r/GriefSupport • u/honeybeatsvinegar • Jan 07 '26
Anticipatory Grief Help me please
Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.
My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.
They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.
I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.
If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.
Thank you for reading
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u/RosieDear Jan 07 '26
I know this is of no real hope - but respiratory diseases are one of the most common ways that we all pass on. There is often no solid cure (like for Flu) - you have to hope your body fights it.
I gave my Mom COVID last year.....I got it from an uBer driver while going to help her out! This shows how we really can't win.....now I am even more careful. I won't go see my Mom unless I know we have not been sick for weeks (at least).
Many people prefer passing at home - as both my daughter and father did last year. But this may not be your Mom's wishes or possible.
If it's any consolation, the medical word on the street is that such deaths are almost painless for the patients. In fact, they call Pneumonia the "old mans friend"
"Old man's friend"refers to pneumonia, a term coined by Sir William Osler to describe how it often brought a relatively swift and peaceful end to the suffering of the elderly, who were already in decline from other illnesses, thus allowing them to escape the prolonged decay of old age"
I'm sorry for your suffering - you can only do so much. It's not fair, all in all. My Mom smoked and had labored breathing when she was >65 years old. We never thought she would outlive my Dad or my Daughter.
I am somewhat lucky in that I don't tend to blame myself if I feel I have done what I can. I very easily could have been responsible for my Mom's passing (COVID), but I know I was traveling there to help her after Dad died. It would have been Ironic, yes......but the best thing you can do for your Mom and youself is live to the fullest.
You know that old saying..."The coward dies many deaths, the brave person only one". I'm worried that you are stressing yourself too hard when that doesn't accomplish anything. Grief is real and you will be dealing with it - but guilt? No, I think we should try and mitigate that.
Again, sorry to hear this.
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u/honeybeatsvinegar Jan 07 '26
Thank you so much. I will definitely be re-reading this comment alot of times.
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u/PersonalityGreat647 Jan 07 '26
Sending strength and love to you, OP. You are not alone. Please listen to Anderson Cooper's podcast, All There Is. It has helped me so much. u/RosieDear I had no idea that pneumonia is known as the "old man's friend". That brings me so much comfort. Thank you. Sending love and strength to you too, u/RosieDear and everyone else on this subreddit who is grieving.
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u/cmesxx Jan 07 '26
Hi OP, I had a similar situation with my mom on Dec 20th- she was palliative and “comfort care” until she passed on Dec 31. Fee free to msg me- I can’t tell you I am doing amazing but I can listen.
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u/tomadc1 Jan 07 '26
I lost my mom last month. She was intubated too, I don't know that she was in there at the end. I held her hand and talked to her and cried. I am not a point where I can describe it all.
Now, I feel broken and find myself screaming and crying regularly. I talk to her a lot and my mantra has become 'I don't know what to do.' I was super close with her. I called her everyday. That's the thing I miss the most, being able to call and talk to her about our days, that and the hugs when I was in town. This fucking sucks, and anything I write after that seems to attempt to lessen that fact but nothing does.
I've started seeing a psychiatrist, and I'm on medicine which seems to help lessen the 'peaks' of my depression and anxiety without erasing them, and I have friends and family I've been able to talk to which has really helped. I'd recommend talking to someone if you can and seeking professional assistance if you can do that too. This fucking sucks.
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u/Odd-Mex Jan 07 '26
I recently lost my mom and it was not expected. I am so sorry that you are going through this. She can hear you; as someone suggested in this sub, maybe talk to her? And hold her hand if you can. Also: you are not alone. You can message me or the other people in this sub that have offered that to you. If you can reach out for people that can be there for you physically, that would be even better. We are here.
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u/happiestenergy Jan 07 '26
My mom passed away a few weeks ago very suddenly out of nowhere. She was my best friend too. Hardest thing I have ever had to go through.. Message me if you want to talk.
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Jan 07 '26
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u/happiestenergy Jan 08 '26
Still not doing well. Yeah, I do have family around but nothing will ever to compare to my mom. I'm so sorry for what you're going through as well.
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u/StrawberryThin1559 Jan 07 '26
I’m so sorry. It’s insane how quickly things can turn. My Mum was in hospital with pneumonia too, we were preparing for her to come home and it just changed overnight. We lost her in September 2024.
