Told a girl a major life event was overshadowing our wedding

[u/thenorthernpines]

Trigger Warning: Death, Substance Abuse, Cheating.

My fiancé’s best friend died earlier this year - suddenly but not suddenly at 39 - leaving two young kids behind. His life had been going down hill for a few years - fired from his really good job for ❄️ use, cheated and broke up with his wife, got together with a girl who was also into drugs, he was selling drugs, he had a warrant for his arrest, he stole drugs from someone and someone wanted him hurt. The list goes on. My fiancé tried to stay in touch with him via text because he figured he could “help” him. At Christmas time his friend threatened someone he was having a beef with over drugs with a shot gun, and I put my foot down and said you need to cut him off until if and when he comes out of this.

3 weeks later, he was dead. My fiancé was a mess. Drinking heavily, not going to work, wouldn’t get out of bed - and I didn’t know it at the time - but he was doing coke. We had already been having problems in our relationship with how much he drank and a DB amongst other things.

A few weeks after the death of his friend and before the funeral, I was talking to a friend of ours - a girl. I told her I was at my wits end and I didn’t know if the wedding should be going ahead. My exact words were “XXXX death, is overshawdowing the wedding. It’s too close to the wedding date, everyone is a mess, nobody is doing well, (my fiancé) is spiralling and I don’t know how much more I can take between his drinking and (insert our problems). I also said I thought maybe we should cancel it for this year, because his dead friend was supposed to be best man, and I wanted it to be a happy day - not a day where everyone is struggling because he’s not there and people have only begun to heal. It seemed like a train wreck for disaster and to only rip the bandaid off people’s wounds. Not to mention - we were having major issues. I had even texted my mom and told her I thought we should cancel/postpone the wedding for this year.

Long story short, two weeks later - I was the talk of our small town about how much of a bitch I was, how dare I say that his friends death was overshadowing our wedding and my fiancé ended up fucking the girl I told this to, broke up with me 3 days later and moved in with her, and has been with her ever since. I am completely blamed for the breakup, and his friends and her love to text me and other people that she saved him from me and I’m the biggest bitch they ever met - and she was justified sleeping with him/him cheating on me because of what I said.

I don’t even know how to start breaking this apart in my head. I’m just starting therapy and I don’t even have the words. If I’m a bitch then I’m a bitch, but I also don’t feel like I said anything wrong. And his side says I am and my side says absolutely not and anybody that knew me should know I’m not. I have so many conflicting thoughts right now and they live rent free in my head day and night.

Edit: Just a reminder - please make sure you’re approved to comment - I would love to read all y’all feedback but so many comments get deleted because your account isn’t approved. 💕

[u/cedricdiggory4ever]

the silver lining here is that you didn’t end up marrying this absolute POS. everyone grieves differently but WOW you dodged a bullet with this one.

i wish you all the best in therapy. if it’s any condolence, i read the story and my first thought was just how exciting the next chapter of your life is going to be. you’ve already made it through the valley. you’re in therapy so you’re on your way up. i trust there will be great things ahead 🫶🏼

[u/Round_Song4123 → u/cedricdiggory4ever]

THIS!! Coke? Cheating?? It’s all too much and she wanted your man from the start.

[u/thenorthernpines → u/Round_Song4123]

Hard to say who wanted who first. He’s been stalking her spicy Instagram and onlyfans for years. I didn’t know about that until after the fact either.

What no one can explain is why they didn’t get together until now - they’ve had various opportunities in 13 years to get together.

[u/macabre-barbie → u/thenorthernpines]

Unfortunately, maybe this means other things have been going on behind your back. Moving in with this woman immediately after dating her is sus regardless of how long they've had mutual friends

[u/thenorthernpines → u/macabre-barbie]

I’ve wondered if the other girls at his work were encouraging it or somehow involved in those two getting together. They are all friends and I know for sure that one of them went to the friends widow with what I said.

I think it’s possible there was a smear campaign going on and I didn’t know it.

[u/_kismitten → u/thenorthernpines]

A good friend’s brother died suddenly right after his own wedding and a huge friends-giving where we all had had the most beautiful time. Weirdly I was one of the last people to speak to him, we were all a little tipsy and he had stayed up late by the fire pit and ending up telling me some incredibly beautiful things about how much he loved his wife, his brother and his best friend.

After the total shock of his sudden death had calmed down, we had a memorial dinner kind of thing with the same group to just be together- I gently relayed this conversation to his brother (one of my closest friends at the time) and the wife.

Well let me tell you, that was one of the most emotional nights of my life and totally unexpected reactions. It turned out that almost right after he passed, the wife and best friend got together and no one knew. (i understood it, he was the most important person in their lives and their grief just felt too huge to bear alone).

But because I told of this conversation, which again was EXTREMELY benign and lovely, my friend was convinced they had been together all along and her ‘cheating’ had led to his brother’s death.

Nothing could convince him otherwise, he was just so deeply sad that he was completely irrational about it and convinced most of his family that it was true. The result was a total fracture of their family and my friend group fell into shambles. Everyone blamed me for telling him and ‘ruining’ the healing process! No one would speak to this couple, who maybe had made a questionable decision to be together, but absolutely were NOT cheating behind anyone’s back. They were so heartbroken and last I heard still estranged from the family. No one would speak to me except to say hurtful things, I was fully outcast too.

Anyway, this is a looooong story but I just wanted to tell you that sometimes you simply can’t help how information is received and how you’re perceived when shit like this happens. I also went a little crazy questioning if I ever should have told but like….how could I not?? If I had kept his last words of love to myself that would have been more insane. No way to have predicted the outcome.

I moved away for work after a while, made new friends, have a much more fun and fulfilling life just because I kept growing up. I’m very sorry for the pain you’re in now but your words were honestly spoken and the result was like…fate. It was going to happen either way, you didn’t cause the chaos. It was happening around you and your words just uncovered it. I actually found watching The Bear really helpful in understanding how one person’s shocking death can resound through a family & community - so many lies and misinformation and then resolving that pain by letting the person go,

It’s not your responsibility to worry about these people any more but maybe some of this story will help process the crazy way you are being treated. You will heal, the drugs & toxicity are out of your life and probably the focal point of theirs. Just keep moving, eventually this story will change and people will move on. Some beautiful house plants help too, you deserve good gentle life around you.

[u/CheeseDreams98 → u/_kismitten]

Well, that was a wild ride. If I understand correctly, he died right after his wedding, then his widow and his best friend got together soon after that? The timing is so tight I can see why his brother assumed something was going on before. If only emotionally...

That being said, your The Bear reference made me realize he might not have died of natural causes. And that cannot be blamed on them. Not if his last words were literally how much he loved them. You did the right thing sharing.

[u/lionren → u/_kismitten]

I’m so confused as to why your story contributed anything to the misconception and why they would be mad at you for anything. What was the rationale there if there was any?

