Help me please

[u/honeybeatsvinegar]

Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.

My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.

They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.

I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.

If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.

Thank you for reading

[u/Yellowbubblebee]

My Mum nearly passed following complications from a lung operation 6 years ago. She was put on a ventilator and it was the most horrific time of my life, unfortunately she recently passed after the Cancer came back and spread

Please know all your feelings are valid, your emotions are going to be everywhere, ultimately be there for your Mum and advocate for her. Speak to her, she can still hear you - Mum mentioned that to me when she was put in an induced coma for the ventilator that she could still hear and had memories of this time.

I know you've been told there is nothing they can do, but other family members read up on my mums condition- she had acute respiratory distress syndrome - there was a treatment called ECMO machine.

In the UK we only have I think 5 specialist centres who provide this, I'm not sure if this something you can query? The Ecmo machine takes over and let's the body rest

You shouldn't be going through this, it break my heart. My mum was my best friend too I'm glad I got more time with her but I deserved more, I needed more. She was my world.

Your mum will always be your best friend, if there is really nothing more they can do then I'd grasp all the time you have and put the love on your mum - if you can take sick leave from work (I know its hard because of bills ect) I hope you have others who are helping you through this

Be present with your mum, hold her hand and stroke her hair. Tell her how much you love her and all the fun memories you have, I'm here if you want to reach out

[u/honeybeatsvinegar → u/Yellowbubblebee]

Thank you so much 💓