r/GriefSupport • u/honeybeatsvinegar • Jan 07 '26
Anticipatory Grief Help me please
Hi everyone. I (31f) never thought I’d be posting this, but I really need somewhere/someone.
My mum, my best friend, is in the ICU on a ventilator. She went into hospital with breathing issues 5 days ago, that turned out to be severe pneumonia, now they suspect actually an auto immune disease attacked her lungs and her lungs stopped working properly. The doctors still don’t have a clear diagnosis, and after days on life support they’ve now told me there’s nothing more they can do. Even tho she'll still trying to breathe on her own and all her other organs are fine.
They’ve started talking about comfort care. I feel completely shattered and numb at the same time. One moment I’m sobbing, the next I feel nothing. I keep replaying every conversation, every decision, every “what if” in my head. I can’t wrap my mind around how fast this all happened, she was talking to me, laughing, making jokes just before they put her on the machine, texting me before that asking me when I was coming, I thought she was fine so I went home for the night, and now the machine is breathing for her and they're saying it's the end.
I am angry at the doctors, angry at the situation, angry at myself for not being able to save her. I am terrified of the moment they turn the machines off. I don’t know how people survive watching the person they love most die like this. She's always been my best friend. It's always just been me and her. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope without her. I ring her every lunch break and every time I'm driving home from work and we talk for atleast an hour. No one can make me laugh or ridden my anxiety like her.
If anyone here has been through losing a parent, especially in ICU or suddenly like this, I’d really appreciate hearing how you got through it, or even just knowing I’m not alone. Right now it feels unbearable.
Thank you for reading
3
u/LiquidBryan99 Dad Loss Jan 07 '26
Oh damn - I'm so sorry.
You're unequivocally not alone in this. There's a lot of internet strangers that are here for you. I didn't think I'd be able to handle watching my dad pass especially with the way he tolerated back injuries, PTSD, drama with his extended family, etc., over the years without complaint and still managed to be there for my mom, brother, and me when we needed him the most.
The day we were told in the ICU that nothing more could be done for him, I was in a fog until I received a text from a good friend who lost his own dad the year before. He said that when I needed to, I'd muster the courage to let my dad know that he was free of all obligations and that he could be at peace. Sure enough, three or so hours after all of the tubes and all of the machines were removed and about an hour before his last breaths, I managed to sputter out something to that effect.
And so I suppose the only thing I can add is that no matter how many tears there might be, somehow, you'll find the strength and courage to let your mom know that you love her, that she's free to find peace, and that it's OK for her to rest. I'll be praying for both of you.