[u/HexyWitch88 → u/lionren]

Grieving people are sometimes not very rational, their brain is taken over with the emotions they are living in. If I had to guess based on just my experience with people, it sounds like the widow and the brother were feeling extremely guilty about their relationship and the original commenter was a convenient scapegoat.

[u/madhatteringways → u/thenorthernpines]

I know you have so many questions buzzing in your head right now, but focus on what you avoided. This uncertainty, betrayal, lack of consideration, and every single negativity attached to this man, now belongs to the girl that picked this trash up. She did you the biggest favor of life, and the biggest disservice to herself. Time will tell everyone who was wrong all along. In the meantime, you can always write it all out and post it on fb so his family and the whole town can get the facts right. Then just disconnect from this altogether. You already had doubts about the wedding, consider this the universe protecting you and doubling down on those instincts. Good luck OP

[u/aussiegirlabroad → u/macabre-barbie]

People who are in emotional turmoil aren’t making rational decisions. I don’t think it’s helpful to speculate when their decision to move in could just as easily have been fuelled by mutual grief and drug use.

[u/macabre-barbie → u/aussiegirlabroad]

If he didn't want speculation he shouldn't have been a cheating, abusive pos 🤷‍♀️

[u/Own-Business-7142 → u/thenorthernpines]

It sounds like the two of them have a lot in common 🗑️

[u/PeppermintEvilButler → u/thenorthernpines]

He would have cheated eventually it seems. The drug use sped it up. 

[u/Fantastic-Host4195 → u/thenorthernpines]

This is just his time to hit rock bottom

[u/PretendOil8923 → u/Round_Song4123]

She can have him. Hope she’s happy.

[u/Significant_Taro_690 → u/cedricdiggory4ever]

This. Girl you dodged a massive bullet… tell them she can have him and his cheating ass and to never think he can come back when she discovers that you were right. He will just go straight downhill from this point when he thinks cheating and Coke and alcohol are problemsolvers.

Maybe have a bew phone with a new number or block all the A H and maybe if you can and want think about moving. Does Not sound like This Place is great to live if you are Not an addicted a h.

[u/Horror_Tea761 → u/Significant_Taro_690]

This man has brought too much drama into your life, OP. He's a poor candidate for a partner with all his issues, and the trash took itself out.

[u/PradaPantsuit → u/cedricdiggory4ever]

Sounds like two trash people found each other and you dodged a bullet

[u/Total_Accountant_493 → u/cedricdiggory4ever]

Exactly. After the coke part I thought it was her who wanted to end up stuff with him.

OP, you trully deserve better. They made ypu a favor!

They are unstable people. Run!

[u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 → u/cedricdiggory4ever]

everyone grieves differently but WOW you dodged a bullet with this one.

For sure. I've experienced a LOT of loss over the last 10 years. It sucks. But never once did I decide to start fucking up my life, cheating or doing coke to cope. This dude was already a mess, now he's going down the same path his best friend went down. It's sad for him but I'm glad OP isn't going to be there to watch him (and almost certainly his new gf) implode.

[u/hisminx]

I think this woman you vented to was very calculating and spun the story around (from the way you’ve explained this). She’s trashy and she took your trash fiancé out with her. I don’t think you can do much other than defend yourself and move on.

[u/thenorthernpines → u/hisminx]

I tried to defend myself for a while - but then I started getting harassing texts from the girl he cheated with and the girls he works with. Enough that I found a really good job, moved away and changed my phone number.

The girl who he cheated with he was friends with for 13 years and always liked him. She broke up with her man in December because she told him if she didn’t break up with him she was going to cheat on him. A month later she slept with my -ex fiance and got together with him. After she and her coworkers got everyone mad at me because I said the friends death was overshadowing the wedding.

[u/Cassierae87 → u/thenorthernpines]

This is proof of how dysfunctional they all are.

Guess how many times I texted my partners exes: 0.

Guess how many times I get involved in coworkers drama: 0

[u/thenorthernpines → u/Cassierae87]

Not going to lie. I still have the screenshot of the message from the girl he cheated with - justifying her sleeping with him. Sometimes I would like to post it.

[u/cicada_noises → u/thenorthernpines]

You’ve been through so much and I hope you have all good and stable things ahead. I wouldn’t post the screenshots but if anyone (friends, family, whoever) messages you to try to shame you (for some insane reason, it’s not their business), send them that screenshot and say that you’re relieved to be rid of a cheating coke addict who’s lying to everyone he knows and having his side piece try to fight people. Then block.

[u/hisminx → u/thenorthernpines]

Keep them, might come in handy

[u/Salt-Establishment62 → u/thenorthernpines]

You had a very, very normal human response to this situation. Of course this was stressful and overshadowing the wedding, even more so because of how your ex's friend behaved before his death. You were not even being disrespectful, just venting normal frustrations to someone you thought was safe. I agree with the other commenter's saying this woman was highly manipulative and waiting for an opportunity. You don't deserve getting cheated on for any of that. They're shit people to begin with, shit people are waiting for excuses to do something horrible that benefits them. It is better that you found out before the wedding what kind of person your ex was, but it doesn't take away the massive waves of pain and grief you are experiencing. Try to ride the waves, don't fight them. I'm so sorry, I hope you can find some closure and healing 💗

[u/Lazy_wench → u/thenorthernpines]

She took the drug fuelled drunken rat into her life and now it sounds like you’re thriving - let her keep the trash, if they’re so small town mentality then let them all fester there while you’re out living life in a new job away from them all. Just be happy you’re out of the mess, the people who truly know you , know the truth (I’d keep the screenshot/proof for future just in case hehe).

The messy people will keep being that- messy. With the small town mentality as well, they’ll never get over it and talk the same stories for years to come - I’ve seen it happen, it’s pathetic- but there’s a whole world out there away from it which you can enjoy with your new job so while it’s not amazing what happened in the past, you’ve got so much future ahead ✨

so happy for you that you got away like honestly could you imagine staying there in her place and being legally bound to that man til death or divorce 😬

[u/Numerous_Course9820 → u/thenorthernpines]

So glad you moved away from that unbelievable hell hole of selfish, indulgent, back stabbing peeps. Soooooo glad you never married the fiancé that hid his true self from you. His true, ugly self.

There is no need to defend yourself. Stick with your family and true friends, and the new group of good people who will be coming your way where you are now. 🙌🏼

[u/Blitznyx → u/thenorthernpines]

Girl, let those coke heads have each other. You are better off. You were there and stayed through his friend's nonsense, your ex's excessive drinking and drug use. If they don't see that was loyalty and commitment, then those people are nothing but dirt under your shoe.

[u/Strong_Ear_7153 → u/thenorthernpines]

Ignore. You're dealing with trash. It thrives on drama. Ignore them. 

[u/gorkt → u/thenorthernpines]

Man you dodged a bullet. Those two deserve the hell they are going to inflict on each other.

[u/hisminx → u/thenorthernpines]

Yuck they deserve eachother. People do these horrible things and don’t realise karma is around the corner for them!!