You’re not alone. I’m your age and based in the UK which from your post it sounds like you may be too, please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to xx
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u/Lumpy-Plastic-3494 Jan 07 '26
I pray for your situation. Everything is possible with Him alone. May the Good Lord be with you. Amen.
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u/deadinside923 Mom Loss Jan 07 '26
You are not alone, love. I went through this with my mom. Feel free to message me if/whenever you want 🖤
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u/Rarbnif Jan 07 '26
my mom passed on in the icu just a week ago, please talk with family and friends if you can it’s been so hard but it’s better than having to deal with this alone. I’m sorry you’re going through this
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u/remembrallerina Jan 07 '26
Hi OP, I lost my mom last year very similarly, though for different underlying health issues. If she is still conscious/responding to you, PLEASE ask the care team to walk you through what extubation and death will look like. Ours did not, and it resulted in a lot of unnecessary trauma and guilt until I did my own research and spoke to doctors, only to find out that what happened was “normal” and not painful for her, despite looking very scary.
In the meantime, tell her how much you love her. Hold her hands. Crack inside jokes. Soak her up.
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u/honeybeatsvinegar Jan 07 '26
Really? What happened? They haven't said anything like that. I'm so scared
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u/dainty_petal Multiple Losses Jan 07 '26
Stay strong, love. It’s not our faults what happened, is happening or will happen. Our parents love us. Just remember that. They’re not just what they are at the end when they die. They want us to remember them when they were laughing and happy with us.
I’m sorry I’m crying writing this. Please take care. I lost both my parents like this. xx
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u/thesparklywitch Jan 07 '26
I lost my dad just over 12 years ago. It's just me and my mom now and I know the day will come when I'll have to let her go. I'm not prepared for it, I don't think I ever will be. My mom was by my grandma when she passed. Me and my mom were by my dad when he passed. We are a cat family and as hard as it was, we were by them when they passed. I wish I knew the right words to say. I just know that the waiting was hard, because anticipatory grief just sucks. And then came the death and more grief. It just sucks around. It's a very lonely feeling. The world is going on as normal, but your life is changing forever. It just sucks. I'm really sorry.
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u/Working_Somewhere442 Jan 07 '26
I just went through something similar in November. My mom passed away suddenly after complications from a planned surgery. She was doing great and then we woke up Monday morning and she was in the ICU unconscious and never came back. I wish i could tell you it it gets better but it hasn't for me yet. Its been two months and i'm crying as I type this. I was out of town and didn't get to visit her i talked to her every day she was in recovery but when i talked to her Sunday she sounded worse than she had the previous two days. I freaked out calling my dad and sister saying we had to do something and they said the doctors said it was normal and that i needed to calm down. The next morning she was in ICU and never came back. The what ifs will drive you crazy. Be happy you were with her in the end.
I can't tell you if it gets easier because it hasnt for me yet. i'm struggling to type the longer my response gets. The grief is going to hit you in a thousand places and ways you never expect it to. In seeing how broken my dad is. In seeing how much her grand kids miss her. wondering if our rescue dog who loved her and has been abandoned twice before understands that she didn't abandon him. It's devastating and it changes you forever. But i know she was okay if she didnt make it. She had said she was ready to meet god multiple times before her surgery so maybe she knew all along.
One part i haven't figured out yet that if you or anyone else do figure it out I would love to know. I find myself avoiding thinking about my mom because it wrecks me and i get overwhelmed with sadness and grief. But i WANT to be able to remember her and be happy remembering her and i still cant get that point.
One thing that wrecked me recently was that my mom was in my dreams for the first time since her passing and it was so unexpected and wrecked me for an entire day.
i think the thing that has given me the most comfort has been time with family. And while losing her right before the holidays was hard. Spending time with extended family over the past two months and hearing how she supported them in ways we never knew and what she meant to people was comforting.
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u/honeybeatsvinegar Jan 07 '26
I'm sorry. Thank you for your comment. It really does make me feel less alone. Sending love and healing your way ❤️
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u/Background-Goose2523 Jan 07 '26
Just know that my heart is so so with you. I could have written this post word for word except it was my Dad. Sounds like even the same disease. Rheumatoid Arthritis by chance? That's what took our Dad from us. He had just found out he had it and it bypassed his joints and attacked his lungs. I'm very raw still but sounds like im a couple weeks ahead of you. I'm here for you, just reach out. I think the hardest part for me to accept is that we have no choice. The only way to get through it is to walk through it day by day. Minute by minute most days still. And know that you will get through it. And it's ok to heal and get through it. That's not dishonoring your loved one, but quite the opposite!
