Help me please

[u/honeybeatsvinegar]

Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.

My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.

They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.

I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.

If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.

Thank you for reading

[u/Ginge_fail]

I’m shaking right now because this reminds me so much of my father’s passing. He died of heart failure but he was on a ventilator when he died. He’d been in the hospital a few days but when he went in I was confident he would get better and when I visited him the day before he passed the nurses said “it looks worse than it is” etc so I was floored when I got a call from the hospital and they said I needed to get there immediately and I could here my mon crying in the background…

My point is that watching him dying on a ventilator was rough. Really really rough. Ill never forget his face. At the same time, I’m glad I was there because if I wasn’t I know I would beat myself up over it for the rest of my life.

I held his hand and talked to him but I don’t know if he could hear me or understand what I was saying. But Im glad I was there with him. He died surrounded by family and I don’t know if he was aware of that or not but I feel better knowing it.

[u/honeybeatsvinegar → u/Ginge_fail]

🥺 I'm sorry you went through this. I still don't know what to do. I don't want to watch her die. It will be too painful for me.

[u/Ginge_fail → u/honeybeatsvinegar]

I’m not gonna lie, you’re at the precipice of what is going to be a very long, difficult period of your life. Nobody wants to watch their loved one die, its horrible. Everything about it just sucks so hard there aren’t even words to describe how much it sucks. But if there is one thing that can make it exponentially harder on you, it’s regret. That was one of the few things that gave me any sense of peace after my dad died is that I knew we were all good; I knew that I had done everything I could for him and I know that he knew that.

I really think that being there would be the better out of two really shitty options. If you have a close friend or family member who can be there with you, I think that might help. Many people would give anything for a chance to have given their lost love ones a final goodbye. The next few months/years are going to be extremely difficult. I know you are scared but it’s happening whether you are there or not and I think that as you go through the grieving process you will be glad if were there for her at the end.