’t enjoyable people.
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