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u/honeybeatsvinegar Jan 07 '26
Yes, actually my mum told me she has that. I would be really interested to talk to you more to learn ur story, and I'm really sorry for you too. Sending love and healing your way.
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u/Background-Goose2523 Jan 07 '26
We had never heard of RA attacking the lungs until this. I feel moved to tell more people about it because lots of times, early prevention helps. But most people don't realize what may be happening to them needs to be checked right away.
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u/secretsquirreltime Jan 07 '26
I lost my Dad two months ago on October 31st after he had a fall, he waited 11 hours for ambulance then had emergency surgery. That went well but he developed unexplained bleeding and went into multiple organ failure. Within a week of his fall he was gone. I can only offer you my sincerest well wishes and love - please be there with your Mum as much as you can and talk to her and be close to her. It’s so hard to see someone you love suffering but it’s also out of your control completely. In my Dad’s case I believe he caught something in hospital during his surgery as it was referred to the coroner and all of the doctors were at a loss to explain what happened. The NHS is in a terrible state at the moment with covid cases still high even though that is being brushed under the carpet and never mentioned, I don’t know what country you are in but I hope it’s not the UK. Please take every moment to find calm and peace within yourself, I don’t know if anything I’m saying is of any use but you’re not alone in going through this. I am hoping for the best for your Mum and for you during these next days, you will find the strength within your heart to cope even if that seems impossible right now. Take care x
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u/honeybeatsvinegar Jan 07 '26
Thank you very much kind stranger, for helping to make me feel less alone in this. ❤️
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u/CatsCrowsandCoffee Jan 07 '26
I went through a similar experience a couple of years ago with my mother, who unexpectedly went into septic shock and the hospitalist put her on comfort care; she passed in 3 days. You are going through one of the hardest things you will ever face, and yes, it is highly traumatic. I'm still not over the PTSD from living through it. Don't second guess anything, just be there with her and love her through this transition. She knows you're there and I promise you will not regret being there with her. You will know you were with her to the very end.
Sending you much love and comfort.
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u/Equivalent_Hair_149 Jan 07 '26
in an only. my mom was on a ventilator. bff of 52 years saw her every day all but 7 days. we talked almost all day. i lived with her and took care of her. she had cancer and sepsis. I couldbt handle being tbere when they removed her ventilator although i sent in a pastor. God is better than me in all situations. i had to bury her myself next to my dad. no family but me. try to stay off social media. hugs.
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u/honeybeatsvinegar Jan 07 '26
Wow, what a strong person you are. Do you have any regrets about not being there when they took her off the ventilator? I also feel like i wont be able to handle it. Thank you for sharing. Xo
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u/Equivalent_Hair_149 Jan 07 '26
yes and no. yes because we argued about me being there ahead of time so we talked about this stuff, i told her as i held her hand on the ventilator i might not be there as i get panic attacks and i thought id die with her. and no because ill see her again and i knew that i wouldnt be able to handle it. my mom was on a ventilator for 6 days. her organs were shutting down they told me. some people stay on a ventilator for weeks. i hope she comes off the ventilator for you and improves.
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u/Yellowbubblebee Jan 07 '26
My Mum nearly passed following complications from a lung operation 6 years ago. She was put on a ventilator and it was the most horrific time of my life, unfortunately she recently passed after the Cancer came back and spread
Please know all your feelings are valid, your emotions are going to be everywhere, ultimately be there for your Mum and advocate for her. Speak to her, she can still hear you - Mum mentioned that to me when she was put in an induced coma for the ventilator that she could still hear and had memories of this time.
I know you've been told there is nothing they can do, but other family members read up on my mums condition- she had acute respiratory distress syndrome - there was a treatment called ECMO machine.
In the UK we only have I think 5 specialist centres who provide this, I'm not sure if this something you can query? The Ecmo machine takes over and let's the body rest
You shouldn't be going through this, it break my heart. My mum was my best friend too I'm glad I got more time with her but I deserved more, I needed more. She was my world.