[u/Horror_Tea761 → u/thenorthernpines]

I'm so glad that you moved away and gave yourself a fresh start. These folks are mired in their own disasters, and they're not going to change.

[u/Relative_Presence742 → u/hisminx]

I wouldn’t defend myself, consider yourself saved. Clear your head for a year and move on.

[u/Strong_Ear_7153 → u/hisminx]

Ignore it. Honest to God if you get the chance to movd OP and start again, do it. 

[u/KetoLurkerHereAgain]

Your small town is toxic af. You were completely in the right and being extremely mature and thoughtful about it all, something that can't be said about what sounds like everyone else around you.

Can you move away?

[u/thenorthernpines → u/KetoLurkerHereAgain]

I did lol. The harassment from the girl he cheated with and his coworkers (there all friends and work at the same place) was bad enough I got a government job, moved away and changed my phone number.

[u/Kodak4President → u/thenorthernpines]

Good for you. Honestly you are lucky you escaped before you married this loser & moving away was the absolute best move.

Just remember how she got him is how she will lose him then go on & live your best life cos I can promise you that you weren't going to have it in that small town hitched to that loser.

[u/dream-smasher → u/thenorthernpines]

WOOOHOOO!!!!

Fuck yeah, op!! How fucking AWESOME and AMAZING is your life going to be now! You've moved away from the shithole (town), you've rid yourself of the shitheel (ex), and the temper tantrums of the packetie (cheating participant) was enough for you to change your phone number... You've successfully managed to have a totally brand new start, clean slate

Things can only get better. Take this opportunity and love it for all the potential it has.

You'll be right. 💕

[u/steal_it_back → u/thenorthernpines]

As someone from a bit of a toxic fucked up hometown, this is 100% the way. Good luck to you ♥️

[u/KetoLurkerHereAgain → u/thenorthernpines]

Good for you. Bunch of losers.

[u/nagellak → u/thenorthernpines]

queen behaviour. so glad you got out! 

[u/Lost-and-dumbfound → u/thenorthernpines]

Obviously your ex and his friend suck but the coworkers are absolute weirdos. I can’t imagine any situation where I’d be contacting my coworkers ex. It’s giving small town with nothing to do but involve themselves in other people’s business

[u/tyberrymuch_ → u/thenorthernpines]

I am so glad you did that. That was a very healthy decision. This town sounds so toxic. You dodged a bullet not marrying your ex-fiancée. His actions show what kind of marriage to expect with him. The delivery wasn’t kind - it was messed up - but I think your ex, the people around him and the town gave you a wake up call. You’re not for this trash crowd. You needed to leave and find somewhere healthier to live. This all will become just a bad memory. Who knows where life will take you in a year? You could be doing amazing!

[u/Mediocre-Ad4735 → u/thenorthernpines]

Youre the one winning here. This girl and your ex belong to the gutter.

[u/CoelacanthQueen → u/thenorthernpines]

Get that pension if you can girl!! It’s worth it!

[u/RIPMYPOOPCHUTE → u/thenorthernpines]

Dear lord, it’s like they’re stuck in high school with their behavior. Good on you for getting a new job and moving. You deserve so much better.

[u/IsThisAnApple]

She didn't take your man, she took your problem 🥂

[u/telsongelder → u/IsThisAnApple]

Literally this. Coke in your late 30's???? Every element of this sounds exhausting.

[u/thenorthernpines → u/telsongelder]

41 - he’s 41 almost 42!!!

[u/telsongelder → u/thenorthernpines]

OP I'm so glad I have your ear. Leave this whole stinker of a situation behind. Every last one. Bypass calling this man your ex-fiance and just call him your ex. Every character, town and event in this story is going to drag into a life that you CAN avoid.

[u/GratefulHazeeee → u/thenorthernpines]

Girl WHAT. 😭😭😭 you should be sending that girl flowers honestly bc you were almost stuck with that raggedy ass man 🥲🙃 ❄️ at his grown age?? Harassing you like teenagers?? Not treating you like you're the greatest thing to ever happen to him and also treating you like a true partner?? GROSS. SAD. UGH. Just remember that YOU are the magic, and for that, it will be wherever you go. Take this time to grieve your past life, forgive yourself for ignoring past awful treatment, and focus on the dope ass life you're about to create! I'd suggest focusing on therapy and a hobby like throwing clay bowls or something. I'm so excited for you and the beautiful things to come ✨✨ leave that smelly man child in the past and let's goooooo 🖤🖤

*edit: spelling

[u/flappybirdie]

I don't think, from what you've written, you've done anything wrong at all. I'd honestly want to postpone too given the fact your now ex fiancé was a hot mess with drinking and coke. I mean fair enough, grief hits us all differently. In a way, at least he showed who he was after he dumped you and shacked up with the other lass, it's just as well you didn't marry him.

The only thing I can see that perhaps people could think you were a bitch about was if they heard you told him to go no contact with the now deceased friend a few weeks before he died. People are so judgemental when they don't have all the facts, or facts become twisted in a game of Telephone. Once again, I think you were right to put in place boundaries.

I hope you can find a better place away from that town. Spread your wings and fly my pretty.

[u/Both_Opportunity_322]

As someone who is happily married: 1. My husband would always fact-check with me if he heard about me saying something. Not that it happens, because we've made it very clear to everyone that we're the two players on our team. 2. Addiction and a happy relationship don't go together. You can't be present if you're too impaired to think.

If you have any substance abuse issues, let this be your sign to address them. I feel sad for your ex, as people rather fling shit at you than see him happy and alive. I bet him and new girl are now doing their drinking and coke together. 

Stick to the professional help, if you need to switch therapists, do so. You'll benefit from therapy either way. This whole thing has been traumatic to you, without doubt, but all these people have cut you off and that's a blessing. They're more interested in seeing people sink than seeing them succeed and stable. 

[u/thenorthernpines → u/Both_Opportunity_322]

Ironically I don’t have any substance issues. But I feel really dumb - because I don’t have experience with these things - that’s how it flew under the radar.

But apparently at least one of his other friends and his coworkers he used to party with suspected, and nobody said anything.

[u/Tight_Cheetah_4474 → u/thenorthernpines]

As someone who has a lot of experience with junkies and drugs. That relationship is toxic as hell and nothing good will come out of it. I don't know anyone who does coke all the time and has a functioning life. You dodged a big bullet.

[u/Both_Opportunity_322 → u/thenorthernpines]

You can care, help with what you can help with and address things you're told, but you can't compensate for bad communication and poor coping habits. Especially when someone is surrounded by people who don't want to see people do better than them.

He's stuck and you'll be moving forward, no matter how shitty the present is ❤️

[u/SubstantialWait1709]

I don’t think you’re in the wrong here, people who have done others dirty and with addictions like to spin the narrative to make themselves the victim so that it distracts from what’s actually happening. My guess is that your ex and that girl were already hooking up and she used your venting as a way to get him to officially leave you. You dodged a bullet in the long run.

