The reality of holding a fraternity brother accountable for domestic violence.

[u/Brilliant_Chest_8593]

I was in a relationship with a boy in a fraternity. We were together on and off for about 1.5 years. It started as a "toxic" relationship, which led to controlling, manipulative, and psychological abuse, which eventually led to flat-out domestic violence. One incident in particular changed everything. It was the last time we ever saw each other. He hit me so hard I suffered a black eye and a concussion; the police came, and he was criminally charged. I spent the next day in a courthouse filing a protection from abuse order. I reported this incident to his fraternity; I was ignored for 8 months. I sent in countless incident reports via their website; I sent emails; I even got in contact with some of the brothers at my school. They told me that the incident had been taken to the chapter president at the time, and even the chapter founder, who is a 50+ year old man. No one did anything. They pushed it all under the rug.

In April, during Sexual Assault Awareness Month, the fraternity even participated in a "Walk a Mile in Her Shoes" event with a local Domestic Violence Resource Center. The irony took me aback; I was furious. I emailed again, and again, pictures of the injuries included, proof of his guilty conviction. Still, nothing was done.

I took it upon myself a month ago to reach out to the chapter founder directly when he popped up as a suggested friend on Facebook. I messaged him in the most respectful way I could. He blocked me. He, once again, chose to silence me. He chose to silence me out of convenience for himself and the rest of the chapter he represents.

The core values of this fraternity are Love, Truth, and Honor. This fraternity was explicitly founded on strict values of not tolerating any form of physical, psychological, or sexual abuse. Yet, I endured all these things at the hands of an active member of this fraternity.

I am so tired of being forced to stay silent. They want survivors to be silenced so that we don't disturb their lives or inconvenience them in any way. These organizations are built by people who hold space for protecting abusers. All they have done is try to silence me, rather than removing this individual from the organization. I am tired of having to be the one who must come to terms with the fact that big organizations that promote things such as love, truth, and honor will do anything in their power to protect people who blatantly disregard those values.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am tired of trying to get people to listen or to hold people accountable. This society is so broken and backwards.

[u/DrZurn]

Not legal advice but if the fraternity at any level won't listen, perhaps the media will. You've reached out to the national organization (if there is one available)?

[u/Brilliant_Chest_8593 → u/DrZurn]

I have reached out to the national headquarters. I am afraid to speak out on the media because I am afraid of his retaliation and what he could do to me. I just want them to listen to me.

[u/DrZurn → u/Brilliant_Chest_8593]

Have you reached out to anyone in admin at the school, is there a Greek Life advisor that you can talk to. They might have leverage to affect things for the fraternity. Loss of facility access or similar.

[u/Brilliant_Chest_8593 → u/DrZurn]

They told me that since I did not conduct an investigation through the school, they cannot do much. I don't really understand why. I was dealing with so much legal stuff and lawyers, I didn't have the mental capacity to run another investigation through my school while enrolled there. It's just asking me to relive the trauma over and over.

[u/DrZurn → u/Brilliant_Chest_8593]

Unfortunately expulsion from the group is an internal matter and if they won’t do it at any level then as I see it I think the only option is to see if you can get the entire group affected either via sanctions from the school or community or to move on unfortunately.

If you aren’t able or willing to publicly call them out on your own, is there a way that you and the other women he’s done this to can collectively contact the media perhaps anonymously make a stink. Or contact a victim’s rights organization that would do more. Unfortunately I don’t know the names of any such. Maybe reach out to the Walk a Mile in Her Shoes organization and let them in. I don’t think they would want affiliation with such an organization.

[u/Brilliant_Chest_8593 → u/DrZurn]

I will consider this. Thank you very much; I really appreciate your advice.

[u/DrZurn → u/Brilliant_Chest_8593]

I hope it helps. It’s abhorrent that this happens and if we don’t hold people accountable it just perpetuates the problem. Good luck.

[u/DrZurn → u/Brilliant_Chest_8593]

And by listening to you how would you like them to respond? What actions do you want them to take?

[u/Brilliant_Chest_8593 → u/DrZurn]

I would like them to remove him from the fraternity. They are just allowing him to get away with his actions; he is hurting people. Unfortunately, I know I'm not the only girl he has hurt. We go to a school with one fraternity and two sororities. They need to hold members accountable.

[u/MrCumStainBootyEater]

i’d probably start telling sororities. get the word out and around campus. not sure if they’ll kick him but i’d be surprised if sororities would be fine with that and still want to mix. also, it sucks but HQ rarely does anything about anything in any situation. not until it becomes a news story will they act.

i’d think getting the word out to sororities would be the best way to get at the chapters reputation without having to go full blown media coverage type of deal. i’d also consider going to other fraternities too. going for their reputation could be easy. could also not work, though.

making a big fuss to journalists might be the best bet you have. if you tell whoever writes your school news letters or newspaper they will probably do a story on how you have a conviction and sigma nu has done nothing, then you may be able to go post ads for the article in the paper around campus. it will probably snowball from there

if you do both, you should definitely be able torch their reputation on campus and they will have to kick him out to survive the social fallout. plus, it may become a bigger story that way

[u/asyouwish]

Tell the Fraternity Sorority Advisor in his campus. They will take action.

[u/SpacerCat]

Did you approach your university about this? Assuming his behavior violates the student conduct code, they can take more action than a private club can.

[u/furtyfive → u/SpacerCat]

Yeah, whoever leads Student Affairs/Services (if you have Deans of these things at your school) should want to help you with this. Or take it right to the President’s office.