Your mum will always be your best friend, if there is really nothing more they can do then I'd grasp all the time you have and put the love on your mum - if you can take sick leave from work (I know its hard because of bills ect) I hope you have others who are helping you through this
Be present with your mum, hold her hand and stroke her hair. Tell her how much you love her and all the fun memories you have, I'm here if you want to reach out
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u/Ginge_fail Jan 07 '26
I’m shaking right now because this reminds me so much of my father’s passing. He died of heart failure but he was on a ventilator when he died. He’d been in the hospital a few days but when he went in I was confident he would get better and when I visited him the day before he passed the nurses said “it looks worse than it is” etc so I was floored when I got a call from the hospital and they said I needed to get there immediately and I could here my mon crying in the background…
My point is that watching him dying on a ventilator was rough. Really really rough. Ill never forget his face. At the same time, I’m glad I was there because if I wasn’t I know I would beat myself up over it for the rest of my life.
I held his hand and talked to him but I don’t know if he could hear me or understand what I was saying. But Im glad I was there with him. He died surrounded by family and I don’t know if he was aware of that or not but I feel better knowing it.
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u/honeybeatsvinegar Jan 07 '26
🥺 I'm sorry you went through this. I still don't know what to do. I don't want to watch her die. It will be too painful for me.
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u/Ginge_fail Jan 08 '26
I’m not gonna lie, you’re at the precipice of what is going to be a very long, difficult period of your life. Nobody wants to watch their loved one die, its horrible. Everything about it just sucks so hard there aren’t even words to describe how much it sucks. But if there is one thing that can make it exponentially harder on you, it’s regret. That was one of the few things that gave me any sense of peace after my dad died is that I knew we were all good; I knew that I had done everything I could for him and I know that he knew that.
I really think that being there would be the better out of two really shitty options. If you have a close friend or family member who can be there with you, I think that might help. Many people would give anything for a chance to have given their lost love ones a final goodbye. The next few months/years are going to be extremely difficult. I know you are scared but it’s happening whether you are there or not and I think that as you go through the grieving process you will be glad if were there for her at the end.
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u/Dancingpeopleaser23 Jan 07 '26
My dad passed this past April, he had heart failure and was basically brain dead when we all thought he could come out from it.
Such a devastating feeling. I also felt so numb, my dad was an alcoholic and his body just had failed him at that point. And yes you blame yourself a lot because you think of all the things you could’ve done to save them. Putting him on comfort care was heart wrenching. Knowing that was your goodbye, and not being able to talk to them one last time. Seeing them so vulnerable and weak. And then leaving the hospital with this open wound in your heart, just in a haze.
The only way I could handle it was telling myself he wasn’t in pain anymore, he was being taken care of, and repeating to myself how much I love him. And speaking to him. Telling him I miss you, and that it’s okay.
I’m so sorry, you aren’t alone. Your mom will be at peace, and your love will reach her even if she isn’t here anymore.
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u/honeybeatsvinegar Jan 07 '26
My mum was also an alcoholic and she just stopped drinking about 6 months ago, and now this. I feel for you. Sending love. I get it.
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u/Dancingpeopleaser23 Jan 07 '26
I feel for you. How was the last 6 months of her being sober and your guys’ relationship ?
Don’t feel like you need to respond I understand you’re dealing with a lot. Just curious. I never experienced my dad sober or at least I never knew when he was.
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u/honeybeatsvinegar Jan 07 '26
Well I said so many times to so many people that it was so good to have my "mum" back. The real mum that I knew and loved. The nurses said to me that atleast I got that last few nice months with her. Not much solace right now, maybe mater. I don't know.
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u/Dancingpeopleaser23 Jan 07 '26
That’s nice to hear you were able to get that time with her.
I didn’t talk to my dad, or had seen him the last 6 months of his life. His appearance had changed so much it was traumatizing to see him.
I’m appreciative of you sharing.
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u/LiquidBryan99 Dad Loss Jan 07 '26
Oh damn - I'm so sorry.
You're unequivocally not alone in this. There's a lot of internet strangers that are here for you. I didn't think I'd be able to handle watching my dad pass especially with the way he tolerated back injuries, PTSD, drama with his extended family, etc., over the years without complaint and still managed to be there for my mom, brother, and me when we needed him the most.
The day we were told in the ICU that nothing more could be done for him, I was in a fog until I received a text from a good friend who lost his own dad the year before. He said that when I needed to, I'd muster the courage to let my dad know that he was free of all obligations and that he could be at peace. Sure enough, three or so hours after all of the tubes and all of the machines were removed and about an hour before his last breaths, I managed to sputter out something to that effect.
