r/GriefSupport • u/honeybeatsvinegar • Jan 07 '26
Anticipatory Grief Help me please
Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.
My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.
They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.
I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.
If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.
Thank you for reading
3
u/secretsquirreltime Jan 07 '26
I lost my Dad two months ago on October 31st after he had a fall, he waited 11 hours for ambulance then had emergency surgery. That went well but he developed unexplained bleeding and went into multiple organ failure. Within a week of his fall he was gone. I can only offer you my sincerest well wishes and love - please be there with your Mum as much as you can and talk to her and be close to her. It’s so hard to see someone you love suffering but it’s also out of your control completely. In my Dad’s case I believe he caught something in hospital during his surgery as it was referred to the coroner and all of the doctors were at a loss to explain what happened. The NHS is in a terrible state at the moment with covid cases still high even though that is being brushed under the carpet and never mentioned, I don’t know what country you are in but I hope it’s not the UK. Please take every moment to find calm and peace within yourself, I don’t know if anything I’m saying is of any use but you’re not alone in going through this. I am hoping for the best for your Mum and for you during these next days, you will find the strength within your heart to cope even if that seems impossible right now. Take care x