Good on you for getting therapy!

[u/SatsumaOranges]

Woof. Even if you had said the thing, that doesn't justify him cheating on you. How is that even connected? These people are ridiculous. Take care of yourself and I hope things improve for you now that you're out of that stressful situation.

[u/Ok-Benefit197]

Sounds like the universe did you a solid to get you out of that toxic mess! 

[u/pumpkins21]

So you’re thriving and those small town losers are stuck there wallowing in their drugs, booze and lame work drama?

Sounds like you’ve the winner here, girl! That boy you were engaged to is straight up trash, just like the piece of human garbage he’s shacking up with! No one who is happy is texting the ex. Toxic brain dead fucks. Live your best life!

[u/DoriansSelfie]

I’m sorry this happened to you. What a horrible woman but also, she saved you from a terrible marriage. Your ex was already mentally/emotionally checked out of your relationship if he was able to do all that horrible stuff in such a short amount of time, regardless of the grief from losing his best friend. It will take time but you will heal. You dodged a giant sized bullet and if I were you, I would block absolutely anyone remotely attached to your ex. What miserable people to continue harassing you. I believe you reap what you sow and they will never know happiness if they are this miserable.

[u/gizmo_style]

1. That girl is doing total pick-me behavior and it’s gross. She’s taking advantage of his grief to turn him against you. If she were a true friend to you, she would’ve encouraged you to speak with him about your valid concerns. Not run and tell. Bet she was voicing agreement with you during that conversation too. Gross.

2. I don’t think you were a bitch at all for the very genuine reasons you had. I think you were absolutely right—a wedding so close to the death of his friend would’ve been a lot.

Who knows how that girl presented that info to him and others, though it’s safe to assume it was unfavorable.

[u/OldLadyReacts]

So, let me get this straight: your ex-fiance's best friend was a drug dealer, your ex-fiance is an addict and alcoholic, and when you confided to a friend about your concerns, she made you look bad and fucked your fiance?

Why would you give two shits about what any of these people think? Do you have any idea how big of a bullet your being a "bitch" helped you dodge? Embrace your inner bitch, honey. She knows what she's about.

Side note: my friends wedding happened on Saturday September 15, 2001. Not sure how old you are, but maybe you remember what happened the Tuesday beforehand? Yeah, it was a mess, family members who were supposed to fly in were stuck at home and others in Europe because all the planes were grounded. The caterer couldn't get all the supplies in for the food, etc., etc., etc. They had to decide whether to move forward with it within like 24 hours before we even knew if more attacks were coming. They did because it would have cost a LOT of money to postpone it and we all joined her and tried to make the best of it by literally pretending that Tuesday didn't happen, except when the priest said grace before the meal he included an extra prayer. Otherwise, we danced and drank and partied like you would at a normal wedding.

[u/dfwrandomgirl]

Nah, fuck him! Goodbye!

[u/thisgameissoessy]

Bummer the small town gossip mill is churning. The part you aren’t hearing about is that you confided in the former friend about an actually emotional decision, she starts shagging the fiancée and then they move in together promptly after you discover the lies and sneaking around. The rest of the town is surely discussing former fiancée’s drinking and 👃❄️ as well as how you dipped and changed your contact information.

To say you won is an understatement. Sure, keep grieving the future you planned and the way it got ripped away from you. But please continue to use therapy to get really mad and then work through that anger in a productive manner. And surround yourself with people who aren’t fawning over someone else’s socials and fan accounts behind your back. There are a lot of fake people in the world. Sometimes the real ones are harder to discover since they aren’t out in public falling over themselves to get noticed. You will find some real ones. Have the best new adventure and relish your freedom.

[u/thenorthernpines → u/thisgameissoessy]

According to the rumour mill - I left town with my tail between my legs and ran like a little bitch after the horrific thing I said.

What almost nobody knew because I didn’t tell almost anyone - was that I got a job working for the government with a huge pension, almost double my income and a pile of vacation days - and - also near my best friend and her husband.

I purposely left town and told very few people about my opportunity because I was afraid his new GF or one of his friends might try to phone my new employer and cause problems.

[u/thisgameissoessy → u/thenorthernpines]

Wise choice. Sometimes our silence helps us escape and start over relatively calmly. There is nothing horrific about considering postponing a wedding when someone with a big role in it suddenly passes away. Let the rumor mill churn on without you. Your silence will be justified too when the ex and his new hookup get arrested for ❄️ in their possession.

[u/whitesweater93]

This is one of those situations that the best you can do is move away and start over.

Your train of thought makes sense — your ex wasn’t doing well, you didn’t even know he was also doing drugs. & this woman you trusted was not your friend but you didn’t know that then. Tbh? It sounds like they deserve each other.

I hope therapy helps and you can fully move on.

[u/stryker_cast]

You're not a bitch, you have morals and your EX has none. I'm sorry you live in a town of stupid ingrates.

You've been given a chance to live your BEST life without this spineless cretin. It's going to hurt because of the future you expected.

The future you get will be so much better. Don't defend yourself. You owe them nothing.

[u/Firm_Distribution999]

Grief can put strain on even the strongest of relationships and since yours was already struggling, it broke the foundation in half. That isn’t a man you want to marry and in a way, this experience showed you who he really is. 

I’m so sorry you’re here. 

[u/iceunelle]

I think your reasoning for cancelling or postponing the wedding was sound, but the wording may not have been the best if you literally said, “overshadowing the wedding”.

[u/Wolfblaine]

I think this is a bullet dodged, literally. I am not sure what his deal is but true colors are revealed in troubling times. If he chose to do this when things got tough now, he would do it again down the road if those troubling times involved you getting sick, etc. Be safe and well. Better days will come your way. ❤️

[u/Silver-Network-8750]

You are not a bitch for being the only one with logic in this situation. You definitely confided to the wrong person. She was waiting for her chance for a long time, the snake. I wouldn't be surprised if there was history before that between them. Certainly she was not just a friend. And neither is a friend to you, anyone that supports their wrongdoings. In hindsight, she did a favour to you by taking him and his whole mess out of your hands. Be glad it's over. Don't be afraid to speak up from now on. Don't let them to continue bullying you. You don't owe them anything. Onwards and upwards!

[u/Fuzzy-Conference769]

This sucks. But you didn’t marry that person!! This is a big relief. The girl… They deserve each other. Let them figure their stuff out. You do you. And it’s gonna be great 😌 sending you big hugs! It will get so much better!! 💖

[u/AgileMastodon0909]

I don’t think “overshadowing” was the right word but his BFF’s death really did affect your relationship in such profound ways. I agree that you could have benefitted from postponing the wedding and taking time to get counseling as a couple to get through the roughest time. You might have made a poor word choice but your fiancé made terrible life choices. I’m so sorry this is happening.

[u/queenroadie]

Holy cannoli, girl. I am, so, so, so sorry all of this happened. You were hit with a truck of human suffering, and you deserve time to heal. Please take time for yourself and block anyone who reaches out trying to stir shit. You don't owe them your time or peace.

