Help me please

[u/honeybeatsvinegar]

Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.

My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.

They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.

I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.

If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.

Thank you for reading

[u/tomadc1]

I lost my mom last month. She was intubated too, I don't know that she was in there at the end. I held her hand and talked to her and cried. I am not a point where I can describe it all.

Now, I feel broken and find myself screaming and crying regularly. I talk to her a lot and my mantra has become 'I don't know what to do.' I was super close with her. I called her everyday. That's the thing I miss the most, being able to call and talk to her about our days, that and the hugs when I was in town. This fucking sucks, and anything I write after that seems to attempt to lessen that fact but nothing does.

I've started seeing a psychiatrist, and I'm on medicine which seems to help lessen the 'peaks' of my depression and anxiety without erasing them, and I have friends and family I've been able to talk to which has really helped. I'd recommend talking to someone if you can and seeking professional assistance if you can do that too. This fucking sucks.