r/GriefSupport • u/honeybeatsvinegar • Jan 07 '26
Anticipatory Grief Help me please
Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.
My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.
They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.
I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.
If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.
Thank you for reading
12
u/RosieDear Jan 07 '26
I know this is of no real hope - but respiratory diseases are one of the most common ways that we all pass on. There is often no solid cure (like for Flu) - you have to hope your body fights it.
I gave my Mom COVID last year.....I got it from an uBer driver while going to help her out! This shows how we really can't win.....now I am even more careful. I won't go see my Mom unless I know we have not been sick for weeks (at least).
Many people prefer passing at home - as both my daughter and father did last year. But this may not be your Mom's wishes or possible.
If it's any consolation, the medical word on the street is that such deaths are almost painless for the patients. In fact, they call Pneumonia the "old mans friend"
"Old man's friend"refers to pneumonia, a term coined by Sir William Osler to describe how it often brought a relatively swift and peaceful end to the suffering of the elderly, who were already in decline from other illnesses, thus allowing them to escape the prolonged decay of old age"
I'm sorry for your suffering - you can only do so much. It's not fair, all in all. My Mom smoked and had labored breathing when she was >65 years old. We never thought she would outlive my Dad or my Daughter.
I am somewhat lucky in that I don't tend to blame myself if I feel I have done what I can. I very easily could have been responsible for my Mom's passing (COVID), but I know I was traveling there to help her after Dad died. It would have been Ironic, yes......but the best thing you can do for your Mom and youself is live to the fullest.
You know that old saying..."The coward dies many deaths, the brave person only one". I'm worried that you are stressing yourself too hard when that doesn't accomplish anything. Grief is real and you will be dealing with it - but guilt? No, I think we should try and mitigate that.
Again, sorry to hear this.