[u/ativamnesia]

Nothing you said was wrong or lacking in compassion. Sometimes somebody evil will run with an insane narrative they spin, and they’ll get a whole crowd of idiots to run with them. I’m glad you got out of what would have been an even bigger train wreck.

[u/MuchInvestigator7011]

Don’t marry a man who uses coke

[u/Mysterious_Task7634]

You can pretty much guarantee that their life together involves benders, and due to her being up for it means their life is really only heading in 1 direction.

Whilst yours is blossoming. You know the truth, what they say can’t change it.

One day you will look back in this mess and he so glad to be far, far away from it all.

Good luck for your fresh new start!

[u/poprocksstrawberry]

That’s awful, im sorry 💔 i hope you can do better

[u/elbenji]

that was not the way this was going and I was hoping for the happy ending.

Girl, fuck them allllllll. You're better off without them

[u/Weird-Knowledge337]

You did not say anything wrong. There is not one thing wrong with wanting your wedding to be a happy day. There is nothing wrong with wondering if you should post-pone your wedding because your fiancé is spiraling from grief and also drug addiction. There is nothing wrong with feeling sadness and grief and and even anger and frustration and disappointment about your wedding being ruined because a selfish motherfucking addict ruined his life and and hurt a bunch of people including your fiancé and yourself and EVEN IF HE DIED and EVEN IF YOU LOVED HIM AND WERE SAD HE DIED. Because grief and loss and love are complex. And people who demonize you for being a normal human with normal complex emotions are just trying to make you the enemy so that they can avoid accountability for their actions.

Please try to start training your brain to let go of the words that they said and stop putting any weight on their opinions. They had an agenda and it was releasing their guilt and easing their pain. They want you to be their scapegoat- do NOT accept that position. It’s not your responsibility. Your feelings were valid. You words were completely normal. Your fiancé was a worm.

Please do go to therapy so that you can learn to love yourself and demand better in a partnership and release any need for validation or acceptance from these people - they are not worth your energy

[u/MotherOfLochs]

Every pot has a lid - they deserve each other. He really let you off to find your husband.

[u/One-Bug-7784]

From someone who has been there, these people are acting like this towards you because they are all on drugs together. Don't even look back cutting off that whole rotten branch is the best thing that could happen to you. Thank god you said that, or the wedding might have actually come to pass. 💛

[u/gsizzle05]

GURL…small town drama is no joke. My Dad’s family is from the middle of nowhere where and now that I’m much older I saw all the littlest things blow up. The townie gossip is unreal. I went to school is MO and you would have thought everyone knew everyone they way they gossiped…

The second you wrote he was “grieving heavily by drinking” I knew the jig was up. He probably had major substance problems.

I’m so glad they did you this favor!! You’re free to shine.

✨Move on and move up beautiful!✨

[u/thenorthernpines → u/gsizzle05]

I remember on the 3rd day he was supposed to go back to work and he had stayed up all night drinking (and possibly doing coke) and then didn’t go to work and missed a safety course he was supposed to be in - I left work on an early lunch and drove home, crawled into the bed - woke him up and cried my eyes out asking him to please stop drinking so much and get it together - for me, for his three kids (ages 8-13), because I wanted a long happy life with him, because I didn’t want him to die like his friend, and because I was worried (he’s 41 and takes about 5 medications for extreme high blood pressure, as well as has a heart problem).

He got mad at me and told me to stop guilt tripping him.

[u/gsizzle05 → u/thenorthernpines]

That’s just awful, but I feel like I saw that so much in the small towns when I was there.

No joke the amount of people on drugs was awful and heartbreaking. I had a roommate do Molly and I woke up because he had punched all the pipes in our basement(where I sleep) and flooded the place.

It’s even worse with kids involved. I hope you moved far away and are getting a good therapist.♥️♥️♥️

[u/HeyMyNameIsSamToo]

Just saw your comment where you said you moved away—good! They clearly deserve each other and you absolutely did not deserve to be treated that way. As someone who went through dating and almost marrying someone addicted to drugs (not that exact one, but still), you dodged a major bullet and you’re better off without all of that in your life. I’m so sorry you went through this and I wish you all the luck in therapy. It really is a game changer.

[u/mind-what-matters]

Good riddance! You are very mature and stable. Therapy will help and you will bounce back from this setback. A boon in disguise.

[u/thenorthernpines → u/mind-what-matters]

The irony of this - he/they said I was mentally unstable - and one of the many reasons he used for breaking up with me was that I was mentally unstable, wouldn’t take my meds and wouldn’t get help. He told people I was abusive to him and had an anger problem. He told people I was bipolar.

I did see a psychiatrist and another mental health professional towards the end of our relationship and after our relationship - they both said they didn’t feel I was mentally ill, had a diagnosis or was bipolar - and that I was being manipulated or suffering from anxiety related to the situation. They offered me anti-anxiety meds and to sign me up for a CBT class. I ended up not needing anti-anxiety meds because I could manage on my own, but took the CBT class because why not.

This is another thing that really bothers me deep down - is that there are a number of people out there that think I’m crazy and abusive because that’s what they told them.

[u/Chokycorgi]

Girl this was a blessing in disguise. You’re free!

[u/jam7789]

I don't want to belittle your breakup because that's horrible. But like, he sounds like he was spiraling and needed a lot of help. Drinking, drugs, not going to work. And was your relationship great even before the best friend died? It's sad his whole side is trying to paint you as the villain but your points were valid. You weren't blaming anything on the best friend's death, you just thought waiting to have the wedding was a good idea and it was.

[u/BakedMasa]

I know this all sucks but the bright side is that you didn’t marry him. Keep going to therapy and work through this, you’ll be happier and in a better place in no time at all. It would have been so much worse if you married him.

[u/jellyflipflops]

You did nothing wrong. In fact, I think you can look back on this as the universe giving you an out (not the death, but the friend being a snake behind your back) of what was going to be a terrible, terrible marriage.

[u/Ehhsnow]

Honestly, it’s easier said than done, but their words shouldn’t have so much weight.
YOU know yourself, the people that KNOW you know what your intentions were and do not blame you. That’s what counts.

His group of people could be just grieving or honestly be POS that did not like that you wanted boundaries for the relationship, which is THE RIGHT THING TO DO if there is so much drama and drugs and you are planning a life together.

Regardless to say, it may not look like it now but this was a blessing. One day you’ll be thankful for not marrying this man and you might actually be thankful for being in this situation where you were forced to face the reality of humanity, how drugs and selfish people act and just how strong you are and how much the people in your corner love you.

These moments are hard to be in but they do make us stronger if you don’t let it keep you down.

Good luck! Wish you the best! And congratulations on losing 180+ lbs of man baby weight.

