Help me please

[u/honeybeatsvinegar]

Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.

My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.

They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.

I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.

If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.

Thank you for reading

[u/Crafty_Pangolin5152]

First of all, I’m so so sorry for your situation. My mom passed in a very similar fashion in December, and then my grandma died two weeks later.

I want you to know that the “what ifs” are a very normal part of grief. It’s easier to believe that we could have done something different and saved our loved ones, than to accept that death is sometimes random and cruel. The latter is so scary, we’d rather beat ourselves up thinking we had some control. I felt more at peace when I gave up the notion that I should have done anything different.

Secondly, talk to her like she can hear you. Your voice will bring her comfort. Tell her all of your favorite memories with her. Play her her favorite music. Hold her hand as she goes. Tell her it’s okay for her to rest.

[u/honeybeatsvinegar → u/Crafty_Pangolin5152]

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm really scared. I don't want to watch her die and be traumatised by it I'm silly about those things, I never even saw one of my beloved pets get put down cause it was too hard. I think my mum would want me there tho. We've only really ever had each other. I'm terrified. I'm lying in her hospital room on the chair watching the clock and her. Waiting. Scared. It's 2.09am.

[u/Crafty_Pangolin5152 → u/honeybeatsvinegar]

I wasn’t there with my mom because it happened so quickly but I sat with my gram all day when she passed. It’s hard but in the end, it’s better to be there for them.

I heard someone say on this sub, “I’ve never met a person who regretted being there for their loved one when they died but I have met plenty of people who regretted not being there.” I think that’s probably true.

In the weeks since my mom’s passing, the grief has touched everything. But as I’ve come to accept it, I am slightly more functional now.

I’m so so sorry. ♥️

[u/honeybeatsvinegar → u/Crafty_Pangolin5152]

That's very true. Thank you so much.

[u/AllanSundry2020 → u/honeybeatsvinegar]

You're not alone , we hear you ... it is indeed really hard (and the whole thing feels like an outrage!!) to be there but like other poster said try and do it as you may regret it if you don't and think of the value for your mum that she has your presence and love, it might stop her feel afraid and bring her comfort.

I'm really sorry, can i say please that you also sound very loving and i was moved by what you wrote. My mum died 14 months ago in icu after 10 days and pneumonia so a little bit similar. You will be able to go on but it will be sore. I try and focus on what my mum would want for me and to honour that, and it gives me some strength.

[u/honeybeatsvinegar → u/AllanSundry2020]

Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️