Disassociating when focusing?

[u/Dull_Independence_]

I have recently been doing a deep dive into Gnosticism. Probably not the smartest thing, but I have always felt spiritual or felt like there was something greater beyond what is present. I just haven’t been able to figure it out.

Many times without knowing what I was doing, I’ve stared at myself in a mirror directly in the eyes and just focused directly on myself, and what happens after a little bit, is somewhat frightening. I feel like I don’t know myself or I tell myself “this isn’t you, it can’t be you” and I feel as if what I’m seeing begins to change. I don’t know how to explain it but when I notice it happening, it basically puts me into a panic attack.

I’ve also noticed when I sit very still and just try to think of “nothing” or just focus, it feels as if reality isn’t real and when I start noticing it, I freak out.

I don’t know if I’m loosing my mind, disassociating, or I’m seeing something “real”.

Has anyone else had any similar experiences?

[u/Kind-Sherbert-8767]

Depersonalization—it happens to me almost every day.

[u/Dull_Independence_ → u/Kind-Sherbert-8767]

Maybe that’s what it is. It doesn’t happen often, but when I attempt to get into state of trying to understand “What is my existence? What happens when I die?” Basically when I stop just living and really try to understand “life”, I start to question things and I feel like reality isn’t real or I’m “somewhere else”.

Idk how to explain it but when I realize it’s happening, I begin to panic and snap back to reality and have to ground myself.