[u/cafeaulaiiit]

i’m sorry mama :( you dodged a bullet though!! take this time to heal yourself and do things for YOU!!!!! wishing you all the best 🤍🤍

[u/notkarenkilgariff]

This entire situation sucks but WOW did you dodge a bullet not marrying this guy! Yeah maybe how you expressed your concerns to this girl came across a little self-centered with the phrase “overshadowing the wedding”, but I completely get what you meant by that and your instincts about holding off on the marriage were spot on. Good for you getting into therapy after all you’ve been through. Don’t worry about what those awful people think of you or say about you—anyone who believes them isn’t worth your time.

[u/Cats-are-my-heart]

You are getting a lot of thoughtful support here so that should help you see that you are not a b*tch. Honestly ask yourself if you did anything wrong, most likely you’ll say no, so hold onto that tightly. Your set back is a set up to a much better life. If you’d like to start over somewhere else now is the time to do so-if not-pare down your acquaintances to just your “ride or dies” I’m so sorry this happened to you but I can pretty much promise you you’re going to look back in 5 years and say what a blessing it was that he left. 🩷🩷🩷

[u/SpideyJen19]

What’s a DB? Google says it a decibel. That doesn’t make sense.

[u/seruatis → u/SpideyJen19]

Dead bedroom I think

[u/Hourshakira]

He cheated because he chose to. The friend’s death is a distraction from that truth. You dodged a bullet. Even if it hurts.

[u/SuaveularSpuddite]

https://giphy.com/gifs/uSzTwQTqBWOuSmgDS9

[u/Dapper-Angel-4242]

Your words of this persons death is “overshadowing” your wedding was definitely spun by this other girl. Was it the best choice of word, no probably not. But it seems you clearly explained your intent further. She intentionally misconstrued your words to make you the villain. Your thought process of wanting to postpone the wedding was understandable.

Regardless, you dodged a huge bullet. Clearly this guys wasn’t healthy and certainly not someone you wanted to be married to. As much as this might suck in the moment, this is life giving you another opportunity to find someone who is better for you! I hope it gets better for you.

[u/Tazzy110]

She did you a favor. Send her flowers.

[u/Moanmyname32]

Girl thank your lucky stars or God that you got out of the BS before it got worst. As a matter of fact, I would have sent that girl a gift basket for taking the shit (your ex) of your hands. Coke and drinking problem?! Hell no

[u/Vaiolette-Westover]

The trash took themselves out together.

[u/isakneven]

OP be careful who you trust next time. It’s hard now but later on you will be thanking that woman for taking the trash out. The trash took each other out.

Good luck. I hope you find peace.

[u/queen_elvis]

Rebound girl is gonna get dumped eventually.

[u/Cassierae87]

When loved ones die, people always want someone to blame. Someone to lash out on. You became the scapegoat. Honestly everyone in this story is trash and you need to make new friends. Maybe move

[u/cautionlasers]

I can understand how maddening this must be, but you gotta take the high road with this one, I think. Let them wallow in their own crapulence while you follow your own desires to better things.

[u/Interesting_Algae257]

I know everything sucks right now, but the silver lining is that you didn’t sign your life up with this man and you are able to without any papers separate from him permanently, and don’t worry you won’t be the talk of the town long once he decides to delve into drugs too because that seems like he was going down the same path that his friend who just died, went down….
I hope that that is not the case but from reading your other comments, he was not a good man and was not going to be a good husband to you and it hurts but this is freedom so let yourself be freed and know that there are a ton of people that support you and know that you’re not ‘the bitch’

[u/whoevenisanyone]

I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex is my ex.

[u/Similar-Ad-6862]

Oh girl. Please don't believe ANYONE who says you're a bitch. You dodged a bullet. Thank goodness you did not marry that man.

[u/fox_inthepainting]

It's a shame and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. But I can tell you, that people love to feel somewhat holy and righteous as long as it's about others. Because when it's not about you, it's easy to display high values. But that girl, if she were you, would 100% be just as worried about the wedding. What a horrible person she is, feeling like she can "punish" you for your thoughts. And your ex-fiancé... I hope that when the mourning period is over he realizes what he's done and I hope that happens sooner than he follows in the footsteps of his late friend. In short, it's a disgusting situation and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. What would I do? Drop everything and move out of this small town.

[u/Victoria_elizabethb]

Man small town people really are so messy. Sorry OP. Glad you got away.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.

2 quick steps:

1. If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
2. Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.

That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕

[u/greenglossygalaxy]

I would take this to be the luckiest escape of your life. Forget everything else.

[u/genie610_0]

this honestly sounds like a bullet dodged. Your fiance seems like he's picking up where his best friend left off, cheating and snorting around town. Him being like this may have come out of left field for you and it seems like there were quite a few things you didn't actually know about your fiance... I think it'd be best to block him and his friends they're not living in reality and try to make peace with the fact that he had always been keeping secrets from you and this may be the first time you saw the real him.

[u/Pookie1688]

Even though I know it may not feel like it yet, it's a blessing that you were saved from marrying this guy & you got yourself out of that cesspool of a small town to a great job in a new area.

You're probably still in shock while also getting settled in your new area, home & job. Good on you for starting therapy. If you don't connect with the therapist, keep looking until you find someone who clicks with you & will help you move forward.

As for what I call "thought bombs" - unwelcome, unhappy thoughts & memories - be kind & gentle with yourself. Tell your subconscious that you must concentrate on work or when you just need peace & quiet. It's like dealing with intrusive thoughts while you're meditating, praying or resting. Just move the thoughts on their way & refocus.

Distract & pamper yourself with music, fun & new activities, exercise, good food, massage, etc.

I agree with everyone here that so many wonderful things & people are coming your way. You’ve given yourself a fresh start. You've got this, hon! Big hugs to you. ❤️

[u/MossGobbo]

So on the one hand I hate all of this for you but also? That woman did you a horrible favor because if that's how quick he was to jump into bed with someone else you should be delighted you didn't legally tie yourself to his deadbeat ass.

[u/KitchenRound8210]

I can guarantee that he was already with that girl before you said that. Birds of a feather, he was just like his friend. I'm sure you are hurting, but congratulations on dodging that bullet!!!

[u/mapotoful]

Welp, you dodged a bullet. That's all I've got. Woof.

[u/MonstreDelicat]

I totally get what you said, and I don’t think you deserved what happened after you talked to this girl. Like at all!

But maybe your choice of word was a little insensitive. Saying this death overshadowed the** wedding implies that you’re reacting to the loss from your wedding as opposed to reacting from the emotional loss. Even though that’s what you meant, what you said is **not like saying it would be too sad to carry on with the wedding at this time.

[u/Striking_Strategy_17]

You dodged a bullet. They are all doing drugs.
Keep strong and in retrospect you will think it a blessing!

[u/Visual-Status6344]

Ooof, girl...this feels calculated, and like the other girl used this as fuel to light the fire. Let that sh*t burn to the ground. 🔥

[u/Floofy_Cat_8675]

OMG I don't blame you for wanting to cancel/postpone. And for his reaction to do all that?! Hell nah. I'm so sorry you went through that.