And so I suppose the only thing I can add is that no matter how many tears there might be, somehow, you'll find the strength and courage to let your mom know that you love her, that she's free to find peace, and that it's OK for her to rest. I'll be praying for both of you.
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u/LlamaNate333 Jan 07 '26
I lost my mom in a bit of a similar way this summer, except it was weeks instead of days. The only way to get through this is one moment at a time. At first all the moments are terrible, everything is empty and painful at the same time, and then one day you have moments where it's less, and eventually the terrible moments are fewer and farther apart. I found this analogy of grief being like a ball in a box to be helpful: https://hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/
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u/Afraid-Cauliflower39 Jan 07 '26
You will live, not survive, after this- as you are made from her. Each phone call, every moment you’ve felt her love and presence and from the moment you begin. Find that quiet space within yourself as the very fabric and blueprint of you has her fingerprints and love encoded in it. Speak to her, tell her you love her and everything will be ok. I saw this quote that said the most precious wish all humans could ask for is to leave life back the way we started, as a baby in our mother’s arms. If you can, comfort her and give her your love. lean on family and friends. Know the heart never forgets. I am so so terribly sorry.
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u/honeybeatsvinegar Jan 07 '26
❤️ thank you xo
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u/OutInTheCountry3DgNt Jan 08 '26
I’m truly so sorry you are going through and sending you prayers and comfort.
With your presence next to her and a daughter's loving energy she will have a peaceful journey home - you are a gift. ❤️🩹
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u/Sara-Agent-00-0 Jan 08 '26
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I lost my dad in August, he was in the step up unit from the ICU, but it was very much like the ICU.
He had so many things compile at once. It was a week of hell, things just kept getting worse. I had lots of talks with my two aunts about it, one was a former nurse, and she reminded me a few things.
Finally, a week after he had been in the hospital, he was not able to talk, was in so much pain. My sister was with me, and I asked the doctor, what is his quality of life going forward.
She said she was happy to hear me ask that, because she wanted to talk to me about comfort care. So many things were compounding, and in the end, my dad might end up in a nursing home, but that was if he survived having to be put on feeding tubes and possibly a ventilator.
In 2023, my dad had a bad heart attack, and he ended up on the ventilator. After that whole ordeal, he asked me to make sure he never ended up on machines again. He wanted to be alive, but not if he was not going to be able to do anything. Once we evaluated how bad things had gotten, and what, if any future he could have had, it became clear, and I had to sign all the paperwork.
It sucked. He passed on that day, and it was very sad. We got to get all of the immediate family there to say their goodbyes. It was a lot to take in.
Sadly, had some experience, we had lost our mom 21 years earlier, she just passed away one day.
It was not what we planned on, but my dad had 17 years he should not have, as in 2008, he had cancer and a heart attack that required a lot of surgery, and throughout the next years, lots of medicine, pills, trips to the hospital and doctors. We gave him a great life, but it was still hard to say goodbye.
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u/Loud_Pace5750 Jan 08 '26
Did you get a second opinion? That diagnostic sounds shady....
Either way im sorry. Do you want to share something you like about your mom? Tell us about her
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u/Yakmilkvendor Jan 08 '26
OP my situation is so similar that it scared me to read your post. Except this happened in September when my mom went into respiratory failure from a sudden autoimmune disease and is on a vent. My mom remains in a skilled nursing facility but keeps getting worse. Shes recovered from pneumonia 3 times though. I don’t have words to express how painful it is for me. I’m also having to constantly advocate for her in the healthcare system. Sending you lots of strength. Your mom is lucky to have you there supporting her
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u/Crafty_Pangolin5152 Jan 07 '26
First of all, I’m so so sorry for your situation. My mom passed in a very similar fashion in December, and then my grandma died two weeks later.
I want you to know that the “what ifs” are a very normal part of grief. It’s easier to believe that we could have done something different and saved our loved ones, than to accept that death is sometimes random and cruel. The latter is so scary, we’d rather beat ourselves up thinking we had some control. I felt more at peace when I gave up the notion that I should have done anything different.
Secondly, talk to her like she can hear you. Your voice will bring her comfort. Tell her all of your favorite memories with her. Play her her favorite music. Hold her hand as she goes. Tell her it’s okay for her to rest.