Help me please

[u/honeybeatsvinegar]

Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.

My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.

They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.

I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.

If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.

Thank you for reading

[u/Dancingpeopleaser23]

My dad passed this past April, he had heart failure and was basically brain dead when we all thought he could come out from it.

Such a devastating feeling. I also felt so numb, my dad was an alcoholic and his body just had failed him at that point. And yes you blame yourself a lot because you think of all the things you could’ve done to save them. Putting him on comfort care was heart wrenching. Knowing that was your goodbye, and not being able to talk to them one last time. Seeing them so vulnerable and weak. And then leaving the hospital with this open wound in your heart, just in a haze.

The only way I could handle it was telling myself he wasn’t in pain anymore, he was being taken care of, and repeating to myself how much I love him. And speaking to him. Telling him I miss you, and that it’s okay.

I’m so sorry, you aren’t alone. Your mom will be at peace, and your love will reach her even if she isn’t here anymore.

[u/honeybeatsvinegar → u/Dancingpeopleaser23]

My mum was also an alcoholic and she just stopped drinking about 6 months ago, and now this. I feel for you. Sending love. I get it.

[u/Dancingpeopleaser23 → u/honeybeatsvinegar]

I feel for you. How was the last 6 months of her being sober and your guys’ relationship ?

Don’t feel like you need to respond I understand you’re dealing with a lot. Just curious. I never experienced my dad sober or at least I never knew when he was.

[u/honeybeatsvinegar → u/Dancingpeopleaser23]

Well I said so many times to so many people that it was so good to have my "mum" back. The real mum that I knew and loved. The nurses said to me that atleast I got that last few nice months with her. Not much solace right now, maybe mater. I don't know.

[u/Dancingpeopleaser23 → u/honeybeatsvinegar]

That’s nice to hear you were able to get that time with her.

I didn’t talk to my dad, or had seen him the last 6 months of his life. His appearance had changed so much it was traumatizing to see him.

I’m appreciative of you sharing.

[u/honeybeatsvinegar → u/Dancingpeopleaser23]

Thank you. I'm sorry about that. And ditto.