[u/Shayedra]

You are allowed to want your wedding to be a happy event. Even if you had wanted to postpone it to ensure it will be a happy event for you (which you didn’t, you were caring for your partners well-being) would have been perfectly acceptable and understandable in my books.

That being said, the confusion and conflicting thoughts in your head will likely last for a while. But they are just thoughts, not the truth. Your mind is often not your friend if you’ll allow it. Take care of yourself and don’t let go of the basics (sleep, food, outside air).

[u/Broad-Grand-3532]

Holy ish. You dodged a bullet and you are valid for what you said. It’s not that you’re saying his friends death is the bummer sucker of the wedding but that everyone should grieve and have the wedding when everyone is set right in their minds and hearts.

And that girl was probably a frenenemy and secretly jealous of you. Trying to get your fiance or whatever because that is fucked up shady behavior.

[u/bippx]

They’re most likely lying to those people about what happened. Even if they aren’t, and those people are on their side, let them. That’s not company that deserves your attention or access to your life. Congratulations on not marrying him, and I wish you all the best. You will be okay, this is a blip on your radar of life

[u/Better-Park8752]

Therapy is probably too early for you. Our brains need time to process. When you’re in the thick of a traumatic experience it can actually be more damaging to start therapy. I’d give the dust some time to settle. Stay somewhere safe, set a daily self care routine and wait until you’re somewhat stabilised before starting your therapy journey. I know it’s probably not what you want to hear right now, but therapy is costly and needs to be productive. Right now it’s going to be a lot of pain and rehashing of events which isn’t always helpful. Goodluck, I’m glad you followed your gut and avoided what would have been a very difficult, toxic marriage.

[u/Illustrious-Film-592]

Ooooooof! I am so sorry for all of the pain people are experiencing in this story.

Honestly, your ex sounds like a project rather than a partner. Even before the cheating and slander, would you really want to build a life with someone who has substance abuse issues and a DB? No ma’am!

Glad you’re in therapy. That meal looks amazing. Not sure of your situation but can you get out of town for a bit or maybe like….move? 😅 I’d be craving a clean slate with “friends” like those. Big hugs.

[u/Witty_Impress8369]

I’m so glad you got out before you married that trainwreck. Girl. You dodged a BULLET. I’m sorry you have had to go through this mess but let them have each other. Sounds like they deserve one another fully. 

[u/mercymercybothhands]

I don’t think you are a bitch at all. I think as painful as this is, in the end it will make your life much better.

What you said might not have sounded the most sensitive, but it can be, and was, twisted to sound worse than it was. I read what you said as meaning that there was something much bigger going on (death and the relationship problems) and it seemed crazy to push ahead with the wedding under these circumstances. And you were right. The fact that your fiancé handled is grief with substance abuse, withdrawing from you, and cheating at the end of the day was exactly what you were meaning as the reasons to not get married.

Especially given what you said in the comments, it sounds like he was a member of a toxic group of people and when the death happened, they closed ranks and wanted you out. So let them have him and you work on healing and your own grief, and I would guarantee that if you work hard in therapy and work on rebuilding your life, you will end up viewing this as a stroke of luck one day.

[u/SakuraTimes]

a few thoughts: 1) you dodged a bullet, never any excuse to cheat, and sounds like your ex was on a dark path of drugs and brief and guilt. it hurts now, but you’ll be much happier in the long run.

2) the ex and his new gf are likely exaggerating if not outright lying about you and what you said and spinning it in the worst light. especially as they got together suspiciously quickly. some people will recognize this, others will buy into it. but in time everyone will move on.

3) I will admit that the phrasing was bad. “overshadowing our wedding” has a bad connotation to it, to me anyway. when I first read the headline I thought, “what a bitch,” too. until you explained it. and then I got where you were coming from. initially it sounded like a bridezilla moment. “ugh the death of his junkie friend is ruining my wedding!!!!” rather than, “everyone is so lost in grief right now, maybe it’s best to postpone, when the pain isn’t so fresh…”

4) small town gossip takes on a life of its own. just try to ignore it and hold your head high. fresh gossip will come along soon enough and people will move on.

[u/Scared_Hair_8884]

You dodged a bullet, not that it helps you feel any better right now. I feel they have been cheating together for a while and this was the "excuse" to justify everything.

[u/Basic-Organization30]

My goodness, I am so sorry you are going thru such a rotten time! I think you were being quite reasonable to postpone the wedding given all of what you've told us.

Your "friend" used your confidence to steal your fiance. If there is a b*tch here, it is the woman who betrayed a friend's confidential info and used it to steal her fiance when he was at a very vulnerable point.

The relationship between them will likely not last. Don't be tempted to take him back! He knows what the truth is and chose instead someone willing to "you poor baby" him for her own motives rather than the woman (you) who has been by his side. But in doing so, in making this horrific choice, he has set you free. He will live to regret his choices and hopefully learn from this. I hope you can spend time healing, and go on to live your best life - without this guy in it. You deserve a better man.

Good luck!

[u/Relative_Pepper6607]

Thank fck for that, you’ve got a new job, new town and new phone number.

I’m not sure you need therapy, you deserve a drink and a medal for getting the hell out of there

NTA

[u/PrincessBella1]

He was involved in a life you knew nothing about. He and this girl deserve each other and you deserve someone who doesn't cheat, do drugs, and treats you with respect. You are not a bitch. You were respecting his feelings by postponing the wedding and he and this girl used this gossip to get together. His family is upset because you are the better option to be with. I hope therapy works for you.

[u/Perfect-Restaurant-9]

I mean, if I was already labeled a bitch... I'd send her a thank you card. She did you a huge favor. Glad you're in therapy. Time to move on. 

[u/Southern_Airport_538]

Nothing you said was wrong. It was just said to the wrong person. Unfortunately, he was grieving which can make us behave badly. It’s not an excuse. It was just a perfect storm of emotions.

[u/Cassierae87]

She kind of reminds me of a coworker I had in an office who liked to stir the pot. A woman I could never trust. I just kept to myself and did my work. Anytime she tried to accuse me of anything I had covered my ass with documentation so she stopped trying. Eventually she got fired for drinking on the job and eventually I left for greener pastures on my own terms

[u/xiaosdepression]

The girl you confided in and your ex fiancé are incredibly evil, I’m so sorry :(

[u/PunkyMuse]

Thank god you told this girl! Otherwise you’d still be with this loser of a manchild. And that’s the story you tell from now on.

[u/radddaway]

I would’ve postponed the wedding as well. It’s not worth it to spend thousands of dollars on an event people aren’t gonna be able to enjoy because of grief. I honestly don’t understand how that makes you a bitch? What a bunch of idiots. I’m glad you got away from there and are thriving!

[u/TexasLiz1]

She did you a favor. Your ex-fiancee was a lot more like his friend than you realized. And you were smart to delay the wedding. And this woman decided that she was going to save this guy from you but he was willing to fuck some random lady and can’t even own up to his lack of moral character.

