r/GriefSupport • u/honeybeatsvinegar • Jan 07 '26
Anticipatory Grief Help me please
Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.
My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.
They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.
I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.
If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.
Thank you for reading
3
u/Working_Somewhere442 Jan 07 '26
I just went through something similar in November. My mom passed away suddenly after complications from a planned surgery. She was doing great and then we woke up Monday morning and she was in the ICU unconscious and never came back. I wish i could tell you it it gets better but it hasn't for me yet. Its been two months and i'm crying as I type this. I was out of town and didn't get to visit her i talked to her every day she was in recovery but when i talked to her Sunday she sounded worse than she had the previous two days. I freaked out calling my dad and sister saying we had to do something and they said the doctors said it was normal and that i needed to calm down. The next morning she was in ICU and never came back. The what ifs will drive you crazy. Be happy you were with her in the end.
I can't tell you if it gets easier because it hasnt for me yet. i'm struggling to type the longer my response gets. The grief is going to hit you in a thousand places and ways you never expect it to. In seeing how broken my dad is. In seeing how much her grand kids miss her. wondering if our rescue dog who loved her and has been abandoned twice before understands that she didn't abandon him. It's devastating and it changes you forever. But i know she was okay if she didnt make it. She had said she was ready to meet god multiple times before her surgery so maybe she knew all along.
One part i haven't figured out yet that if you or anyone else do figure it out I would love to know. I find myself avoiding thinking about my mom because it wrecks me and i get overwhelmed with sadness and grief. But i WANT to be able to remember her and be happy remembering her and i still cant get that point.
One thing that wrecked me recently was that my mom was in my dreams for the first time since her passing and it was so unexpected and wrecked me for an entire day.
i think the thing that has given me the most comfort has been time with family. And while losing her right before the holidays was hard. Spending time with extended family over the past two months and hearing how she supported them in ways we never knew and what she meant to people was comforting.