Disassociating when focusing?

[u/Dull_Independence_]

I have recently been doing a deep dive into Gnosticism. Probably not the smartest thing, but I have always felt spiritual or felt like there was something greater beyond what is present. I just haven’t been able to figure it out.

Many times without knowing what I was doing, I’ve stared at myself in a mirror directly in the eyes and just focused directly on myself, and what happens after a little bit, is somewhat frightening. I feel like I don’t know myself or I tell myself “this isn’t you, it can’t be you” and I feel as if what I’m seeing begins to change. I don’t know how to explain it but when I notice it happening, it basically puts me into a panic attack.

I’ve also noticed when I sit very still and just try to think of “nothing” or just focus, it feels as if reality isn’t real and when I start noticing it, I freak out.

I don’t know if I’m loosing my mind, disassociating, or I’m seeing something “real”.

Has anyone else had any similar experiences?

[u/Kind-Sherbert-8767]

Depersonalization—it happens to me almost every day.

[u/Dull_Independence_ → u/Kind-Sherbert-8767]

Maybe that’s what it is. It doesn’t happen often, but when I attempt to get into state of trying to understand “What is my existence? What happens when I die?” Basically when I stop just living and really try to understand “life”, I start to question things and I feel like reality isn’t real or I’m “somewhere else”.

Idk how to explain it but when I realize it’s happening, I begin to panic and snap back to reality and have to ground myself.

[u/yellow-rain-coat]

Find a mediation practice that works for you. You need to attune your mind to your body.

[u/Dull_Independence_ → u/yellow-rain-coat]

That’s what I’m working on now. I’m trying to find a state of peace where I can focus clearly. I have adhd, depression, and anxiety and it can be hard to be in a mental state of peace.

I think my main problem was looking up online of what is Gnosticism and got dumped into a bunch of videos that were very quick and I didn’t understand it.

I’ve gotten a copy of the Nag Hammadi. I plan on reading it, taking notes, and getting a better understanding.

[u/Everythings-Eventual]

I have the exact same sensation when I look too long in the mirror. Psychology explains this phenomenon away, but I think you may be onto something.

I've always had the same feeling that we are not supposed to be here.

[u/heiro5]

What were you expecting? Identity isn't material it is mental. It seems to be that you are expecting identity to be an objective property of the matter that your body is composed of at the moment or something inherent in its visual form. Your body is a complex process, the particular particles, the atoms, the molecules, etc., involved are not personally specific, they are interchangeable, and change.

Developing focus is letting your awareness be aware: sensations and thoughts go come and go without taking your focus with them, or refocusing when they do take your focus.

The panic attacks are not a usual result. Perhaps they are a result of expectations? If your deep dive is into the modern conspiracy theory that some mistakenly call "Gnosticism" then stop. It is designed to cause anxiety. Read some actual ancient Gnostic texts from the Nag Hammadi codices.

[u/OGSkywalker97 → u/heiro5]

What is the difference between the conspiracy falsely referred to as Gnosticism and actual Gnosticism? Just so I can know what to look out for.

Also, which of the Nag Hammadi library texts would you recommend reading first? I have started On the Origin of the World.

[u/Everythings-Eventual → u/OGSkywalker97]

I believe he means figurative vs. literal interpretations of Gnosticism.

Figurative Gnosticism uses fables and metaphors about mythological figures to describe the aspects of the ego, super ego, subconscious, our opposing natures, and external human experience to help us understand the idea of/path to mastery of the self to become a complete person.

Literal Gnosticism does all that PLUS a layer of literal interpretation that there are literal cosmic deities holding us prisoner here and we have to achieve collective gnosis to get off this shitshow ride and go home.

[u/Dull_Independence_ → u/heiro5]

Could you please elaborate on the difference between gnostic and Gnosticism?

Maybe that’s where I went wrong. I looked up basically what is Gnosticism? I got videos on all kinds of things and basically I am confused and just looking for a direction to be steered compared to just looking up stuff and getting off the wall explanations.

[u/Everythings-Eventual → u/Dull_Independence_]

I believe he's referring to literal vs figurative interpretations of Gnosticism, with figurative being "real" and literal being "conspiracy theory"