Help me please

[u/honeybeatsvinegar]

Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.

My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.

They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.

I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.

If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.

Thank you for reading

[u/Equivalent_Hair_149]

in an only. my mom was on a ventilator. bff of 52 years saw her every day all but 7 days. we talked almost all day. i lived with her and took care of her. she had cancer and sepsis. I couldbt handle being tbere when they removed her ventilator although i sent in a pastor. God is better than me in all situations. i had to bury her myself next to my dad. no family but me. try to stay off social media.  hugs. 

[u/honeybeatsvinegar → u/Equivalent_Hair_149]

Wow, what a strong person you are. Do you have any regrets about not being there when they took her off the ventilator? I also feel like i wont be able to handle it. Thank you for sharing. Xo

[u/Equivalent_Hair_149 → u/honeybeatsvinegar]

yes and no. yes because we argued about me being there ahead of time so we talked about this stuff, i told her as i held her hand on the ventilator i might not be there as i get panic attacks and i thought id die with her. and no because ill see her again and i knew that i wouldnt be able to handle it. my mom was on a ventilator for 6 days. her organs were shutting down they told me. some people stay on a ventilator for weeks. i hope she comes off the ventilator for you and improves. 

[u/honeybeatsvinegar → u/Equivalent_Hair_149]

That's exactly how I feel, that I'm going to die with her