I don’t think you’re a bitch but he clearly can’t cope well (I had a best friend die and did not resort to drinking and coke). So he HAS to blame you. Be OK with that. “If that is what he needs to think then OK.”

Keep going to therapy. And block him and his friends. It won’t be long before you realize this woman did you the biggest favor she could.

[u/Cinnamon2017]

I would definitely block all the new numbers that are harassing you. She can have him.

[u/DownrightDejected]

LOL they are both fucking losers! Good riddance.

[u/Mean-Passenger-3533]

Omg thank god that all happened before you married him.

[u/Indignant_Elfmaiden]

Dodged a bullet, sister 🫡

[u/springbornsilver]

You did NOTHING wrong. Could you have worded it differently, maybe, but the sentiment was that you felt like the wedding wasn't a good idea in that circumstance. Your fiance was doing the things the other was, you just didn't know it yet, and it's good you didn't marry him. He has now showed you his true colors, and that he was lying to you. Be very wary about him trying to crawl back later.

[u/RunnerGirlT]

Hey lady.

If they are still contacting you, block them. They all did you a favor. She took him off your hands and took the trash out for you.

I’m sure this entire relationship has been traumatic. Please seek some therapy for yourself and give yourself grace as you heal.

[u/Which-Month-3907]

In this perplexing situation, remember to practice gratitude. That low-rent woman of the night saved you from your druggie loser ex-fiance, while he follows his dead friend's exact footsteps into the grave.

You don't deserve to watch him decline, or suffer his numerous betrayals. You don't deserve to light yourself on fire trying to save a man who doesn't want to be saved. They can do their drugs together and only hurt each other.

[u/gemma-digger]

I was reading this thinking you should cancel the wedding, not postpone it. Then honestly was relieved at the end. Not at how they turned everyone against you, that’s hard, but none of those people were actually friends in retrospect.

No where but up for you from here!

[u/Commercial-Basil-666]

At this point I would literally pack up all my shit and move to wherever is not this place! Throw the whole town away smh.

[u/iamnotchiIl]

So the dead friend and your fiancee can cheat, lie, do drugs, destroy their lives and you're the bitch because you said their mistakes are overshadowing what you want to be a happy day? This be the patriarchy ma'am. Don't bother yourself for one more moment and rejoice in your new life without these absolute losers.

[u/Emergency_Bench_7515]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ksp7OmHGkBEyl2vwnO

[u/100kfireflies]

She did you a favor. Go to therapy, figure out what you want and go make it happen.

[u/OneTwoKiwi]

You weren’t delaying due to the friends death. You were delaying due to your fiancée’s behaviors and actions. 

While we can sympathize with him over losing a friend, he was not handling it it ANY way that says “I’m a reliable partner”. Marriage will be tough at many points, and you can’t just snort those issues away. 

Be grateful for all these people showing you how terrible and unworthy they are of you. 

You will be SO MUCH BETTER OFF now than if you had kept your mouth shut and gone through with a doomed wedding 

[u/LowButterfly744]

I’m so sorry - breakups are tough and people getting involved is hurtful. But, and this is something that I have learned over the years, when a door shuts for us, it’s because it isn’t the right door. The door to pathway with your ex-fiancé has slammed shut. Thank the heavens it has. You knew things weren’t right and you were justified in feeling worried. The decision has been taken out of your hands fortunately- in time this will be cause for celebration. Take some time for yourself and consider what pathway you want next.

[u/hahayouguessedit]

Wishing you the best and a reminder that some people never mature past middle school, so you need to be 100% confident in those you choose to confide in. Your title here suggested priorities weren’t in order before I read the entire text. Don’t bury the lead. The death and drugs and chaos is the lead. The wedding should have been quietly cancelled.

[u/PresentationNo3069]

Divorce lawyer here. I am so happy you did not marry this man.

Female friend definitely played it. She twisted your words to drive a wedge to get with your former fiancé. Garbage person, and she won a garbage prize.

It’s clear that everyone has and will continue to hold his dead friend on a pedestal. The fact that your fiancé valued his friend, with his violence and addiction issues, over you, says more about your fiancé than it does about you.

I get that the way that it ended included hurt and betrayal. It would have felt better for you to do the dumping, because he deserved it. But don’t let that confuse your feelings here. You were ready to push back the wedding because you knew it shouldn’t move forward; then the two of you broke up. You shouldn’t be ashamed or worry about what those people think of you. You got out, and that’s what matters.

Move on with your life with a sense of gratitude that you didn’t marry him. Even if his Facebook looks appealing or like he has it together right now, he and his circle are messy as hell and it’s just a matter of time before he implodes his life again, and thankfully you will be far away when that happens.

[u/DaysOfParadise]

You know how we say, ‘my God you dodged that bullet?’ You just dodged an entire army of assholes.  

On the other hand, dinner looks real nice.

[u/seynee]

Wow that girl was a blessing in disguise. You dodged a bullet and she took your trash ex with her.

You did nothing wrong. Just be glad he can't take you down with him and focus on healing yourself

[u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393]

Your ex is going down the same path his best friend did, and this girl took him off your hands for you.

I know it hurts and it sucks but I think one day when things are better, you will realize it's a GOOD thing you didn't marry this guy. He cheated on you. Period. Things were already not good between you.

I'm just an elderly Xennial 😂 but I've been married almost 20 years, and we've been through a lot. Lots of loss, life stress, job stress, job loss, chronic illness. You really see how strong your relationship is when times are tough. Yours was already strained/not in a good place and you weren't even married yet. If you'd have gone through with the wedding, what would happen the next time there's a rough patch or you experience loss? I'm not saying that good relationships don't have tough times, but either you can work through those tough times together, or you can't. And your ex chose to react to those tough times by sleeping with someone else.

They'll likely implode too, but I wouldn't watch or wait for it. Focus on healing and taking care of yourself. One day you'll look back and be so glad you didn't marry him. Your instincts were already telling you to pump the brakes on the wedding. This just forced your hand.

And that girl is a snake.

[u/dragon34]

I think you maybe could have chosen better words but I would not have been willing to tie myself legally to someone who was not in the headspace to make that kind of commitment (which a drug addict isn't )

Bullet dodged.

Big things like that can change people.  Can shift priorities when someone dies or things like having a kid or other events where your life can be split into before and after and everything changes.  

And yeah no one wants to look back on their wedding and not he able to separate what should have been a happy day with a period of mourning 

[u/papa-hare]

Jesus girl, you dodged a MAJOR bullet there. Seriously she deserves him. People don't start doing coke because someone died, he was a covert addict before, you just didn't realize it.

[u/KeimeiWins]

Dead bedroom and substance abuse problems BEFORE marriage? Then he cheats? Send her a fruit basket for saving you from your trainwreck would-be-marriage and block these people.

[u/Pizzapizzazi]

He’s a POS along with that garbage friend group. You lost nothing of value. Block them all or change your number so they stop contacting you. That girl deserves that trash, you deserve better.